Thursday, September 10, 2015

As We Age, I Realize That ...


1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.  

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud. 

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.”  

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.  

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!  

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.  

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.  

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".  

12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

More Murphy's Laws

From my email...

 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
  7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Lunch With Jim

The story's not mine but the thoughts are apt. 

One day I had lunch with some old friends. Jim, a short, balding golfer type, about 85 years old, came along with them; all in all, it was a pleasant bunch.   

When the menus were presented, my friends and I ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, "A large piece of home-made apple pie, heated please."   

I wasn't sure my ears heard him right, and the others were aghast, when Jim continued, completely unabashed.... "along with two large scoops of vanilla ice cream."   

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time, but when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy eating mine.    I couldn't take my eyes off of Jim as I watched him savoring each bite of his pie a-la-mode. The other guys just grinned in disbelief as they silently ate their lunches.   

The next time I went out to eat, I called Jim and invited him to join me. I lunched on a white meat tuna sandwich, while he ordered a chocolate parfait. Since I was chuckling, he wanted to know if he amused me.   

I answered, "Yes, you certainly do, but you also confuse me. How come you always order such rich desserts, while I feel like I must be sensible in my food choices?"    

He laughed and said "I'm tasting all that is possible for me to taste. I try to eat the food I need and do the things I should in order to stay healthy, but life's too short, my friend. I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (He grinned) I've never been this old before, so, while I'm still here, I've decided it's time to try all those things that, for years, I've been ignoring."   

He continued, "I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven't fished. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.   

"There are too many golf courses I haven't played. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.  

 "I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.   

"I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed long distance calls to the one I love the most.   

"I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again.   

 "So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because   I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final piece of pie before my life expired."   

With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what he's having, only add some more whipped cream!"   

This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much, & laugh often - Be happy and enjoy doing whatever your heart desires.   

 Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we like, respect, and enjoy spending time with. Remember that while money talks, ICE CREAM SINGS! 

Sunday, August 16, 2015

How Our Society Became So Stupid

Watch Bill Whittle's video about the moon landing, education and more...


Thursday, July 23, 2015


From my firend Helen:

                            Conundrum to think about

Free people are not equal. Equal people are not free.

"A gun is like a parachute. If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.

Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:  

1.  America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.  

2.  Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.  

3.  They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.  

4.  Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.  

5.  The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.  

6.  They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.  

Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.   Makes you wonder who is doing the math.  

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

President Obama's Accomplishments

Thanks, Bob, for passing this to me:

Quit Bashing Obama!   
by COL. ROBERT F. CUNNINGHAM and PATRICK RISHOR,  The Gilmer Mirror (Northeast Texas Newspaper)
    Quit trashing Obama's accomplishments. He has done more than any other President before him. Here is a list of his impressive accomplishments:

1.   First President to be photographed smoking a joint.
2.   First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.
3.   First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.
4.   First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.
5.   First President to violate the War Powers Act.

6.   First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.
7.   First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.
8.   First President to spend a trillion dollars on "shovel-ready" jobs when there was no such thing as "shovel-ready" jobs.
9.   First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.
10.   First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.

11.   First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.
12.   First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.
13.   First President to tell a CEO of a major corporation (Chrysler) to resign.
14.   First President to terminate America’s ability to put a man in space.
15.   First President to cancel the National Day of Prayer and to say that America is no longer a Christian nation.

16.   First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.
17.   First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.
18.   First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke out on the reasons for their rate increases.
19.   First President to tell a major manufacturing company in which state it is allowed to locate a factory.
20.   First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).

21.   First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.
22.   First President to actively try to bankrupt an American industry (coal).
23.   First President to fire an inspector general of AmeriCorps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.
24.   First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.
25.   First President to surround himself with radical left wing anarchists.

26.   First President to golf more than 150 separate times in his five years in office.
27.   First President to hide his birth, medical, educational and travel records.
28.   First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.
29.   First President to go on multiple "global apology tours" and concurrent "insult our friends" tours.
30.   First President to go on over 17 lavish vacations, in addition to date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends paid for by the taxpayers.

31.   First President to have personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.
32.   First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.
33.   First President to fly in a personal trainer from Chicago at least once a week at taxpayer expense.
34.   First President to repeat the Quran and tell us the early morning call of the Azan (Islamic call to worship) is the most beautiful sound on earth.
35.   First President to side with a foreign nation over one of the American 50 states (Mexico vs Arizona).

36.   First President to tell the military men and women that they should pay for their own private insurance because they "volunteered to go to war and knew the consequences."
37.   Then he was the First President to tell the members of the military that THEY were UNPATRIOTIC for balking at the last suggestion.
    I feel much better now.
I had been under the impression he hadn't been doing ANYTHING.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Somebody got it wrong?

At least it's not blasphemous!

Maybe it will get 72 merlots?

Monday, June 15, 2015

The New $10 Dollar Bill

It's a perfect choice...

Thursday, May 28, 2015


From my cousin...

PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected - frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Monday, May 11, 2015

Colombo Nails It!

  I think we all understand the problem, How do we fix the system is the BIG question.
Police Retraining

Der                                                          Unterschied:                                                          Columbo                                                          ?berf?hrt                                                          M?rder. Und                                                          ich ?berf?hre                                                          me

Now let me see if I have this right. 

There's no guidance or discipline in the home.  The family situation is so unstable, 'Junior' doesn't even know where or to whom to send a Father's Day card. 

Junior gets dumped into the education system where he is socially promoted because the overwhelmed school district can't deal with the undisciplined whelp. 

Junior's major formative influences are 'gangsta' rap videos and a corresponding peer group of gangsta wannabes.

At age 18, Junior is turned loose on society carrying a bad attitude, a broken compass and little respect for authority. 

Junior gets himself in big trouble with the law and meets dire consequences.  

Then, the situation diagnosis is that the police need more training and understanding?

Pardon me for asking, but do you really believe this bullshit?

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Friday, March 13, 2015

Pi Day is March 14th

Once In A Lifetime Math Moment On Saturday’s Pi Day, ‘3/14/15 At 9:26 a.m and 53 seconds.’

(CBS SF) — March 14th has been known as Pi Day ever since fans of the mathematical constant representing the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter  realized the fun that could be had with the date, but in 2015, Pi Day really is significant as the mathematical moment of Pi–3.141592653–will only come around once in a lifetime, on March 14th, 2015 at 9:26 a.m. and 53 seconds.

    A moment like this won’t be back for another hundred years, March 14th, 2115.

How will you celebrate Pi Day? By eating pie, of course! Or try one of these Pi/Pie ideas:


Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Canadian Version of David Letterman's Top 10 List

Just makes you want to shake your head in disbelief, and, just maybe choke someone in charge. This is Canada's Top Ten List of America's Stupidity.  Of course we look like idiots - we are!  

# 10  Only in America... could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate Obama campaign fund-raising event. 

# 09 Only in America... could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black, 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans - 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics!,

# 08 Only in America... could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes. 

# 07 Only in America... can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash. 

# 06 Only in America... would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American citizens. (probably should be number one) 

# 05 Only in America... could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be called EXTREMISTS. 

# 04 Only in America... could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote. 

# 03 Only in America... could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike). 

# 02 Only in America... could you collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7 Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money. 

# 01 Only in America... could the rich people - who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all. 

Official White House Terrorist Identification Chart

Michael Ramirez is just excellent...every day (see