Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve in San Diego

Check out this great song about Christmas Eve in San Diego --

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQfpD3Mocs0

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Seven degrees of blonde...

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from
here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead . Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No,honey, don 't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .... I know 'em all'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Walking is good for you

From my email --

Walking can add minutes to your life.This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing....

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there....

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Monday, December 21, 2009

What do teachers make?

From my email...

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, 'What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?' He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.'

To emphasize his point he said to another guest; 'You're a teacher, Ned. Be honest. What do you make?'

Ned, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, 'You want to know what I make? (He paused for a second, then began...)

'Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

'I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

'I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod,Game Cube or movie rental.

'You want to know what I make?' (he paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)

''I make kids wonder..

'I make them question.
I
' make them apologize and mean it.

'I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

'I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't everything.

'I make them read, read, read.

'I make them show all their work in math. They use their God-given brain, not the man-made calculator.

'I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English
while preserving their unique cultural identity.

'I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

'I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in the United States of America.

'I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.'

(He paused one last time, then continued.)

'Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant...

'You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

'What do you make, Mr. CEO?'

His jaw dropped - he went silent.

Funny if not true...

From my email ...


Sunday, December 20, 2009

Little Johnny...

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Police Harassment - in Chula Vista!

Recently, the Chula Vista, California Police Department ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being, "Community Policing."

One of the civilian email participants posed the following question, "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:

"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. And at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.

The tools available to us are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.

Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

RUNNERS:
Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.

After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well.

We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they actually pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me."

It's one of our favorites.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Oh, to be six again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

1950's Christmas Jukebox

Here's your own personal Holiday juke box ... just click on the one you want to hear....

Fabulous 50s Christmas Songs

A Holly Jolly Christmas -- Burl Ives
Away In A Manger -- Loretta Lynn
Christmas Alphabet -- The McGuire Sisters
Christmas Country Christmas -- The Statler Brothers
Christmas In My Hometown -- Sonny James

Christmas Song -- Alvin & The Chipmunks
Christmas Times A Coming -- Bill Monroe And The Bluegrass Boys
Christmas Waltz -- Frank Sinatra
Christmas Without You -- Kenny Rogersand Dolly Parton
Frosty The Snowman -- Gene Autry

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer -- Elmo & Patsy
Hard Rock Candy Christmas -- Dolly Parton
Hark The Herald Angels Sing -- Nat King Cole
Have Yourself A Very Merry Christmas -- Rosemary Clooney
Home For The Holidays -- Perry Como

Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas -- Bing Crosby &The Andrew Sisters
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus -- Jimmy Boyd
Its a Most Wonderful Time Of The Year -- Johnny Mathis
Jingle Bell Rock -- Bobby Helms
Jingle Bells -- Roy Rogers

Jingle Bells -- Perry Como
Jingle Bells -- The Jingle Bell Piggie
Joy To The World --Nat King Cole
Leroy, the Redneck Reindeer -- Joe Diffie
Let It Snow -- Andy Williams

Lets Put Christ Back Into Christmas -- Tammy Wynette
Little Drummer Boy -- Neil Diamond
O Christmas Tree -- Nat King Cole
Please Come Home -- The Platters
Pretty Paper -- Roy Orbison

Rocking Around The Christmas Tree -- Brenda Lee
Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer -- Gene Autry
Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer -- Unknown Group
Santa Baby -- Cynthia Basinet
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town -- Bing Crosby

Santa Claus Is Watching You -- Ray Stevens
Silver Bells -- Bing Crosby/Peggy Lee
Silent Night -- Dean Martin
Sleigh Ride -- Johnny Mathis
The First Noel -- Andy Williams

Up On The Housetop -- Gene Autry
White Christmas -- Bing Crosby
White Christmas -- The Drifters (1954)
Winter Wonderland -- Brenda Lee
Christmas With Elvis -- Elvis Presley

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Was George W really an idiot?

If George W. Bush had been the first President to need a TelePrompTer installed to be able to get through a press conference, would you have laughed and said this is more proof of how inept he is on his own and is really controlled by smarter men behind the scenes?

If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVD's, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?

If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made reference to the non-existent "Austrian language," would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?

If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?

If George W. Bush had misspelled the word advice would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potato as proof of what a dunce he is?

If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?

If George W. Bush's administration had Okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11.?

If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans , would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?

If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?

If George W Bush had proposed to double the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have approved?

If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?

So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive? Can't think of anything? Don't worry. He's done all this in 10 months -- so you'll have three years and two months to come up with an answer.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Husband/Wife Stores

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids'

That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Great Christmas House Decoration



The good news is that I truly out did myself this year. The bad news is that I had to take the dummy down after 2 days.


