Saturday, August 04, 2018

Two Americas in 2018

Best comic of the week:


Heh.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

The Cynical Philosopher Thinks About These Things

From THE CYNICAL PHILOSOPHER

 I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?  
 I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
 When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
 Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.
 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 

 
 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.    
 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I  saw it through my telescope last night.
 Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
 You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
 I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?” 
 I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named,  "Sag Harbor."
 My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
 My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
 The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. 
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. 
 
A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass,Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.   
 

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

You Know When You're From San Diego If:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SAN DIEGO IF...
1. You can correctly pronounce Tierrasanta, La Jolla, Rancho Penesquitos, San Ysidro, Otay Mesa, Jamul, and El Cajon, and know where they are.
2. There are four distinct seasons: Summer, Not Quite Summer, Almost Summer, and oh, Hey look its summer again.
3. Your house is worth more than some small countries.
4. You know what MB, OB, and PB stand for.
5. Every street name is either in Spanish or Spanish related, and you're surprised when other areas don't have this.

6. You see weather forecasts for four different climate zones in the same county and aren't remotely surprised.
7. You remember going to "The Cross" on Mt. Helix for Easter services. 60 degrees is COLD!
8. You've tailgated at Qualcomm Stadium, and for bonus points, also tailgated when it was Jack Murphy Stadium.
9. You know that "charge!" doesn't refer to a credit card.
10. You remember going downtown via Federal Blvd. before Hwy 94 was built.

11. You remember when Hwy 94 was 2 lanes in each direction.
12. You still call it the Del Mar Fair.
13. You say "I'm going to the track" and people know what you're talking about.
14. You remember when Lemon Grove, La Mesa, and Spring Valley were "in the sticks."
15. You understand what May-gray and June-gloom means.

16. There's a North County, South County, and an East County but no Central County.
17. You know what "the merge" is and will plan your entire day around not being on it during rush hour.
18. You know the difference between Clairemont Mesa, Kearny Mesa, and Mira Mesa.
19. You've gone to Sea World on a warm day and sat in the first few rows at the Shamu Show to get cooled off.
20. You've been delayed at the Border Checkpoints on the 5, the 8 and the 15.
(*Bonus* You say "the" before freeway names)

21. Your house doesn't have or need air conditioning unless you live in the East County.
22. No matter what the weather is, there is always someone walking around in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops.
23. You've been to the desert, the mountains, and the beach all in one day.
24. You know that Ramona, Santee and Lakeside are where the "cowboys" live.
25. You hate tourists and their bad driving. (But you don't know how to drive in the rain.)

26. You've gone to the Zoo just to hang out.
27. You have family or friends that have moved to Texas, Arizona, Nevada, Utah or Colorado.
28. You know what the "Santa Anas" are and that they have nothing to do with the city of Santa Ana.
29. You know what "real Mexican food" tastes like.
30. You remember when "Mission Valley" was cow pastures (Oh . . to have bought land then!)

31. You remember when Lemon Grove had "the cows."
32. You know that you have to leave at the crack of dawn to find parking at the beach, or risk parking in front of someone's million dollar bungalow and waking a mile or more.
33. You still call it "The Wild Animal Park"
34. You've watched fireworks over the bay while enjoying a bonfire.
35. You dated, are related, or are married to a Marine or Navy guy/gal.

36. You avoid the Gaslamp Quarter during ComicCon.
37. Fish tacos are a weekly requirement.
38. If you've moved away, and you miss it everyday.
Have a beautiful, sunny San Diego Day!

Saturday, January 06, 2018

The Receptionist

From my email, thank you Helen:

The Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.  I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.The waiting room was full.

The receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said:

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE.  YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted with applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD GUYS!

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Tax Cut


Heh heh.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

A Cowboy Named Bud...

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd  in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana  when  suddenly a brand-new 2016 7 Series BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The  driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and  YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly  how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
 
 Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a  yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure,  why not?"  
 
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his  Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA  page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on  his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area  in an ultra-high-resolution photo.  
 
The young man then opens the digital photo  in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,  Germany      ...  
 
