Friday, April 27, 2007

The Banister of Life

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggart have written an impressive new book. It's called .......... "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Fairly clean jokes - enjoy!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

****** ********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

********************* *****************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

"Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon
the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Padres - Games 21 to 30

The summary for Games 11 to 20 is here. At this point in the season, the Padres are 12-8 and one game behind LA in the NL Western division.

Game 21, Wednesday, April 25, SD at Arizona, Snakes win 3-2. Jake Peavy pitched a beautiful 7 innings, 2 hits, 16 strikeouts, 9 in a row for a Padres record. The bullpen (Linebrink and Hoffman) gave up homers in the 8th and 9th to blow it. Termel Sledge homered for the Pads. Brandon Webb pitched well for the Snakes. After 21 games: Won 12, Lost 9 (home 5-3, road 7-6), Runs 97-83.

Game 22, Thursday, April 26, SD at Arizona, Snakes win 7-4. Chris Young pitched poorly after being staked to a 3-run lead by Adrian Gonzalez homer in the first. Livan Hernandez was almost perfect after the first inning. The key hits were two homers by Tony Clark off Young. This was a winnable game with better starting pitching. After 22 games: Won 12, Lost 10 (home 5-3, road 7-7), Runs 101-90.

Game 23, Friday, April 27, LA at SD, we were there. Dodgers win, 6-5. The most frustrating game of the year so far - it was winnable with a decent relief effort and smarter defense. Clay Hensley pitched well into the 7th, he left leading 4-2. The vaunted bullpen gave it up again - Meredith and Linebrink got through the 8th, but Trevor Hoffman (lost, second blown save in a row) gave up two walks and 3 hits in the 9th. Jose Cruz made it close with a 9th inning homer, but Adrian Gonzalez flied out with the tying run on base. Gonzalez made a mental error in the 9th resulting in a hit, and Cameron couldn't quite flag down a long shot off the bat of Martin that would have ended the game. Argggh. After 23 games: Won 12, Lost 11 (home 5-4, road 7-7), Runs 106-06. Losing streak - 3 games.

Game 24, Saturday, April 28, LA at SD, Padres win 3-2. Another one run game - and it followed the Petco formula. The starter (Greg Maddux) goes 7 innings, giving up 2 runs, and the bullpen shuts them down (Trevor saves). Brett Tomko pitched well except in the 4th - the offense scratched four hits to score 3 runs. Easy. Piece of cake. Nail-biter. Fast - 2 hours, 4 minutes. After 24 games, Won 13, Lost 11 (home 6-4, road 7-7, me 2-2), Runs 109-98. Winning streak 1 game.

Game 25, Sunday, April 29, LA at SD, Dodgers win 5-4 in 17 innings. The starters sucked - Boomer Wells went 5 innings, gave up 4 runs. Derek Lowe went 7 and have up 4 runs. Fast forward to the 17th - an error puts a runner on first who scores on a Brady Clark double just ahead of the tag. The bullpens were outstanding - Pads had 12 innings of no earned runs (Brocail 2, Meredith 2, Bell 2, Cameron 2, Hampson 4 (lost)). Dodgers had 10 innings of shutout ball - and the Pads had few chances in that time. Frustrating. Tough one to lose. After 25 games, Won 13, lost 12 (home 6-5, road 7-7, me 2-2), Runs 113-103. Losing streak- 1 game, and 3 of 4.

Game 26, Monday, April 30, Washington at SD, Nationals win 3-2. Jake Peavy struck out 10, but gave up 3 runs in 7 innings, including one gift run, and lost. John Patterson gave up two solo homers to Termel Sledge and Josh Bard in 7 innings, and the Nats bullpen closed it out. The Padres left runners in scoring position several times - very frustrating! Another tough one to lose - we pitched well enough to win but the offense sucks right now. After 26 games, Won 13, Lost 13 (Home 6-6, Road 7-7, me 2-2), Runs 115-106. Losing streak - 2 games, and 5 of 6.

Game 27, Tuesday, May 1, Washington at SD, Pads win 3-0. Chris Young went 8 innings, gave up only 3 hits, and Trevor Hoffman got the save. The Pads scratched three runs on only 4 hits - triples by Adrian Gonzalez and Kevin Kouzmanoff plated runners, and then Oscar Robles squeezed Kouz in in the 8th. The Nats pitcher, Shawn Hill, pitched well enough to win. After 27 games, Won 14, Lost 13 (Home 7-6, Road 7-7), Runs 118-106. Winning streak - 1 game. Won 2 of last 7, 4 out of last 10, 6 of last 13.

