The Cost and Benefits of Having Children

 I received this in email back in 2006, so the cost is outdated, but the thoughts still apply:

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:

* $8,896.66 a year,
* $741.38 a month, or
* $171.08 a week.
* That's a mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to:

* finger-paint,
* carve pumpkins,
* play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, and
* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:

* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
* watching Saturday morning cartoons,
* going to Disney movies, and
* wishing on star's.

You get to:

* frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets
* collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,
* receive hand prints set in clay or Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:

* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and
* coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the:

* first step,
* first word,
* first day of school
* first bra,
* first date, and
* first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits,

So, one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!

Love & enjoy your children and grandchildren!

The Meaning of Love

 What does love means to 4-8 year old kids??

Slow down for three minutes to read this.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader, deeper, and more profound than anyone could have ever imagined !

'When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.' Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image) Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross..' Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8

And the final one: The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

Now, take 60 seconds and Post this for others to see. And then be a child again today!

Those Were the Days ...

Are You Smarter Than a Four Year Old?

This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing OK.  If you get none right you’d better go for counseling. (I’ll meet you  there.)

Before you check the answers, stop and think about it and decide on your answer.

There are four test questions:

Giraffe  Test

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Elephant Test

2.   How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Lion King Test

3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference.  All the animals attend … except one.

Which animal does not attend?

Crocodile Test

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage to cross the river?

 Answers after the break…

Quiz Answers

 1. Giraffe  Test

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Correct Answer:Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2.   Elephant Test

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: 
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. 
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. Lion King Test

The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference.  All the animals attend … except one.
Which animal does not attend?

Correct  Answer: 
The  Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.  You just put him in there.  This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. Crocodile Test 

There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage to cross the river?

Correct  Answer: 
You jump into the river and swim across.  Haven’t you been listening?   All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.  

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

This conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

Dad's Safe Cubicle

What a fantastic idea!

It probably works for grandpas too!!!

Mounds and Almond Joy

Cute picture:

My favorite animal...

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much. I do, too; especially chicken and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again..

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.  I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now..?

Little Johnny Knows How to Sell!

From my email, thanks Helen:

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!' Then I would say, 'It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?' I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart.

What Little Boys Know ...

1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3) A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10) Certain Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12) Super glue is forever.

13) No matter how much jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14) Pool filters do not like jelly.

15) VCR’s do not eject peanut butter & jelly sandwiches even though TV ads show they do.

16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20) The fire department has a 5-minute response time.

21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 

22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Chuckle of the Day

Your Chuckle For Today 
 The Candy With The Little Hole 
This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids. 

The children began to identify the flavors by their color: 
Red....................Cherry 
Yellow................Lemon 
Green..................Lime 
Orange ..............Orange 

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste. 

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes! 

The teacher had to leave the room

"Think Before You Speak" is a good idea...

From my email - thanks, Helen!

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!  Have you ever spoken and wished that 
you could immediately take the words back... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: 

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' 

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. 

My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: 

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.  After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. 

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 

'I think I like playing with men's balls' 

THIRD TESTIMONY: 

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' 

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. 

To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 

FOURTH TESTIMONY: 

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. 

I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 

'If you don't let me go right now, 

I will tell Grandma that I saw you 

kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' 

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. 

FIFTH TESTIMONY: 

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 

'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' 

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. 

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: 

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you 

promised me last night?' 

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! 

Kids Knowledge about Oceans and Seafood

From my email - thanks, Helen!

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes
when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy,age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to
chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is  very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so
they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish.  Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
(Bobby, age 6) 

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

No Parent Left Behind?

From my email - thanks, Helen:

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district ....

Spellings have been left intact...  

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him. 

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.  

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.  

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.   He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had  diahre   dyrea   direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.  There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

My favorite animal

From my email ...

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.  I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

Ice Cream is good for the soul...

From my email...

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is great and God is Good. Let us thank Him for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!”

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? is God mad at me?” As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.” “Really?” my son asked. “Cross my heart.”

Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already.” ~Author Unknown

Mrs. Geezer loves this story. After reading it she told me that I should learn to 'chill out' and eat a little more ice cream. I wonder what she meant by that? Oh well... I think I'll take a break and go have a bowl of ice cream. My favorite flavor is chocolate chip. What yours?

Some new funnies...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’

___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

___________________________________________

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said,

‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’

‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and Then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’

The agent replies, ‘Just a minute’

‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’

___________________________________________

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe: ‘Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance…

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

What is a Grandparent?

From  my email...

If you are not a grandparent you will still love this. If you are it shows how precious the babies are and what we mean to them.


What is a grandparent?  (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog...