After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
Repost if you laughed!!!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Old age and treachery beats youth and skill AGAIN!
From my email - thanks, Bill:
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable".
"I'm a great gambler and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa says, "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
Don't Mess with Old People!
Put another way: Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time!
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable".
"I'm a great gambler and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa says, "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
Don't Mess with Old People!
Put another way: Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time!
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Only the Irish Have Jokes Like These!
From my email - thanks, Helen:
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight"
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and Folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
1) Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight"
***********************************************************************
2) An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and, Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
Is driving home from the city one night and, Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and Folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
********************************************************************
3) Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three times to pee"
**********************************************************************
4) Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
*********************************************************
5) ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Zen Teachings
From my email, thanks, Helen:
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before
you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way,
when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Thursday, August 08, 2013
Worst Day of His Life
My friend Bill has the best jokes on Facebook:
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Thursday, August 01, 2013
Exam for Memory Loss
This test will keep that dreaded disease that affects your memory at bay!
New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below (in comments) ....
Tuesday, July 02, 2013
Country Humor with Cletus and Billy Bob
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Global Warming is a Hoax - Some Measurements
Dr. John Christy participated in a conference on global warming last month, and presented some power points that make several points with respect to the ongoing climate debate. All of these observations will be familiar to "climate change realists" but Dr. Christy’s visuals are effective. You can view the power point slides here, and the accompanying text here. Here is the slide comparing the IPCC climate change prediction with real measured results:
Go read the text and see all of the slides with measured data.
The media is in cahoots with the part of the science establishment promoting this hoax - they either have an ulterior motive or they are wrong and stupid. Which is it?
Go read the text and see all of the slides with measured data.
The media is in cahoots with the part of the science establishment promoting this hoax - they either have an ulterior motive or they are wrong and stupid. Which is it?
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
What Little Boys Know ...
1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3) A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10) Certain Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12) Super glue is forever.
13) No matter how much jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like jelly.
15) VCR’s do not eject peanut butter & jelly sandwiches even though TV ads show they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20) The fire department has a 5-minute response time.
21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3) A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10) Certain Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12) Super glue is forever.
13) No matter how much jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like jelly.
15) VCR’s do not eject peanut butter & jelly sandwiches even though TV ads show they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20) The fire department has a 5-minute response time.
21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
22 Adult Truths
From my email -- thanks, Linda!
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive
times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. yes!
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories. sometimes
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. got that right
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. love it!
18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. probably
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. yes!
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories. sometimes
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. got that right
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. love it!
18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. probably
22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Wednesday, May 01, 2013
Anagrams
From my email (thanks, Cora!):
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS!:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTH QUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER -IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
AND FINALLY FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
When you rearrange the letters:
STRUGGLING INCOMPETENT LIAR
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS!:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTH QUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER -IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
AND FINALLY FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
When you rearrange the letters:
STRUGGLING INCOMPETENT LIAR
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Solar Activity and Planetary Motion Effects on Global Temperature Variations
Taking a break from jokes, here's some serious global warming stuff.
I still say that "global warming" is a function of solar activity, and have had the opinion for over 20 years (but I'm not a climatologist). But I read some of the science blogs that comment on peer-reviewed papers and research.
A new post at ClimateMonitor.it by Carlo Tosti demonstrates that the global temperature record since 1880 is highly correlated to solar activity, and that solar activity is in turn highly correlated to the harmonics of planetary motion.
The correlation image is at http://www.climatemonitor.it/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/13_Anomalia-temperatura_segnale-planetario.jpg
Read the translated paper at http://translate.google.com/translate?sl=auto&tl=en&u=http://www.climatemonitor.it/?p%3D31974
I still say that "global warming" is a function of solar activity, and have had the opinion for over 20 years (but I'm not a climatologist). But I read some of the science blogs that comment on peer-reviewed papers and research.
A new post at ClimateMonitor.it by Carlo Tosti demonstrates that the global temperature record since 1880 is highly correlated to solar activity, and that solar activity is in turn highly correlated to the harmonics of planetary motion.
The correlation image is at http://www.climatemonitor.it/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/13_Anomalia-temperatura_segnale-planetario.jpg
Read the translated paper at http://translate.google.com/translate?sl=auto&tl=en&u=http://www.climatemonitor.it/?p%3D31974
Monday, April 15, 2013
Curtains!
A Blonde goes to a shop to buy curtains. She said to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.He shows her several patterns. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Another Great Ole and Sven Joke
Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
‘Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,’ he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
‘Yiminy Cricket!’ exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. ‘Vere dit yew git dat monster??’
‘Vell,’ replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.’
‘You haff a Genie?’ Sven asked.
‘Ya, shure It’s right here in my tackle box,’ says Ole.
‘Could I see him?’