Game 28, Wednesday, May 2, Washington at SD, Pads win 7-3. This started badly - Clay Hensley gave up a run in the first, then left in the third with a groin problem. The bullpen did well, except Cla Meredith gave up his first two runs of the year in the 6th. The Pads broke through in the 4th with 5 runs, and added 2 in the 8th. The slumpers (Greene, Cameron, Kouzmanoff) are starting to hit better - more line drives, fewer strikeouts. After 28 games, Won 15, Lost 13 (Home 8-6, Road 7-7), Runs 125-109. Streak - Won 2, 3 of 8, 5 of 11.

Game 29, Friday, May 4, SD at Florida, Fish win 5-4. Maddux gave up 2 runs in the first, but the Pads battled back (on 4 hits) to lead 4-3 after 6 innings. Bell pitched a scoreless inning, then Linebrink gave up two homers in the 8th to take the loss. Another winnable game. After 29 games: Won 15, Lost 14 (Home 8-6, Road 7-8), Runs 129-114, Lost 1, 6 of 9, 7 of 12.

Game 30, Saturday, May 5, SD at Florida, Pads win 7-6 in 12 innings. Wells gave up 3 runs in 5+, the Pads tied it up, and then Meredith gave up 3 in the 7th. The Pads battled back to tie it in the 9th, and won it in the 12th on a key hit by Josh Bard. Hampson got the win, Trevor the save.

After 30 games: Won 16, Lost 14 (Home 8-6, Road 8-8).
Runs 136-120.
Team batting: 0.243 (13th in NL) , opponents 0.239.
Team homers: 26 (7th in NL), opponents 17
Team ERA: 3.59 (5th in NL), opponents 4.02

Starters hitting: Marcus Giles 0.321; Brian Giles 0.282, Gonzalez 0.298, Bard 0.250, Greene 0.259, Cameron 0.202, Branyan 0.269, Cruz 0.342. Cameron needs to get hot with the bat now that April is over.

Starting Pitchers W-L/ERA: Peavy 3-1/2.06; Chris Young 3-2/3.34; Greg Maddux 2-2/3.96; David Wells 1-1/6.00, Clay Hensley 1-3/7.62.

In Games 21 to 30, the Pads went 4-6 and slipped to 3rd place, 2 games behind the dodgers (18-12) and 1/2 game behind the Giants (16-13). The D-backs are 16-16, and Rockies 13-17. This is a winnable division - the Pads need to have a good May and take it from there.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

The Marine

Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and a tough old U.S. Marine Gunny were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili.

"The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?


Two old men

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.

But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so, Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally!

Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"

Wally replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???" cried Max. "What in the world for???"

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah," said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

Bob Hope speaks...

Tribute to a man who DID make a difference:

BOB HOPE (born Leslie Towne) -- May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more > than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.

ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Friday, April 20, 2007

Surfing and sex

Mary's husband woke up Sunday morning and told his wife he was going to give a sermon about surfing. "You know, it's like life. You get too far out on the edge of the board and suddenly you're drowning"

Mary tells hubby "You don't know a thing about surfing, I'm gonna skip this morning's service."

"Suit yourself" said hubby as he left for the church, but on his way over he thinks over what his wife said and he decides to give a sermon on the beauty of sex (when enjoyed within the sanctity of marriage).

Later that evening, as Mary makes her way to the church for evening service, she is stopped by a couple of little old ladies of the church.

Your Husband's sermon was so wonderful this morning. He certainly knew what he was talking about.

Mary, surprised, said. He really doesn't know anything about it. He's only tried it twice, once before we were married and once after and he fell off both times.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Don't you love Negative People?

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they are overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, “Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was over booked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too were over booked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

"The Pope said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Padres - Games 11 to 20

Saturday, 14 April, Game 11, SD at LA, Padres win 7-2. Vintage Jake Peavy - three excellent starts so far. He's pitching better, not throwing. The Pads jumped on Jason Schmidt for 6 runs in the first two innings and rode it out. Homers by Brian Giles and Kevin Kouzmanoff. A nice win. After 11 games: Won 7, lost 4 (home 4-2, road 3-2), Runs 41-32.

Sunday, 15 April, Game 12, SD at LA, on ESPN, Dodgers win 9-3. Chris Young started and went into the 3rd. Kevin Cameron (3 innings, no runs) and Doug Brocail (2 innings, one run) kept it close until Linebrink gave up 3 in the 8th. The Pads chipped away but never closed the gap. Another bad loss - even two errors by both teams. After 12 games: Won 7, Lost 5 (Home 4-2, road 3-3), Runs 44-41.

Monday, 16 April, Game 13, SD at Chicago, Cubs win 12-4. It was a stinker, not that close! Hensley again fails - 10 runs, but he saved bullpen innings. The Pads got close, 3-1, in the 5th, but then the Cubs blew it open. A two-game losing streak. After 13 games: Won 7, Lost 6 (Home 4-2, Away 3-4), Runs 48-53.

Tuesday, 17 April, Game 14, SD at Chicago, Padres win 4-3 in 14 innings. This was a pitcher's battle. The Pads got 3 early, and the Cubs tied it off Maddux in the 5th. Both bullpens held until the 14th, when the Pads got doubles from Greene and Blum. Meredith, Linebrink, Bell and Brocail each pitched 2 scoreless hitless innings, then Hoffman got the save (#3). After 14 games: Won 8, Lost 6 (Home 4-2, Away 4-4), Runs 52-56.

Wednesday, April 18, Game 15, Arizona at SD, Snakes win 5-2 in 12 innings. This was another pitcher's battle. Boomer Wells was near perfect early - only a misplayed fly ball through 6 innings, then he got squeezed in the 7th and walked in a run. Brandon Webb struck out 13 through 8 innings, and left tied at 2-2 after an outfield error. The bullpens did well - but Mike Thompson (lost) gave up 3 runs in the 12th after missing first base on a cover and Adrian misplayed a 2-out grounder. After 15 games: Won 8, Lost 7 (Home 4-3, Road 4-4), Runs 54-61.

Thursday, April 19, Game 16, Arizona at SD, Pads win 11-6. This was not a pitcher's battle. Peavy threw 4 shutout innings, then gave up 5 runs in the next two. The Pads ran off 7 runs against Livan Hernandez in the first 3 innings, then got 4 more after the Snakes made it close at 7-5. Kahlil and Bowen homered, and Peavy had two extra base hits to help his cause. The two new bullpen guys pitched - Hampson failed, Rakers did OK. The Pads are now 4-0 in the daytime, 5-7 at night. Interesting! After 16 games: Won 9, Lost 7 (Home 5-3, road 4-4), Runs 65-67.

Friday, April 20, Game 17, SD at Colorado, Pads win 11-1. It wasn't that close. The Pads jumped out early with Adrian Gonzalez 3-run homer in the 1st, and stroked 17 hits. Chris Young throttled the Rocks through 7 on 1 run and 4 hits, and Doug Brocail finished it up. A really complete and well played game by my Padres in all phases. After 17 games: Won 10, Lost 7 (Home 5-3, Road 5-4), runs 76-68.

Saturday, April 21, Game 18, SD at Colorado, Pads win 7-3. Clay Hensley finally pitched OK - 2 runs in 6 innings. Pads got 5 runs off Francis early, including Adrian Gonzalez 5th homer, and a total of 15 hits - 5th game in a row with more than 10 hits. After 18 games: Won 11, Lost 7 (Home 5-3, Road 6-4), runs 83-71.

Sunday, April 22, Game 19, SD at Colorado, Rocks win 4-2. Greg Maddux pitched just OK - good enough to lose on a day when Jason Hirsh shut down the Pads on 5 hits, including Kahlil Greene's 4th homer. Pads never led. Marcus Giles had the day off. After 19 games: Won 11, Lost 8 (home 5-3, road 6-5), runs 85-75.

Tuesday, April 24, Game 20, SD at Arizona: Pads win 10-5. Wells went 5 and gave up 5 runs - too many straight fastballs. But the Pads scored 4 in the 5th and 4 in the 6th to give him the win. Jose Cruz and Adrian Gonzalez homered, and Kahlil Greene had 4 hits and 4 RBI. The bullpen threw 4 hitless innings and Trevor got his 4th save after Cameron got the bases loaded in the 9th.

After 20 games:

Won 12, Lost 8 (5-3 at home, 7-5 on the road)
Scored 95 runs, Gave up 80.
Team BA 0.263, Opponents 0.245
Team HR 20, opponents 9.
Team ERA 3.72, opponents 4.34.

Marcus Giles hitting 0.338, 2 HR, 13 RBI
Adrian Gonzalez hitting 0.329, 6 HR, 20 RBI
Jose Cruz hitting 0.326, 3 HR, 6 RBI
Brian Giles hitting 0.318, 1 HR, 7 RBI
Kahlil Greene hitting 0.300, 4 HR, 13 RBI
Rob Bowen hitting 0.256, 1 HR, 5 RBI
Mike Cameron hitting 0.203, 0 HR, 3 RBI
Kenin Kouzmanoff hitting 0.122, 1 HR, 3 RBI

Jake Peavy 3-0, 25.1 innings, 2.13 ERA
Chris Young 2-1, 21.2 innings, 3.32 ERA
Greg Maddux 1-2, 23.1 innings, 4.24 ERA
David Wells 1-1, 21.0 innings, 6.00 ERA
Craig Hensley 1-3, 20.0 innings, 9.45 ERA
Kevin Cameron (10.2 innings), Trevor Hoffman (6.1 innings, Cla Meredith (11.1 innings) all have 0.00 ERA.

After 20 games, the standings are:

L.A. Dodgers 13-7
S. D. Padres 12-8
S.F. Giants 10-8
Arizona 10-11
Colorado 8-13

To sum up - decent hitting, decent power, decent defense, decent starting pitching and excellent relief pitching over the first 20 games.

So it is anybody's division at this point. The next 10 should be interesting!

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


To the optimist, the glass is half full.To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment, then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Answer: Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.

The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, that's cool."

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Giraffes and rhinos

Our daughters and their families gave Linda and I the "Photo Caravan" 3-1/2 hour tour at the San Diego Wild Animal Park in Escondido for Christmas. Today was our day - it was cool and windy. The truck goes out among the tamer animals with a driver and a tour guide. Vicki was the guide, and she was excellent. She took some of our pictures.

"Look me in the eye..." The giraffes are fascinating - so big, so gentle, long blue tongue. We were told not to touch them.

They eat acacia leaves only - so the guide had a supply for everybody to take a turn feeding them.

The big surprise was how docile the white rhinos are. They come right up to the truck and are fed apple slices. They open up, you drop it in. You can pet them too. We did - fun!

SD Wild Animal Park pix

Our daughters gave us the San Diego Wild Animal Park "Photo Caravan" 3-1/2 hour tour for Christmas, and we used it today. It was cool and windy, but it was a good day for pictures. There are about 15 people in the truck, with a driver and a tour guide. Vicki was the guide, and was very knowledgeable and helpful.

This is a white rhino "crash" (a herd) mostly resting, but they got up close! They hemmed in the truck once and we had to wait for them to move away.

The water buffalo think they are the boss of the plains - they even look mean.

The ostriches are loose - and we didn't get too close to them.

Aren't the oryx beautiful?

This deer had velv et on his antlers and was shedding his winter coat - they all were.

We had a great time!

Padres, Midway and scalp pix

We went to the Padres games on Fridaqy, Saturday and Monday nights. Here we are at our seats (section 310, row 4, seats 7-8) on Saturday.

We stayed the weekend at the Omni Hotel right next to Petco Park. We took the Midway aircraft carrier tour on Easter Sunday. Here is the flight deck.

Linda had been on the Midway for a dependents cruise back in 1961 or so. She thinks an F-4 like this was on the ship at the time.

The Midway Museum is great - you can see the crew quarters, the engine rooms, the mess hall, the flight deck, etc. They have docents to tell you about the operations - landing, catapulting, steering, etc. It was excellent.

I had a small piece of my scalp removed on Tuesday - it was a basal cell carcinoma. This is my wound a day later (and before a shower).

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The cow

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one dark evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The Driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it!"

Friday, April 06, 2007

A man walked into a bar

A man walked into a bar one day, walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine but I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender couldn't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "

Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it.

"Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals.

After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Padres - Games 1 to 10

I am going to try to summarize all of the Padres games this year. At least while they are in contention and fans like me are living vicariously through their exploits. I will update this day-by-day.

