Monday, December 29, 2008

Three Old Ladies from Texas

This is a detective story so Pay Close Attention!!! ..

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. ...

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park. ....

The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely...

mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. .....

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. ......

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think! Think some more!!

You're gonna love it (scroll down for the answer)
Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!

Dolly and Queen Elizabeth go to heaven

Dolly Parton and

Queen Elizabeth

die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The angel chuckles and says, 'Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the angel, but, even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

The Preacher's Son

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy;" the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

The Mom's Song

Check out this YouTube video.

It's hilarious and wise, and oh so true.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas Gift Wrapping

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men went to see the baby Jesus and according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh".

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary sayeth unto him, she sayeth, "Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!" And Joseph did rolleth his eyes. And verily, the baby Jesus was much more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were not wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.

I attempt to wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it in the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills - like having babies - that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting gift-wrapping tips for men:

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. I think they've had way too many Rum balls!

If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

1. Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
2. You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Recipe for Viagra

From my email:

I knew it.... I knew it! ....... I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

The Recipe:

* 3% Vitamin E
* 2% Aspirin
* 2% Ibuprofen
* 1% Vitamin C
* 5% Spray Starch
* 87% Fix-A-Flat.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The best Christmas card on the Web

Click on

You can click anywhere on the card and it changes to the next one.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 16

Week 15 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 9-7 in week 15 picking winners (129-72-5 on the year), while Las Vegas was 9-5-2 picking winners in week 15 (146-71-7 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 16 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):

THURSDAY, 18 December:

Indianapolis (10-4) (-6.5) at Jacksonville (5-9): Indianapolis by 10.5

SATURDAY, 20 December:

Baltimore (9-5) (+5) at Dallas (9-5): Dallas by 1

SUNDAY, 21 December:

San Diego (6-8) (+3) at Tampa Bay (9-5): Tampa Bay by 9
Pittsburgh (10-4) (+1) at Tennessee (12-2): Tennessee by 4.5
Miami (9-5) (-4) at Kansas City (2-12): Miami by 13.5
Arizona (8-6) (+8) at New England (9-5): New England by 5.5
Cincinnati (2-11-1) (+3) at Cleveland (4-10): Cleveland by 8
Philadelphia (8-5-1) (-5) at Washington (7-7): Philadelphia by 2.5
San Francisco (5-9) (-5.5) at St. Louis (2-12): San Francisco by 6.5
Carolina (11-3) (+3) at New York Giants (11-3): New York Giants by 4
Atlanta (9-5) (+3) at Minnesota (9-5): Minnesota by 3
New Orleans (7-7) (-6.5) at Detroit (0-14): New Orleans by 15
New York Jets (9-5) (-4.5) at Seattle (3-11): New York Jets by 13
Houston (7-7) (-7) at Oakland (3-11): Houston by 7
Buffalo (6-8) (+7) at Denver (8-6): Denver by 6.5

MONDAY, December 22:

Green Bay (5-9) (+4.5) at Chicago (8-6): Chicago by 9

I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are the Bengals over the Browns, the Chargers over the Bucs, and Pittsburgh over Tennessee. Teams in a must-win situation are San Diego, New England, Miami, NY Jets, Baltimore, Dallas, Philadelphia, Chicago, Minnesota, Tampa Bay, and Atlanta.

Here are my NFL power ratings after 15 weeks:

1. Tennessee Titans (12-2) -- 32.6
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3) -- 31.0
3. New York Giants (11-3) -- 30.3
4. Carolina Panthers (11-3) -- 29.4
5. Indianapolis Colts (10-4) -- 26.9

6. Baltimore Ravens (9-5) -- 26.0
7. New York Jets (9-5) -- 25.2
8. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-5) -- 25.1
9. Atlanta Falcons (9-5) -- 25.0
10. Minnesota Vikings (9-5) -- 24.9

11. Dallas Cowboys (9-5) -- 24.8
12. New England Patriots (9-5) -- 24.8
13. Philadelphia Eagles (8-5-1) -- 24.7
14. Miami Dolphins (9-5) -- 24.2
15. Arizona Cardinals (8-6) -- 22.5

16. Chicago Bears (8-6) -- 22.5
17. Denver Broncos (8-6) - 21.3
18. New Orleans Saints (7-7) -- 20.7
19. Houston Texans (7-7) -- 19.6
20. Washington Redskins (7-7) -- 19.4

21. San Diego Chargers (6-8) -- 18.8
22. Buffalo Bills (6-8) -- 18.0
23. Green Bay Packers (5-9) -- 16.6
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9) -- 15.3
25. San Francisco 49ers (5-9) -- 15.2

