Good Advice From Louie (Age 72)

 Here’s 34 things I’ve learned that I hope help you in your journey:

1. It’s usually better to be nice than right.
2. Nothing worthwhile comes easy. 
3. Work on a passion project, even just 30 minutes a day. It compounds.
4. Become a lifelong learner (best tip).
5. Working from 7am to 7pm isn’t productivity. It’s guilt.
6. To be really successful become useful.
7. Like houses in need of repair, problems usually don’t fix themselves.
8. Envy is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die.
9. Don’t hold onto your “great idea” until it’s too late.
10. People aren’t thinking about you as much as you think. 
11. Being grateful is a cheat sheet for happiness. (Especially today.)
12. Write your life plan with a pencil that has an eraser. 
13. Choose your own path or someone will choose it for you.
14. Never say, I’ll never…
15. Not all advice is created equal.
16. Be the first one to smile.
17. The expense of something special is forgotten quickly. The experience lasts a lifetime. Do it.
18. Don’t say something to yourself that you wouldn’t say to someone else. 
19. It’s not how much money you make. It’s how much you take home.
20. Feeling good is better than that “third” slice of pizza.
21. Who you become is more important than what you accomplish. 
22. Nobody gets to their death bed and says, I’m sorry for trying so many things.
23. There are always going to be obstacles in your life. Especially if you go after big things.
24. The emptiest head rattles the loudest.
25. If you don’t let some things go, they eat you alive.
26. Try to spend 12 minutes a day in quiet reflection, meditation, or prayer.
27. Try new things. If it doesn’t work out, stop. At least you tried.
28. NEVER criticize, blame, or complain.  
29. You can’t control everything. Focus on what you can control.
30. If you think you have it tough, look around.
31. It’s only over when you say it is.
32. One hand washes the other and together they get clean. Help someone else.
33. Pobody's Nerfect
34. I'll Believe It When I See It.

If you’re lucky enough to get up to my age, the view becomes more clear. It may seem like nothing good is happening to you, or just the opposite. Both will probably change over time. 

We Live in a Bizarre World...

Thank you, Bill:

We are living in a Bizarre World

If a mentally-ill dude pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him.

It’s un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.

Russians influencing our elections are bad, but Mexicans voting in our elections are good.

It was cool for Joe Biden to blackmail the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if Donald Trump inquires about it.

Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.

It’s wrong to steal, but it’s cool to demand that the government steal for you.

Citizens are fined if they don’t buy their own health insurance, and then they are forced to buy it for illegals.

People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves.

People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for useless degrees.

Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.

Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate Central-American gang-banger who jumps the southern fence is welcome.

We demand that the government be in control of our health care, but then we are outraged when the government makes our health care decisions.

$5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for “free” health care for illegals is not.

If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.

People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.

It’s terrible when the President says that Puerto Rico’s politicians are corrupt, but it’s wonderful when Puerto Rico’s politicians are kicked out of office for corruption.

We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, and it seems like a great plan to us.

Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.

Paraprosdokians

From my cousin...

PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected - frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Zen Teachings

From my email, thanks, Helen:

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.

In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.  No one is listening until you fart.

4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12.  Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.

13.  Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.  Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16.  There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.   Neither one works.

17.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19.  We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass.  Then things just keep getting worse.

20.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Handy and Useful Latin Phrases

From my email:

Ad eundum quo nemo ante it.
To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Age. Fac ut gaudeam. Go ahead. Make my day.

Alanis horribulus.That singer has too damn many personal issues.

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

(At a barbeque)

Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let’s all wear mood rings!

Aquaductus non diuresis!
Don’t pee in the pool!

Atque memento, nulli adsunt Romanorum qui locutionem tuam corrigant.
And remember, there aren’t any Romans around to correct your pronunciation.

Auda similarum ad seattles.
They all sound just like Pearl Jam.

Aut discere aut disce.
Either learn or leave.

Bibere humanum est, ergo bibamus.
To drink is human, let us therefore drink.

Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus.
Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.

Boobi falsetti starrius.
Sugar, if ya wanna be a star, you’re gonna have to do something about that bustline.

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you’d be chained to an oar.

Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.

Carpe Ductum
Seize the Tape!

Carpe trojana!
Grab the condoms!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Cave Canem!
Beware of Dog.

Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
If I were you, I wouldn’t walk in front of any catapults.

Clamo, clamatis, omnes clamamus pro glace lactis.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.

Cogito, ergo doleo.
I think, therefore I am depressed.

Cogito, ergo sum.
I think, therefore I am.

Cogito sumere potum alterum.
I think I¹ll have another drink.

Coitus cyber-interruptus.
AOL problems while chatting with a hot babe on the Net.

Corruptisima republica plurimae leges.
The more corrupt a republic, the more laws.

Credo Elvem etiam vivere.
I believe Elvis lives.

Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.
I think we’re on the same wavelength.

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

De comedius non listus nomis uricani.
In matters of comedy, there can be no hurricane name lists.

De gustibus non est disputandum.
You mean you actually like chitlins?

De mortuis nil nisi boner.
Say nothing but good of the impotent.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Dictum ad tua mater.
Word to your mother!

Dictum, factum.
Said and done.

Die dulci fruere.
Have a nice day.

Diem perdidi!
I have lost a day! (Especially true on Friday!)

Domino vobiscum.
The pizza guy’s here.

Duc, sequere, aut de via decede.
Lead, follow, or get out of the way
.
Dumbassus! Hottie iste transvestitus!Fool! That gorgeous woman is a crossdresser!

E Pluribus Tupac.
Rap is everywhere.

Erectionus finalum.
Anna Nicole Smith is here, Gramps.

Es debilem vinculum, vale!
You’re the weakest link, goodbye!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Et tu, Bubba?
Would you like fries with that, Mr. President?

Et tu, pluribus unum?
The government just stabbed me in the back!

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Bad kitty! Why don’t you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Furnulum pani nolo.
I don’t want a toaster.

Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.

Habetis bona deum.
Have a nice day.

Herpescum Dolores Es?
Have You Been Tested Recently?

Heu, modo itera omnia quae mihi nunc nuper narravisti, sed nunc Anglice?
Listen, would you repeat everything you just told me, only this time say it in English?

Hoc induto est fundus permagnusn?
Does my bum look big in this?

Hoc nomen meum verum non est.
This isn¹t my real name.

Hoc tempore non possum colloqui, sum in curru.
I can’t talk now, I’m on a train.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Hodie adsit, cras absit.
Here today, gone tomorrow.

Id est mihi, id non est tibi!
It is mine, not yours!

Id legi modo hic modo illic. Vero, Latine loqui non est difficilissimum.
I picked it up here and there. Really, Latin isn’t all that hard.

Id quot circumiret, circumveniat.
What goes around, comes around.

Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat.
Yeah, where *do* I want to go today??

Il guyus nissanem iste ickye.
That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.

Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can’t say that in Latin.

Imus ad magum Ozi videndum, magum Ozi mirum mirissimum.
We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.

In vino veni.
(You figure this one out yerself.)

In vino, veritas.
“Have another drink, senator.”

Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan’s Island

Ita erat quando hic adveni.
It was that way when I got here.

Labera lege…
Read my lips…

Lagunculae leydianae non accedunt.
Batteries not included.

Lege atque lacrima.
Read ‘em and weep.

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Lingua speciem involutam praebet, sed sat cito eam comprehendes.
It looks like a tricky language, but you’ll get the hang of it pretty quickly.

Log floggit cum palma folliculus.
If you don’t stop it, you’ll go blind.

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Magnus frater spectat te…
Big Brother is watching you….

Mater tua criceta fuit, et pater tuo redoluit bacarum sambucus.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Me transmitte sursum, Caledoni!
Beam me up, Scotty!

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I’m home.

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I’ve got to see a man about a dog.

Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum.
A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.

Modo fac.
Just do it.

Monstra mihi pecuniam!
Show me the money!

Motorolus interruptus.
Hold on, I’m going into a tunnel.

Muertes impendum pro saxophones.
Kenny G. must die.

Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don’t you dare erase my hard disk!

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I’m not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Nihil declaro.
I have nothing to declare.

Nihil est–in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That’s nothing–in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

No Quid Pro Quo.
I’m Sorry, We’re All Out of Quid.

Noli Intrare
Keep Out

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.
Don’t call me, I’ll call you.

Noli nothis permittere te terere.
Don¹t let the bastards get you down.

Noli Perturbare
Do Not Disturb

Nolo Contendere.
Hillary, you’re on your own.

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

Non sum pisces.
I am not a fish.

Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus.
Remove foil before microwaving.

(At a poetry reading) 

Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn’t rhyme. ….

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don’t care. If it doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t a poem.

Numquam solus ambulabatis.
You’ll never walk alone.

Nunc est bibendum.
Now is the time for drinking.

Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus.
It’s Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.

Nupperinme de Gallia huc volavi! Mehercule, bracchia mea defatiga sunt!
I just flew in from Gaul, and boy, are my arms tired!

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Phy! Fabulae!
Bah! Humbug!

Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.
You do not know the power of the dark side.

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
Garbage in, garbage out.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Quaeso esto meus vicinus.
Please won’t you be my neighbor.

Qualem muleirculam!
What a bimbo!

Qualem blennum!
What a doofus!

Quando omni flunkus (?) moritati.
When all else fails, play dead.

Quanti canicule ille in finestere?
How much is that doggie in the window?

Quantum in ura hora imputas?
You charge how much an hour?

Quid? Me anxius sum?
What? Me worry?

Quis fuit ille personatus?
Who was that masked man?

Quo signo nata es?
What’s your sign?

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?

Radix lecti
Couch potato

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.
Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Revelare Pecunia!
Show Me The Money!

Revera linguam latinam vix cognovi.
I don¹t really know all that much Latin.

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

Sane, paululum linguae Latinae dico.
Sure, I speak a little Latin.

Semper ubi sub ubi.
Always wear underwear. (So incorrect it’s funny…)

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Sharpei diem.
Sieze the Wrinkle Dog.

Si Archibus Omnibus come, ego vometo.
If I eat an Arch Deluxe, I’ll puke.

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes.
If you can read this, you have to much education.

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

Si non vittet, accuittere debetis.
If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

Si tu id aeficas, ei venient. Ager Somnia
If you build it, they will come. Field of Dreams

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Sic friatur crustulum.
Thus, the cookie crumbles.

Sic semper tyrannus.
Your dinosaur is ill.

Sit vis nobiscum.
May the force be with you.

Sola lingua bona est lingua mortua.
The only good language is a dead language.

Solum potestis prohibere ignes silvarum.
Only you can prevent forest fires.

Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we’ll still be friends.

Stultus est sicut stultus facit.
Stupid is as stupid does.

Sum, ergo edo.
I am, therefore I eat.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Tauri in decurso
Bulls on parade

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Tempo fugit.
I drove my Ford off a bridge.

Tempus incognitum.
Time unknown.

Tempis Macarena Fugit.
Time flies when you’re doing the Macarena.

Tibi Gratiad Agimus Quod Nihil Fumas
Thank you for not smoking

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Tua mater gartet excitos calcios.
Your mom wears army boots.

Ubi est mea anaticula cumminosa?
Where’s my rubber ducky?

Uno viso, omnia visa sunt.
Seen one, seen ‘em all.

Ut si!
As if!

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Vacca foeda!
Stupid cow!

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

Veni, vidi, Pesci.
I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.

Veni, veni, veni!
I came, I came, I came!

Veni Vedi Velcro.
I came. I saw. I stuck around.

Veni, vedi, vichy.
I came, I saw, I capitulated to the Germans.

Veni, Vedi, Visa.
I came, I saw, I bought it!

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
Seen any good movies lately?

Viri sunt Viri.
Men are slime.

Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.

Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra.
I’d like to buy some condoms.

Wal*mart. Semper.
Wal*mart. Always.

Willum fibium comum tupeum.
Clinton lies like a rug!

The Seven Dwarfs

Fatuus
Dopey

Medicullus
Doc

Severus
Grumpy

Beatus
Happy

Somniculosus
Sleepy

Verecundus
Bashful

Sternuens
Sneezy

The Crabby Old Man

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in Grass Valley CA. It was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. 

The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

The Crabby Old Man...

What do you see nurses? . . ... . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . When you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . .. . . . Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .... . . . . With faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . .. . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice .. .. . .... . The things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . .. . .. . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . .... . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . .. . You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . .... . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . .. . As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .. . . .. With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . .. ... .. Who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. With wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . ... A lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . .. My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . That I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . .... . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other .. . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . ... . . Have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . To see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children .. . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . Shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . .... . . . Young of their own.
And I think of the years .. . . .. . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . ..... And nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . . Look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . Grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . My battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . ... . Life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . ... Gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . .. . . That nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . ... . Open and see.
Not a crabby old man . ... . . Look closer . .. . See ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.

Some Great Truths

From my email (thanks, Helen!):

1.  In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams

2.  If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

-- Mark Twain

3.  Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

4.  I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

-- Winston Churchill

5.  A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6.  A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7.  Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8.  Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9.  Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10.  Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

11.  Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12.  I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

13.  If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

-- P.J. O'Rourke

14.  In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

-- Voltaire (1764)

15.  Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16.  No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

-- Mark Twain (1866)

17.  Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

-- Anonymous

18.  The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

19.  The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

20.  The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

21.  The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22.  There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.

