Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Benefits of being Older

From my email...

  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

  • It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.

  • People call at 9:00 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

  • There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

  • Things you buy now won’t wear out.

  • You can eat dinner at 4:00 pm.

  • You can live without sex but not without glasses.

  • You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

  • You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

  • You sing along with the elevator music.

  • Your eyes won’t get much worse.

  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

  • Last and most important – You have more time for Genealogy!
  • Sunday, May 29, 2011

    Jobs and Balls

    From my email:

    1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL

    2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

    3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL

    4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL

    5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS

    6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF


    The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

    Saturday, May 28, 2011

    Things I didn't know...but do now

    From my email:

    Barbie’s full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

    It is impossible to lick your elbow.

    A crocodile can’t stick its tongue out.

    A shrimp’s heart is in their head.

    People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, you’re heart stops for a millisecond.

    In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand (or attempted to do so).

    It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

    Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas.

    By law, every child in Belgium must take harmonica lessons at Primary school.

    On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.

    More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

    Rats and horses can’t vomit.

    The "sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

    If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

    Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

    Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

    If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

    In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

    The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

    Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

    A duck’s quack doesn’t echo anywhere, and no one knows why.

    23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

    In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

    Most lipstick contains fish scales.

    Cat’s urine glows under a black light.

    Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.

    Now, how many of you tried to lick your elbow ???

    Thursday, May 26, 2011

    This is US!

    From my email - thanks, Helen:

     Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every  conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

    upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

    The melody out of music,
    The pride out of appearance,
    The courtesy out of driving,
    The romance out of love,
    The commitment out of marriage,
    The responsibility out of parenthood,
    The togetherness out of the family,
    The learning out of education,
    The service out of patriotism,
    The Golden Rule from rulers,
    The nativity scene out of cities,
    The civility out of behavior,
    The refinement out of language,
    The dedication out of employment,
    The prudence out of spending,
    The ambition out of achievement or
     out of government and school.
    And we certainly are NOT  the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

    And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism,
    and remember those who have fought and died for our country. 

    Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!


    I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

    I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... with a hammer.

    I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

    I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

    I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

    I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

    I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

    Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

    Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more too!

    Sunday, May 22, 2011

    The Redhead

    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

    Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

    'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place... 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwords they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

    After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

    The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

    'No,' she replies. . ... 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

    Friday, May 20, 2011

    Computer Tech Support Goodies

    From my email - thanks, Helen!

    Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?

    Customer: A white one.

    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD out !!!
    Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button ?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.
    Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk . . . sorry. Thank you.

    .Tech Support: Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the
    left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left ?

    .Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you ?
    Male Customer: Hi . . . I can't print.
    Tech Support: Would you click on 'START' for me and . . ..
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me. I'm not Billi Gates !!!

    .Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try, it says . . . 'CAN'T FIND PRINTER'. I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it !!!

    Customer: I have problems printing in red.
    Tech Support: Do you have a color printer ?
    Customer: Aaaah . . . . . . . . . . thank you.

    .Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am ?
    Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.

    .Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer ?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.
    Customer: Okay.
    Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you ?
    Customer: Yes.
    Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard ?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please. . . Ah, that one does work. Thanks!

    .Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number ' 7'.
    Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters ?

    .Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
    Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password ?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it.
    Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five dots.

    .Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.

    .Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer .. . . but every time I move my mouse, it disappears.

    .Tech Support: How may I help you ?
    Customer: I'm writing my first email.
    Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem ?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.

    .A woman customer called the Canon help desk because she had a problem with her printer.
    Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine !

    Last, but not least....

    Tech Support: Okay Cathy, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
    Customer: I don't have a 'P'.
    Tech Support: On your keyboard, Cathy.
    Customer: What do you mean ?
    Tech Support: 'P' . . . on your keyboard, Cathy.
    Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT !!!

    Tuesday, May 10, 2011

    Telephone Pole Installers

    There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said

    "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

    Both teams headed right out.

    At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

    Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.

    The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

    Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed,"Sven and me, we got three in."

    The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

    "Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!"

    Sunday, May 08, 2011

    Should I Join Facebook?

    When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

    That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

    My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

    The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I
    am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

    I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

    When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

    To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

    The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

    Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

    Sunday, May 01, 2011

    Thomas Jefferson's Resume

    From my email...

    Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man who started learning very early in life and never stopped.

    At 5, began studying under his cousins tutor.

    At 9, studied Latin, Greek and French.

    At 14, studied classical literature and additional languages.

    At 16, entered the College of William and Mary.

    At 19, studied Law for 5 years starting under George Wythe.

    At 23, started his own law practice.

    At 25, was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses.

    At 31, wrote the widely circulated "Summary View of the Rights of British America " and retired from his law practice.

    At 32, was a Delegate to the Second Continental Congress.

    At 33, wrote the Declaration of Independence .

    At 33, took three years to revise Virginia's legal code and wrote a Public Education bill and a statute for Religious Freedom.

    At 36, was elected the second Governor of Virginia succeeding Patrick Henry.

    At 40, served in Congress for two years.

    At 41, was the American minister to France and negotiated commercial treaties with European nations along with Ben Franklin and John Adams.

    At 46, served as the first Secretary of State under George Washington.

    At 53, served as Vice President and was elected president of the American Philosophical Society.

    At 55, drafted the Kentucky Resolutions and became the active head of Republican Party.

    At 57, was elected the third president of the United States .

    At 60, obtained the Louisiana Purchase doubling the nation's size.

    At 61, was elected to a second term as President.

    At 65, retired to Monticello .

    At 80, helped President Monroe shape the Monroe Doctrine.

    At 81, almost single-handedly created the University of Virginia and served as its first president.

    At 83, died on the 50th anniversary of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence along with John Adams

    Thomas Jefferson knew because he himself studied the previous failed attempts at government. He understood actual history, the nature of God, his laws and the nature of man. That happens to be way more than what most understand today. Jefferson really knew his stuff. A voice from the past to lead us in the future:

    John F. Kennedy held a dinner in the white House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time. He made this statement: "This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever to gather at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone."

    When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe .
    -- Thomas Jefferson

    The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
    -- Thomas Jefferson

    It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.
    -- Thomas Jefferson

    I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.
    -- Thomas Jefferson

    My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.
    -- Thomas Jefferson

    No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.
    -- Thomas Jefferson

    The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
    -- Thomas Jefferson

    The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
    -- Thomas Jefferson

    To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.
    -- Thomas Jefferson

    I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property - until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.
    -- Thomas Jefferson (in 1802)

    Some new funnies...

    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
    Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

    Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’


    A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?’

    The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’


    ‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said,

    ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’

    ‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and Then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’


    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

    ‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’


    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

    The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

    The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’


    Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

    1. The DNA all matches.

    2. There are no dental records.


    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’

    The agent replies, ‘Just a minute’

    ‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.


    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

    ‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

    ‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

    ‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’

    ‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’


    Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

    Joe: ‘Really?’

    Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’


    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

    It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

    ‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

    ‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

    He’s still in intensive care.


    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…

    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’