26. Cleveland Browns (4-10) -- 12.7
27. Seattle Seahawks (3-11) -- 10.3
28. Oakland Raiders (3-11) -- 9.4
29. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11-1) -- 7.7
30. Kansas City Chiefs (2-12) -- 7.6

31. St. Louis Rams (2-12) -- 5.9
32. Detroit Lions (0-14) -- 2.4

I predicted the Chargers would barely beat the Chiefs 27-21, and the Bolts won 22-21, after playing a poor first half (behind 14-3 at the half, and 21-3 in the 3rd quarter). The running game was terrible because the line just cannot run block effectively, and the pass blocking is suspect too. Dielman got kicked out, and Hardwick got a concussion. One more loss and the Bolts won't make the playoffs (I said that the last four weeks too). Now the Bolts go on the road to Tampa Bay to play the Bucs. This is a must-win game for the Chargers and the Bucs. My Power Ratings say Tampa Bay by 9.5, but I think the Bolts will win 20-17 (hope springs eternal...).

Go Chargers!!

The California Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading towards the city of San Diego. For the first offense, they give you two Chargers tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Chargers.

Q. What do the Chargers and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ.'

Q. How do you keep a Charger out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Charger with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Chargers and a dollar Bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Chargers does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the Chargers and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q Did you hear that the Chargers are moving to the Philippine islands?
A they’ll be called the Manila Folders.

The diminishing monkey supply

This is so true I wish I had written it.

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!

In Wine there is wisdom

From my email:

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop every year in the water.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?

From my email ...

If a packet has a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable on your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
So your icons in your window are as wavy as a zouse,
Then you may as well reboot and go without a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the thing is gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you hafta flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Auto Air Conditioner Settings

From my email...

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

2008 Presidential Election Facts

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul , Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning the 2008 Presidential election:

* Number of States won by: Democrats: 20; Republicans: 30
* Square miles of land won by: Democrats: 580,000; Republicans: 2,427,000
* Population of counties won by: Democrats: 127 million; Republicans: 143 million
* Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Democrats: 13.2; Republicans: 2.1
Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Republican won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens. Democrat territory mostly
encompassed those citizens living in rented or government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency
and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty
percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental
dependency" phase.
Of course there are exceptions, but generally the government welfare dependent and under-informed have voted Democrat for years, yet they are still government welfare dependent and under-informed.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Take this civics Quiz

Are you more knowledgeable than the average citizen? The average score for all 2,508 Americans taking the following test was 49%; college educators scored 55%. Can you do better? Questions were drawn from past ISI surveys, as well as other nationally recognized exams.

Take the quiz at

I got 31 out of 33 - missed #4 and #29.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A Nun in the Taxi

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says.. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned.. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Sunday, December 14, 2008

In the nursing home

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Thursday, December 11, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 15

Week 14 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 11-5 in week 14 picking winners (120-65-5 on the year), while Las Vegas was 12-4 picking winners in week 14 (137-66-5 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 14 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):

THURSDAY, 11 December:

New Orleans (7-6) (+3) at Chicago (7-6): Chicago by 2.5

SUNDAY, 14 December:

San Diego (5-8) (-5.5) at Kansas City (2-11): San Diego by 6
Green Bay (5-8) (-2.5) at Jacksonville (4-9): Green Bay by 0.5
Detroit (0-13) (+17) at Indianapolis (9-4): Indianapolis by 25
Washington (7-6) (-7) at Cincinnati (1-11-1): Washington by 11
Tampa Bay (9-4) (+3) at Atlanta (8-5): Atlanta by 1
San Francisco (5-8) (+7.5) at Miami (8-5): Miami by 10
Seattle (2-11) (+3) at St. Louis (2-11): St. Louis by 1
Buffalo (6-7) (+8) at New York Jets (8-5): New York Jets by 8
Tennessee (12-1) (-3) at Houston (6-7): Tennessee by 12
Pittsburgh (10-3) (+2) at Baltimore (9-4): Baltimore by 1
Denver (8-5) (+7.5) at Carolina (10-3): Carolina by 8.5
Minnesota (8-5) (off) at Arizona (8-5): Arizona by 3.5
New England (8-5) (off) at Oakland (3-10): New England by 10
New York Giants (11-2) (+3) at Dallas (8-5): New York Giants by 5

MONDAY, 15 December:

Cleveland (4-9) (+14) at Philadelphia (7-5-1): Philadelphia by 12.5

I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are the Giants over Dallas, Pittsburgh over Baltimore, and Tampa Bay over Atlanta. Teams in a must-win situation are San Diego, New England, Miami, NY Jets, Baltimore, Dallas, Philadelphia, Chicago, Minnesota, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, New Orleans, and Washington.

