Sunday, September 30, 2007

Humor for Lexophiles

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking .

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

The loser in a marathon suffers the agony of defeat.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

NFL Picks - Week 4

I was 8-8 picking winners in Week 3. After 3 weeks, I'm 29-19 picking winners. Still not wonderful - I'm picking too many upsets.

Last week, my Chargers lost 31-24 in a game that they should have won against Green Bay. The Pack lead 17-14 at the half and the Bolts were ahead 21-17 with 2 minutes to go in the game. The Pack scored to go ahead 24-21, and the Chargers were moving the ball when Philip Rivers was intercepted and the Pack scored quickly again. The Chargers kicked a FG late but didn't recover the onside kick. The Chargers offense was better - although they never established the running game, but the pass protection was better. Philip Rivers completed his first 15 passes, and was 21-24 at one time. The Bolts defense was almost helpless against Brett Favre as the Pack passed for 365 yards. The defense had only two sacks and no turnovers.

My Chargers are favored by 12 points over Kansas City at home this week.

My prediction for the game is Chargers 24, Chiefs 16.

My picks for Week 4 are:

San Diego (1-2) (H) over Kansas City (1-2)
Chicago (1-2) over Detroit (2-1) (H)
Dallas (3-0) (H) over St. Louis (0-3)
Miami (0-3) (H) over Oakland (1-2)
Houston (2-1) over Atlanta (0-3) (H)
NY Jets (1-2) over Buffalo (0-3) (H)
Green Bay (3-0) over Minnesota (1-2) (H)
Baltimore (2-1) over Cleveland (1-2) (H)
San Francisco (2-1) (H) over Seattle (2-1)
Tampa Bay (2-1) over Carolina (2-1) (H)
Indianapolis (3-0) (H) over Denver (2-1)
Pittsburgh (3-0) over Arizona (1-2) (H)
Philadelphia (1-2) over NY Giants (1-2) (H)
New England (3-0) over Cincinnati (1-2) (H)

Not playing: Washington, Jacksonville, New Orleans, Tennessee.

Go Chargers!! please?

Friday, September 21, 2007

In the Land that Made me Me

Long ago and far away,
In a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan,
Or the dawn of Camelot.

There lived a race of innocents,
And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me.

Oh, there was truth and goodness
In that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges,
And Peyton Place was porn.

For Ike was in the White House,
And Hoss was on TV,
And God was in His heaven
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We learned to gut a muffler,
We washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry
In circles on the lawn.

And they could hear us coming
All the way to Tennessee,
All starched and sprayed and rustling
in the Land That Made Me Me.

We longed for love and romance,
And waited for the prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz,
And no one's seen him since.

We danced to "Little Darlin'",
And Sang to "Stagger Lee"
And cried for Buddy Holly
In the Land That Made Me Me.

Only girls wore earrings then,
And three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts,
Except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams
Did we expect to see
A boy named George,
with Lipstick
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon,
Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie,
They never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five,
Or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty
In the Land That Made Me Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold,
And Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat
Whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard,
But not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk, yet
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We had our share of heroes,
We never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin,
Or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal,
And life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever,
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We'd never seen the rock band
That was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson,
And Zeppelins weren't Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then,
And Monkees in a tree,
Madonna was a virgin
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We'd never heard of Microwaves,
Or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed,
But they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out,
And "gay" meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets
To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at
The bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails,
And bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction
In the Land That Made Me Me.

Buicks came with portholes,
And side show came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough
To cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles,
And skirts came to the knee,
And Castro came to power
In the Land That Made Me Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride,
We had no Hill Street Blues,
We all wore superstructure bras
Designed by Howard Hughes.

We had no patterned pantyhose
Or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms
In the Land That Made Me Me.

There were no golden arches,
No Perriers to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda,
And cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was thirty-five
And old was forty-three,
And ancient was our parents
In the Land That Made Me Me.

But all things have a season,
Or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline
We swear by Retin-A.

And they send us invitations
To join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby,
From the Land That Made Me Me.

So now we face a brave new world
In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using
Smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children
of the way it used to be,
Long ago, and far away
In the Land That Made Me Me.

~Author Unknown

Bubba meets the Queen

On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States, Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting he asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?", asked Bill.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."

Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child ?"

Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"

"Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the former President. As Hillary was leaving her meeting she ran into her most formidable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama.

So she said, "Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.Who was the child?"

"That's seems pretty easy," said Obama, "I think the child would be me."

"Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination for the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States !"

So Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your riddle.The child was Barack Obama.!"

