Sunday, April 06, 2014

Dating Ads for Seniors Found in Florida Newspapers

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in
''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors don't have
a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------

SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------

WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------

BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------

MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember FridaySaturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.
----------------------------------------------------

My favorite…

MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Canada's Top Ten List of American Stupidity

10) Only in America ... could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event. 

9) Only in America ... could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal work force is black while only 14% of the population is black.  40+% of all federal entitlements go to black Americans at 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics!

8) Only in America ... could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

7) Only in America ... can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

6) Only in America ... would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just 'magically' become American citizens.

5) Only in America ... could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country's Constitution be thought of as "extremists."

4) Only in America ... could you need to present a driver's license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

3) Only in America ... could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

2) Only in America ... could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year - for total spending of $7-Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn't have nearly enough money.

1) Only in America ... could the rich people - who pay 86% of all income taxes - be accused of not paying their "fair share" by people who don't pay any income taxes at all!

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Ant and the Grasshopper Revisited

The  ANT AND  THE GRASSHOPPER   

 This  one is a little different.... 
Two  Different Versions ... 
Two  Different Morals   

OLD  VERSION

The  ant works hard  in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and  laying up supplies for the winter.   

The  grasshopper Thinks  the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.   

  Come  winter, the ant is warm And  well fed.

The  grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he Dies  out in the cold. 
 
MORAL  OF THE OLD STORY:   Be  responsible for yourself!

=======================================

MODERN VERSION   

The  ant works hard In  the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The  grasshopper thinks the ant Is  a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.   Come  winter, the shivering grasshopper Calls  a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be   Allowed  to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.   
  
CBS,  NBC, PBS, CNN,  And  ABC show up to Provide  pictures of the shivering grasshopper Next  to a video of the ant In his comfortable home with a table filled with food.   America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How  can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper  is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit  the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper  and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green ...'   
 
 Occupy the Anthill stages  A  demonstration in front of the ant's House  where the news stations film the SEIU group singing, We  shall overcome. 
  
Then  Rev Al Sharpton's assistant has the group kneel down  to pray for the grasshopper, while he damns the ant.  The Reverend Al can not attend as he has contractual commitments to appear on his MSNBC show for which he is paid over two million dollars a year to complain that rich people do not care.

President Barack Hussein Obama condemns  the ant and blames President  Bush 43, President Bush 41, President Reagan,  Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight. 
 
Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview on The View that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair  share.
 
Finally,  the EEOC drafts the Economic  Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the 
beginning of the summer.

The  ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number  Of  green  bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government  Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The  story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's  old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.  The  ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.   
 
The  grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now  abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous  and  peaceful, neighborhood.
 
The entire Nation collapses, bringing the rest of the free word with it.
   
MORAL  OF THE STORY:   Be  careful how you vote in 2014 and 2016.   

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Men Are Just Happier Creatures

From my email - thanks, Helen!

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. 

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Monday, January 27, 2014

DAVID LETTERMAN's TOP 10 REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.

8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that get police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.

5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away Social Security from those who paid into it.

3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.

2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

And the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers or fish in those other countries.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Do You Know "Everything?"

So do You think you Know Everything?  Did you know this:

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

AL Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps.  They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds.  Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you,in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average Canadian or American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel fuel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence:  "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a 'ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

.............Now you know everything!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

This person probably votes...

From a North Carolina newspaper;


Monday, January 20, 2014

My favorite animal...

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 


I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much. I do, too; especially chicken and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again..


The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.


I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.


I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.


Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.  I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now..?



Friday, January 17, 2014

A Test for "Older Kids"

Here's a quiz for everybody...but "older kids" will do well!

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.

03. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'

04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to __________________.'

05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'

07. Nestle's makes the very best . .. . . _______________.'

08. Satchmo was America's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________... '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by?  ____________ &_______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.'
This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the __________ ______________.

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!

18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? The _________ Knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was 'a grave yard smash.' It's name was the _________ ______!

20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________


How did you do?  Tell me in Comments.


Answers in Comments.  Don't cheat!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Manure - An Interesting Fact...

From my email - thanks Helen for the laugh:

 
Manure :  In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.


It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.  

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!


Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening 

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.



 
Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. 

You probably did not know the true history of this word. 

Neither did I.  

I had always thought it was a golf term. And a bowling term.  

Monday, December 09, 2013

Alphabet of the Obsolete

From my email...


Friday, November 22, 2013

Little Johnny Knows How to Sell!

From my email, thanks Helen:

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"
Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!' Then I would say, 'It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?' I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart.

Lexiphile

Lexiphile is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as:
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone, it’s two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture - a jab well done.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots

From my email...not by Jeff Foxworthy, but surely inspired by him!

A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots 

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and ...remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

What a country!