First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents, because they almost wrecked when they drove by.


Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house. She didn't realize it was dummy until she climbed to the top, and she was not amused. She was one of many who attempted a rescue -- I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up on my yard.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Ten Funniest words in the English Language

From the Gunaxin blog - Ten Funniest Words In The English Language with pictures.

1 . Kumquat
Definition: A small, round or oblong citrus fruit, native to China.
Funny Sentence Usage: “My Grandmother had the largest kumquat I’d ever seen in real life.”

2. Mangrove
Definition: Any tropical tree or shrub that grows in marshes or tidal shores.
Funny Sentence Usage: “I lost my wristwatch somewhere in the mangrove near his backdoor.”

3. Titmouse
Definition: Small songbird of the genus Parus. Known for it’s short conical bill.
Funny Sentence Usage: “I’m not the one that whistled at you, it was the titmouse!”

4. Bouffant
Definition: A puffed-out woman’s hair do, popular in the 1950’s.
Funny Sentence Usage: “She had a great body and a warm personality but her bouffant was just too damn big for a guy my size!”

5. Pumpernickel
Definition: A dark, sour rye bread.
Funny Sentence Usage: “The prostitute slammed her fist on the deli counter and demanded hot beef and pumpernickel.”

6. Bumbershoot
Definition: An umbrella.
Funny Sentence Usage: “Rhianna won a Grammy for singing about her bumbershoot.”

7. Cockalorum
Definition: A self-important little man.
Funny Sentence Usage: “That bouncer was a real cockalorum.”

8. Skullduggery
Definition: Underhanded dealings.
Funny Sentence Usage: ” In addition to being a necrophiliac, Peter was also guilty of skullduggery.”

9. Fard
Definition: To apply face paint or make-up.
Funny Sentence Usage: “She looks good but I’m going to fard some more brown on her cheeks for good measure.”

10. Pandiculation
Definition: A deep stretch of the entire body.
Funny Sentence Usage: “While I was in the act of pandiculation, my mother walked into the room and reminded me to breathe.”

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Profiling?


What could possibly go wrong?

Let me get this straight......we're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it,

...passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it,

...to be signed by a president that also hasn't read it and who smokes, with

...funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, all to be

...overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,

and financed by a country that's nearly broke.

What could possibly go wrong?

Little girl on the Plane

A CALIFORNIA Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from DALLAS when the he turned to her and said, "Let's talk.. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.''

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming or universal health care." and he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'"

The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know s--t?"

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Giraffe Test

How do you put a Giraffe in the refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
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~ The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
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Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of theProfessionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Friday, November 13, 2009

Things you must believe to be a Democrat

From a FreeRepublic thread...

• That a religious fanatic who screams that his god is greater than yours and proceeds to shoot 40 unarmed soldiers is not a terrorist, but that your granny, who went to a town hall meeting to protest Medicare cuts, is.

• That it is OK to force taxpayers to pay for your teenage daughter’s abortion, but it’s not OK to pay people to teach her that she shouldn’t have sex in the first place.

• That a God who taught His followers to tell everyone about Him but to walk away from those who will not listen is hateful and bigoted, but a god who teaches his followers to convert by force and to kill everyone who doesn’t believe in him is peaceful.

• That we will all die soon from global warming if we don’t stop carbon dioxide emissions, even though there is no scientific evidence that carbon dioxide hurts anything (and, in fact, the earth is cooling rather than warming).

• That it is somehow noble to trash the economy of the United States in the name of stopping a climate change that is not happening, but it would be wrong to ask China and India to do the same.

• That the freely available scientific evidence that shows that the earth warms and cools in cycles according to the energy output of the sun (and that the same phenomenon is observed on the other planets in our solar system) must be ignored – instead we must ruin the economy of the most prosperous nation on earth to reduce carbon dioxide emissions.

• That it’s OK to pay Middle Eastern and South American countries that hate us for their oil, but it’s not OK to drill for our own oil (of which we have the biggest reserves in the world).

• That any word spoken against a black president or his supporters is racist and evil, but the many hateful things spoken against the previous white president were only “speaking truth to power”.

• That a Republican governor who cheated on his wife is unfit for office, but a Democrat president that cheated on his wife could not be removed from office and is now considered a hero.

• That any white person who is not a Democrat and who says anything that can be construed as racially or culturally insensitive must be removed from any public position (or even fired from a non-public position) as a result, but any white Democrat that does the same must be given a pass.

• That any white, Christian and/or heterosexual person who is not a Democrat and who says anything that can be construed as racially or culturally insensitive must be removed from any public position (or even fired from a non-public position) as a result, but that any racial, sexual or religious minority can say anything about anyone in the majority and not be punished.

