Monday, December 09, 2013

Alphabet of the Obsolete

From my email...


Friday, November 22, 2013

Little Johnny Knows How to Sell!

From my email, thanks Helen:

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"
Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!' Then I would say, 'It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?' I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.

Bless his heart.

Lexiphile

Lexiphile is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as:
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
A bicycle can’t stand alone, it’s two tired.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
Acupuncture - a jab well done.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots

From my email...not by Jeff Foxworthy, but surely inspired by him!

A Country Founded by Geniuses but Run by Idiots 

If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for entering and ...remaining in the country illegally — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or to take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If you MUST show your identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for who runs the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If the government wants to prevent stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda, because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If a seven-year-old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government regulation and intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing and free cell phones — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working, by granting 99 weeks of unemployment checks, without any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently sought, but couldn’t be found — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big-screen TV, while your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

If being stripped of your Constitutional right to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government — you might live in a nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots. 

What a country! 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Sue's cell phone conversation on the train

From my email...thanks, Bill:

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat on the train and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:


"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".


"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".


"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".


"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".


"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"


Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

Seven Wonders of the World

What a beautiful poster:


Monday, September 30, 2013

Monday, September 16, 2013

After 50 years of marriage ... a spark!

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. 

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'... 


Repost if you laughed!!!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Old age and treachery beats youth and skill AGAIN!

From my email - thanks, Bill:

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.


The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable". 


"I'm a great gambler and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."


Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."


The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."


Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.


Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."


Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.


Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.


The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.


"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa says, "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."


The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.


Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.


The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.


"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.


"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"


Don't Mess with Old People!


Put another way: Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Only the Irish Have Jokes Like These!

From my email - thanks, Helen:

1)  Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,  Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.  His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,  His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp  

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.  " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.  "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,  "He couldn't do that to you,  He must have had something in his hand."  

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,  And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."  " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,  Didn't you have something in your hand?"  

That I did," said Paddy.  "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of 
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight"

 
***********************************************************************
2)  An Irishman who had a little too much to drink 
Is driving home from the city one night and,  Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.  "So," says the cop to the driver,  Where have ya been?" 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"  Slurs the drunk.  

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite 
A few to drink this evening."  "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.  "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and  Folding his arms across his chest,  "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.  "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 
********************************************************************
3)  Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,  When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.  "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.  "I've somethin' to tell ya".  

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."  "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." 

"
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus 
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.  Finally, she looked up at Tim.  "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat 
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,  He got out three times to pee"
**********************************************************************

4)  Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after  His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.  He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"  She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night."  

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "That he did, Father."  The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "  

She says, He said,  'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 
*********************************************************

5)  ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,  Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.  The Priest coughs a few times to get his  Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.  

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.  The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,  there's no paper on this side either!"

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Zen Teachings

From my email, thanks, Helen:

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.  No one is listening until you fart.

4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12.  Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.

13.  Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.  Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16.  There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.   Neither one works.

17.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19.  We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass.  Then things just keep getting worse.

20.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Thursday, August 08, 2013

Worst Day of His Life


My friend Bill has the best jokes on Facebook:

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. 


"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." 


"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me." 


"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! 


"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Exam for Memory Loss

This test will keep that dreaded disease that affects your memory at bay!

New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

 Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below (in comments) ....

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Country Humor with Cletus and Billy Bob

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one  day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and  sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks  clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right  strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders  forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his  hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both  sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt  underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and  hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus  rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good  grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously  embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in  the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to  a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last  line again, slowly.)

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Global Warming is a Hoax - Some Measurements

Dr. John Christy participated in a conference on global warming last month, and presented some power points that make several points with respect to the ongoing climate debate. All of these observations will be familiar to "climate change realists" but Dr. Christy’s visuals are effective. You can view the power point slides here, and the accompanying text here. Here is the slide comparing the IPCC climate change prediction with real measured results:


Go read the text and see all of the slides with measured data.  

The media is in cahoots with the part of the science establishment promoting this hoax - they either have an ulterior motive or they are wrong and stupid.  Which is it?

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Monday, May 20, 2013

What Little Boys Know ...

1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.


3) A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.


4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.


5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.


6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.


7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.


8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.


9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.


10) Certain Lego will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.


11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.


12) Super glue is forever.


13) No matter how much jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.


14) Pool filters do not like jelly.


15) VCR’s do not eject peanut butter & jelly sandwiches even though TV ads show they do.


16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.


17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.


18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.


19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.


20) The fire department has a 5-minute response time.


21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 


22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.


23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.


24) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

22 Adult Truths


From my email -- thanks, Linda!

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 
yes!

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.   
sometimes

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.   
got that right

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 
love it!

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
 
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.  
probably

22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Anagrams

From my email (thanks, Cora!):

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS!:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTH QUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER -IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

AND FINALLY FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA
When you rearrange the letters:
STRUGGLING INCOMPETENT LIAR

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Solar Activity and Planetary Motion Effects on Global Temperature Variations

Taking a break from jokes, here's some serious global warming stuff.

I still say that "global warming" is a function of solar activity, and have had the opinion for over 20 years (but I'm not a climatologist).  But I read some of the science blogs that comment on peer-reviewed papers and research.

A new post at ClimateMonitor.it by Carlo Tosti demonstrates that  the global temperature record since 1880 is highly correlated to solar activity, and that solar activity is in turn highly correlated to the harmonics of planetary motion. 

The correlation image is at http://www.climatemonitor.it/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/13_Anomalia-temperatura_segnale-planetario.jpg







Read the translated paper at http://translate.google.com/translate?sl=auto&tl=en&u=http://www.climatemonitor.it/?p%3D31974



Monday, April 15, 2013

Curtains!


A Blonde goes to a shop to buy curtains. She said to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.'

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.He shows her several patterns. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches ?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for?'

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains !'

The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .. mine's got Windoooooows.......'