Friday, July 07, 2017

Friday, June 23, 2017

Eating in the 1950s

EATING IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented. It was macaroni or spaghetti.

Curry was a surname.

Taco? Never saw one till I was 15.

Pizza? Sounds like a leaning tower somewhere.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All chips were plain.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking .

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Chickens didn't have fingers in those days.

None of us had ever heard of yogurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible!

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

'Kebab' was not even a word, never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal and stewed.

Surprisingly Muesli was readily available. It was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks or were round with a hole in the middle, in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than gasoline for it, they would have become a laughing stock.

There were three things that we never ever had on/at our table in the fifties ... elbows, hats and cell phones!

.........and there were always two choices for each meal..."Take it" or "Leave it"

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

How to Start a Fight

From my email - thanks, Helen:



HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________ __

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
______________________________ __

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
______________________________ _

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.....
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
______________________________ __

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
______________________________ __

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.  


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

When we Weren't Politically Correct

From my email - thanks, Helen!

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER 


Hollywood Squares:
 
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
 

Q.. 
Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? 

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
 

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
 

Q
. Do female frogs croak? 

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under
 water long enough. 

Q. 
If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be 

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 

Q.
 True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... 

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
 

Q.
 You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? 

A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 

Q. 
According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? 

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
 

Q.
 Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? 

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
 

Q.
 In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? 

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
 

Q.
 What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? 

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
 

Q.
 As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? 

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
 

Q.
 Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 

Q..
 Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 

Q.
 In bowling, what's a perfect score? 

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
 

Q. 
It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other? 

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
 

Q.
 During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
 

Q.
 Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? 

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
 

Q.
 When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? 

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
 

Q.
 If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
 

Q.
 According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? 

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
 

Q.
 It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? 

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
 

Q. 
Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? 

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
 

Q.
 Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? 

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 

Q. 
When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? 

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
 

Q.
 Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? 

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
 

Q.
 According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? 

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
 

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
 
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

Saturday, May 27, 2017

The Terror Emergency Plan



It's probably not over...just sayin'

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Prayers for Jim

From my email, where do my correspondents get these things?

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.|
 A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.”

“Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?” the pastor prompted.

“Two months ago,” she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, “my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She went on, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, “I’m Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!


Monday, May 22, 2017

Some of these puns are funny...

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40."

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. 

It's shift work.

Wife says to her husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

What's ET short for? He's only got little legs.

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.


I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Worst Day of His Life

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.

The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”The next day grandpa died.

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died. “Holy Moly”, thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day. He had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so
instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day?  You’ll never believe what happened to me this morning.  My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.”

Thursday, April 06, 2017

She's Single and Shapely...

She’s single, She’s shapely.
She’s beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?”
I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
Being a senior citizen really sucks!

Monday, April 03, 2017

Ruth's Shower Picture

My friend Ruth posted this on Facebook:

DO NOT, AND I REPEAT, DO NOT call, text or inbox me about what somebody else is saying about me or doing! 

I already know that my ex posted a naked picture of ME in the shower. 

NEWSFLASH!! I DON'T CARE!! 

I'm not ashamed of my body, because HECK I looked good for a plus sized chick in her 30s! 

So that you won't have to go searching or tag me, I will post the picture in the comment section my darn self! (scroll down)

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, HE'LL NEVER HURT ME OR MY REPUTATION, AT ALL!
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Saturday, April 01, 2017

Monday, March 27, 2017

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

When Will We Learn?

How many more times do we have to go through this before we learn how to deal with it?


Monday, March 20, 2017

Monday, March 13, 2017

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Latest Health Care News

From my Facebook feed...

The Medical Community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with the health insurance situation:

Here is the latest health care news..

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.


Monday, February 27, 2017

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Are You Older Than Dirt?

Take this quiz...


I got 18 of 19 (I don't recall P>F> Flyers)...I'm OLDER THAN DIRT and happy to be able to remember these things.

Friday, January 20, 2017

The Crow Problem...

No one made you to keep reading….