• That “Hispanic” is a race.

• That to present both sides of an issue for discussion is somehow “not journalism”, while only allowing the Democrat point of view to be presented is fair and balanced.

• That it is evil for insurance companies to make a profit from our health care, but any organization that interferes with the profits of the company that kills all the babies must be sued.
• That insurance companies must be forced to pay for your boob job or sex change operation, but they better not raise your rates as a result.

• That insurance companies are somehow responsible for health care costs being so high, and that substituting the government for the insurance companies will fix it.

• That forcing banks to loan money to people who cannot or will not repay it is somehow good for the economy, and that the banks that made the loans are wholly responsible for the predictable result.

• That a tax cheat is the perfect guy to be in charge of the Senate committee that writes tax law.

• That Muslims must be allowed to follow the tenets of their religion, including the right to kill people as their law allows, but that Christians who follow their religion are hateful and bigoted.

• That a black person who does not support affirmative action is not really black, despite the existence of Clarence Thomas.

• That a woman who does not support abortion is not really female, despite the existence of Sarah Palin.

• That a homosexual who escapes the homosexual lifestyle was never really homosexual in the first place, even though it’s supposedly a genetic thing.

• It’s a terrible evil that Dick Cheney got rich by running a corporation. Al Gore, however, is a saint.

• Public schools are terrible because we don’t pay teachers enough money, even though the places with the best paid teachers have the worst schools.

• That Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans, even though the flooding happened well after the storm had passed.

• That the Republican president at the time was totally responsible for the damage to New Orleans from Katrina, even though the damage occurred because the Democrat controlled state and local governments did not repair and properly maintain the levee that failed, then failed to plan and prepare for the storm while refusing federal help, then curled into the fetal position and refused to take any action during and after the storm, which hindered federal efforts to send help.

• That an organization that is willing and happy to help a pimp set up a whorehouse using underage illegal alien whores is worthy of funding by the federal government, but an organization that tries to talk pregnant girls out of abortions should be cut off from all federal funding.

• That non-citizens who are in this country illegally should be given free health care, paid for by the folks whose jobs they are taking.

• That killing a puppy or a kitten is a crime worthy of jail, but killing a baby is to be celebrated.

• That sworn enemies of this nation must not be killed or even made uncomfortable, but our elderly citizens and those that are in comas must be killed so that the rest of us are not made uncomfortable.

• That it is wrong to wiretap a terrorist’s phone, but it’s OK to publish information that allows the terrorists to avoid capture.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Florida court sets Atheist Holy Day

From my email,

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

From my email...

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.You know,

I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

300,000,001

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in email, but this one is important.

It has been circulating for months and have been sent to over 300 million people. We don't want to lose any names on the list. Please keep it going.

To show your support for Obama's health care reform,please go to the end of the list and add your name.

1. Nancy Pelosi
2.

The Empty Suit


Saturday, November 07, 2009

Revised Pelosi Health Care Plan Chart

Here's the flow chart for the revised House of Representatives Health Care bill of 6 November 2009.


Thursday, November 05, 2009

The Red Dot

From my email...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice for our computer problems!

I'm glad that is cleared up! It's always nice to learn about the traditions of other cultures. Ah, multi-culturalism!

Your Congress Critters in Action


House Minority Leader Lawrence F. Cafero Jr., R-Norwalk, pictured standing, far right, speaks while colleagues Rep. Barbara Lambert, D-Milford and Rep. Jack F. Hennessy, D-Bridgeport, play Solitaire Monday night as the House convened to vote on a new budget.

The guy sitting in the row in front of these two... he's on Facebook, and the guy behind Hennessy is checking out the baseball scores.

These assholes, elected by you and me, earn $174,000 yearly....and this is what they do for it!!!

My comment: at least they aren't voting on something important or chasing interns! I'd rather they waste their time doing this than making things worse.

Non illegitimus carborundum!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Generic Name for Viagra!

From my email (from someone with too much time on their hands...)

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Heh heh. The rest home should be a lot of fun by the time I get there!

Apple Does it again!

From my email...

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Haven't checked this on Snopes yet, but it sounds like a winner to me!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Pope Benedict

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb."Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job. What if something should happen?" protests the driver.

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 100 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh no, I'm going to lose my license and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio."I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 100 mph.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"

"Bigger."

"A senator?"

"Bigger."

"The Prime Minister?"

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

"I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

"His chauffeur is the Pope."

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Space Missions from Earth


Isn't this map cool? Click on it and enlarge it to see all of the space missions from Earth.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Darwin Awards!

From my email...

