Thursday, January 28, 2016

Good Questions...

Thank you, Helen, for these:

----------------------------------------------------------

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced  onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys  it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called  Holes?

If it's true that we are here to help  others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What  hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald  men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do  they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? (or work for KFC)

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when  someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Do you  ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first  place?

And A FAVORITE:

The statistics on sanity say that one  out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental  illness. Think of your three best friends.  If they're OK..? (then it's  you!)

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Lost Words from our childhood

Heavens to Murgatroyd!    Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word Murgatroyd?

Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really! The other day, a not-so-elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said,  “What the heck is a Jalopy?” OMG (new) phrase!  He never heard of the word “jalopy”!!

  She knew she was old but not that old...

  Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle...

  by Richard Lederer

  About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."

  Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.

  Heavens to Betsy!  Gee whillikers!  Jumping Jehoshaphat!   Holy moley!

  We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

  Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was “swell”?

  Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the days of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.

  Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

  We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!”, or “This is a fine kettle of  fish!”  We discover that the words we grew up with, the words
  that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

  Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We
  blink, and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone?

  Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it.

  Hey! It's your nickel.

  Don't forget to pull the chain.

  Knee high to a grasshopper.

  Well, Fiddlesticks!

  Going like sixty.

  I'll see you in the funny papers.

  Don't take any wooden nickles

  Heavens  to  Murgatroyd!

  It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.

  This can be disturbing stuff!

  We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times.

  For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.

  We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.

  See ya later, alligator!

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Dad's Safe Cubicle

What a fantastic idea!


It probably works for grandpas too!!!


Monday, January 04, 2016

The Stella Awards

Helen passed this along to me.

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee.  You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head
So keep your head scratcher handy. 

Here are the seven Stellas for this year:

*SEVENTH PLACE
 * 

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after  breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. 
*SIXTH PLACE * 

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour’s hubcaps. 

*FIFTH PLACE * 

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.  Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.  Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.  We should all have this kind of anguish.

There are more... 

*FOURTH PLACE * 

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he  was   awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour’s beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for [sigh] because the jury believed 
the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

*THIRD PLACE * 

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: 
Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.  

*SECOND PLACE* 

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. 

*FIRST PLACE * 

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.  On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, 
Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's  manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise  control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? . . . $1,750,000.  PLUS a new motor home.  Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski
has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. 


Saturday, December 12, 2015

Dear Santa Letter

Helen's dear Santa letter ----


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Remember the Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014?

Only weeks after leaving office on January 20, 2017, former President Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Troy the Plumber to come out and fix it.

Troy drives to President Obama's new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago, where all the residents have a  net income of way more than $250,000 per year.

Troy arrives and takes his  tools into the house. He is led to the guest bathroom that contains the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assesses the problem and tells Obama that it's an easy repair, that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asks Troy how much it will cost. Troy checks his rate chart  and says, "$9,500."

"What?!  $9,500?!" Obama asks, stunned, "But you said it's an easy repair. Michelle will kill me if I pay a plumber that much!"

Troy says, "Yes, but what I do is charge those who make more than $250,000 per year a much higher  amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free. This has  always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the  Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It's known as the 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014'. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it."

In spite of that, Obama tells Troy there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Troy leaves. Obama spends the next hour flipping through the phone  book calling for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing  businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Troy's price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes un-repaired for several  more days.  A week later the leak is so bad President Obama has had  to put a bucket under the sink.

Michelle is not happy as she has Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there's a risk the room will flood, so Obama calls Troy and pleads with him to return.

Troy goes back to Obama's house, looks at the leaky pipe, checks his new rate chart and says, "Let's see, this will now cost you $21,000."

Obama quickly fires back, "What? A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!"

Troy explains, "Well, because of the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There's a long waiting list of those who need repairs, but the amount we get doesn't cover our costs, especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out  of business, they're not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can't make any money at it. I'm hurting too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their 'fair share'. On the other hand, why didn't you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought plumbing insurance available under the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' all this would have been covered by your policy."

"You mean I wouldn't have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing problem?" asks Obama.

"Well, not exactly," replies Troy. "You would have had to buy the insurance before  the deadline, which has passed now. And, because you're rich, you would  have had to pay $34,000 in premiums, which would have given you a 'silver' plan, and then, since this would have been your first repair, you would  have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible, and anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay, and then there's the mandatory maintenance program, which is covered up to 17.5%, so there are some costs involved. Nothing is for free."

"WHAT?!" exclaims Obama. "Why so much for a puny sink leak?!"

With a bland look, Troy  replies, "Well, paperwork, mostly, like I said. And the internal cost of the program itself.  You don't think a program of this complexity and scope can run itself, do you?  Besides, there are millions of folks with lower incomes than you, even many in the 'middle class', who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support. That's why they call it the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'!  Only people who don't make much money can get it. If you want affordable plumbing, you'll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your and Michelle's income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to GET your 'Fair Share' instead of GIVING it."

"But who would pass a crazy act like the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'?!" exclaims the exasperated Obama.

After a sigh, Troy replies,  "Congress ... because they didn't read it."

This will help you understand Obamacare .... And here you have it, the 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014'. 

What a marvelous explanation......

Thursday, November 05, 2015

Thursday, September 10, 2015

As We Age, I Realize That ...