Here are my NFL power ratings after 14 weeks:

1. Tennessee Titans (11-1) -- 33.8
2. New York Giants (11-2) -- 31.7
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3) -- 29.0
4. Carolina Panthers (10-3) -- 28.3
5. Baltimore Ravens (9-4) -- 27.2

6. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-4) -- 26.2
7. Indianapolis Colts (9-4) -- 25.9
8. New York Jets (8-5) -- 24.2
9. Atlanta Falcons (8-5) -- 24.0
10. Arizona Cardinals (8-5) -- 23.9

11. Dallas Cowboys (8-5) -- 23.6
12. Minnesota Vikings (8-5) -- 23.6
13. Philadelphia Eagles (7-5-1) -- 23.5
14. New England Patriots (8-5) -- 23.5
15. Miami Dolphins (8-5) -- 23.2

16. Denver Broncos (8-5) - 22.6
17. New Orleans Saints (7-6) -- 21.8
18. Chicago Bears (7-6) -- 21.5
19. Washington Redskins (7-6) -- 20.5
20. Buffalo Bills (6-7) -- 19.1

21. Houston Texans (6-7) -- 18.5
22. San Diego Chargers (5-8) -- 17.8
23. Green Bay Packers (5-8) -- 17.7
24. San Francisco 49ers (5-8) -- 16.2
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9) -- 14.2

26. Cleveland Browns (4-9) -- 14.0
27. Oakland Raiders (3-10) -- 10.7
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-11) -- 8.9
29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-11) -- 8.5
30. St. Louis Rams (2-11) -- 6.7

31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-11-1) -- 6.7
32. Detroit Lions (0-13) -- 3.6

I predicted the Chargers would barely beat the Raiders, 20-17, and the Bolts won 34-7 - not allowing a defensive touchdown and hitting on several big offensive plays. The running game was better, but the line is not run blocking or pass blocking well. One more loss and the Bolts won't make the playoffs (I said that the last three weeks too). Now the Bolts go on the road to Arrowhead to play the Kansas City Chiefs. This game concerns me because the Bolts don't play well in KC. However, this is a must-win game for the Chargers. My Power Ratings say Chargers by 6, I think they will win 27-21.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Santa Reorganizes

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (”thirteen lawyers-a-suing”) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

This Christmas is Coming!

Wrapping Presents 101 for Cat Owners

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don’t reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat’s enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver’s face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.

Thanks to Mary Campbell

A Dog's Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: - Don’t pee on the tree - Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree - Mind your tail when you are near the tree - If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open - Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: - Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - Don’t eat off the buffet table - Beg for goodies subtly - Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: - Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important) - Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - Tolerate children - Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON’T BITE HIM!!

A Cat's Favorite Christmas Carols

10. Up on the Mousetop

9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

8. Joy to the Curled

7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

6. The First Meow

5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

4. Silent Mice

3. Fluffy, the Snowman

2. Jingle Balls

1. Wreck the Halls!

Night Before Christmas (US Government Contractor version)

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - “Now Dasher, now Dancer...” et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion’s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: “Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.”

Martha Stewart's Holiday Planning List

December 1-- Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 -- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 -- Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 -- Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 -- Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 -- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 -- Debug WindowsNT.

December 10 -- Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 -- Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 -- Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 -- Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 -- Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 -- Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 -- Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 -- Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 -- Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 -- Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 -- Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 -- Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 -- Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 -- Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 -- Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 -- Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31 -- New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

How Angels Came to be Atop the Tree

Santa Claus was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.

The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.

The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.

To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

Thursday, December 04, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 14

Week 13 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 11-3-2 in week 13 picking winners (109-64-5 on the year), while Las Vegas was 11-5 picking winners in week 13 (125-62-5 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 14 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):

THURSDAY, 4 December:

Oakland (3-9) (+9) at San Diego (4-8): San Diego by 7

SUNDAY, 7 December:

Cincinnati (1-10-1) (+13.5) at Indianapolis: Indianapolis by 19
Jacksonville (4-8) (+6.5) at Chicago (6-6): Chicago by 8
Houston (5-7) (+6) at Green Bay (5-7): Green Bay by 4
Cleveland (4-8) (+13.5) at Tennessee (11-1): Tennessee by 20
Minnesota (7-5) (-7) at Detroit (0-12): Minnesota by 14
Washington (7-5) (+5) at Baltimore (8-4): Baltimore by 7
Philadelphia (6-5-1) (+7) at New York Giants (11-1): New York Giants by 12.5
Atlanta (8-4) (+3) at New Orleans (6-6): Atlanta by 1.5
New York Jets (8-4) (-4) at San Francisco (4-8): New York Jets by 7.5
Miami (7-5) (+1) vs. Buffalo (6-6) at Toronto: Buffalo by 1.5
Kansas City (2-10) (+9) at Denver (7-5): Denver by 15
St. Louis (2-10) (+14) at Arizona (7-5): Arizona by 18
Dallas (8-4) (+3) at Pittsburgh (9-3): Pittsburgh by 6.5
New England (7-5) (-5.5) at Seattle (2-10): New England by 14

