Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Somebody got it wrong?

At least it's not blasphemous!


Maybe it will get 72 merlots?


Monday, June 15, 2015

The New $10 Dollar Bill

It's a perfect choice...


Thursday, May 28, 2015

Paraprosdokians

From my cousin...

PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected - frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.


2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.


3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.


11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.


12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'


13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Monday, May 11, 2015

Colombo Nails It!

  I think we all understand the problem, How do we fix the system is the BIG question.
Police Retraining

Der                                                          Unterschied:                                                          Columbo                                                          ?berf?hrt                                                          M?rder. Und                                                          ich ?berf?hre                                                          me

Now let me see if I have this right. 

There's no guidance or discipline in the home.  The family situation is so unstable, 'Junior' doesn't even know where or to whom to send a Father's Day card. 

Junior gets dumped into the education system where he is socially promoted because the overwhelmed school district can't deal with the undisciplined whelp. 

Junior's major formative influences are 'gangsta' rap videos and a corresponding peer group of gangsta wannabes.

At age 18, Junior is turned loose on society carrying a bad attitude, a broken compass and little respect for authority. 

Junior gets himself in big trouble with the law and meets dire consequences.  

Then, the situation diagnosis is that the police need more training and understanding?

Pardon me for asking, but do you really believe this bullshit?


Saturday, March 28, 2015

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Friday, March 13, 2015

Pi Day is March 14th

Once In A Lifetime Math Moment On Saturday’s Pi Day, ‘3/14/15 At 9:26 a.m and 53 seconds.’


(CBS SF) — March 14th has been known as Pi Day ever since fans of the mathematical constant representing the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter  realized the fun that could be had with the date, but in 2015, Pi Day really is significant as the mathematical moment of Pi–3.141592653–will only come around once in a lifetime, on March 14th, 2015 at 9:26 a.m. and 53 seconds.

    A moment like this won’t be back for another hundred years, March 14th, 2115.

How will you celebrate Pi Day? By eating pie, of course! Or try one of these Pi/Pie ideas:  http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-Pi-Day

Coincidence???



Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Canadian Version of David Letterman's Top 10 List

Just makes you want to shake your head in disbelief, and, just maybe choke someone in charge. This is Canada's Top Ten List of America's Stupidity.  Of course we look like idiots - we are!  

# 10  Only in America... could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate Obama campaign fund-raising event. 

# 09 Only in America... could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black, 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans - 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics!,

# 08 Only in America... could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes. 

# 07 Only in America... can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash. 

# 06 Only in America... would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American citizens. (probably should be number one) 

# 05 Only in America... could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be called EXTREMISTS. 

# 04 Only in America... could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote. 

# 03 Only in America... could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike). 

# 02 Only in America... could you collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7 Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money. 

# 01 Only in America... could the rich people - who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all. 


Official White House Terrorist Identification Chart

Michael Ramirez is just excellent...every day (see http://www.investors.com/editorial-cartoons/michael-ramirez/)


Sunday, January 25, 2015

Socialism in America in 2015

Here are six Conundrums of Socialism in the United States of America:

1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized. 


2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims. 


3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government. 


4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer. 


5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.


6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.



Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.

Monday, January 19, 2015

ObamaCare Reduced to Four Sentences

Here's a nice summary from  a Purdue engineer.  Here are the 10,535 pages of ObamaCare  condensed to 4  sentences.  As humorous as this sounds.....every last word of it is absolutely TRUE!
      
1. In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to uninsure the insured.
       
2. Next, we require the newly uninsured to be re-insured.


3. To re-insure the newly uninsured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured.
   
4. The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became uninsured, and then became re-insured, can pay enough extra so that the original uninsured can be insured, which will be almost free of  charge to them.


'Nuff said!  Got it?  

Thursday, January 08, 2015

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Red Marbles

I love stories like this...thanks, Helen!

RED MARBLES

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes.    I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.  I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas.    I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.    Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

"Hello Barry, how are you today?"

"H'lo, Mr. Miller.  Fine, thank ya.    Jus' admirin' them peas.  They sure look good."

"They are good, Barry.    How's your Ma?"

"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."

"Good.    Anything I can help you with?"

"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."

"Would you like take some home?" asked Mr. Miller.

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
  
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize marble here."

"Is that right?    Let me see it" said Miller.

"Here 'tis.    She's a dandy."

"I can see that.    Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red.  Do you have a red one like this at home?" the store owner asked.

"Not zackley but almost."

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble"     Mr. Miller told the boy.

"Sure will.    Thanks Mr. Miller."

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.    With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in town, all three are in very poor circumstances.    Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever.    When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store."

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.    A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

-----------------------------------------------

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one.  Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.    They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.    Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could

Ahead of us in line were three young men.    One was in an army uniform and the other two had nice haircuts, wore dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking.  They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.  Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket.  Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller.  I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's  bartering for marbles.  With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

"Those three young men who just left were those boys.  They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them.   Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt."

"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,"  she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho."

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband.    Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral :   We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds.  Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~   

A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.  
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.

Send this to the people you'll never forget. I just Did...

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in way too much of a hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur.
  


Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Ghost of Christmas Future...


Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
         





Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best. 

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry; 
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
           
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
           
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Cooper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
           
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.          

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,      
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Before long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!




Friday, November 14, 2014

The "Science" of Climate Change

Which of these predictions has come true?