Sunday, June 26, 2011


Cousin Bonnie contributed this:

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."  "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy! 

 1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom:  "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."  ~ Jon Hammond

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Fire the Cattle Guards?

From my email (thanks, Stan!):

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.  

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that... before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining for Arizona border guards. 'Times are hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!'   

And these two guys are running our country, OMG!

Snopes says that this is false - the joke has been around for many years.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


 1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour of every day.
 2.  This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
 3.  Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
 4.  Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart  combined.
 5.  Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world's largest private employer, and most speak English.
 6.  Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.
 7.  Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
 8.  During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

  9.  Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
 10.  Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of  which 2,906 are Super Centers; this is  1,000 more than it had five years ago.
 11.  This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will    occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)
 12.  90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart.
 13.  Wal-Mart has gross sales that total more than the total revenue of all the countries in the world, except 6.
You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy. 

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Merits of a Mistress

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress.   My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Some useful conversions...

From  my email, thanks Lee!

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric system, including all its Newton’s, Joules and Watts, here are some other useful conversions:
  • Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to it diameter: Eskimo Pi
  • 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won Ton
  • 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
  • Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
  • Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: 1 Knot-furlong
  • 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year
  • 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
  • Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
  • 1 million aches: 1 megahurts
  • Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
  • Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
  • 454 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
  • 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
  • 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
  • 2000 mockingbirds: Two kilomockingbirds
  • 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
  • 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
  • 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
  • 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
  • 100 rations: 1 c-ration
  • 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
  • 10 rations: 1 decoration
  • 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
  • 10 cards: 1 decacards
  • 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yal University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
  • 100 Senators: Not 1 decision

Thursday, June 02, 2011

STC - Senior Texting Codes

From my email - thanks, Bob:

Because more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code.)

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Fell

Bring The Wheelchair

See You At The Senior Center

Forgot Where I Was

Found Your Insulin

Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again

Had Good Bowel Movement

Is My Hearing-Aid On?

Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor  
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

Talk To You Louder--
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
GGLKI !!! : Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In !!!