Saturday, January 24, 2009

Boys will be boys

Check these prices --

When I was a boy in the 1950's, one of the big treats was to go downtown to Woolworth's sit at the lunch counter and order lunch.

Check out these prices:

A fantastic baked ham sandwich for 40 cents.

A 3-scoop banana split for 39 cents.

A king-size coke for 10 cents.

In 2009, 50 years later, that meal costs about $12 at a delicatessen, and more at a sit-down restaurant.

Those were the good old days, eh?

Friday, January 23, 2009

All 185 Beatles Songs

This web site has listed all 185 songs created by The Beatles - in the order of popularity according to the writer. There are links to each song that provide some background about the genesis and execution of the song.

It's an interesting list. I was a big Beatles fan in the 1964-1967 time frame, then they lost me with the hippie/drug culture songs. That wasn't me.

My list would be different. I haven't heard quite a few of the ones on the list because they were after my "time."

Ice Cream and Elections

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president.

We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches. Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Every one applauded. He sat down and Olivia came to the podium.

Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The class went wild.

"Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it. She didn't know. The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream.

Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a landslide.

Every time Barack Obama opens his mouth he offers ice cream, fifty percent of the people react like nine year olds. They want ice cream.

The other fifty percent know they're going to have to feed the cow and clean up the mess.

How to sell a dead horse

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $900."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out the government bail out plan.

Poof - the light goes on!

A 76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor said, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, th at's incredible," the doctor said.

A little later in the day, the doctor called Harry's wife. "Ethel," he said, "Harry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaimed. "He's peeing in the fridge again!"

Domestic Policy Priorities

Here is an interesting list of domestic policy priorities over the last 9 years:

Environment, immigration and global warming took the biggest hits. The economy and job growth were the biggest issues.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Professor

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."

And all God's people said -- AMEN!

Happy New Year!

I want you to be the first to send Happy New Year greetings...

As I reflect on 2008, I can say we had a great year:

Blacks are happy; Obama was elected.

Whites are happy, OJ is in jail.

Democrats are happy; George Bush is leaving office.

Republicans are happy: Democrats will finally quit saying George Bush stole the election.

And all of us are happy; The election is finally over! 2009 should be even better: Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace. Then on the 7th day, He will rest.

Best wishes for 2009!

But don't forget to pray!!!! It could all be just an illusion!!! (Pelosi is still living and Hillary is trying to be president without being elected!!!!! Should be an interesting contest)

Because I'm a Man?

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'cumin' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it ... though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't ... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards ... then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

My Forgetter's Getting Better

Here's a poem that came in my email --

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away I ask myself,
'who in the world was that?'

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

The Worst First Date Ever?

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Thomas Jefferson said...

"When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe." -- Thomas Jefferson

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not." -- Thomas Jefferson

"It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world." -- Thomas Jefferson

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." -- Thomas Jefferson

"My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government." -- Thomas Jefferson

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson

"The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." -- Thomas Jefferson

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." -- Thomas Jefferson

"To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical." -- Thomas Jefferson

Very Interesting Quote -- In light of the present financial crisis, it's interesting to read what Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:

"'I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered."

The Cup of Tea

From my email...

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :) "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Monday, January 05, 2009

"Our Nightmare Before Christmas"

From my email - this commemorates the New England power outage of December 2008.

Our Nightmare Before Christmas

Twas two weeks before Christmas and all through the town
it rained and it froze and the trees all fell down.
The wires that were strung on utility poles
snapped like a twig and the houses all froze.

We got ourselves nestled all snug in our bed
while visions of warmer days danced in our head,
and me in my thermals and Pa in his cap
stayed huddled together for a bone chilling nap.

The moon on the ice made a crystalline glow
and we thought to ourselves, just how long can this go?
When what to our wondering eyes did appear
but our son with some coffee and donuts and cheer.

We could see our white breath in the darkness above
and deep under the covers I searched for my love.
His feet, they were frozen and so was his head ---
made me think to myself that he just might be dead.

