Friday, August 31, 2012

Interesting Bits and Pieces

From my email:

1. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the  right side of your mouth.     If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

2. To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers.

3. Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

4. Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult.

5.  People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

6. Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

7. Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

8. Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

9. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

10. Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

11. The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

12. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

13. It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times! Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

14. Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

15. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

16. Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

17. Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

18. Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

19. The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new  year.

20. Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

21. Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

22. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

23. Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

24. The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

25. Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

26. The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

27. The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

28. In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

29. Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

30. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

31. A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

32. The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

33. Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

34. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

35. If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

36. When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

37. In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

38. Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

39. Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

40. The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

41. The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

42. Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

43. Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

44. Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

45. Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.  For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

46. The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

 And last but not least:

47. In 2012, December has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!  This is called 'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Kids Knowledge about Oceans and Seafood

From my email - thanks, Helen!

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes
when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy,age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to
chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is  very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so
they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish.  Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
(Bobby, age 6) 
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Monday, August 27, 2012

No Parent Left Behind?

From my email - thanks, Helen:

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district ....

Spellings have been left intact...  

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him. 

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.  

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.  

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.   He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had  diahre   dyrea   direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.  There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Friday, August 24, 2012

The Labrador Retriever

From my email:

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!" 

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Harry. 

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there." 

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana.  With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. 

The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" "Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color." 
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. 

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads. 

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?" 

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"

Monday, August 06, 2012

Cosmic Laws

 Law of Mechanical RepairAfter your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee... 

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

Variation Law - If you impatiently change lines, when standing, or traffic lanes, while driving, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you  moved to....(works every time)

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Bio-MechanicsThe severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater &Hockey Arena - At any given event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the restroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the  game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Olivers Law of Public Speaking - A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product  that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.