AS WE AGE, I REALIZE THAT:  

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.  

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud. 

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.”  

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.  

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!  

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.  

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.  

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".  

12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.


Wednesday, August 26, 2015

More Murphy's Laws

From my email...

 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
  5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
  7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
 
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Lunch With Jim

The story's not mine but the thoughts are apt. 


One day I had lunch with some old friends. Jim, a short, balding golfer type, about 85 years old, came along with them; all in all, it was a pleasant bunch.   

When the menus were presented, my friends and I ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Jim who said, "A large piece of home-made apple pie, heated please."   

I wasn't sure my ears heard him right, and the others were aghast, when Jim continued, completely unabashed.... "along with two large scoops of vanilla ice cream."   

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time, but when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy eating mine.    I couldn't take my eyes off of Jim as I watched him savoring each bite of his pie a-la-mode. The other guys just grinned in disbelief as they silently ate their lunches.   

The next time I went out to eat, I called Jim and invited him to join me. I lunched on a white meat tuna sandwich, while he ordered a chocolate parfait. Since I was chuckling, he wanted to know if he amused me.   

I answered, "Yes, you certainly do, but you also confuse me. How come you always order such rich desserts, while I feel like I must be sensible in my food choices?"    

He laughed and said "I'm tasting all that is possible for me to taste. I try to eat the food I need and do the things I should in order to stay healthy, but life's too short, my friend. I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (He grinned) I've never been this old before, so, while I'm still here, I've decided it's time to try all those things that, for years, I've been ignoring."   

He continued, "I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many trout streams I haven't fished. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.   

"There are too many golf courses I haven't played. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of sporting events and potato chips and cokes.  

 "I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.   

"I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want un-timed long distance calls to the one I love the most.   

"I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind on my face. I want to be in love again.   

 "So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because   I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final piece of pie before my life expired."   

With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what he's having, only add some more whipped cream!"   

This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much, & laugh often - Be happy and enjoy doing whatever your heart desires.   

 Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we like, respect, and enjoy spending time with. Remember that while money talks, ICE CREAM SINGS! 

Sunday, August 16, 2015

How Our Society Became So Stupid

Watch Bill Whittle's video about the moon landing, education and more...




Interesting!

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Conundrums

From my firend Helen:

                            Conundrum to think about

Free people are not equal. Equal people are not free.

"A gun is like a parachute. If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.

Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:  

1.  America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.  

2.  Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.  

3.  They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.  

4.  Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.  

5.  The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.  

6.  They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.  

Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.   Makes you wonder who is doing the math.  


Tuesday, July 14, 2015

President Obama's Accomplishments

Thanks, Bob, for passing this to me:

Quit Bashing Obama!   
by COL. ROBERT F. CUNNINGHAM and PATRICK RISHOR,  The Gilmer Mirror (Northeast Texas Newspaper)
    
    Quit trashing Obama's accomplishments. He has done more than any other President before him. Here is a list of his impressive accomplishments:

1.   First President to be photographed smoking a joint.
2.   First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.
3.   First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.
4.   First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.
5.   First President to violate the War Powers Act.

6.   First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.
7.   First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.
8.   First President to spend a trillion dollars on "shovel-ready" jobs when there was no such thing as "shovel-ready" jobs.
9.   First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.
10.   First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.

11.   First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.
12.   First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.
13.   First President to tell a CEO of a major corporation (Chrysler) to resign.
14.   First President to terminate America’s ability to put a man in space.
15.   First President to cancel the National Day of Prayer and to say that America is no longer a Christian nation.

16.   First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.
17.   First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.
18.   First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke out on the reasons for their rate increases.
19.   First President to tell a major manufacturing company in which state it is allowed to locate a factory.
20.   First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).

21.   First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.
22.   First President to actively try to bankrupt an American industry (coal).
23.   First President to fire an inspector general of AmeriCorps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.
24.   First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.
25.   First President to surround himself with radical left wing anarchists.

26.   First President to golf more than 150 separate times in his five years in office.
27.   First President to hide his birth, medical, educational and travel records.
28.   First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.
29.   First President to go on multiple "global apology tours" and concurrent "insult our friends" tours.
30.   First President to go on over 17 lavish vacations, in addition to date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends paid for by the taxpayers.

31.   First President to have personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.
32.   First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.
33.   First President to fly in a personal trainer from Chicago at least once a week at taxpayer expense.
34.   First President to repeat the Quran and tell us the early morning call of the Azan (Islamic call to worship) is the most beautiful sound on earth.
35.   First President to side with a foreign nation over one of the American 50 states (Mexico vs Arizona).

36.   First President to tell the military men and women that they should pay for their own private insurance because they "volunteered to go to war and knew the consequences."
37.   Then he was the First President to tell the members of the military that THEY were UNPATRIOTIC for balking at the last suggestion.
  
   
    I feel much better now.
I had been under the impression he hadn't been doing ANYTHING.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Somebody got it wrong?

At least it's not blasphemous!


Maybe it will get 72 merlots?


Monday, June 15, 2015

The New $10 Dollar Bill

It's a perfect choice...


Thursday, May 28, 2015

Paraprosdokians

From my cousin...

PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected - frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.


3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.


11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.


12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'


13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.