When my time comes ...

When my time comes, I think this is what I want done:

======================================

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

Men are from Mars ...Women from Venus

WOMAN'S POEM...

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages me back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM...

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with nice boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap.

Understanding Engineers

This is an oldie, but I still like it, so enjoy:

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment, then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.

The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE EIGHT

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both"

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE NINE

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Where's the best place to live?

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take
to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

I live in San Diego - mainly because that's where my mother and grnadfather were born. And it is usually one of the coolest places in the USA during the summer and one of the warmest during the winter.

Purina

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. But that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I woke up in the hospital because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, that I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

But, we've always done it like this!

Does the statement, "We've always done it like that" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

And why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that was the gauge they used.

And why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.

And so who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. And those roads have been used ever since.

And what size were the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses!

And now, the twist to the story :

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

- And - you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

It is Mom's 87th Birthday Today - I Miss Her

It would have been my mother's 87th birthday today. I was feeling sentimental about this, so I looked for my memorial to her today in my archives, and found it (written in January 2002 after she passed on 4 January 2002), and thought I would share it with you:

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A Wonderful Life -- by Randy Seaver

I celebrate the life of my mother, Betty Virginia Carringer Seaver, today with a sense of thanksgiving for her life, and gratitude for the love and encouragement she gave me.

The gravestone up at Fort Rosecrans will read 1919 – dash – 2002, but her life was much more than a beginning and an end. Mikel briefly summarized her life in his opening remarks, and the other speakers have remembered her impact on them.

To summarize the "dash" – she was a child of the Roaring 20’s, a Depression-era teen, a War bride, a 50’s and 60’s mom, a 70’s grandmother, and an 80’s and 90’s survivor. Obviously, it is impossible to cover a life of 82 years in just a few minutes.

The roles that my mother played in her life are many and varied – and typical of many women of her generation and throughout our history:

Daughter, grand-daughter, niece, student, friend, sorority sister, artist, teacher, wife, lover, worker, mother, encourager, coach, citizen, patriot, aunt, neighbor, mentor, reader, mother-in-law, grandmother, great-grandmother.

As a mother, she provided the family roots needed for her children to grow into responsible adults. She also knew when to give us wings and let us “fly away” from the nest. She emphasized education, and doing well in school. She helped us with our homework, encouraged us to try and succeed in our lives. It was quite a task to manage a home with three active boys and a demanding husband, but she did it extremely well - with grace, good humor, and love.

I am a bit of a family historian. In the last ten years, I especially enjoyed taking her grocery shopping, and afterwards sitting on the patio, listening to her life experiences, looking at family pictures and papers. I was thrilled when she found new treasures in her bookcase or in the cedar chest. I cherish this special time that I spent with her.

The “dash” between the dates on the gravestone covers quite a bit, doesn’t it?

My memories will always be of a woman and mother so patient, kind, encouraging, giving, helping, fun-loving, courteous, gracious, wise, honest, independent, organized, intelligent, articulate, confident, private, spirited, positive, good.

She enjoyed being with her family, and was very proud of them. One of her legacies is her genes. Looking at the big picture - she contributed her goodness and love to humanity and was a necessary part in the march of the generations.

Another legacy is the memories we have of her, as her family and friends, and the example of a life well lived – one of love, dignity and goodness.

This is expressed beautifully in this excerpt from “How Green Was My Valley” by Richard Llewellyn, which I’ve slightly modified:

“I saw behind me those who had gone before,
and before me those who are to come,
I looked back and saw my father and mother,
and their fathers and mothers, and all our fathers and mothers.
And in front to see my sons, and their daughters,
and the sons and daughters beyond.

“And their eyes were my eyes,
As I felt, so they had felt, and would feel,
as then, so now, as tomorrow and forever.

“Then I was not afraid,
for I was in a long line that had no beginning and no end,
and the hand of his father grasped my father’s hand,
and my father’s hand was in mine,
and my children took my hand
and all up and down the line that stretched
from time that was to time that is, and is not yet,
all raised their hands to show the link,
and we found that we were one, born of Woman, Son of Man,
made in the image, fashioned in the Womb
by the Will of God, the Eternal Father.”

Her best qualities live on in her sons and their children – and they are ours to treasure and share through the years to come.

Thank you all for coming today and blessing us with your witness and your caring.

And Thank you, Lord God, for blessing us with this wonderful woman, my mother. May she rest in peace.

==========================

Amen. Mom is up on the green hill overlooking the Pacific Ocean on Point Loma at Fort Rosecrans Veterans cemetery with my dad, under a big tree alongside the road. We don't visit them often enough, I think.

What were they thinking?

All of these are legitmate companies dealing in regular products and services, but they didn't think their domain names through. Some of them are prime candidates for the "What was I thinking?" award....

ALL these websites actually exist, selling something totally benign (and work-safe, in case you're wondering).

1. A site called 'Who represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name...wait for it... is www.whorepresents.com.

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com.

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company - www.powergenitalia.com.

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com.

I got this from an email some time ago, I wonder if any of these links are still good? If not, they are still good for a laugh.

The new car accessory I need...

My friend just got his new Lexus RX400H and returned it to the dealer the next day complaining that he couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated -- "Watch this," he said, "Nelson." The Radio replied "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie" he said, and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

My friend drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time he would say "Beethoven" and he would get beautiful classical music, and if he said "Beatles" he would get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed his new car but he swerved in time to avoid them.

He yelled, "ASSHOLES!"

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on booze.

Damn, I would LOVE this car!

Great Moments in Physics

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought.

The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is A simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

100 Game Padres Report

Well, my Padres treaded water for another 10 game stretch - winning 5 and losing 5.

They have been streaky - since the All-Star break - lost 3, won 2, lost 4, won 3. If they were obeying Randy's Law of Winning Baseball (which is Don't Lose Two in a Row), then they would be way out front. Alas, it is hard to not lose two in a row.

So after 100 games, the Friars are 53 wins, 47 losses overall, 25-28 at home, 28-19 on the road (only Detroit is better). Their last 10 games stretches have been 6-4, 6-4, 5-5 and 5-5, or 22-18 over the last 40, compared to 31-29 over the first 60 games. Pretty consistent, rarely far from first place, and generally mediocre.

They are hitting 0.265 overall (middle of the league), with 100 home runs (middle of the league) and an ERA of 4.21 (up from 4.02 10 games ago).

Scores for this 10 game stretch:

5-10 Atlanta Peavy started, lost. Atlanta busted us badly.
8-6 Philly Williams started, Trevor saved
10-6 Philly Hensley started, won
4-5 Philly Thompson started, Trevor lost it
3-9 at SF Park started, lost, wasn't even close
2-8 at SF Peavy started, lost, wasn't close again
3-4 at SF Williams started, lost
6-5 (12) at SF Hensley started, Trevor saved
7-6 (11) at LA Young started, Trevor saved
7-3 at LA Park started, won.

In this 10 game stretch, the Pads scored 56 runs, but gave up 62. The starting and relief pitching faltered until the last game, but the hitting and power picked up.

On the roster front, the Padres dumped Vinny Castilla, then immediately missed his 3rd base defense in SF. Bellhorn and blum are sharing 3B, but not hitting much. The Pads released reliever Brian Sikorski and sent Scott Cassidy and Brian Sweeney down to AAA, but added Doug Brocial from the DL and traded two scrubs to the Cubs for Scott Williamson. Termel sledge came up from Portland to spell Giles a bit, and won a game with a homer, but made a bad error in LA. Will the Pads trade for a 3B man? The rumor is we want Andy Marte of Cleveland, but they might want too much. The other rumor is the injured Morgan Ensberg from Houston, but they want reliever Linebrink.

Fortunately, while the Pads treaded water, the Dodgers lost 12 of 13, Arizona and SF went on streaks to challenge for first, and Colorado treaded water too. I think that this division can be won with 87 wins, which means the Pads need to have a few more winning streaks than losing streaks.

90 Game Padres Report

After 90 games (72 remaining), my Padres lead the National League West by 2-1/2 games with a 48 wins, 42 loss record. That's the good news.

The bad news is that just when the hitting started to come around, the pitching went bad and Petco Park became a homer haven - and we have fly ball pitchers.

In the last 10 games, the Pads lost 3 in a row, won 5 in a row, and lost the last 2, ending with a 5 win, 5 loss record. The Pads scored 52 runs in these 10 games, but gave up 62. The record is 23 wins, 26 losses at home, 25 wins, 16 losses on the road. The team is 11th in HR and batting average in the National League, which are improvements over just 10 games ago. The team ERA is 4.02, second in the league to the Mets, but up a bit from 10 games ago (was 3.89).

The scores for Games 81 to 90:

1-4 (10 innings), SF here, Williams started
2-6, SF here, Young started
5-6, at Phi, Hensley started
6-3, at Phi, Peavy started, Trevor saved
5-3, at Phi, Park started, Trevor saved
3-2, at Wash, Williams started, Trevor saved
5-2, at Wash, Young started, Trevor saved
10-9, at Wash, Hensley started, came back from 7-1 deficit
12-15 (11 innings), Atl here, Young started
3-11, Atl here, Park started (worst game of the year?)

Trevor saved 4 games in 4 days on the road trip, then blew the All-Star game save and the save in the first loss to Atlanta.

Overall grades for the 90 games:

Starting Pitching -- B (will it right itself?)
Relief Pitching -- B (faded recently)
Infield Defense -- B+ (pretty steady)
Outfield Defense -- A- (real steady)
Catching -- C (decent but can't throw runners out)
Base Running -- C+ (not much speed)
Hitting for Average -- C (improving weekly)
Hitting for Power -- C- (improving weekly)
Coaching -- B (addition of Rettenmund seems to have helped hitters)

Doug Brocail came off the DL this past week, and Scott Cassidy was sent to Portland. It appears to me that Brian Sikorski will be sent out when Alan Embree comes off the DL. My guess is that Ben Johnson will go down to Portland when he comes off the DL. Who knows what will happen when Ryan Klesko comes off the DL in August? I can't see anyone wanting him for any reason until he demonstrates he can hit for power. He can't play anywhere in the field. A pretty expensive pinch hitter. Who would we trade or cut or demote to bring him back on the roster?

Will the Pads trade for a third baseman with pop? Maybe. Morgan Ensberg, Joe Randa, and several others are available, but at what cost? Everybody seems to want relief pitching, but I say don't trade Hoffman, Linebrink, Adkins, Meredith or Sweeney out of the bullpen. It is one of our strengths.

For daily Padres reports with lots of good insight, go visit http://ductsnorts.com for a daily dose of Padres madness.

Vodka

Who knew!!!! I didn't know that:

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The alcohol dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a
trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after having. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

Silly me. I've only been drinking the stuff!!!

PS. Thanks to Ginny for passing this on.

Lauren was here

Tami and Lauren visited this weekend. We had a fun time doting on our 17 month old little princess. Here are some pictures:

She likes to sit in Grandpa's big chair and have a drink and a snack.



And she loves to figure out Grandma's Sudoku puzzles:



Lauren likes to play out in front of the house. She visits the frog, the butterfly and the angel windmill..



We went to the San Diego zoo on Friday night. Lauren enjoyed the Children's Zoo, the Skyfari Ride, the Polar Bears, the Hippos, the Panda Bears and the hamburger/fries dinner.



Why don't I have any pictures of Lauren with anybody else? Well, she moves awfully fast these days, and won't sit still very long. She is so much fun!

We're Number 8!

The Major League Baseball rankings at ESPN are out, and MY Padres are now #8 (as of last Friday, record 45-40).

After sweeping the Gnats over the weekend, My Pads are 48 and 40, the high water mark of the year. They should be ranked a bit higher next week - perhaps as high as 6 or 7.

Go Padres!

Who, Me, Worry??

This came across my email in-box today - I think every parent (and grandparent) can identify with it (author unknown at present, but very wise!):

WORRY

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life," and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my son's head. I asked, "When do you stop worrying?" The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident stage." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.

My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was
haunted by my mother's warm smile and her occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?"

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered. "I was worried." I smiled a warm smile.

The torch has been passed.

Here's Logan (4 months)

Logan is our third grandchild, and is a real sweet-natured baby. He's obviously getting enough to eat. He smiles, blows bubbles, giggles and googles like all 4 month olds. We enjoyed seeing him again (see the summary three posts down).





Lori is an expert at changing diapers now.



Grandpa loves talking to Logan - we both smile a lot.



Grandma and Logan have a fun time together.

Lucas and Logan

Lucas is 33 months old and is a real fun child - full of energy, a little mischievous, and he loves to read with Grandma and play outside or on the computer with Grandpa.

Logan is only 4 months old, but has started to react to faces and he smiles and googles and bubbles on command.

Here is Lucas in a busy moment.



Grandma managed to catch them both sitting still for a second.



Lucas and Logan sitting briefly in a chair. Logan wonders why the bright lights are always flashing.



Lucas can't keep his hands off little Logan - we have to watch him carefully.

Lauren pictures

Lauren is 16 months old, and a real cutie. She will sit still for several seconds.



Lauren loves to sit with Grandma and play.



Lauren and Grandma have a secret.



Linda had a hard time getting both Lucas and Lauren to sit still for even a second.

The Zoo and Train trip

We had a great time at the San Diego Zoo last weekend.



Here's Linda and Lauren talking.



And the crew on the miniature train in Balboa Park.