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed. Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies claiming they were not mad but had been picked up by the driver. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. An Arkansas man wanted some beer pretty badly so he decided he'd throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block hit the window, bounced back hitting the would-be thief on the head and knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on the stores CCTV.

8. As a female shopper left a New York store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the thief. They put him in the patrol car and drove him back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said that these weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away again.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near vomit and spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man had admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he pushed his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!

*** And They Breed ...... Be very afraid!!

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

What could possibly go wrong...


We're going to pass a health care plan written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes,with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's nearly broke.
What possibly could go wrong?

Friday, October 02, 2009

New Bill of Non-Rights

This is probably the best e-mail I've seen in a long, long time.. The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.. This guy should run for President one day...

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth.. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes ..

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair..

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job.. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage.. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

Old is Gold

From my email...

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 75). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response....

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Inmates running the asylum

from my email...



This should be read and understood by all Americans—Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!

To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature, it is now official—you are ALL corrupt morons:

The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775—you have had 234 years to get it right—and it is broke.

Social Security was established in 1935—you have had 74 years to get it right—and it is broke.
Fannie Mae was established in 1938—you have had 71 years to get it right—and it is broke.
War on Poverty started in 1964—you have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor"—and they only want more.
Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965—you have had 44 years to get it right—and they are broke.

Freddie Mac was established in 1970—you have had 39 years to get it right—and it is broke.

The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil, it has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before—you had 32 years to get it right—and it is an abysmal failure.

You have FAILED in every "government service" you have shoved down our throats while overspending our tax dollars—AND YOU WANT AMERICANS TO BELIEVE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED WITH A GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM??
Are you crazy, or do you just believe all Americans are morons too??? Truly, the inmates are running the asylum—and what does this say about us, as voters who put such idiots in office?? If we do not vote against EVERY incumbent currently in office—we are ALL morons, regardless of our political leanings.

Top Ten Puns

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too..

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain; they named him 'Juan'. The other went to family in Egypt and was named 'Ahmal'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good!) 'super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis'.

10. And finally... there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Politics in a nutshell

From my email...

Think about it. This couldn't be closer to the truth.

Conservative vs Liberal

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he feels that no one should have one.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life. If a liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders ho is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God or religion silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Senate Democrats (Baucus) Health Care Plan


Click on it to magnify...

All clear now, isn't it?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

You are a Californian if ...

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan stories, somebody had to come up with this, to know you're from California.

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember .. . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember .. . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

10. Gas costs a $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember .. . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Three Texas Blondes

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?' The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.'

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. 'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'

The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?' 'Yes! He only has one ear!'

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.' The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'

Wisdom - from the manual

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -- Infantry Journal

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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." --U.S. Air Force Manual

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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -- General MacArthur

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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.

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"Tracers work both ways." -- U.S. Army Ordnance

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"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -- - Infantry Journal

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"Any ship can be a minesweeper....Once."

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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -- Unknown Marine Recruit

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Clean it, if it's Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don't Mess with it, if it Works! -- USAF Electronic Technician

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"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." -- USAF - Ammo Troop

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"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -- Paul F. Crickmore ( test pilot )

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A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude: Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! -- USAF Navi-guesser

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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
However, it's probably unsafe in any case "

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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, You always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot fowls up, the pilot dies; If ATC fowls up, .... The pilot dies."

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" Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."

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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation. We never left one up there!"

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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked When it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don 't know, I just got here myself

Who to blame?

From my email --

If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, Your family blames the Tobacco company..

If your neighbor crashes Into a tree while driving home drunk, He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are Brats without manners, You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a Deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks Into the cockpit and Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, And the passengers Kill him instead, The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to Understand the world As it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to Blame Bill Gates.

Two faces...


xxx

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Ice Cream!

From my email --

We are worried about "the cow" when it is all about the "Ice Cream."

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president.. We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches. Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone applauded and he sat down.

Now it was Olivia's turn to speak. Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it. She didn't know. The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream.

Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream and 52 percent of the people reacted like nine year olds. They want ice cream. The other 48 percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess."

Remember: The government cannot give anything to anyone that they have not first taken away from someone else!

How do they survive?

From my email ---

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

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I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

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A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me . As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

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Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? Just use copier machine paper, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

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A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough... it's tougher if you're stupid!

Ronnie was the best!

'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.' -- Ronald Reagan 'The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' -- Ronald Reagan

'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' -- Ronald Reagan

'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.' -- Ronald Reagan

'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.' -- Ronald Reagan

'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' -- Ronald Reagan

'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other..' -- Ronald Reagan

'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.' -- Ronald Reagan

'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.' -- Ronald Reagan

'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.' -- Ronald Reagan

'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.' -- Ronald Reagan

'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.' -- Ronald Reagan

'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.' -- Ronald Reagan

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Will this ever happen in america?

