How do you put a Giraffe in the refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
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~ The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of theProfessionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Things you must believe to be a Democrat
From a FreeRepublic thread...
• That a religious fanatic who screams that his god is greater than yours and proceeds to shoot 40 unarmed soldiers is not a terrorist, but that your granny, who went to a town hall meeting to protest Medicare cuts, is.
• That it is OK to force taxpayers to pay for your teenage daughter’s abortion, but it’s not OK to pay people to teach her that she shouldn’t have sex in the first place.
• That a God who taught His followers to tell everyone about Him but to walk away from those who will not listen is hateful and bigoted, but a god who teaches his followers to convert by force and to kill everyone who doesn’t believe in him is peaceful.
• That we will all die soon from global warming if we don’t stop carbon dioxide emissions, even though there is no scientific evidence that carbon dioxide hurts anything (and, in fact, the earth is cooling rather than warming).
• That it is somehow noble to trash the economy of the United States in the name of stopping a climate change that is not happening, but it would be wrong to ask China and India to do the same.
• That the freely available scientific evidence that shows that the earth warms and cools in cycles according to the energy output of the sun (and that the same phenomenon is observed on the other planets in our solar system) must be ignored – instead we must ruin the economy of the most prosperous nation on earth to reduce carbon dioxide emissions.
• That it’s OK to pay Middle Eastern and South American countries that hate us for their oil, but it’s not OK to drill for our own oil (of which we have the biggest reserves in the world).
• That any word spoken against a black president or his supporters is racist and evil, but the many hateful things spoken against the previous white president were only “speaking truth to power”.
• That a Republican governor who cheated on his wife is unfit for office, but a Democrat president that cheated on his wife could not be removed from office and is now considered a hero.
• That any white person who is not a Democrat and who says anything that can be construed as racially or culturally insensitive must be removed from any public position (or even fired from a non-public position) as a result, but any white Democrat that does the same must be given a pass.
• That any white, Christian and/or heterosexual person who is not a Democrat and who says anything that can be construed as racially or culturally insensitive must be removed from any public position (or even fired from a non-public position) as a result, but that any racial, sexual or religious minority can say anything about anyone in the majority and not be punished.
• That “Hispanic” is a race.
• That to present both sides of an issue for discussion is somehow “not journalism”, while only allowing the Democrat point of view to be presented is fair and balanced.
• That it is evil for insurance companies to make a profit from our health care, but any organization that interferes with the profits of the company that kills all the babies must be sued.
• That insurance companies must be forced to pay for your boob job or sex change operation, but they better not raise your rates as a result.
• That insurance companies are somehow responsible for health care costs being so high, and that substituting the government for the insurance companies will fix it.
• That forcing banks to loan money to people who cannot or will not repay it is somehow good for the economy, and that the banks that made the loans are wholly responsible for the predictable result.
• That a tax cheat is the perfect guy to be in charge of the Senate committee that writes tax law.
• That Muslims must be allowed to follow the tenets of their religion, including the right to kill people as their law allows, but that Christians who follow their religion are hateful and bigoted.
• That a black person who does not support affirmative action is not really black, despite the existence of Clarence Thomas.
• That a woman who does not support abortion is not really female, despite the existence of Sarah Palin.
• That a homosexual who escapes the homosexual lifestyle was never really homosexual in the first place, even though it’s supposedly a genetic thing.
• It’s a terrible evil that Dick Cheney got rich by running a corporation. Al Gore, however, is a saint.
• Public schools are terrible because we don’t pay teachers enough money, even though the places with the best paid teachers have the worst schools.
• That Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans, even though the flooding happened well after the storm had passed.
• That the Republican president at the time was totally responsible for the damage to New Orleans from Katrina, even though the damage occurred because the Democrat controlled state and local governments did not repair and properly maintain the levee that failed, then failed to plan and prepare for the storm while refusing federal help, then curled into the fetal position and refused to take any action during and after the storm, which hindered federal efforts to send help.
• That an organization that is willing and happy to help a pimp set up a whorehouse using underage illegal alien whores is worthy of funding by the federal government, but an organization that tries to talk pregnant girls out of abortions should be cut off from all federal funding.
• That non-citizens who are in this country illegally should be given free health care, paid for by the folks whose jobs they are taking.
• That killing a puppy or a kitten is a crime worthy of jail, but killing a baby is to be celebrated.
• That sworn enemies of this nation must not be killed or even made uncomfortable, but our elderly citizens and those that are in comas must be killed so that the rest of us are not made uncomfortable.
