How to be a Good Liberal

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

You need to believe:

2. ... that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. ... that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iranians, Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. .. that there was no art before federal funding.

5. ... that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the Earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. ... that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. ... that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. ... that the same teacher who can't teach fourth graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. ... that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. ... that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. ... that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.

12. ... the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. ... that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. ... that Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem are more Important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Edison, and A.G. Bell.

15. ... that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. ... that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. ... that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. ... that conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. ... that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. ... that illegal Democrat Party funding by the Chinese government is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

21. ... that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

22. ... that it's okay to give federal workers the day off on Christmas Day .......... but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."