"No, you Dummie!" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair"

Bob Hope Quotes

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered If he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the Room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked In the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran in to the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

Padres 2007 - Games 151-162

Here are the breakdowns for each 10 game segment of the season to date:

10 Games (4/12): 6-4 record, Runs 34-30
20 Games (4/24): 12-8 record, Runs 95-80, BA 0.263, ERA 3.72
30 Games (5/5): 16-14 Record, Runs 136-120, BA 0.243, ERA 3.59
40 Games (5/15): 21-19 Record, Runs 168-142, BA 0.236, ERA 3.16
50 Games (5/28): 29-21 Record, Runs 210.167, BA 0.241, ERA 3.00
60 Games (6/8): 36-24 Record, Runs 262-196, BA 0.243, ERA 2.88
70 Games (6/20): 41-29 Record, Runs 316-238, BA 0.246, ERA 3.04
80 Games (7/1): 46-34 Record, Runs 348-271, BA 0.243, ERA 3.03
90 Games (7/15): 50-40 Record, Runs 385-314, BA 0.242, ERA 3.11
100 Games (7/25): 54-46 Record, Runs 415-371, BA 0.243, ERA 3.39
110 Games (8/5): 60-50 Record, Runs 472-418, BA 0.243, ERA 3.51
120 Games (8/16): 65-55 Record, Runs 526-466, BA 0.244, ERA 3.51
130 Games (8/27): 71-59 Record, Runs 579-516, BA 0.249, ERA 3.59
140 Games (9/8): 76-64 Record, Runs 629-568, BA 0.249, ERA 3.67
150 Games (9/19): 83-67 Record, Runs 671-597, BA 0.249, ERA 3.62

After 150 games, the Pads are 1 game behind Arizona (85-67, won 6 out of last 10) in the NL West, and 1-1/2 games ahead of Philadelphia (82-69) in the Wild Card race. The Dodgers are 79-72, the Rockies are 79-72, and the Giants are 67-84. The Phillies are the closest team to the Pads for the Wild Card spot - they are 82-69, 1-1/2 games back.

If Arizona plays 0.500 ball the rest of the way (finishing at 90-72), the Pads have to play out at 7-5 (0.571) to tie them. If the Snakes play at their current 0.559 pace (a 91-71 record), the Pads would have to finish 8-4 (0.667) to tie them. The Pads need to continue their improved hitting and get decent pitching and defense. The playoffs are a real possibility if they can finish with 90 wins.

Game 151: Wednesday, September 19, Pittsburgh at SD: Pads win 5-3. This game was lost until the bottom of the 9th when Scott Hairston hit a two-out 3-run walk-off home run off Pirates closer Matt Capps to win it. Chris Young pitched better (6 IP, 3 R, 5 H, 2 BB, 5 K). The Pirates scored 1 in the first inning, and the Pads responded with 2 in the bottom of the first on Adrian Gonzalez single to drive in Cameron and Brian Giles. The Pirates scored twice in the third to go ahead 3-2. Ian Snell pitched well, holding the Pads to 4 hits over 7 innings. Joe Thatcher and Cla Meredith (won, now 5-6) pitched three shutout innings for the Pads to keep it close until the fireworks in the bottom of the 9th. After 151 games, the Pads are 84-67 (home 46-31, road 38-36), Runs 676-600, Homers 155-104. The Pads have won 6 in a row, and won 7 out of the last 10.

Game 152, Thursday, September 20, Pittsburgh at SD: Pads win 6-3. Brett Tomko started for the Pads and pitched just OK (6 IP, 3 R, 5 H, 0 BB, 6 K, won, now 4-11 overall, 2-0 with the Pads), giving up 3 early runs but pitching well in his last 3 perfect innings. The Pads scored 3 in the 2nd inning and 3 in the 3rd off Matt Morris (lost, now 9-11). The key hits were doubles by Scott Hairston and Michael Barrett in the 2nd, and Kahlil Greene and Kevin Kouzmanoff in the third. The bullpen pitched three scoreless innings - with Trevor Hoffman getting his 40th save. After 152 games, the Pads are 85-67 (home 47-31, road 38-36), Runs 682-603, Homers 155-105. The Pads have won 7 in a row, and won 8 out of the last 10.

Game 153, Friday, September 21, Colorado at SD: Rockies win 2-1 in 14 innings. This was one of the best pitched games of the year. Jake Peavy pitched well (7 IP, 1 R, 3 H, 2 BB, 8 K) but Franklin Morales pitched better (6 IP, 0 R, 1 H, 4 BB, 6 Ks), then the Rockies bullpen pitched 8 innings giving up 1 run on only 3 hits. The Pads bullpen went 7 innings, giving up 1 run on 4 hits. The winning hit was a Brad Hawpe homer off Joe Thatcher in the 14th. The Pads only run was a 1-out solo homer in the 9th by Adrian Gonzalez. After 153 games, the Pads are 85-68 (home 47-32, road 38-36), Runs 683-605, Homers 156-107. The Pads have lost 1 in a row and have won 7 of the last 10.

Game 154, Saturday, September 22, Colorado at SD: Rocks win 6-2. Jack Cassel started (2.1 IP, 3 R, 6 H, 1 BB, 0 K) and the bullpen gave up 3 late runs (2 unearned). The Pads came back to 3-2 in the 5th, finally getting to Mark Redman with Kahlil Greene's solo homer and a bases-loaded walk. After 154 games, the Pads are 85-69 (home 47-33, road 38-36), Runs 685-611, Homers 157-108. The Pads have lost 2 in a row and have won 7 of the last 10.

Game 155, Sunday, September 23, Colorado at SD: Rocks win 7-3. This game was lost early as Greg Maddux pitched poorly (3.2 IP, 5 R, 8 H, 2 BB, 1 K, lost, now 13-11) and the Padres never were in the game after the 4th inning. Milton Bradley and Josh Bard had solo homers for the Padres. Even worse, Mike Cameron got hurt when Milton Bradley stepped on his hand as they came together in the outfield, resulting in Garrett Atkins inside-the-park homer in the 7th. Then in the 8th, Bradley singled and while on first base got into an argument with the umpire. Bud Black came out to protect the umpire, wrestled Bradley to the ground and Bradley injured his knee. So the Pads lost two players in one game. After 155 games, the Pads are 85-70 (home 47-34, road 38-36), Runs 688-618, Homers 159-109. The Pads have lost 3 in a row and won 7 of the last 10.

At the start of the homestand, I hoped that the Pads would win 8 out of 10. They won the first 7 and lost the last 3, and let the Rockies into the wild-card race. Even worse, the Pads are only 1/2 game ahead of the Phillies for the wild-card spot. The hitters and pitchers did well until the Rockies came to town. It was very frustrating!!!

Game 156, Monday, September 24, SD at SF: Giants win 9-4. This game wasn't close either, as Chris Young pitched poorly (5 IP, 7 R, 8 H, 4 BB, 3 K, lost, now 9-8). Barry Zito didn't pitch much better but got the win. The Pads had 12 hits and left 13 runners on base. Scott Hairston took over in LF and Brady Clark in CF. After 156 games, the Pads are 85-71 (home 47-34, road 38-37), Runs 692-627, Homers 159-109. The Pads have lost 4 in a row and won 6 of the last 10.

Game 157, Tuesday, September 25, SD at SF: Pads win 6-4. Just WOW! This was a BIG turnaround game - stealing victory from the jaws of a 5th loss in a row. In the 9th inning, the Pads scored 4 runs on an RBI by Brady Clark, then Oscar Robles walked on a 3-2 pitch, and Brian Giles hit a monster 3-run homer to right center on a 2-0 pitch. A bloop, a walk and a blast. A classic comeback. Brett Tomko started and pitched poorly (6 IP, 4 R, 6 H, 3 BB, 3 K). The relievers shut out the Giants over the last 3 innings, with Trevor Hoffman picking up his 41st save. Kahlil Greene and Scott Hairston had solo homers as the Pads fought back from a 4-0 deficit. After 157 games, the Pads are 86-71 (home 47-34, road 39-37), Runs 698-631, Homers 162-109. The Pads have won 1 in a row and 6 of the last 10.

Game 158, Wednesday, September 26, SD at SF. Pads win 11-3. This was Barry Bonds last home game in SF. Jake Peavy pitched well (7 IP, 2 R, 5 H, 1 BB, 1 K, won, now 19-6) but wdid not dominate with the fastball, trying to conserve energy for a possible 162nd game start at Milwaukee if needed. The Giants jumped to a 1-0 lead in the first, but the Pads scored 2 in the second and 6 in the 5th to take an 8-1 lead. The Pads had 17 hits, with Scott Hairston hitting a solo homer, and Josh Bard having 4 hits and 3 RBI. Kahlil Greene (2 hits, 2 RBI) and Kevin Kouzmanoff (2 hits, 2 RBI) also contributed. After 158 games, the Pads are 87-71 (home 47-34, road 40-37), Runs 709-634, Homers 163-111. The Pads have won 2 in a row, and 6 of the last 10.

Now it's on to Milwaukee for a 4 game series. The Pads are 1 game behind Arizona (88-70) and 1 game ahead of Philly (86-72) and Colorado (86-72) for the wild card spot. Milwaukee is 2 games back of Chicago for the NL Central lead.

Game 159, Thursday, September 27, SD at Milwaukee: Pads win 9-5. The Pads went ahead 5-1, then 9-2 and the Brewers made it closer with 3 in the 7th. Jack Cassel started (4.2 IP, 2 R, 4 H, 1 BB, 2 K) but was in trouble in the 5th when Joe Thatcher got the 3rd out. The Pads scored on Scott Hairston's 2-run double in the 3rd, and 2 RBI's by Kahlil Greene in the 7th. They were aided by 5 Brewers errors. The Brewers hit 3 homers off Padres pitchers. After 159 games, the Pads are 88-71 (home 47-34, road 41-37), Runs 718-639, Homers 163-114. The Pads have won 3 in a row, and 6 of the last 10.

Game 160, Friday, September 28, SD at Milwaukee. Pads win 6-3. The Pads fell behind 2-0 in the 1st, went ahead 3-2 in the 4th, were tied 3-3 in the bottom of the 4th and scored one in the 6th and 2 in the 8th. Greg Maddux started and pitched poorly (5 IP, 3 R, 6 H, 0 BB, 3 K, won, 14-11). The bullpen pitched well. The Pads got a 2-run homer from Kahlil Greene in the 8th. After 160 games, the Pads are 89-71 (home 47-34, road 42-37), Runs 724-642, Homers 164-115. The Pads have won 3 in a row, and 6 of the last 10.

With this win and the other teams losing, the Pads need to win one of the last 2 to be the wild-card playoff team. This win also eliminated playoff hopes for Milwaukee.

Game 161, Saturday, September 29, SD at Milwaukee. Brewers win 4-3 in 11 innings. Chris Young started (6 IP, 2 R, 2 H, 4 BB, 7 Ks) and would have won it if the bullpen had held the 3-2 lead. Trevor Hoffman gave up a triple to Tony Gwynn Jr with 2 out in the bottom of the 9th that tied the score (Hoffman's 6th blown save of 2007). In the 11th, the Brewers scored a run off Joe Thatcher to win it. Adrian Gonzalez had a solo homer and 3 RBI. The Pads had 12 hits and left 9 runners on, but got only 2 hits against Brewers relievers. This was a tough loss, since a win would have put the Pads in the playoffs. After 161 games, the Pads are 89-72 (home 47-34, road 42-38), Runs 727-646, Homers 165-116. The Pads have lost 1 in a row, and won 5 of the last 10.

Game 162, Sunday, September 30, SD at Milwaukee. Brewers win 11-6. It really wasn't that close. Brett Tomko started for the Pads and couldn't get through 5 innings. The relievers gave up 6 more runs in a poor effort. The Pads jumped out to a 3 run lead in the 1st inning, but the Brewers overcame that, leading 6-4 after 5 and 10-4 after 8 innings. Brian Giles, Kahlil Greene, Kevin Kouzmanoff and Adrian Gonzalez had solo homers for the Pads. After 162 games, the Pads are 89-73 (home 47-34, road 42-39), Runs 733-657, Homers 169-116. The Pads have lost 2 in a row, and 5 of the last 10.

Since Philadelphia won and the Mets lost, the Phillies are NL East champs (at 89-73) and the Mets (at 88-74) miss the playoffs. Since Colorado won at home (89-73) against Arizona (NL West champs at 90-72), they tied the Padres for the wild-card berth. There will be a one-game playoff in Denver on Monday. Jake Peavy will start for the Padres against Josh Fogg.

Needless to say, the end of the season with two losses is really disappointing ...

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

NFL Week 3 - predictions

I was 10-6 picking winners in Week 2. After 2 weeks, I'm 21-11 picking winners after two weeks. Not wonderful.

Last week, my Chargers lost 38-14 in a game that wasn't that close. The Patriots lead 24-0 at the half and 31-7 in the 4th quarter. The Chargers offense was pathetic - they never established the running game and the pass protection was poor. Philip Rivers turned the ball over with 2 interceptions and one fumble. The Bolts defense was equally poor - giving up over 400 yards on Tom Brady's pinpoint passing and late running yards in garbage time. The defense had only two sacks and an interception on a tip. Are the Chargers the team everybody thinks they should be? Does the coach and staff make that much difference? Or were they outcoached by Bill Belichick?

My Chargers are favored by 5 points over Green Bay on the road this week. My prediction for the game is Chargers 24, Packers 20.

My picks for Week 3 are:

San Diego (1-1) over Green Bay (2-0) (H)
Indianapolis (2-0) over Houston (2-0) (H)
Minnesota (1-1) over Kansas City (0-2) (H)
Detroit (2-0) over Philadelphia (0-2) (H)
New England (2-0) (H) over Buffalo (0-2)
Miami (0-2) over NY Jets (0-2) (H)
Pittsburgh (2-0) (H) over San Francisco (2-0)
Baltimore (1-1) (H) over Arizona (1-1)
Tampa Bay (1-1) (H) over St. Louis (0-2)
Denver (2-0) (H) over Jacksonville (1-1)
Cincinnati (1-1) over Seattle (1-1) (H)
Cleveland (1-1) over Oakland (0-2) (H)
Carolina (1-1) over Atlanta (0-2) (H)
Washington (2-0) (H) over NY Giants (0-2)
Dallas (2-0) over Chicago (1-1) (H)
Tennessee (1-1) over New Orleans (0-2) (H)

Go Chargers! please...

Results from Week 3:

I managed to picked 8 winners out of 16 games, missing on almost all of my upsets (the only one I got was Tennessee). After 3 weeks, I'm 29-19 picking winners. Not good!

Monday, September 17, 2007

9 Words That Women Use

· (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

· (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

· (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end with “fine.”

· (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

· (5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

· (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

· (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

· (8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F%!K YOU!

· (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Friday, September 14, 2007

6 year-old wisdom

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'

'How about transportation?' the father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'

Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them."No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

What I learned from email

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because; I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.....disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

The Country Preacher's Son

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress!"

Two kids in the hospital

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

The blonde and two chimps

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left >over---so now we're going to Sea World."

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

NFL Week 2 - predictions

I was 11-5 picking winners in Week 1.

The Chargers beat Chicago 14-3 in a defensive struggle. The Bears took away the Chargers running game, and the Chargers shut down the Bears offense. If not for turnovers, it might have been a scoreless tie. The Bolts suffered only three minor injuries and should be good to go on Sunday.

My Chargers face a tough foe this week back in New England (Sunday evening, 5:15 PM PDT) - the Patriots beat the Bolts in January 24-21 in a playoff game, and the game is fresh in my memory...we essentially gave it away with stupid mistakes. The Chargers have added a few weapons since then, but the Pats have replaced all of their wide receivers.

My prediction for the game is Chargers 20, Patriots 17.

My picks for Week 2 are:

Pittsburgh (H) over Buffalo
Cincinnati over Cleveland (H)
Indianapolis over Tennessee (H)
Carolina (H) over Houston
San Francisco over St. Louis (H)
Green Bay over NY Giants (H)
Jacksonville (H) over Atlanta
New Orleans over Tampa Bay (H)
Detroit (H) over Minnesota
Dallas over Miami (H)
Seattle over Arizona (H)
Baltimore (H) over NY Jets
Denver (H) over Oakland
Chicago (H) over Kansas City
San Diego over New England (H) - Sunday night
Philadelphia (H) over Washington - Monday night

I'll update with results after the weekend.

I'm not the world's best NFL prognosticator, am I? The only games I went against the betting line were Chargers over New England (wrong, an emotional choice) and I picked SF over St. Louis (I got that right). 11 home teams won.

For week 2, I got 10 winners right and 6 wrong. So did the betting line - just picking winners. After two weeks, I'm 21-13 picking winners. Oh well.

This place does exist!

And they sell paddles!

Camping with Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh!t...... It means someone stole the tent .'

Padres 2007 - Games 141-150

Here are the breakdowns for each 10 game segment of the season to date:

10 Games (4/12): 6-4 record, Runs 34-30
20 Games (4/24): 12-8 record, Runs 95-80, BA 0.263, ERA 3.72
30 Games (5/5): 16-14 Record, Runs 136-120, BA 0.243, ERA 3.59
40 Games (5/15): 21-19 Record, Runs 168-142, BA 0.236, ERA 3.16
50 Games (5/28): 29-21 Record, Runs 210.167, BA 0.241, ERA 3.00
60 Games (6/8): 36-24 Record, Runs 262-196, BA 0.243, ERA 2.88
70 Games (6/20): 41-29 Record, Runs 316-238, BA 0.246, ERA 3.04
80 Games (7/1): 46-34 Record, Runs 348-271, BA 0.243, ERA 3.03
90 Games (7/15): 50-40 Record, Runs 385-314, BA 0.242, ERA 3.11
100 Games (7/25): 54-46 Record, Runs 415-371, BA 0.243, ERA 3.39
110 Games (8/5): 60-50 Record, Runs 472-418, BA 0.243, ERA 3.51
120 Games (8/16): 65-55 Record, Runs 526-466, BA 0.244, ERA 3.51
130 Games (8/27): 71-59 Record, Runs 579-516, BA 0.249, ERA 3.59
140 Games (9/8): 76-64 Record, Runs 629-568, BA 0.249, ERA 3.67