• That it is wrong to wiretap a terrorist’s phone, but it’s OK to publish information that allows the terrorists to avoid capture.
• That a religious fanatic who screams that his god is greater than yours and proceeds to shoot 40 unarmed soldiers is not a terrorist, but that your granny, who went to a town hall meeting to protest Medicare cuts, is.
• That it is OK to force taxpayers to pay for your teenage daughter’s abortion, but it’s not OK to pay people to teach her that she shouldn’t have sex in the first place.
• That a God who taught His followers to tell everyone about Him but to walk away from those who will not listen is hateful and bigoted, but a god who teaches his followers to convert by force and to kill everyone who doesn’t believe in him is peaceful.
• That we will all die soon from global warming if we don’t stop carbon dioxide emissions, even though there is no scientific evidence that carbon dioxide hurts anything (and, in fact, the earth is cooling rather than warming).
• That it is somehow noble to trash the economy of the United States in the name of stopping a climate change that is not happening, but it would be wrong to ask China and India to do the same.
• That the freely available scientific evidence that shows that the earth warms and cools in cycles according to the energy output of the sun (and that the same phenomenon is observed on the other planets in our solar system) must be ignored – instead we must ruin the economy of the most prosperous nation on earth to reduce carbon dioxide emissions.
• That it’s OK to pay Middle Eastern and South American countries that hate us for their oil, but it’s not OK to drill for our own oil (of which we have the biggest reserves in the world).
• That any word spoken against a black president or his supporters is racist and evil, but the many hateful things spoken against the previous white president were only “speaking truth to power”.
• That a Republican governor who cheated on his wife is unfit for office, but a Democrat president that cheated on his wife could not be removed from office and is now considered a hero.
• That any white person who is not a Democrat and who says anything that can be construed as racially or culturally insensitive must be removed from any public position (or even fired from a non-public position) as a result, but any white Democrat that does the same must be given a pass.
• That any white, Christian and/or heterosexual person who is not a Democrat and who says anything that can be construed as racially or culturally insensitive must be removed from any public position (or even fired from a non-public position) as a result, but that any racial, sexual or religious minority can say anything about anyone in the majority and not be punished.
• That “Hispanic” is a race.
• That to present both sides of an issue for discussion is somehow “not journalism”, while only allowing the Democrat point of view to be presented is fair and balanced.
• That it is evil for insurance companies to make a profit from our health care, but any organization that interferes with the profits of the company that kills all the babies must be sued.
• That insurance companies must be forced to pay for your boob job or sex change operation, but they better not raise your rates as a result.
• That insurance companies are somehow responsible for health care costs being so high, and that substituting the government for the insurance companies will fix it.
• That forcing banks to loan money to people who cannot or will not repay it is somehow good for the economy, and that the banks that made the loans are wholly responsible for the predictable result.
• That a tax cheat is the perfect guy to be in charge of the Senate committee that writes tax law.
• That Muslims must be allowed to follow the tenets of their religion, including the right to kill people as their law allows, but that Christians who follow their religion are hateful and bigoted.
• That a black person who does not support affirmative action is not really black, despite the existence of Clarence Thomas.
• That a woman who does not support abortion is not really female, despite the existence of Sarah Palin.
• That a homosexual who escapes the homosexual lifestyle was never really homosexual in the first place, even though it’s supposedly a genetic thing.
• It’s a terrible evil that Dick Cheney got rich by running a corporation. Al Gore, however, is a saint.
• Public schools are terrible because we don’t pay teachers enough money, even though the places with the best paid teachers have the worst schools.
• That Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans, even though the flooding happened well after the storm had passed.
• That the Republican president at the time was totally responsible for the damage to New Orleans from Katrina, even though the damage occurred because the Democrat controlled state and local governments did not repair and properly maintain the levee that failed, then failed to plan and prepare for the storm while refusing federal help, then curled into the fetal position and refused to take any action during and after the storm, which hindered federal efforts to send help.
• That an organization that is willing and happy to help a pimp set up a whorehouse using underage illegal alien whores is worthy of funding by the federal government, but an organization that tries to talk pregnant girls out of abortions should be cut off from all federal funding.
• That non-citizens who are in this country illegally should be given free health care, paid for by the folks whose jobs they are taking.
• That killing a puppy or a kitten is a crime worthy of jail, but killing a baby is to be celebrated.
