Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The Ghost of Christmas Future...


Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
         





Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best. 

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry; 
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
           
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
           
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Cooper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
           
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.          

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,      
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Before long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!




Friday, November 14, 2014

The "Science" of Climate Change

Which of these predictions has come true?


Saturday, November 08, 2014

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

The Fence Test

The Fence Test, by Jeff Foxworthy

You can't get any more accurate than this!  This is straight forward country thinking

Which side of the fence?  If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test! 

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.  If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed. 

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.  If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone. 

If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.  If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect. 

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.  If a Democrat is down-and-out he wonders who is going to take care of him. 

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.  A Democrat demands that those they don't like be shut down. 

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.  A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. 

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.  If a Democrat decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his. 

If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.  A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended".

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Friday, September 05, 2014

Retiring in the Caribbean...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a  Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. 

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the
s​hore.

In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies
, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed

"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman.
"I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, !
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course too?" 

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Beard Facts


I would add:

*  Keeps the chin warm

*  Hides a weak chin

*  Makes shaving much faster

*  Small children wonder if you're really Santa Claus




Sunday, July 27, 2014

A Retiree's Last Trip to CostCo

From my email ... thanks, Susi:

 Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy  things to say.

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends...it will be their laugh for the day!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Sticks and Stones ...

Looks like an oxy-moron to me...


Nice to know what they think of those who are not tolerant liberals...

This explains a lot...


Well, yeah, at least on the Senate side.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Friday, July 18, 2014

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

If Harry Reid Had Lived in 1812...


Harry Reid is a joke...and a fool.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Who said these things?

There's Six trivia questions to see how much history you really know.  Be honest, it's kind of fun and revealing.  If you don't know the answer make your best guess.  Answer all of the questions (no cheating!!!) before looking at the answers.

1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."

A.. Karl Marx       B. Adolph Hitler      C. Joseph Stalin            D. Barack Obama        E. None of the above

2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few...... And to replace it with shared responsibility, for shared prosperity."


A. Lenin            B. Mussolini            C. Idi Amin        D. Barack Obama            E. None of the above

3) "(We).....can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from some people."


A. Nikita  Khrushev     B.  Joseph Goebbels     C. Boris Yeltsin     D.  Barack Obama     E. None of the above

4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own ... in order to create this common ground."

A.. Mao Tse Tung       B. Hugo Chavez     C. Kim Jong II       D. Barack Obama          E. None of the above

5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed."


A..  Karl Marx            B. Lenin        C. Molotov            D. Barack Obama            E. None of the above

6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched."

A.. Pinochet        B. Milosevic     C. Saddam Hussein       D. Barack Obama E. None of the above
________________________________________

Scroll down for answers
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And the answers  are  -----------

1)   E. None of the above.  Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/29/2004

2)   E. None of the above.  Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/2007

3)  E. None of the above.  Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007

4)   E. None of the above.  Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007

5 ) E None of the above.  Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007

6). E. None of the above.  Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 9/2/2005


How many did you get right?

Saturday, July 05, 2014

Thursday, July 03, 2014

Who Should Pay for Stuff?

The right idea...


Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Why Voter ID?

This makes too much sense to happen in the USA...


Sunday, June 29, 2014

Engineering Flowchart

This works for me:


Saturday, June 14, 2014

Acyrologia Defined

Know anyone who has this "disease"?


How many cases of acyrologia did you see in the chart?  I found 19 of them.  hat were they?

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.  One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant
  
   Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.  Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
  
   She agreed, but she asked how he would know when the baby was born.  To keep it discreet, he advised her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti on the back.  He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
  
   One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, You received a very strange post card today.
  
   Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later, he replied.  The wife obeyed, and watched her husband as he read the card.  He turned white and fainted
  
   On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.  Three with meatballs.  Two without.  Send extra sauce.