Here are Games 1 to 10:

Game 1. Tuesday, 4/3 at San Francisco: Padres win 7-0. Peavy dominates for 6 innings, bullpen flawless (Meredith and Bell). Josh Bard has 4 hits to lead 12-hit attack against Barry Zito and relievers. Padres actually cash in on 5 "runners in scoring position" at-bats. Record: Won 1, Lost 0 (0-0 at home, 1-0 on road)

Game 2. Wednesday, 4/4 at San Francisco: Padres win 5-3. Young pitches so-so, gives up homer to Bonds, goes 5+ giving up 3 runs. Bullpen effective (Meredith wins, Linebrink, Hoffman saves). Kahlil Greene and Marcus Giles homer in fifth, Adrian Gonzalez homers in the 8th to win it. Matt Cain was great for 4 innings, Giants relievers OK except for Gonzalez homer. Record: Won 2, Lost 0 (0-0 at home, 2-0 on road), Runs 12-3.

Game 3, Thursday, 4/5 at San Francisco: Giants win 5-3. It wasn't that close. Hensley loaded the bases on walks, then gave up three hits for 4 runs. They key was a botched popup when Kouzmanoff and Greene collided - cost 2 runs. Morris handcuffed the Pads for 6, and the Giants pen almost gave it up in the 9th - Pads scored 2 and had leading run at the plate. Pads bullpen (Brocail and rookie Cameron) do great job for 3+ innings. Record: Won 2, Lost 1 (0-0 at home, 2-1 on road), Runs 15-8.

Game 4, Friday, 4/6, Colorado at San Diego: Rockies win 4-3. We were there (Section 305, Row 4, Seat 7). It wasn't that close. Greg Maddux gave up an early run, then wild-pitched a run home, and gave up a 2-run homer to Holliday in the 6th. Jason Hirsch pitched a great game for the Rocks. The Pads got a homer from Sledge in the 5th and a 2-run homer by Greene in the 9th. The Pads bullpen came through again - 3.1 innings of shutout by Bell and Thompson. Record: Won 2, lost 2 (0-1 at home, 2-1 on road), Runs 18-12.

Game 5, Saturday, 4/7, Colorado at SD: Padres win 3-2. We were there (310/4/8). This was a pitchers game. Boomer Wells went 6.2, gave up two runs. The bullpen (Brocail, Linebrink, Hoffman (winner) kept it close - still no runs allowed. Josh Fogg pitched well for the Rocks, Corpas took the loss. The Pads scored on a Branyan homer to the LF foul line, an Adrian Gonzalez sac fly, and Adrian's double to the base of the LF wall in the bottom of the 9th. Bowen and Branyan had their first starts of the year - Bowen threw out Taveras stealing, and Branyan started a great DP in the 9th. Record: Won 3, lost 2 (1-1 at home, 2-1 on road), Runs 21-14.

Game 6, Sunday, 4/8, Colorado at SD: Padres win 2-1 in 10 innings. There may not be a better pitched game all year. Peavy was on his game, and gave up 1 run in 7 innings. Aaron Cook shut out the Pads until the 8th on 2 hits, when Jose Cruz pulled one into the Petco Porch counts! Then the Pads won it in the 10th when Kahlil Greene tripled, and Kevin Kouzmanoff singled him home. The Pads bullpen again excelled (Meredith, Hoffman, Linebrink wins) - 3 shutout innings, no hits. Record: Won 4, lost 2 (2-1 at home, 2-1 on road), Runs 23-15 in 6 games.

Game 7, Monday, 4/9, SF at SD: Padres win 1-0. We were there. This may have been a better pitched game than Sunday's! Chris Young shut out the Giants through 7 on 4 hits, and Meredith and Hoffman (save) wrapped it up. The big story was that Matt Cain had a no-hitter through 6 - Kahlil Greene spoiled it in the 7th with a double, and came in on a sacrifice fly. Cain deserved better. The bullpen is up to 20+ innings of shutout pitching now. Record: Won 5, lost 2 (3-1 at home, 2-1 on road), Runs 24-15 in 7 games.

Game 8, Tuesday, 4/10, SF at SD: Giants win 6-5. Chalk this one up as a Shoulda won. The Pads made two physical errors in the 2nd, and one mental error, and two unearned runs scored. The Giants chipped away at Hensley and led 6-0 after 5. Then the Pads chipped away at Jack Morris and, with two homers by Adrian Gonzalez, got back to within a run in the 9th. The bullpen produced 4+ innings of shutout relief. Kouz is injured - got hit on elbow on Monday, so Branyan is playing 3rd. Record: Won 5, lost 3 (home 3-2, road 2-1), Runs 29-21 in 8 games.