• That sworn enemies of this nation must not be killed or even made uncomfortable, but our elderly citizens and those that are in comas must be killed so that the rest of us are not made uncomfortable.
• That it is wrong to wiretap a terrorist’s phone, but it’s OK to publish information that allows the terrorists to avoid capture.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Florida court sets Atheist Holy Day
From my email,
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
Ramblings of a Retired Mind
From my email...
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.You know,
I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.You know,
I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
300,000,001
As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in email, but this one is important.
It has been circulating for months and have been sent to over 300 million people. We don't want to lose any names on the list. Please keep it going.
To show your support for Obama's health care reform,please go to the end of the list and add your name.
1. Nancy Pelosi
2.
It has been circulating for months and have been sent to over 300 million people. We don't want to lose any names on the list. Please keep it going.
To show your support for Obama's health care reform,please go to the end of the list and add your name.
1. Nancy Pelosi
2.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Revised Pelosi Health Care Plan Chart
Here's the flow chart for the revised House of Representatives Health Care bill of 6 November 2009.
Read more analysis at http://republicanleader.house.gov/blog/?p=670.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
The Red Dot
From my email...
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice for our computer problems!
I'm glad that is cleared up! It's always nice to learn about the traditions of other cultures. Ah, multi-culturalism!
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice for our computer problems!
I'm glad that is cleared up! It's always nice to learn about the traditions of other cultures. Ah, multi-culturalism!
Your Congress Critters in Action
House Minority Leader Lawrence F. Cafero Jr., R-Norwalk, pictured standing, far right, speaks while colleagues Rep. Barbara Lambert, D-Milford and Rep. Jack F. Hennessy, D-Bridgeport, play Solitaire Monday night as the House convened to vote on a new budget.
The guy sitting in the row in front of these two... he's on Facebook, and the guy behind Hennessy is checking out the baseball scores.
These assholes, elected by you and me, earn $174,000 yearly....and this is what they do for it!!!
My comment: at least they aren't voting on something important or chasing interns! I'd rather they waste their time doing this than making things worse.
Non illegitimus carborundum!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Generic Name for Viagra!
From my email (from someone with too much time on their hands...)
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Heh heh. The rest home should be a lot of fun by the time I get there!
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Heh heh. The rest home should be a lot of fun by the time I get there!
Apple Does it again!
From my email...
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Haven't checked this on Snopes yet, but it sounds like a winner to me!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Haven't checked this on Snopes yet, but it sounds like a winner to me!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Pope Benedict
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb."Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job. What if something should happen?" protests the driver.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 100 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh no, I'm going to lose my license and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio."I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 100 mph.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"
"Bigger."
"A senator?"
"Bigger."
"The Prime Minister?"
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
"His chauffeur is the Pope."
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job. What if something should happen?" protests the driver.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 100 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh no, I'm going to lose my license and my job!" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio."I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 100 mph.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"
"Bigger."
"A senator?"
"Bigger."
"The Prime Minister?"
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
"His chauffeur is the Pope."
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Space Missions from Earth
Isn't this map cool? Click on it and enlarge it to see all of the space missions from Earth.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Darwin Awards!
From my email...
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed. Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies claiming they were not mad but had been picked up by the driver. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. An Arkansas man wanted some beer pretty badly so he decided he'd throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block hit the window, bounced back hitting the would-be thief on the head and knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on the stores CCTV.
8. As a female shopper left a New York store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the thief. They put him in the patrol car and drove him back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said that these weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away again.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near vomit and spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man had admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he pushed his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!
*** And They Breed ...... Be very afraid!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed. Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies claiming they were not mad but had been picked up by the driver. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. An Arkansas man wanted some beer pretty badly so he decided he'd throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block hit the window, bounced back hitting the would-be thief on the head and knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on the stores CCTV.
8. As a female shopper left a New York store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the thief. They put him in the patrol car and drove him back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said that these weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away again.
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near vomit and spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man had admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he pushed his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!
*** And They Breed ...... Be very afraid!!
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
What could possibly go wrong...
We're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes,with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's nearly broke.
What possibly could go wrong?
Friday, October 02, 2009
New Bill of Non-Rights
This is probably the best e-mail I've seen in a long, long time.. The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.. This guy should run for President one day...
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth.. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes ..
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair..
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job.. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.. (AMEN!)
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage.. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth.. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes ..
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair..
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job.. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.. (AMEN!)
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage.. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!
Old is Gold
From my email...
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 75). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response....
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 75). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response....
'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
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