-- Mark Twain

23.  What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24.  A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

-- Thomas Jefferson

25.  We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

-- Aesop

FIVE BEST SENTENCES

1.  You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.

2.  What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

3.  The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4.  You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5.  When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

 

Paraprosdakians

Cousin Bonnie contributed this:

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."  "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy! 

 1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom:  "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."  ~ Jon Hammond

Quotes about Economics and Politics

* Only two types believe in socialism: the rich who can afford the luxury and the poor who naively believe the Utopian dream.

* “In my wildest dreams I never thought it would work this well.”~Joe Biden speaking of the stimulus.

* Taxation with representation ain't so hot either. ~Gerald Barzan

* "The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants." --Albert Camus.

* I don`t believe in a government that protects us from ourselves.~Ronald Reagan

* "A lie told often enough becomes truth" ~Vladimir Lenin

* You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man's initiative and independence.~Abraham Lincoln

Profound Statements

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle . -- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.-- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have, including your guns. Be afraid. Be very afraid of big government. -- Thomas Jefferson

A Lick and a Promise

'I'll just give this a lick and a promise,' my mother said as she quickly mopped up a spill on the floor without moving any of the furniture.

'What is that supposed to mean,' I asked as in my young mind I envisioned someone licking the floor with his or her tongue.

'It means that I'm in a hurry and I'm busy canning tomatoes so I am going to just give it a lick with the mop and promise to come back and do the job right later.

'A lick and a promise' was just one of the many old phrases that our mothers, grandmothers, and others used that they probably heard from the generations before them. With the passing of time, many old phrases become obsolete or even disappear. This is unfortunate because some of them are very appropriate and humorous. Here is a list of some of those memorable old phrases:

1. A Bone to Pick (someone who wants to discuss a disagreement)

2. An Axe to Grind (Someone who has a hidden motive. This phrase is said to have originated from Benjamin Franklin who told a story about a devious man who asked how a grinding wheel worked. He ended up walking away with his axe sharpened free of charge)

3. One bad apple spoils the whole barrel (one corrupt person can cause all the others to go bad if you don't remove the bad one)

4. At sea (lost or not understanding something)

5. Bad Egg (Someone who was not a good person)

6. Barking at a knot (meaning that your efforts were as useless as a dog barking at a knot.)

7. Barking up the wrong tree (talking about something that was completely the wrong issue with the wrong person)

8. Bee in your bonnet (To have an idea that won't let loose )

9. Been through the mill (had a rough time of it)

10. Between hay and grass (Not a child or an adult)

11. Blinky (Between sweet and sour as in milk)

12. Calaboose (a jail)

13. Catawampus (Something that sits crooked such as a piece of furniture sitting at an angle)

14. Dicker (To barter or trade)

15. Feather in Your Cap (to accomplish a goal. This came from years ago in wartime when warriors might receive a feather they would put in their cap for defeating an enemy)

16. Hold your horses (Be patient!)

17. Hoosegow ( a jail)

18. I reckon (I suppose)

19. Jawing/Jawboning (Talking or arguing)

20. Kit and caboodle (The whole thing)

21. Madder than an wet hen (really angry)

22. Needs taken down a notch or two (like notches in a belt usually a young person who thinks too highly of himself and needs a lesson)

23. No Spring Chicken (Not young anymore)

24. Persnickety (overly particular or snobbish)

25. Pert-near (short for pretty near)

26. Pretty is as pretty does (your actions are more important than your looks)

27. Red up (clean the house)

28. Scalawag (a rascal or unprincipled person)

29. Scarce as hen's teeth (something difficult to obtain)

30. Skedaddle (Get out of here quickly)

31. Sparking (courting)

32. Straight From the Horse's Mouth (privileged information from the one concerned)

33. Stringing around, gallivanting around, or piddling (Not doing anything of value)

34. Sunday go to meetin' dress (The best dress you had)

35. We wash up real fine (is another goodie)

36. Tie the Knot (to get married)

37. Too many irons in the fire (to be involved in too many things)

38. Tuckered out (tired and all worn out)

39. Under the weather (not feeling well this term came from going below deck on ships due to sea sickness thus you go below or under the weather)

40.Wearing your 'best bib and tucker' (Being all dressed up)

41. You ain't the only duck in the pond (It's not all about you)

Well, if you hold your horses, I reckon I'll get this whole kit and caboodle done and sent off to you. Please don't be too persnickety and get a bee in your bonnet because I've been pretty tuckered out and at sea lately because I'm no spring chicken. I haven't been just stringin' around and I know I'm not the only duck in the pond, but I do have too many irons in the fire. I might just be barking at a knot, but I have tried to give this article more than just A LICK & A PROMISE!