Game 9, Wednesday, 4/11, SF at SD: Padres win 4-0. Maddux put on a clinic - ground balls and strikeouts on the corner. Then he turned it over to the bullpen who produced 3 more shutout innings. The Pads scratched four runs off Noah Lowry and their bullpen, playing little ball all night. The longest balls hit were outs, for both sides. Roberts made a great catch at the CF wall with the bases loaded to end the 7th. Blum played 3rd tonight. Record: Won 6, lost 3 (home 4-2, road 2-1), Runs 33-21 in 9 games.

Game 10, Friday, 4/12, SD at LA: Dodgers win 9-1. It wasn't that close! What a stinker of a game. Derek Lowe pitched very well for the Dodgers and got outstanding support from his offense. David Wells started for the Padres and had trouble getting people out - he gave up 5 runs in 2+ innings. The bullpen finally gave up some runs - Mike Thompson gave up 4 in the 4+ innings he pitched. But he saved the rest of the staff.

10 Game Record: Won 6, Lost 4 (Home 4-2, Road 2-2) 0.600
Runs 34-30 in 10 games.

After the first 10 games the Padres are only one game behind Arizona and LA. They won their first three series. They have outhomered the opposition 9 to 3 (who would have thought that before the season - but it is early).

The strengths of the team are obvious - Pitching and Defense. The Offense is only fair - they leave too many in scoring position. There is little team speed, although they run the bases pretty well. Peavy and Young have been consistent, Maddux and Wells had one good and one bad outing, and Hensley had two bad outings. Up until the 10th game, the bullpen was perfect.

The first significant injury was to Josh Bard, the catcher, who is on the 15 day DL as a precaution. Pete LaForest was called up to take his place.

A 0.600 record carried through the season would mean 97 wins and 65 losses - that would be good enough for a playoff spot and probably a Division championship. It's a long way off, but hope still springs eternal from this lifelong diehard enthusiastic Padres fan.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Hope springs Eternal - Padres 2007

Ah, spring is here and the sights, sounds and smells of baseball are in the air - green cut grass, gypsum chalk, glove oil, sweat, and tobacco juice.

My San Diego Padres have won the National League Western Division championship the last two years, but have faltered in the playoffs. This year, the hope is that they can go to the World Series.

How good will they be? Will they win the division again? Who will be the stars? Who will be injured or ineffective? Here are my predictions:

1) The Padres will win 88 games, and lose 74 games. They will win the NL Western Division again, but it will be close. I foresee the Dodgers winning 85, the Giants winning 84, the Diamondbacks 81 and the Rockies 77 games, respectively.

2) The two "new" faces from last year are Kevin Kousmanoff at 3B and Marcus Giles at 2B. I think Kous will have a decent rookie year - hit 0.270, 25 homers, 90 RBIs with decent defense. I think Marcus will be the lead off hitter, but will struggle with a BA of 0.260, only 10 homers, and few stolen bases.

3) The biggest unknown defensive position is Catcher (Josh Bard and Rob Bowen - can they do the job?). Injuries to the catchers or Khalil Greene or Mike Cameron would be devastating.

4) The pitching staff looks great on paper. Peavy, Young, Hensley, Maddux and Wells at their best are all-stars. But Maddux is 40 and Wells is 43. Peavy and Hensley have injury histories. I doubt that Wells will be effective for long - his diabetes and injuries will probably limit his innings. The bullpen has experience, but Trevor is 39 and may falter. Can Meredith work the same magic as 2006? If Trevor falters, can Linebrink pick him up? There are no left handed relievers on this club.

5) Buddy Black is a rookie manager. By all reports, he knows the game, communicates well, etc. We'll see. I think he will do OK, mainly because he has veteran coaches to help him with game situations and defensive switches.

We have a 20 game package this year - Monday, Thursday and Saturday - so we'll see those in person and watch the rest on TV . We will be there opening night 4/6 against the Rockies, then Saturday 4/7, and Monday 4/9 against the Giants.

So - hope springs again in April. We will see. I will try to provide reports every 10 games on the progress of the team.

Why God made Moms

BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

The World's easiest quiz

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ (Passing requires 4 correct answers)

Please answer all questions before scrolling down for the answers.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers in the comments.

The story of Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten"? So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did"? And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. Now go forth.

This is globalization

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This was sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gate's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals . . .

That, my friends, is Globalization.

Dick and Jane and Spot

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Dick and Jane Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Jane wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Jane got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Jane decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.

All morning long, Jane watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.The meal was a great success, and Jane even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Jane's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Jane went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left." They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room.

About this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!"