The days passed so slowly, we must be insane
as we waited and wondered and called out by name
"On Thursday, on Friday, on Saturday (shit!)
on Sunday, on Monday, on Tuesday (please quit!)
on Wednesday, and Thursday and Friday (oh dread!)
the kerosene fumes must have gone to our head.

To add to the pleasure of winter's delight
two snowstorms came by - 18 inches of white.
The snowing and blowing made things bad to worse
and we prayed to the heavens our pipes wouldn't burst.

Pa's eyes now were sunken, his expression --- not merry,
his cheeks had a pallor, his nose like a cherry.
The odd little smile on his face wasn't fun
and he often was mumbling "go get my gun".

Then a rap on the door, and the fireman said,
"Are you sick, are you sane, and is anyone dead?
There's a shelter, there's warmth, you can come if you're able,
we have showers and kindness and food on the table"

--- and we looked at each other and thought ---
"what the heck?" yeah ... eleven days later you FINALLY check!
On night number twelve we heard the faint roar
of a convoy of trucks and we ran to the door.

To the top of the poles, to the stretch of the cable
--- please bring us your power just as fast as you' re able!
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work
and the power came on with a hum and a jerk.

They heard us exclaim, as they drove out of sight

Saturday, January 03, 2009

NFL Picks - Wild Card Week

The NFL regular season is history -- I was 8-8 in week 16 picking winners (137-80-5 on the year), while Las Vegas was 8-8 picking winners in week 16 (154-79-7 on the year).

I was out of town for Week 17, so I didn't make any picks, and it really doesn't matter anyway!

Here are my picks for Wild Card Week (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):

SATURDAY, 3 January:

Philadelphia (9-6-1) (-3) at Minnesota (10-6): Minnesota by 2.5
Indianapolis (12-4) (-1) at San Diego (8-8): Indianapolis by 5

SUNDAY, 4 January:

Baltimore (11-5) (-3) at Miami (11-5): Miami by 1
Atlanta (11-5) (-1) at Arizona (9-7): Atlanta by 2

Here are my NFL power ratings after the regular season:

1. Tennessee Titans (13-3) -- 32.2
2. New York Giants (12-4) -- 30.1
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) -- 29.9
4. Carolina Panthers (12-4) -- 29.3
5. Indianapolis Colts (12-4) -- 29.2

6. Baltimore Ravens (11-5) -- 28.2
7. New England Patriots (11-5) -- 27.6
8. Atlanta Falcons (11-5) -- 27.0
9. Miami Dolphins (11-5) -- 26.4
10. Philadelphia Eagles (9-6-1) -- 25.0

11. Minnesota Vikings (10-6) -- 24.7
12. New York Jets (9-7) -- 22.8
13. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-7) -- 22.6
14. Chicago Bears (9-7) -- 22.4
15. Arizona Cardinals (9-7) -- 22.1

16. Dallas Cowboys (9-7) -- 22.0
17. San Diego Chargers (8-8) -- 21.4
18. New Orleans Saints (8-8) -- 21.1
19. Houston Texans (8-8) -- 19.6
20. Washington Redskins (8-8) -- 19.5

21. Denver Broncos (8-8) - 18.8
22. Buffalo Bills (7-9) -- 17.9
23. San Francisco 49ers (7-9) -- 17.4
24. Green Bay Packers (6-10) -- 15.4
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11) -- 13.0

26. Oakland Raiders (5-11) -- 12.1
27. Cincinnati Bengals (4-11-1) -- 10.5
28. Seattle Seahawks (4-12) -- 10.5
29. Cleveland Browns (4-12) -- 10.2
30. Kansas City Chiefs (2-14) -- 5.7

31. St. Louis Rams (2-14) -- 4.4
32. Detroit Lions (0-16) -- 0.1

My Chargers pulled off the impossible - making the playoffs by winning their last 4, and having Denver lose their last three. However, Tomlinson and Gates were hurt in the last game, and may not be at full strength for this week. The Colts have a 9 game winning streak, the Chargers a 4 game winning streak. The Colts beat the Bolts 23-21 on a last-second field goal earlier in the season. My heart says head says Colts. I think the Colts win this one 38-34.