Saturday, December 15, 2012

Did Prince Philip Fart?


Did Philip Fart?

What do you think?



The expressions are priceless!

 Look at the Queen's face!

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

Saturday, December 08, 2012

More Smiles

From my email ... thanks, Helen:

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' 


Pest Control


A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
 


'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
 
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!
 '

--------------------------------------------------


Marriage Humor 


Wife: 
'What are you doing?' 

Husband: 
Nothing.

Wife: 
'Nothing
 . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 
'I was looking for the expiration date.' 


-------------------------------------------------------- 

Wife 
: 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 
'Sure! What are my choices?' 


Wife: 
'Yes or no.' 

-------------------------------------------------------- 
Stress Reliever
 


Girl: 
'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 
'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 
'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' 

--------------------------------------------------- 


Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 
'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 
'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________ 

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' 

------------------------------------------------------------ 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 


He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!' 


-----------------------------------------------------


Husbands are husbands 


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.


The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.


The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'


The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.


Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.


Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Smiles for Today

From my email ... thanks, Helen:

Rubbing

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


==========================


Lemon Squeeze


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'


The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


=========================


Catholic Dog


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


===========================


Donation


Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

 
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'
 


=======================

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'


Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .
. . . I'm telling everybody!'

Saturday, November 24, 2012

The Philosophy Professor


A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

"Think Before You Speak" is a good idea...

From my email - thanks, Helen!


Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!  Have you ever spoken and wished that 
you could immediately take the words back... Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: 
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' 

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. 
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY: 
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.  After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. 

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 
'I think I like playing with men's balls' 

THIRD TESTIMONY: 
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' 

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. 
To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 

FOURTH TESTIMONY: 
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. 

I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 
'If you don't let me go right now, 
I will tell Grandma that I saw you 
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' 

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. 

FIFTH TESTIMONY: 
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 

'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' 


While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. 

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: 
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you 
promised me last night?' 

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Blonde Men's Jokes

How can this be?  There are jokes about blonde men?  Thanks, Helen!


A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not
the 13th." 
-----------------------------------

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to takethem to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do.... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine." 
-----------------------------

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet." 
------------------------------------

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
-----------------------------------

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" 

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!" 
------------------------------------

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------

A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
-----------------------------------

A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.  "Hanging myself," the blonde replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe." 
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.) An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

More Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervixo."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a oProctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a oMaternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

Friday, August 31, 2012

Interesting Bits and Pieces

From my email:

1. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the  right side of your mouth.     If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

2. To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers.

3. Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

4. Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.

5.  People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

6. Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

7. Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.


8. Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

9. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!


10. Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.


11. The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.


12. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

13. It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times! Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

14. Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.


15. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.


16. Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

17. Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

18. Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

19. The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new  year.

20. Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

21. Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

22. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

23. Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

24. The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

25. Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

26. The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

27. The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

28. In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

29. Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

30. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

31. A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

32. The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

33. Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

34. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

35. If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.


36. When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

37. In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

38. Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

39. Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

40. The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

41. The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

42. Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

43. Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

44. Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

45. Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.  For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

46. The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

 And last but not least:

47. In 2012, December has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!  This is called 'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Kids Knowledge about Oceans and Seafood


From my email - thanks, Helen!

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes
when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy,age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to
chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is  very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so
they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish.  Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
(Bobby, age 6) 
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Monday, August 27, 2012

No Parent Left Behind?

From my email - thanks, Helen:

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district ....

Spellings have been left intact...  


1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him. 


2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.  


3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.  


6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.   He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had  diahre   dyrea   direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.  There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Friday, August 24, 2012

The Labrador Retriever

From my email:

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!" 

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry. 

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there." 

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana.  With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. 

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" "Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color." 
 
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. 

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads. 

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?" 

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"


Monday, August 06, 2012

Cosmic Laws

 Law of Mechanical RepairAfter your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee... 

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you impatiently change lines, when standing, or traffic lanes, while driving, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you  moved to....(works every time)

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Bio-MechanicsThe severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater &Hockey Arena - At any given event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the restroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the  game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Olivers Law of Public Speaking - A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product  that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. 

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Seven Dollar Sex!!


From my email...


A  sweet old couple, both well into their 70′s, go to a sex therapist’s office.


The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’


The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual  intercourse?’


The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.  When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’


He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye.


The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.


This happens several weeks in a row.


The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,  ‘I’m sorry, but I  have to ask.  Just what are you trying to find out?’


The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.   She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.  I’m  married; and we can’t go to my house.   The Holiday Inn  charges $98.  The Hilton charges $139.  We do  it here for $50, and  Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net  cost of $7. 


Don’t  you just love those Government Entitlement programs!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

My dog

From my email...

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.  
He can eat whenever he wants.  His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again 
during the year if any medical needs arise.  For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.


He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.  
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.  He receives these accommodations absolutely free.


He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.  All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.


I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.  I think my dog is a member of Congress!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Shot in the head...

 Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and  while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.  Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with  the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.  He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

Monday, July 09, 2012

At the marriage counselor

 After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for marriage counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet Needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf."

Saturday, July 07, 2012

Who knew Viagra was a pain killer?

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give me a shot of Novocain.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles!" I said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and I object. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks me if have any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," I said. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

I said, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth.”