Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Giraffe Test

How do you put a Giraffe in the refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
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~ The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of theProfessionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Friday, November 13, 2009

Things you must believe to be a Democrat

From a FreeRepublic thread...

• That a religious fanatic who screams that his god is greater than yours and proceeds to shoot 40 unarmed soldiers is not a terrorist, but that your granny, who went to a town hall meeting to protest Medicare cuts, is.

• That it is OK to force taxpayers to pay for your teenage daughter’s abortion, but it’s not OK to pay people to teach her that she shouldn’t have sex in the first place.

• That a God who taught His followers to tell everyone about Him but to walk away from those who will not listen is hateful and bigoted, but a god who teaches his followers to convert by force and to kill everyone who doesn’t believe in him is peaceful.

• That we will all die soon from global warming if we don’t stop carbon dioxide emissions, even though there is no scientific evidence that carbon dioxide hurts anything (and, in fact, the earth is cooling rather than warming).

• That it is somehow noble to trash the economy of the United States in the name of stopping a climate change that is not happening, but it would be wrong to ask China and India to do the same.

• That the freely available scientific evidence that shows that the earth warms and cools in cycles according to the energy output of the sun (and that the same phenomenon is observed on the other planets in our solar system) must be ignored – instead we must ruin the economy of the most prosperous nation on earth to reduce carbon dioxide emissions.

• That it’s OK to pay Middle Eastern and South American countries that hate us for their oil, but it’s not OK to drill for our own oil (of which we have the biggest reserves in the world).

• That any word spoken against a black president or his supporters is racist and evil, but the many hateful things spoken against the previous white president were only “speaking truth to power”.

• That a Republican governor who cheated on his wife is unfit for office, but a Democrat president that cheated on his wife could not be removed from office and is now considered a hero.

• That any white person who is not a Democrat and who says anything that can be construed as racially or culturally insensitive must be removed from any public position (or even fired from a non-public position) as a result, but any white Democrat that does the same must be given a pass.

• That any white, Christian and/or heterosexual person who is not a Democrat and who says anything that can be construed as racially or culturally insensitive must be removed from any public position (or even fired from a non-public position) as a result, but that any racial, sexual or religious minority can say anything about anyone in the majority and not be punished.

• That “Hispanic” is a race.

• That to present both sides of an issue for discussion is somehow “not journalism”, while only allowing the Democrat point of view to be presented is fair and balanced.

• That it is evil for insurance companies to make a profit from our health care, but any organization that interferes with the profits of the company that kills all the babies must be sued.
• That insurance companies must be forced to pay for your boob job or sex change operation, but they better not raise your rates as a result.

• That insurance companies are somehow responsible for health care costs being so high, and that substituting the government for the insurance companies will fix it.

• That forcing banks to loan money to people who cannot or will not repay it is somehow good for the economy, and that the banks that made the loans are wholly responsible for the predictable result.

• That a tax cheat is the perfect guy to be in charge of the Senate committee that writes tax law.

• That Muslims must be allowed to follow the tenets of their religion, including the right to kill people as their law allows, but that Christians who follow their religion are hateful and bigoted.

• That a black person who does not support affirmative action is not really black, despite the existence of Clarence Thomas.

• That a woman who does not support abortion is not really female, despite the existence of Sarah Palin.

• That a homosexual who escapes the homosexual lifestyle was never really homosexual in the first place, even though it’s supposedly a genetic thing.

• It’s a terrible evil that Dick Cheney got rich by running a corporation. Al Gore, however, is a saint.

• Public schools are terrible because we don’t pay teachers enough money, even though the places with the best paid teachers have the worst schools.

• That Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans, even though the flooding happened well after the storm had passed.

• That the Republican president at the time was totally responsible for the damage to New Orleans from Katrina, even though the damage occurred because the Democrat controlled state and local governments did not repair and properly maintain the levee that failed, then failed to plan and prepare for the storm while refusing federal help, then curled into the fetal position and refused to take any action during and after the storm, which hindered federal efforts to send help.

• That an organization that is willing and happy to help a pimp set up a whorehouse using underage illegal alien whores is worthy of funding by the federal government, but an organization that tries to talk pregnant girls out of abortions should be cut off from all federal funding.

• That non-citizens who are in this country illegally should be given free health care, paid for by the folks whose jobs they are taking.

• That killing a puppy or a kitten is a crime worthy of jail, but killing a baby is to be celebrated.

• That sworn enemies of this nation must not be killed or even made uncomfortable, but our elderly citizens and those that are in comas must be killed so that the rest of us are not made uncomfortable.

• That it is wrong to wiretap a terrorist’s phone, but it’s OK to publish information that allows the terrorists to avoid capture.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Florida court sets Atheist Holy Day

From my email,

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

From my email...

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.You know,

I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

300,000,001

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in email, but this one is important.

It has been circulating for months and have been sent to over 300 million people. We don't want to lose any names on the list. Please keep it going.

To show your support for Obama's health care reform,please go to the end of the list and add your name.

1. Nancy Pelosi
2.

The Empty Suit


Saturday, November 07, 2009

Revised Pelosi Health Care Plan Chart

Here's the flow chart for the revised House of Representatives Health Care bill of 6 November 2009.


Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Red Dot

From my email...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice for our computer problems!

I'm glad that is cleared up! It's always nice to learn about the traditions of other cultures. Ah, multi-culturalism!

Your Congress Critters in Action


House Minority Leader Lawrence F. Cafero Jr., R-Norwalk, pictured standing, far right, speaks while colleagues Rep. Barbara Lambert, D-Milford and Rep. Jack F. Hennessy, D-Bridgeport, play Solitaire Monday night as the House convened to vote on a new budget.

The guy sitting in the row in front of these two... he's on Facebook, and the guy behind Hennessy is checking out the baseball scores.

These assholes, elected by you and me, earn $174,000 yearly....and this is what they do for it!!!

My comment: at least they aren't voting on something important or chasing interns! I'd rather they waste their time doing this than making things worse.

Non illegitimus carborundum!