Do I Have Identity Issues?

It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.

The following is a recap of my current identity:

I was born white, which makes me a racist.

 
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist. 

I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe. 

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. 

I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel.

I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old person. 

I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary. 

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social. 

I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at completion, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever. 

I believe in the defense and protection of America by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!

Newest problem...I'm not sure which bathroom I should use...