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

The Land That Made Me, Me

This has been around for a long time, but it explains al ot about folks like me born in the early 1940s:

==============================================

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin', and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice..

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

T-Birds came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.

They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

==========================================


If you didn't grow up in the fiftys, You missed the greatest time in history,

Hope you enjoyed this read as much as I did.  If So, PLEASE FORWARD this note to
someone who will appreciate these memories...

Tuesday, January 03, 2017

Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution

From the Singularity Summit:
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper worldwide.
Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they went bankrupt.What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10 years and, most people won’t see it coming.
Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on film again?
Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975. The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore’s law. So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a time, before it became way superior and became mainstream in only a few short years.
It will now happen again with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture, and jobs. Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution. Welcome to the Exponential Age.

Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.
  • Uber is just a software tool, they don’t own any cars, and are now the biggest taxi company in the world.
  • Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don’t own any properties.
  • Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in understanding the world. This year, a computer beat the best Go-player in the world, 10 years earlier than expected.
  • In the US , young lawyers already don’t get jobs. Because of IBM’s Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for more or less basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy when done by humans.  So if you study law, stop immediately. There will be 90% fewer lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.
  • Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, its 4 times more accurate than human nurses.
  • Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces better than humans. In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.
  • Autonomous cars : In 2018 the first self driving cars will appear for the public. Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted. You don’t want to own a car anymore. You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and drive you to your destination. You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can be productive while driving.  Our kids will never get a driver’s licence and will never own a car.  It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less cars for that. We can transform former parking spaces into parks.  1.2 million people die each year in car accidents worldwide. We now have one accident every 60,000 miles (100,000 km), with autonomous driving that will drop to 1 accident in 6 million miles (10 million km). That will save a million lives each year.  Most car companies will probably become bankrupt. Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.  Many engineers from Volkswagen and Audi are completely terrified of Tesla.  Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents, the insurance will become 100x cheaper. Their car insurance business model will disappear.
  • Real estate will change. Because if you can work while you commute, people will move further away to live in a more beautiful neighborhood.
  • Electric cars will become mainstream about 2020. Cities will be less noisy because all new cars will run on electricity.
  • Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean: Solar production has been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can now see the burgeoning impact.  Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil. Energy companies are desperately trying to limit access to the grid to prevent competition from home solar installations, but that can’t last. Technology will take care of that strategy.  With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water.   Desalination of salt water now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter (@ 0.25 cents). We don’t have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking water. Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he wants, for nearly no cost.
  • Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year. There are companies who will build a medical device (called the “Tricorder” from Star Trek) that works with your phone, which takes your retina scan, your blood sample and you breath into it.  It then analyses 54 bio-markers that will identify nearly any disease.. It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have access to world class medical analysis, nearly for free.  Goodbye, medical establishment.
  • 3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from $18,000 to $400 within 10 years. In the same time, it became 100 times faster. All major shoe companies have already started 3D printing shoes.  Some spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports. The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large amount of spare parts they used to have in the past.  At the end of this year, new smart phones will have 3D scanning possibilities. You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home.  In China, they already 3D printed and built a complete 6-story office building. By 2027, 10% of everything that’s being produced will be 3D printed.
  • Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, first ask yourself: “In the future, do I think we will have that?” and if the answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner?  If it doesn’t work with your phone, forget the idea. And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed to failure in the 21st century.
  • Work : 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years. There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be enough new jobs in such a short time. This will require a rethink on wealth distribution.
  • Agriculture : There will be a $100 agricultural robot in the future. Farmers in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field instead of working all day on their fields.  Aeroponics will need much less water. The first Petri dish produced veal, is now available and will be cheaper than cow produced veal in 2018. Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows. Imagine if we don’t need that space anymore.There are several start-ups who will bring insect protein to the market shortly. It contains more protein than meat. It will be labelled as “alternative protein source” (because most people still reject the idea of eating insects).There is an app called “moodies” which can already tell in which mood you’re in. By 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions, if you are lying. Imagine a political debate where it’s being displayed when they’re telling the truth and when they’re not.