From my email:

What would you say if I gave you 11 reasons why the elections in 2010 will be the most important in the history of the United States ?

1. What if I had told you in October 2008, before the last presidential election, that before Barack Obama's first 100 days in office, the federal government would be in control of both the mortgage and the banking industries? That 19 of America 's largest banks would be forced to undergo stress tests by the federal government which would determine if they were insufficiently capitalized, so they must be supervised by the government? Would you have said, "C'mon, that will never happen in America ."

2. What if I had told you that within Barack Obama's first 100 days in office the federal government would be the largest shareholder in the US Big-Three automakers: Ford, GM, and Chrysler? That the government would kick out the CEO's of these companies and appoint hand-picked executives with zero experience in the auto industry and that executive compensation would be determined, not by a Board of Directors, but by the government? Would you have said, "C'mon, that will never happen in America ."

3. What if I had told you that Barack Obama would appoint 32 Czars, without congressional approval, accountable only to him, not to the voters, who would have control over a wide range of US policy decisions. That there would be a Stimulus Accountability Czar, an Urban Czar, a Compensation Czar, an Iran Czar, an Auto Industry Czar,a Cyber Security Czar, an Energy Czar, a Bank Bailout Czar, and more than a dozen other government bureaucrats with unchecked regulatory powers over US domestic and foreign policy. Would you have said, "C'mon, that will never happen in America ."

4. What if I had told you that the federal deficit would be $915 billion in the first six months of the Obama presidency - with a projected annual deficit of $1.75 trillion - triple the $454.8 billion in 2008, for which the previous administration was highly criticized by Obama and his fellow Democrats. That Congress would pass Obama's $3.53 trillion federal budget for fiscal 2010. That the projected deficit over the next ten years would be greater than $10 trillion. Would you have said, "C'mon, that will never happen in America ."

5. What if I had told you that the Obama Justice Department would order FBI agents to read Miranda rights to high-value detainees captured on the battlefield and held at US military detention facilities in Afghanistan . That Obama would order the closing of the Guantanamo detention facility with no plan for the disposition of the 200-plus individuals held there. That several of the suspected terrorists at Guantanamo would be sent to live in freedom in Bermuda at the expense of the US government. That our returning US veterans would be labeled terrorists and put on a watch list. Would you have said, "C'mon, that will never happen in America ."

6. What if I had told you that the federal government would seek powers to seize key companies whose failures could jeopardize the financial system. That a new regulatory agency would be proposed by Obama to control loans, credit cards, mortgage-backed securities, and other financial products offered to the public. Would you have said, "C'mon, that will never happen in America ."

7. What if I had told you that Obama would travel to the Middle East , bow before the Saudi king, and repeatedly apologize for America 's past actions. That he would travel to Latin America where he would warmly greet Venezuela 's strongman Hugo Chavez and sit passively in the audience while Nicaraguan Marxist thug Daniel Ortega charged America with terrorist aggression in Central America . Would you have said, "C'mon, that will never happen in America ."

8. Okay, now what if I were to tell you that Obama wants to dismantle conservative talk radio through the imposition of a new "Fairness Doctrine." That he wants to curtail the First Amendment rights of those who may disagree with his policies via Internet blogs, cable news networks, or advocacy ads. That most major network television and most newspapers will only sing his phrases like state-run media in communist countries? Would you say, "C'mon, that will never happen in America ."

9. What if I were to tell you that the Obama Justice Department is doing everything it can to limit your Second Amendment rights to keep and bear arms. That the federal government wants to reinstate the so-called assault weapons ban which would prohibit the sale of any type of firearm that requires the shooter to pull the trigger every time a round is fired. That Obama's Attorney General wants to eliminate the sale of virtually all handguns and ammunition, which most citizens choose for self-defense. Would you say, "C'mon, that will never happen in America ."

10. What if I were to tell you that the Obama plan is to eliminate states rights guaranteed by the Tenth Amendment and give the federal government sweeping new powers over policies currently under the province of local and state governments and voted on by the people. That Obama plans to control the schools, energy production, the environment, health care, and the wealth of every US citizen. Would you say, "C'mon, that will never happen in America."

11. What if I were to tell you that the president, the courts, and he federal government have ignored the US Constitution and have seized powers which the founders of our country fought to restrict. That our last presidential election may have been our last truly free election for some time to come. That our next presidential election may look similar to the one recently held in Iran. (And maybe under review by ACORN.) I know, I know what you will say. That will never happen in America.