Within seconds, he receives an email on his  Apple iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then  accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with  email on his Galaxy S5 and, after a few minutes, receives a  response.   

Finally, he prints out a full-color,  150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the  cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."  
 
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take  one of my calves," says Bud.  

 
He watches the young man select one of the  animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk  of his car.  

 
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"  

 
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"  

 
"You're a Congressman for the  U.S. Government", says Bud.  

 
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"  

 
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know crap about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  
This is a herd of sheep.”   

“Now give me back my dog.”   

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Obama's Economy in 9 Graphs


Obama's years are after the most rightward gray vertical line - the 2007-2008 recession.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Thursday, November 23, 2017

The Old Man and a Bucket of Shrimp

...A True Story

Old Man and a Bucket of Shrimp:

This is a wonderful story and it is true. You will be glad that you read it, and I hope you will pass it on. It happened every Friday evening, almost without fail, when the sun resembled a giant orange and was starting to dip into the blue ocean.

Old Ed came strolling along the beach to his favorite pier.

Clutched in his bony hand was a bucket of shrimp. Ed walks out to the end of the pier, where it seems he almost has the world to himself. The glow of the sun is a golden bronze now. Everybody's gone, except for a few joggers on the beach. Standing out on the end of the pier, Ed is alone with his thoughts...and his bucket of shrimp.

Before long, however, he is no longer alone. Up in the sky a thousand white dots come screeching and squawking, winging their way toward that lanky frame standing there on the end of the pier.

Before long, dozens of seagulls have enveloped him, their wings fluttering and flapping wildly. Ed stands there tossing shrimp to the hungry birds. As he does, if you listen closely, you can hear him say with a smile, 'Thank you. Thank you.'

In a few short minutes the bucket is empty. But Ed doesn't leave. He stands there lost in thought, as though transported to another time and place.

When he finally turns around and begins to walk back toward the beach, a few of the birds hop along the pier with him until he gets to the stairs, and then they, too, fly away. And old Ed quietly makes his way down to the end of the beach and on home.

If you were sitting there on the pier with your fishing line in the water, Ed might seem like  'a funny old duck,' as my dad used to say. Or, to onlookers, he's just another old codger, lost in his own weird world, feeding the seagulls with a bucket full of shrimp.

To the onlooker, rituals can look either very strange or very empty. They can seem altogether unimportant ....maybe even a lot of nonsense.   Old folks often do strange things, at least in the eyes of Boomers and Millenniums.   Most of them would probably write Old Ed off, down there in Florida ... That's too bad. They'd do well to know him better.

His full name:  Eddie Rickenbacker. He was a famous hero in World War I, and then he was  in WWII. On one of his flying missions across the Pacific, he and his seven-member crew went down. Miraculously, all of the men survived, crawled out of their plane, and climbed into a life raft.
Captain Rickenbacker and his crew floated for days on the rough waters of the Pacific. They fought the sun. They fought sharks. Most of all, they fought hunger and thirst. By the eighth day their rations ran out. No food. No water. They were hundreds of miles from land and no one knew where they were or even if they were alive.  Every day across America millions wondered and prayed that Eddie Rickenbacker might somehow be found alive. The men adrift needed a miracle. That afternoon they had a simple devotional service and prayed for a miracle.  They tried to nap. Eddie leaned back and pulled his military cap over his nose. Time dragged on. All he could hear was the slap of the waves against the raft...suddenly Eddie felt something land on the top of his cap. It was a seagull !

Old Ed would later describe how he sat perfectly still, planning his next move. With a flash of his hand and a squawk from the gull, he managed to grab it and wring its neck. He tore the feathers off, and he and his starving crew made a meal of it - a very slight meal for eight men. Then they used the intestines for bait. With it, they caught fish, which gave them food and more bait....and the cycle continued. With that simple survival  technique, they were able to endure the rigors of the sea until they were  found and rescued after 24 days at sea.