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, ‘Hey dere! I’m a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?’
‘Yes, I will,’ says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks… Flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, ‘Yumpin’ Yimminy,
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!’
Ole answers, ‘Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?”
Thursday, April 11, 2013
The Axis of Idiots
This retired USMC Sgt. Major has his Stuff together (old, but still true):
Jimmy Carter, you are the father of the Islamic Nazi movement. You threw the Shah under the bus, welcomed the Ayatollah home, and then lacked the spine to confront the terrorists when they took our embassy and our people hostage. You're the "runner-in-chief."
Bill Clinton, you played ring around the Lewinsky while the terrorists were at war with us. You got us into a fight with them in Somalia and then you ran from it. Your weak-willed responses to the USS Cole and the First Trade Center Bombing and Our Embassy Bombings emboldened the killers. Each time you failed to respond adequately, they grew bolder, until 9/11/2001.
John Kerry, dishonesty is your most prominent attribute. You lied about American Soldiers in Vietnam ... Your military service, like your life, is more fiction than fact. You've accused our military of terrorizing women and children in Iraq .. You called Iraq the wrong war, wrong place, wrong time, and the same words you used to describe Vietnam . You're a fake! You want to run from Iraq and abandon the Iraqis to murderers just as you did to the Vietnamese. Iraq, like Vietnam, is another war that you were for, before you were against it.
The late John Murtha, said our military was broken. He said we can't win militarily in Iraq .He accused United States Marines of cold-blooded murder without proof and said we should redeploy to Okinawa . Okinawa ??? And the Democrats called him their military expert! Maybe he suffered a traumatic brain injury while he was off building his war hero resume? He was a sad, pitiable, corrupt, and washed up old fool, not a true Marine. He wouldn't amount to a good pimple on a real Marine's ass, a phony and a disgrace.
Dick Durbin, you accused our Soldiers at Guantanamo of being Nazis, tenders of Soviet style gulags and as bad as the regime of Pol Pot, who murdered two million of his own people after your party abandoned Southeast Asia to the Communists. Then you wanted to abandon the Iraqis to the same fate. History was not a good teacher for you, was it? Lord help us! See Dick run!
Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Carl Levine, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Russ Feingold, Pat Leahy, Barack Obama, Chuck Schumer, the Hollywood Leftist morons, et al, to name a few ad nauseum: Every time you stand in front of television cameras and broadcast to the Islamic Nazis that we went to war because our former President lied, that the war is wrong and our Soldiers are torturers, that we should leave Iraq, you give the Islamic butchers - the same ones that tortured and mutilated American Soldiers - cause to think that we'll run away again, and all they have to do is hang on a little longer. It is inevitable that we, the infidels, will have to defeat the Islamic jihadists. Better to do it on their turf, than later on ours after they may gain both strength and momentum.
American news media, the New York Times particularly: Each time you publish stories about national defense secrets and our intelligence gathering methods, you become one united with the sub-human pieces of camel dung that torture and mutilate the bodies of American Soldiers. You can't strike up the courage to publish cartoons, but you can help Al Qaeda destroy my country. Actually, you are more dangerous to us than Al Qaeda is. Think about that each time you face Mecca to admire your Pulitzer.
You are America 's 'AXIS OF IDIOTS.' Your Collective Stupidity will destroy us.. Self-serving politics and terrorist-abetting news scoops are more important to you than our national security or the lives of innocent civilians and Soldiers. It bothers you that defending ourselves gets in the way of your elitist sport of politics and your ignorant editorializing. There is as much blood on your hands as is on the hands of murdering terrorists. Don't ever doubt that. Your frolics will only serve to extend this war as they extended Vietnam . If you want our Soldiers home as you claim, knock off the crap and try supporting your country ahead of supporting your silly political aims and aiding our enemies.
Yes, I'm questioning your patriotism. Your loyalty ends with self. I'm also questioning why you're stealing air that decent Americans could be breathing. You don't deserve the protection of our men and women in uniform. You need to run away from this war, this country. Leave the war to the people who have the will to see it through and the country to people who are willing to defend it.
Our country has two enemies: Those who want to destroy us from the outside and those who attempt it from within.
Semper Fi,
J. D. Pendry - Sergeant Major, USMC, Retired
Monday, April 08, 2013
A West Virginia Salesman in Florida
A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia.”
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One.” The boss says, “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you’re not in the mines anymore, son.”
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”
The kid looks up at his boss and says, “$101,237.65.”
The boss, astonished, says, “$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing..’”
Monday, April 01, 2013
Post Turtles
There is a lot of truth
here.....
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, most Politicians are a 'Post Turtle'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet.
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, most Politicians are a 'Post Turtle'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet.
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Chuckle of the Day
Your Chuckle For Today
The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.
The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room
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