Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Jokes you can tell in church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"


A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"


Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"


An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."


A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

Funnies for women


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.' He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.'

The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

What is 710?

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 7 10 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

New meaning for old words

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.


Here is the Washington Post 's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A Paul Newman moment

From my email --

Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this true story.

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk.

After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store. Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.

The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?

Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.

His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman,
"You put it in your purse."


What Equals 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER 100%. How about ACHIEVING 101%?

What equals 100% in life?

Here 's a little mathematical formula that might help answer these Questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 3 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K =
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
Then: K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But: A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E =
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D =
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the Top!

The Beauty of Math!

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it? And look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321
This is all in Base 10!

The Chargers Season

Since the Chargers lost 21-12 to New England on Sunday, I wanted to summarize the season as I saw it.

1) The Chargers fired Marty Schottenheimer in January mainly because he couldn't or wouldn't get along with the GM, A J. Smith. The "official excuse" was that he couldn't win in the playoffs...and his record surely showed that was true.

2) The Chargers hired Norv Turner as head coach in February, and of course he hasn't won in the playoffs either. But I was sure that he could get along with AJ Smith!

3) In the mean time, the Chargers lost their offensive coordinator to be head coach of the Dolphins (who were 1-15), and their defensive coordinator, Wade Phillips, to be head coach of the Cowboys (who were 13-4). No problem, Norv will call the plays and they'll bring in Ted Cottrell from the NFL office to be the defensive coordinator.

4) The draft came and the Chargers drafted pretty well - WR Buster Davis, LB Anthony Waters, and several others.

5) The pre-season came and the Chargers played all of their backups and pared the roster down.

6) The Chargers won their first game, 14-3 over the Super Bowl losers - the Chicago Bears. We all marveled at the defense, and thought that the sluggish offense was due to the Bears defense.

7) The Chargers lost their next three games, to New England, Green Bay and Kansas City, showing poor defense and a sluggish offense (all three teams stopped the run and forced Rivers to pass). The WRs and Rivers didn't seem on the same page and the offensive line couldn't block well. The defense was getting hit by quick slants and outs to the backs, and tackling was poor. Chris Chambers was traded for and quickly became a favorite target of Rivers.

8) The Chargers were 4-2 over the next 6 games, getting better offense by throwing first and running second, but were beaten by Minnesota (giving up almost 400 yards rushing) and Jacksonville (a physical game - they won by running and passing well). There were still offensive line blocking problems but the passing games picked up. Special teams touchdowns won Colts game, along with a lucky FG miss. Now they were 5-5 and ready for a playoff push - in the AFC West, 4-2 over the last 6 games would do it.

9) The team went 6-0 over the last six games, but the only winning team they played was Tennessee, and that was an overtime struggle on the road. The offense still disappeared for whole halves, but the defense seemed to improve against the pass. 11-5 was great after a 1-3 start! Norv was a hero, Rivers had it going, LT was back in form, and the defense played well.

10) The playoffs - we were all cautiously hopeful - we remembered last year and the players were saying all the right things. Tennessee was the first opponent, and the team played well on both sides of the ball, although Antonio Gates got hurt. Indianapolis on the road was the next challenge, and we won 28-24, but LT got hurt early and Rivers was hurt at the end of the 3rd quarter. Billy Volek drove the team for the winning touchdown.

11) For the New England game, we knew LT, Rivers and Gates were hurt, but we didn't know how badly. LT lasted 4 plays ... Rivers played the whole game with a knee brace to support his right knee (after secret arthroscopic surgery on Monday). Gates played was not a factor. The offensive line protected Rivers decently, but the team could not score TDs - 4 FGs. The defense harassed Brady and picked him 3 times, but couldn't stop their offense three times. It was a great effort by a team with their offense hobbled.

So -- what now? In looking back over the season, I have these observations:

* The offensive line really doesn't run-block well - most running yards are obtained on LT cutbacks and outside flicks. Sweeps were non-existent, it seems. Offensive design? Slow guards? Stacked defenses? Perhaps.

* The passing game was mainly down the field - Chambers and Jackson were great in the 15-25 yard range - good hands, good feet, big targets. Gates disappeared late in the year, and dropped some balls.

* The defensive line didn't stop the run late in games. Injuries to Castillo and Williams didn't help, but the subs Bingham and McKinney and Cesaire played pretty well. The outside LBs Phillips and Merriman over pursued a lot and teams took advantage by throwing to the backs. I don't see the value of an outside rush that ends up 5 yards in back of the QB, it opens it up for a QB scramble to the sideline. The inside LBs didn't blitz much all year - and were not real effective in coverage. They rushed only 4 in crunch time, which permitted downfield passes.

* The defensive backs had a great year - the 3 DBs are able to cover man-to-man, but the safeties aren't. IMHO, they played too much zone defense, especially in crunch time.

* The special teams played well - except for kickoff depth. Kaeding got hurt in the Denver game, and kicked poorly in the Patriots game. He was 21 for 24 in the season and 4 for 6 in the playoffs. Scifres punted well. The cover teams did well. The return teams shined at times.

What do the Chargers need for next season?

* A backup running back to replace Turner - someone big with good hands, able to block and quick enough to get outside.

* A right guard and right tackle that can pass block better and run block better.

* A big-time inside linebacker.

* A rangy cornerback to replace Florence.

* Better running plays with more variety in the play calling.

* Better short passing game - we need to control the clock. Two inside runs and a 15 yard pass is not the way to play. Shorter third down yardage is a must.

I like Philip Rivers spirit and his play execution. I wish they would use more comeback routes when he scrambles. I wish they would throw more to the backs 10 yards downfield.

Well - those are my opinions. It was a good but not excellent year. On to 2008!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Musings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth.

I think You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Actual Printed Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for- nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

How to dance in the rain

From my email collection, from a nurse:

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him.

I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain.'

The Pill

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from the state of Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school. Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night.

Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive.'

'How much?' asked Grandpa. 'Around $10.00 a pill,' answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one,we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow.'

The next morning the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.'

'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma.'

NFL Picks - Conference Championship Games

I was 1-3 in picking winners of the Division Playoff games (Las Vegas was 2-2), the only game I got right was the no-brainer Patriots over the Jaguars, and I missed on the only upset I picked (Seattle over Green Bay). I am 158-106 (60.3%) on the season.

My Chargers persevered and overcame the Colts potent passing attack to win 28-24 in a come from behind victory with QB Philip Rivers (out at end of 3rd quarter) and RB Ladainian Tomlinson on the bench (out in 2nd quarter). The Bolts played a decent game - with enough running offense to keep the Colts defense honest, timely passing, especially on 3rd down, enough defense to make Manning make mistakes in the 4th quarter, and decent special teams. I predicted a Colts win 31-21, but didn't foresee 3 Indy turnovers in the red zone or two 4th down stops at the end - credit the Bolts defense for the turnovers and the stops. The score was 10-7 Colts at half time, and the teams traded the lead after that, ending up 28-24 Bolts. I'm happy to be wrong with my predictions! At least I felt like we earned this win, unlike the Titans game where we got lucky.

Now the Chargers travel to New England to play the Patriots in the cold (with snow??), but the Bolts seem to be an all weather team - good running game, quick receivers, good defense. New England beat the Chargers badly in Week 2, 38-14, but nobody expects that bad of a beating this time around. The Chargers are much improved since then, but the Pats are too, and they have the 17-0 streak going. The Chargers have some injuries to Rivers, Tomlinson and Gates, so the backups may have to carry some of the load. I'm going to predict a Patriots win, 27-20 but I will be ecstatic to be wrong again!

Here are my Conference Championship game picks of winners (Vegas favorites denoted by odds, home team denoted with an H):

NFC Championship:

* Green Bay (14-3) (H) (-7) over New York Giants (13-5). I will guess 24-21 Packers for this one - weather may be a factor, but good defenses on both sides will be a bigger factor.

AFC Championship:

* New England (17-0) (H) (-14.5) over San Diego (13-5). I think that this will be a great game, unless weather plays a big part in it. Defenses will play a huge part in this game, and special teams might also. They key for the Chargers will be to not make offensive mistakes and for the defense to get turnovers. With decent weather, I think the Chargers come close, say 27-20 Patriots.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Test your Geography IQ

Here's a web site to test your geography IQ - http://www.travelpod.com:80/traveler-iq.

I took this test once, and it took several minutes to get through the 11 levels. It kicked me off after 11 levels because I didn't get enough points on the 11th level.

I got 563,693 points, and have a Geography IQ of 132.

This is hard once you get to the "Hard" level. There are many places that I had to guess at on the Hardest level.

I could rarely get the cursor right on the exact place, although you aren't penalizedm uch for coming pretty close.

Stay alert! Idiots are everywhere.

IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since. ____________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef? Yep...From Kansas City !______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Birmingham , Ala. _____________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING : When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !

Thanks for the emails

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a aftershave sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 10 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's relative once removed.

BTW....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Area 51

Have you heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane -- only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

NFL Picks - Division Playoff Games

I was 3-1 in picking winners of the Wild Card playoff games (Las Vegas was 2-2), and I hit 2 of the 3 upsets I picked. I am 157-103 (60.4%) on the season.

My Chargers struggled against Tennessee, playing poorly in the first half - they were dominated by Tennessee's defense, but were behind only 6-0 at the half. The Bolts dominated the second half, scoring 17 unanswered points to win 17-6. They challenged Philip Rivers to beat them, and he did by throwing medium to long passes on third down. The Titans shut down the Chargers running game by putting 8 in the box and dared Rivers to throw. The Bolts pass protection was much better this game than the first game against Tennessee. The defense played very well the whole game, although the Titans ran well in the first quarter. Now they travel to Indianapolis to play the Colts indoors, which is a mixed blessing. There will be no weather effects, but crowd noise becomes an issue.

Here are my Division Playoff picks of winners (Vegas favorites denoted by odds, home team denoted with an H):

NFC Playoff Games:

* Seattle Seahawks (11-6) over Green Bay (13-3) (H) (-8). I will guess 20-17 Seattle for this one - weather will likely be a factor.

* Dallas Cowboys (13-3) (H) (-7.5) over New York Giants (11-6). Dallas is just too tough, I'll guess it won't be close, 30-16 Dallas.

AFC Playoff Games:

* New England (16-0) (H) (-13.5) over Jacksonville (12-5). I think that this will be the best game of the weekend, unless weather plays a big part in it. With decent weather, I think Jacksonville makes this a game, say 27-24 Patriots.

* Indianapolis (13-3) (H) (-8.5) over San Diego (12-5). The Colts have all of their weapons back and incentive to beat the Chargers. I see this game a 31-21 romp for the Colts, unless the Bolts get some special teams touchdowns.

There is almost always at least one upset in this round, and the game that makes the most sense to me is Seattle beating Green Bay even though it is in Green Bay. I don't see how the Giants or Chargers beat well balanced teams playing at home. I think Jacksonville is nearly the equal of the Patriots, but the game is in New England and perhaps in bad weather.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Julie Andrews Birthday Song

When Julie Andrews turned 69, she commemorated her birthday on October 1 with a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."

Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth and glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains,
and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Time for confession?

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors every day and twice on weekends."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. ...But I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest. ....

"Should I tell her the war is over?"


It may take you two minutes to read this, but if you don't take the time to read this you may be one of the people that this is talking about.

You stay up for 16 hours.
He stays up for days on end.

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.

You complain of a 'headache', and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.

You put on your anti-war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.

You trash talk about your 'buddies' that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.

You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.

Your maid or Mom makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.

You crap on your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people, and remembers why he is fighting.

You hear the slander about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.

You see only what the biased media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.

You're asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't, 'cause you don't feel you want to.
He does exactly what he is told.

You stay at home and watch TV (Colbert, Franken, O'Brien, SNL, MTV and all the rest).
He takes whatever time he's given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.

You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.

You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place because of men like him.
If only there were more men & women like him.

If you really support your troops, resend this with a 'ooraahhh!!' If you don't support your troops - well, then don't resend, it's not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your freedom.

An addictive simple game

Go to http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html and try to avoid being caught for 18 seconds.

I survived for 20 seconds on my fifth try. You have to be nmble and careful.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

NFL Picks - Wild Card Playoffs

I was 9-7 in Week 17 picking winners (Las Vegas was 13-3), and I hit none of the 4 upsets I picked. I am 154-102 (60.2%) on the season.

My Chargers played pretty well in beating Oakland 30-17. I predicted Chargers 24-16 over the Raiders. If the Bolts had not recovered a fumble in the end zone, it might have been 23-17. The Chargers tried to be careful to keep their starters well, and succeeded in that while winning the game. So the Chargers end up 11-5 in the regular season, with a 6 game winning streak.

Here are my Wild Card Playoff picks of winners (Vegas favorites denoted by odds, home team denoted with an H):

NFC Playoff Games:

* Washington Redskins (9-7) over Seattle Seahawks (10-6) (H) (-3.5).

* New York Giants (10-6) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7) (H) (-2.5).

AFC Playoff Games:

* Jacksonville (11-5) over Pittsburgh (10-6) (H) (-2).

* San Diego (11-5) (H) (-9) over Tennessee (10-6).

The Chargers have a great incentive to win this game - to finally get the "playoff loser" monkey off their backs. I do think that the Chargers game will be close - decided by a field goal in a defensive battle. I'll guess the score will be 17-13 Bolts.

I've picked only one home team, and only one favorite. My rationale is that Washington, NY Giants nad Jacksonville have better teams right now than their opponents. I've only been right 60% of the time so far this year ...

Here are my 32 team power ratings (my estimates based on won-lost record and point differential) after 16 games:

1. New England (16-0) ........... PR = 38
2. Dallas (13-3) ........................ PR = 32
3. Indianapolis (13-3) ............ PR = 31
4. Green Bay (13-3) ................ PR = 30
5. Jacksonville (11-5) .............. PR = 28

6. San Diego (11-5) ............... PR = 27
7. Pittsburgh (10-6) ................. PR = 26
8. Seattle (10-6) ...................... PR = 25
9. Tennessee (10-6) ............... PR = 24
10. Cleveland (10-6) ................ PR = 24

11. Washington (9-7) ........... PR = 23
12. New York Giants (10-6) ..... PR = 23
13. Tampa Bay (9-7) .............. PR = 23
14. Minnesota (8-8) ............. PR = 21
15. Philadelphia (8-8) .......... PR = 21

16. Houston (8-8) ............... PR = 20
17. Arizona (8-8) .................. PR = 20
18. New Orleans (7-9) ........ PR = 19
19. Cincinnati (7-9) ........... PR = 18
20. Chicago (7-9) .................. PR = 18

21. Buffalo (7-9) ................... PR = 17
22. Denver (7-9) .................... PR = 16
23. Carolina (7-9) ................ PR = 16
24. Detroit (7-9) .................. PR = 15
25. San Francisco (5-11) .... PR = 13

26. Baltimore (5-11) ............ PR = 13
27. NY Jets (4-12) ............... PR = 13
28. Oakland (4-12) ............... PR = 12
29. Kansas City (4-12) ......... PR = 12
30. Atlanta (4-12) ................ PR = 11

31. St. Louis (3-13) ............. PR = 10
32. Miami (1-15) .................. PR = 8