Eddie Rickenbacker lived many years beyond that ordeal, but he never forgot the sacrifice of that first life-saving seagull... And he never stopped saying, 'Thank you.' That's why almost every Friday night he would walk to the end of the pier with a bucket full of shrimp and a heart full of gratitude.
Reference: (Max Lucado, "In The Eye of the Storm", pp...221, 225-226)

PS: Eddie Rickenbacker was the founder of Eastern Airlines. Before WWI he was a race car driver. In WWI he was a pilot and became America's first ace.

In WWII he was an instructor and military adviser, and he flew missions with the combat pilots. Eddie Rickenbacker is a true American hero. And now you know another story about the trials and sacrifices that brave men have endured for your freedom.

As you can see, I chose to pass it on. It is a great story that many don't know...You've got to be careful with old guys, you just never know what they have done during their lifetime.

Saturday, November 04, 2017

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Friday, September 08, 2017

A Redneck Love Poem

This may have won a poetry contest in West Virginia in 1912... thanks, Bob!


Thursday, August 03, 2017

Priceless -- Civilization in 2017

From my email stack!
  • Our Phones – Wireless
  • Cooking – Fireless
  • Cars – Keyless
  • Food – Fatless
  • Tires -Tubeless
  • Dress – Sleeveless
  • Youth – Jobless
  • Leaders – Shameless
  • Relationships – Meaningless
  • Attitudes – Careless
  • Babies – Fatherless
  • Feelings – Heartless
  • Education – Valueless
  • Children – Mannerless

We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I’m scared – Sh!tless!

Monday, July 31, 2017

Cna Yuo R3ad Th1s?

From my email - thanks, Helen.

=============================================

 Here's another trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills...

Can you meet these 2 challenges?

1)  We've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time we've seen it with numbers.  Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.  And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

7H15                    M3554G3

53RV35          7O      PR0V3

H0W         0UR      M1ND5      C4N

D0         4M4Z1NG       7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3            7H1NG5!

1N        7H3       B3G1NN1NG

17        WA5      H4RD      BU7

N0W,       0N    7H15       LIN3

Y0UR         M1ND      1S

R34D1NG 17         4U70M471C4LLY

W17H0U7            3V3N

7H1NK1NG      4B0U7     17,

B3      PROUD!        0NLY

C3R741N          P30PL3     C4N

R3AD           7H15!

PL3453         F0RW4RD     1F

U      C4N      R34D      7H15.


2)  To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends with 'yes' in the subject line.Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too. Can you raed this? Olny 55 people out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.  The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the
olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit
pclae.  The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a
pboerlm.  This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the word as a wlohe.  Azanmig huh?  Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!  If you can raed this forwrad it.


Hmmm, that looks like some of my blog posts.

Friday, July 07, 2017

Friday, June 23, 2017

Eating in the 1950s

EATING IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.

Curry was a surname.

Taco? Never saw one till I was 15.

Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All chips were plain.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking .

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.

None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible!

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal and stewed.

Surprisingly Muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks or were round with a hole in the middle, in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.

There were three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties ... elbows, hats and cell phones!

.........and there were always two choices for each meal..."Take it" or "Leave it"

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

How to Start a Fight

From my email - thanks, Helen:



HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________ __

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
______________________________ __

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________ _

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.....
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
______________________________ __

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.  


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

When we Weren't Politically Correct

From my email - thanks, Helen!

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER 


Hollywood Squares:
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
 

Q.. 
Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? 

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
 

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
 

Q
. Do female frogs croak? 

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
 water long enough. 

Q. 
If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be 

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 

Q.
 True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... 

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 

Q.
 You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 

Q. 
According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? 

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 

Q.
 Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? 

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
 

Q.
 In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? 

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
 

Q.
 What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? 

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 

Q.
 As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? 

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 

Q.
 Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 

Q..
 Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 

Q.
 In bowling, what's a perfect score? 

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 

Q. 
It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other? 

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
 

Q.
 During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 

Q.
 Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? 

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 

Q.
 When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? 

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 

Q.
 If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
 

Q.
 According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 

Q.
 It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? 

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
 

Q. 
Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? 

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 

Q.
 Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 

Q. 
When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? 

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
 

Q.
 Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? 

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 

Q.
 According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? 

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
 
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING