Ten Commandments For Seniors

 These are all true and I try to follow them:..

Good Advice From Louie (Age 72)

 Here’s 34 things I’ve learned that I hope help you in your journey:

1. It’s usually better to be nice than right.
2. Nothing worthwhile comes easy. 
3. Work on a passion project, even just 30 minutes a day. It compounds.
4. Become a lifelong learner (best tip).
5. Working from 7am to 7pm isn’t productivity. It’s guilt.
6. To be really successful become useful.
7. Like houses in need of repair, problems usually don’t fix themselves.
8. Envy is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die.
9. Don’t hold onto your “great idea” until it’s too late.
10. People aren’t thinking about you as much as you think. 
11. Being grateful is a cheat sheet for happiness. (Especially today.)
12. Write your life plan with a pencil that has an eraser. 
13. Choose your own path or someone will choose it for you.
14. Never say, I’ll never…
15. Not all advice is created equal.
16. Be the first one to smile.
17. The expense of something special is forgotten quickly. The experience lasts a lifetime. Do it.
18. Don’t say something to yourself that you wouldn’t say to someone else. 
19. It’s not how much money you make. It’s how much you take home.
20. Feeling good is better than that “third” slice of pizza.
21. Who you become is more important than what you accomplish. 
22. Nobody gets to their death bed and says, I’m sorry for trying so many things.
23. There are always going to be obstacles in your life. Especially if you go after big things.
24. The emptiest head rattles the loudest.
25. If you don’t let some things go, they eat you alive.
26. Try to spend 12 minutes a day in quiet reflection, meditation, or prayer.
27. Try new things. If it doesn’t work out, stop. At least you tried.
28. NEVER criticize, blame, or complain.  
29. You can’t control everything. Focus on what you can control.
30. If you think you have it tough, look around.
31. It’s only over when you say it is.
32. One hand washes the other and together they get clean. Help someone else.
33. Pobody's Nerfect
34. I'll Believe It When I See It.

If you’re lucky enough to get up to my age, the view becomes more clear. It may seem like nothing good is happening to you, or just the opposite. Both will probably change over time. 

Why?????

 From my friend Helen who copied it from someone else:

*  Why is it when archaeologists find human remains, they always determine that they are either male or female and none of the other hundreds of genders?

 *  Why is it that so many are more outraged that Brittney Griner was stuck in Russia than they were about Americans being stranded in Afghanistan?

  • How is it that the government can’t control gasoline prices…but the weather is something they can fix?

• We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no skill, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work.—Mike Rowe

 • If kids knew what they wanted to be at age eight, the world would be filled with cowboys and princesses. I wanted to be a pirate. Thank goodness nobody took me seriously and scheduled me for eye removal and peg leg surgery. —Bill Maher

 • Why were we told to lower our AC usage on hot days to prevent overwhelming the electric grid while simultaneously being told to trade in our gas cars for electric vehicles?

 • Why is canceling student debt a good idea? Does it make sense to reward people who do not honor their financial commitment by taxing the people who do?

 • Does it make sense to cut off oil from an ally and buy it from an enemy who calls for your death?

 • Are we living in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended?

 • Is this a great description of America: Andy has left town and Barney is in charge?

 • Why is talking sexually in the workplace considered sexual harassment to adults…but talking about sexuality to children K-3 at school is considered education?

 • Who else had a ‘ministry of truth”…Hitler…Goebbels…Stalin...Mao

 • Eliminating the production of 500,000 American barrels of oil a day to buy 500,000 barrels a day from Russia is simply…well…stupid.

 • I saw a movie where only the police and military had guns; it was called Schindler’s List.

 • If your electric car runs out of power on the interstate, do you walk to a charging station to get a bucket of electricity?

 • Why are we running out of money for Social Security and Medicare and not for welfare, illegals and free college?

 • I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted, it was for my lawn mower, but I'm trying to stay positive.

 • There is a coin shortage. America is officially out of common sense.

 • If a 17 year old isn’t mature enough to legally own a firearm or drink alcohol, then maybe five year olds aren’t mature enough to change their gender.  

 • Sign in Texas:  "DON’T VOTE FOR WHAT YOU FLED!"

 • Nobody called it “Toxic Masculinity" when we were saving the world.

 • Mice die in mouse traps because they do not understand why the cheese is free. Just like socialism.

 • The most powerful governments on earth can’t stop a virus from spreading…but they say they can change the earth’s temperature if you pay more taxes

 • Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers from driving. That’s how gun control and COVID lockdowns work.

 • If you don’t want to stand for the national anthem, perhaps you should give your legs to a veteran who lost his. That way a real man can stand in your place.

 • If socialism is so good and capitalism is so bad…then why aren’t the caravans heading to Venezuela?