After 134 games, the Pads are 76-64 (home 40-31, road 36-33), Runs 629-568, Homers 142-98. The Pads have lost 3 in a row, 5 of the last 10, and have won 27 of 53 since the All-Star break.

With 22 games left, the Pads are in 2nd place in the NL West, trailing Arizona (79-63) by 2 games. The Rockies are 73-67, the Dodgers are 74-67, and the Giants are 64-77.

If Arizona plays 0.500 ball the rest of the way (finishing at 89-73), the Pads have to play out at 13-9 (0.591) to tie them. If the Snakes play at their current 0.556 pace (a 90-72 record), the Pads would have to finish 14-6 (0.700) to tie them. The Pads need to continue their improved hitting (especially at home) and decent pitching and defense. The playoffs are a real possibility if they can finish with 88 wins.

Game 141: Saturday, September 8, SD at Colorado: Pads win 3-1. Greg Maddux pitched well again (6 IP, 1 R, 3 H, 0 BB, 3 K, won, now 12-9). The Pads scored 2 in the 2nd inning, and 1 run in the 9th to give a little breathing room. Brocail, Bell and Hoffman (37trh save) held the Rockies off over the last 3 innings. After 141 games, the Pads are 77-64 (home 40-31, road 37-33), Runs 632-569, Homers 142-98. The Pads have won 1 in a row, 2 of 5 on the road trip, and 5 of the last 10.

Game 142, Sunday, September 9, SD at Colorado: Rocks win 4-2. The Rocks got 3 in the 1st inning off Chris Young (5 IP, 3 R, 2 H, 5 BB, 8 Ks, lost, now 9-7), 2 on a homer by Greg Atkins. The Pads scratched runs in the 4th and the 8th to make it 3-2, but Matt Holiday homered in the 8th off Cla Meredith. The Pads had 2 runners thrown out at home in the 4th inning which might have made a difference. After 142 games, the Pads are 77-65 (home 40-31, road 37-34), Runs 634-573, Homers 142-100. The Pads have lost 1 in a row, 4 of the last 5, and 5 of the last 10. Milton Bradley is out again with an oblique injury. The Pads scored 9 runs in 3 games in Colorado, and the Rocks scored 15.

Game 143, Tuesday, September 11, SD at LA: Pads win, 9-4. Jake Peavy pitched pretty well (67 IP, 2 R, 5 H, 2 BB, 5 Ks, won, now 17-6). The Pads scored 2 runs in each of the first 3 innings, then got 3 in the 7th after the Bums had closed it to 6-2. Brian Giles, Geoff Blum, Kahlil Greene and Kevin Kouzmanoff had home runs to lead the 10 hit attack. Heath Bell got out of a bases loaded jam in the 8th. After 143 games, the Pads are 78-65 (home 40-31, road 38-34), Runs 643-577, Homers 146-102. The Pads have won 1 in a row, and 5 of the last 10.

Game 144, Wednesday, September 12, SD at LA: Bums win 6-1. A terrible game. The Dodgers jumped on Justin Germano (5 IP, 6 R, 8 H, 1 BB, 2 K, lost, now 7-10) over 6 innings, with James Loney doing the most damage. The Pads couldn't mount a threat against starter Chad Billingsley, who beat them for the 4th time this year. Geoff Blum (2 hits), Kahlil Greene (3 hits) and Kevin Kouzmanoff (3 hits) had all the Pads hits, and Mike Cameron struck out 5 times, tying a team record. After 144 games, the Pads are 78-66 (home 40-31, road 38-35), Runs 644-583, Homers 146-142. The Pads have lost 1 in a row, and lost 6 of the last 10.

Game 145, Thursday, September 13, SD at LA: Bums win 6-3. It wasn't that close, as David Wells was almost perfect through 5 innings and Greg Maddux was not (3.1 IP, 5 R, 10 H, 0 BB, 1 K, lost, now 12-10). Jeff Loney had 4 RBIs for the Bums. Morgan Ensberg and Mike Cameron homered in the 6th for the Pads 3 runs. Then the Bums bullpen shut down the Pads in order over the last 3 innings. After 145 games, the Pads are 78-67 (home 40-31, road 38-36), Runs 647-589, Homers 148-104. The Pads have lost 2 in a row, and 7 of the last 10.

This road trip was disastrous - the Pads were 3-6 and were soundly outplayed. The winning pitchers were Maddux (twice), and Peavy. The Pads scored 39 runs in 9 games (4.33 per game), the opponents scored 51 (5.67 per game). The hitting failed once Bradley was injured again. Giles, Cameron, Gonzalez and Sledge are in slumps. Argggh. The Pads HAVE TO go 8-2 on the home stand just to get into the NL West race or to secure the wild card spot.

Game 146, Friday, September 14, SF at SD: Pads win 5-4 in 10 innings. Behind, tied, behind, tied, win. Chris Young started (7 IP, 3 R, 6 H, 0 BB, 5 K) and pitched better, and Heath Bell gave up a run in the 9th to make it 4-2 Giants. In the 9th, the Pads tied it on Scott Hairston's solo homer and a double by Geoff Blum. Brian Giles just missed a homer, as did Mike Cameron. In the bottom of the 10th, Khalil Greene homered to left to win it in a walkoff. Trevor Hoffman pitched a scoreless 10th and got the win (now 4-4). After 146 games, the Pads are 79-67 (home 41-31, road 38-36), Runs 652-593, Homers 151-104. The Pads have won 1 in a row, and only 4 of the last 10.

Game 147, Saturday, September 15, SF at SD: Pads win 6-0. Brett Tomko started for the Pads and pitched very well (6 IP, 0 R, 4 H, 0 BB, 5 K, won, now 3-11). Matt Cain actually pitched better (6 IP, 1 R, 1 H, 0 BB, 6 K, lost, now 7-15) with the only hit a triple by Adrian Gonzalez in the 2nd that Barry Bonds couldn't glove. Gonzalez was driven in by Kahlil Greene's sacrifice fly. The Pads scored 3 in the 7th and 2 in the 8th off the Giants bullpen. The key hits were Mike Cameron's 2-run homer in the 7th off Randy Messenger. Joe Thatcher saved the win for Tomko in the 7th when he induced a bases-loaded double play. After 147 games, the Pads are 80-67 (home 42-31, road 38-36), Runs 658-593, Homers 152-104. The Pads have won 2 in a row, but only 4 of the last 10.

Game 148, Sunday, September 16, SF at SD: Pads win 5-1. Jake Peavy pitched well again ( 7.1 IP, 1 R, 4 H, 1 BB, 10 K, won, now 18-6). The Pads got a run in the 2nd on an error by Omar Vizquel, then scored a run in the 6th when Randy Winn misjudged Brady Clark's deep fly, and 2 runs in the 7th on doubles by Kevin Kouzmanoff and Adrian Gonzalez. The Giants got a run in the 8th on a walk and two singles off Peavy. Heath Bell shut them down with a double play ball. The Pads scored a solo run in the 8th on a solo homer by Kahlil Greene (#22). After 148 games, the Pads are 81-67 (home 42-31, road 38-36), Runs 663-594, Homers 153-104. The Pads have won 3 in a row, and 5 of the last 10.

Game 149, Monday, September 17, Pittsburgh at SD: Pads win 3-0. Jack Cassel started and won his first career game (6 IP, 0 ER, 8 H, 0 BB, 3 Ks), getting out of several jams. Doug Brocail, Heath Bell and Trevor Hoffman (38th save) pitched 3 scoreless innings. The Pads got 12 run in the 1st inning on Mike Cameron's double, and 2 runs in the 4th on Kahlil Greene's homer. This was the Pads 20th shutout victory, and none of them has been a complete game. After 149 games, the Pads are 82-67 (home 43-31, road 38-36), Runs 666-594, Homers 154-104. The Pads have won 4 in a row, and 6 of the last 10.