MONDAY, 8 December:

Tampa Bay (9-3) (+3) at Carolina (9-3): Carolina by 2.5

I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are Dallas over Pittsburgh, Miami over Buffalo, and Tampa Bay over Carolina. Teams in a must-win situation are Denver, San Diego, New England, Miami, Baltimore, Dallas, Philadelphia, Chicago, Minnesota, Atlanta, and Washington.

Here are my NFL power ratings after 13 weeks:

1. New York Giants (11-1) -- 33.0
2. Tennessee Titans (10-1) -- 32.8
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3) -- 28.1
4. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-3) -- 27.7
5. Carolina Panthers (9-3) -- 27.1

6. Baltimore Ravens (8-4) -- 26.1
7. New York Jets (8-4) -- 25.5
8. Atlanta Falcons (8-4) -- 25.0
9. Dallas Cowboys (8-4) -- 24.7
10. Indianapolis Colts (8-4) -- 24.1

11. Philadelphia Eagles (6-5-1) -- 23.5
12. Minnesota Vikings (7-5) -- 22.6
13. Arizona Cardinals (7-5) -- 22.5
14. New England Patriots (7-5) -- 22.3
15. Miami Dolphins (7-5) -- 21.9

16. Washington Redskins (7-5) -- 21.7
17. Denver Broncos (7-5) - 21.4
18. New Orleans Saints (6-6) -- 20.7
19. Buffalo Bills (6-6) -- 20.4
20. Chicago Bears (6-6) -- 20.3

21. Green Bay Packers (5-7) -- 18.8
22. Houston Texans (5-7) -- 17.2
23. San Diego Chargers (4-8) -- 16.3
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8) -- 15.4
25. Cleveland Browns (4-8) -- 15.3

26. San Francisco 49ers (4-8) -- 14.9
27. Oakland Raiders (3-9) -- 12.1
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-10) -- 11.1
29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-10) -- 9.4
30. St. Louis Rams (2-10) -- 7.8

31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-10-1) -- 7.7
32. Detroit Lions (0-12) -- 6.0

I predicted the Falcons win over the Chargers, even though my Power Ratings said the Chargers would win. My Chargers played terrible on offense, unable to run effectively, and unable to pass downfield. The defense couldn't stop the Falcons at critical times. One more loss and the Bolts probably don't make the playoffs (I said that the last two weeks too). Now the Raiders come to town, and this game concerns me. The Chargers beat them 28-18 in Oakland earlier, but had to come from 15-0 behind. My Power Ratings say Chargers by all 7, I think they will win 20-17, probably in the last minute.

The leather dress

When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker; and his throat gets dry; he goes weak in the knees; and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck.

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------ Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle --------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit loving cousin -------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ----- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV - Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling - there ya Gogh. . . !

Global Hawk

This is a photo of the Global Hawk UAV that returned from the war zone recently under its own power. ( Iraq to Edwards AFB in CA) - Not transported via C5 or C17..... Notice the mission paintings on the fuselage. It's actually over 250 missions.... (And I would suppose 25 air medals).

That's a long way for a remotely-piloted aircraft. Think of the technology (and the required quality of the data link to fly it remotely). Not only that but the pilot controlled it from a nice warm control panel at Edwards AFB. Really long legs- can stay up for almost 2 days at altitudes above 60k.

The Global Hawk was controlled via satellite; it flew missions during OT&E that went from Edwards AFB to upper Alaska and back non-stop. Basically, they come into the fight at a high Mach number in mil thrust, fire their AMRAAMS, and no one ever sees them or paints them with radar. There is practically no radio chatter because all the guys in the flight are tied together electronically, and can see who is targeting who, and they have AWACS direct input and 360 situational awareness from that and other sensors. The aggressors had a morale problem before it was all over.

It is to air superiority what the jet engine was to aviation. It can taxi, take off, fly a mission, return, land and taxi on it's own. No blackouts, no fatigue, no relief tubes, no ejection seats, and best of all, no dead pilots and no POWs.

Pretty cool, huh?