 History is not there for us to like or dislike. It is there for us to learn from. And if it offends you, even better…because then you are less likely to repeat it. It is not anyone’s to erase…it belongs to all of us.

Helen seems to be smarter and wiser than half our population!

Do you remember Mergatroyd?

 Mergatroyd:  Do you remember that word? Would you believe my spell-checker did not recognize the word, Mergatroyd?  Heavens to Mergatroyd! 

The other day a not so elderly lady (maybe 75) said something to her son about driving a jalopy, and he looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a jalopy?" He had never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old ... but not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

Thank you to whomever dug up these old expressions that have become obsolete because of the march of technology. These phrases included: Don't touch that dial; Carbon copy; You sound like a broken record; and Hung out to dry.

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker, to straighten up and fly right.  Heavens to Betsy! Gee willikers!  Jumping Jehoshaphat!  Holy Moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley. And don’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill:  not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.  Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!" or, "This is a fine kettle of fish!" we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.  Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone.

Where have all those great phrases gone?  Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper.

Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels.  So’s your old man.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has little liver pills.

Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!  So see ya later, alligator! Okidoky.

WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 50'S . NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN … WE WERE GIVEN ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS: LIVING IN THE PEACEFUL AND COMFORTABLE TIMES CREATED FOR US BY THE "GREATEST GENERATION," GOD REST THEIR SOULS!

32 strange things to take your mind off of politics, pandemic and a dull day

 From my friend Helen's email:

32 strange things to take your mind off of politics, pandemic and a dull day 

  1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

2 Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5 A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

7. A 2x4 piece of lumber is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Charlton Heston is wearing a watch).

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries...)

10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564, 000.

13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

14. The name 'Wendy' was apparently made up by the author of the book, PETER PAN. There is not a written record of anyone named 'Wendy' before that book was published.

15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in WW II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (What sadist discovered this?)

17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen' s . . .  "Born in the USA."

19. The original name for butterfly was 'flutterby'.

20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider (thicker) than your thumb.

21. The first product that the Motorola company started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the best known record player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves MOTORola.

22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

24. Celery has 'negative calories'. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!

29. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages the suit.

32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

 

NOW WASN'T THAT CALMING AND NICE . . . FOR A CHANGE?

 

. . . Not to mention how much smarter we've now become

Thinking Outside the Box...

 

The Meaning of Love

 What does love means to 4-8 year old kids??

Slow down for three minutes to read this.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, 'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader, deeper, and more profound than anyone could have ever imagined !

'When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' Rebecca- age 8

'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.' Danny - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen.' Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.' Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.' Noelle - age 7

'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' Tommy - age 6

'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' Cindy - age 8

'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' Clare - age 6

'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' Elaine-age 5

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' Chris - age 7

'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' Mary Ann - age 4

'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4

'When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image) Karen - age 7

'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross..' Mark - age 6

'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' Jessica - age 8

And the final one: The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'

Now, take 60 seconds and Post this for others to see. And then be a child again today!

We Live in a Bizarre World...

Thank you, Bill:

We are living in a Bizarre World

If a mentally-ill dude pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him.

It’s un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.

Russians influencing our elections are bad, but Mexicans voting in our elections are good.

It was cool for Joe Biden to blackmail the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if Donald Trump inquires about it.

Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.

It’s wrong to steal, but it’s cool to demand that the government steal for you.

Citizens are fined if they don’t buy their own health insurance, and then they are forced to buy it for illegals.

People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves.

People who have never been to college should pay the debts of college students who took out huge loans for useless degrees.

Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.

Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate Central-American gang-banger who jumps the southern fence is welcome.

We demand that the government be in control of our health care, but then we are outraged when the government makes our health care decisions.

$5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for “free” health care for illegals is not.

If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.

People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.

It’s terrible when the President says that Puerto Rico’s politicians are corrupt, but it’s wonderful when Puerto Rico’s politicians are kicked out of office for corruption.

We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, and it seems like a great plan to us.

Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.

The Cynical Philosopher Thinks About These Things

From THE CYNICAL PHILOSOPHER

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?  
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 

 ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.    
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I  saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?” 
♦ I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named,  "Sag Harbor."
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. 
♦Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
 ♦I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 ♦If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. 
 ♦A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
♦The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass,Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.     

Do I Have Identity Issues?

It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.

The following is a recap of my current identity:

I was born white, which makes me a racist.

 
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist. 

I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe. 

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. 

I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel.

I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old person. 

I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary. 

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social. 

I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at completion, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever. 

I believe in the defense and protection of America by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!

Newest problem...I'm not sure which bathroom I should use...

As We Age, I Realize That ...

AS WE AGE, I REALIZE THAT:  

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.  

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud. 

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it.”  

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.  

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!  

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.  

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.  

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".  

12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Paraprosdokians

From my cousin...

PARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected - frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.