Game 150, Tuesday, September 18, Pittsburgh at SD: Pads win 5-3. Greg Maddux started and pitched only fair (5+ IP, 3 R, 7 H, 2 BB, 2 Ks, won, now 13-10). He gave up his first walks in 59+ innings. The Pirates went ahead 2-0 in the top of the 1st inning, on 4 straight singles. In the 5th, Maddux gave up a solo homer to Xavier Nady and was pinch hit for in the bottom of the inning. Cla Meredith, Doug Brocail and Trevor Hoffman (39th save) finished with 4 scoreless innings. The Pads responded with 3 runs in the 1st inning on a hit batter with the bases loaded, a sacrifice fly and a single to right. In the second, the Pads scored another run on an Adrian Gonzalez single. Finally, in the 6th, Kahlil Greene singled home a run. The Pads had 13 hits and 6 walks, and left 14 runners on base - the bases loaded 3 times. After 150 games, the Pads are 83-67 (home 44-31, road 38-36), Runs 671-597, Homers 154-104. The Pads have won 5 in a row, and 7 of the last 10.

After 150 games, the Pads are 1 game behind Arizona (85-67, won 6 out of last 10) in the NL West, and 1-1/2 games ahead of Philadelphia (82-69) in the Wild Card race. The Dodgers are 79-72, the Rockies are 79-72, and the Giants are 67-84.

The best Google ad ever?

Was she paid for this?

The Bannister of Life

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have writtenan impressive new book. It's called .......... "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Chargers 2007: Hope Springs Eternal

The regular season is finally here. Chargers fans have had 8 months to recover from the disappointment of the playoff loss to New England, the firing of Marty Schottenheimer and the hiring of Norv Turner as head coach and many assistant coaches.

A.J. Smith did a nice job of drafting talent to back up a veteran and talented squad. The 53 man roster looks great on paper. There are questions, however:

* Will the front seven defense be as active as they were last year? I think so - perhaps even more active.
* Will the secondary be better in pass defense? I doubt it - it's essentially the same players and the same scheme. Perhaps Hart starting at safety and Weddle as the nickel back will help some.
* Will the offensive line be as good as last year? Probably - it's pretty much the same guys with another year of experience.
* Will the receivers be better than last year? I sure hope so, they were the weakest unit on the team last year, Antonio Gates notwithstanding. Vincent Jackson and Malcolm Floyd need to step up until Eric Parker returns. Antonio Gates needs to retain his superiority at TE.
* Will Phillip Rivers be as consistent as he was in the last 12 games last year? I hope so - but a second-year (in experience) QB often takes a step backwards. If he gets hurt, Billy Volek has the experience to step in, but he's not Rivers.
* Will LT get 2,000 yards and 30 TDs? I actually hope not - he needs to be spelled on occasion, and the offense needs to be multi-faceted. Michael Turner needs to recover from his ankle injury and do run again. What happens if Turner goes down? Darren Sproles?
* Will the punt return team be more successful this year? I hope so - we need fewer fumbles, fewer penalties and longer returns.

However, the schedule is much tougher than last year - we start with Chicago Bears at home this Sunday, then travel to New England. Both are quality teams.

My crystal ball says the Chargers will be 11-5 this year (I tend to be pessimistic in my predictions!). You cannot predict what injuries will happen or what bad luck (weather, bounces) or dumb players (penalties, fumbles, drugs, etc.) the team will endure. That's why we play the games!

Picking this week's winners:

New Orleans over Indianapolis (H) (Thursday)
Kansas City over Houston (H)
Denver over Buffalo (H)
Pittsburgh over Cleveland (H)
Tennessee over Jacksonville (H)
St. Louis (H) over Carolina
Philadelphia over Green Bay (H)
Minnesota (H) over Atlanta
Washington (H) over Miami
New England over NY Jets (H)
Seattle (H) over Tampa Bay
Detroit over Oakland (H)
Dallas (H) over NY Giants
San Diego (H) over Chicago
Baltimore over Cincinnati (H) (Monday)
San Francisco (H) over Arizona (Monday)

How's my crystal ball? Tune in next week to find out how it did.


I didn't do so well in Week 1, did I? I got Denver, Pittsburgh, Tennessee, New England, Washington, Minnesota, Seattle, Detroit, San Diego, Dallas, and San Francisco right - a total of 11 out of 16. 9 home teams won.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Old Age Quotes

Gray hair is God's graffiti. -- Bill Cosby

Old age is no place for sissies -- Bette Davis

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter -- Satchel Paige

Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed -- Charles Schulz

"Don't worry about senility,"my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it." -- Bill Cosby

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been -- Mark Twain

Inside every seventy year old is a thirty five year old asking, "What happened?"-- Ann Landers

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age -- Lucille Ball

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and it was the law -- Jerry Seinfeld

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like -- Jackie Mason

Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes. Pull on rubber gloves. Smear Vaseline over your glasses, and there you have it: instant old age -- Malcolm Cowley.