A Sad Tale ...

 From my email -- thanks John:

Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently. I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt & hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Richard  

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.  

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE: 

Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

============================================

Darned wi-fi... do you think that Max then married Richard's wife?

She's Going to a ... Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.

‘Hello’, he blurted out, ‘Business trip or vacation?’

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, ‘Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.’

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’ ‘Lecturer,’ she responded.’I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.’

‘Really’, he smiled, ‘what myths are those?’

‘Well,’ she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.’

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said ‘I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!’

‘Tonto,’ the man said. ‘Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.’

You Never Know...

when opportunity knocks.

Is that the father's gravestone they are on?  Revenge?  Or just opportunity.

I wonder if this cemetery knows that this happened.  It's kind of like Google Street View or Satellite View seeing things, isn't it?

Nice stones, though (says the genealogist in me!).

How to Start a Fight

From my email - thanks, Helen:

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________ __

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

______________________________ __

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

______________________________ _

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

______________________________ __

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

______________________________ __

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.....

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

______________________________ __

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

______________________________ __

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.  

When we Weren't Politically Correct

From my email - thanks, Helen!

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER 


Hollywood Squares: 
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. 

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? 

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! 

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) 

Q. Do female frogs croak? 

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. 

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be 

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. 

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... 

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. 

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. 

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? 

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. 

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? 

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. 

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? 

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. 

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? 

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. 

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? 

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? 

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other? 

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.. 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. 

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? 

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. 

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? 

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? 

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.. 

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. 

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? 

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. 

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? 

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. 

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? 

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? 

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him 

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? 

A. Charley Weaver: His feet. 

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? 

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh 

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, 
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

Prayers for Jim

From my email, where do my correspondents get these things?

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.|
 A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.”

“Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?” the pastor prompted.

“Two months ago,” she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, “my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She went on, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, “I’m Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!

Worst Day of His Life

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.

The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”The next day grandpa died.

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died. “Holy Moly”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day. He had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so
instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day?  You’ll never believe what happened to me this morning.  My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.”

She's Single and Shapely...

She’s single, She’s shapely.
She’s beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

Being a senior citizen really sucks!

Best Irish Joke Ever?

Retiring in the Caribbean...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a  Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. 

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the

​s​hore.

In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. 
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, !
!
!
!
!
!
!
! "You've built a Golf Course too?" 

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.  One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant
  
   Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.  Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
  
   She agreed, but she asked how he would know when the baby was born.  To keep it discreet, he advised her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti on the back.  He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
  
   One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, You received a very strange post card today.
  
   Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, he replied.  The wife obeyed, and watched her husband as he read the card.  He turned white and fainted
  
   On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.  Three with meatballs.  Two without.  Send extra sauce.


   

Dating Ads for Seniors Found in Florida Newspapers

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of

anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in

''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors don't have

a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------

SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------

WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------

BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------

MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.
----------------------------------------------------

My favorite…
MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Sue's cell phone conversation on the train

From my email...thanks, Bill:

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat on the train and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Why Trick or Treating Is Better Than Sex

After 50 years of marriage ... a spark!

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. 

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'... 

Repost if you laughed!!!

Only the Irish Have Jokes Like These!

From my email - thanks, Helen:

1)  Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,  Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.  His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,  His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp  

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.  " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.  "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,  "He couldn't do that to you,  He must have had something in his hand."  

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,  And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."  " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,  Didn't you have something in your hand?"  

That I did," said Paddy.  "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of 
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight"

 

***********************************************************************

2)  An Irishman who had a little too much to drink 
Is driving home from the city one night and,  Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.  "So," says the cop to the driver,  Where have ya been?" 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"  Slurs the drunk.  

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite 
A few to drink this evening."  "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.  "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and  Folding his arms across his chest,  "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.  "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

********************************************************************

3)  Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,  When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.  "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.  "I've somethin' to tell ya".  

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."  "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." 

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus 
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.  Finally, she looked up at Tim.  "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat 
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,  He got out three times to pee"

**********************************************************************

4)  Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after  His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.  He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"  She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night."  

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "That he did, Father."  The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "  

She says, He said,  'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

*********************************************************

5)  ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,  Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.  The Priest coughs a few times to get his  Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.  

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.  The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,  there's no paper on this side either!"