Some of these puns are funny...

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40."

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. 

It's shift work.

Wife says to her husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

What's ET short for? He's only got little legs.

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.