Wildest Christmas Story Ever

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog VERY confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said really loud to steer her into dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, and hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas!

**********************************************************************

Giving credit where credit is due:

“Wildest Christmas Dinner”

Attributed to Jeff Foxworthy in a book published in 1996

Offensive Christmas Songs?

Some persons are offended by the Christmas season song Baby it’s Cold Outside.

What about these Christmas songs?  Anyone else offended?

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn.

2. The Christmas Song: Open fire?  Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation.

3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances.

4. White Christmas: Racist.

5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom/stalker.

6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you be of good cheer? Forced to hide depression.

7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying.

8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Forced gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols (GUNS!) for Barney and Ben.

9. Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail.

10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow woman.

11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired.

12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow.

13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse.

14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day?

15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married: forced partnership.

16. Grandma got run over by a reindeer: elder abuse.

I'm not offended.  These are all my favorites!!!  Rock on...

A Christmas Story - Jay and Louise

The following has been attributed to Jeff Foxworthy from a book published in 1996. It's a great Christmas story!

"The Wildest Christmas Dinner"

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog VERY confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said really loud to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, and hang on!" 

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas!

Dear Santa Letter

Helen's dear Santa letter ----

The Ghost of Christmas Future...

Christmas at Rock-Away Rest           Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest, and all of us seniors were looking our best.  Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;  Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry. A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.             We surely were lucky to be there with friends, Secure in this residence and in our Depends. Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts, Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts. The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth, And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath. The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row, Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow. Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop -- Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top. Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great, Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.             The social director then had us play games, Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?" Old Grandfather Cooper was feeling his oats, Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats. Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair, In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there. Security lights on the new fallen snow Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below. Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter (But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).             A strange little fellow flew in through the door, Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor. Twas just our director, all togged out in red. He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.           We knew from the way that he strutted and jived Our social- security checks had arrived. We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,       Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke. And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds. While nurses distributed nocturnal meds. And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest. Before long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!

Christmas Eve in San Diego

Check out this great song about Christmas Eve in San Diego --

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQfpD3Mocs0

1950's Christmas Jukebox

Here's your own personal Holiday juke box ... just click on the one you want to hear....

Fabulous 50s Christmas Songs

A Holly Jolly Christmas -- Burl Ives
Away In A Manger -- Loretta Lynn
Christmas Alphabet -- The McGuire Sisters
Christmas Country Christmas -- The Statler Brothers
Christmas In My Hometown -- Sonny James

Christmas Song -- Alvin & The Chipmunks
Christmas Times A Coming -- Bill Monroe And The Bluegrass Boys
Christmas Waltz -- Frank Sinatra
Christmas Without You -- Kenny Rogersand Dolly Parton
Frosty The Snowman -- Gene Autry

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer -- Elmo & Patsy
Hard Rock Candy Christmas -- Dolly Parton
Hark The Herald Angels Sing -- Nat King Cole
Have Yourself A Very Merry Christmas -- Rosemary Clooney
Home For The Holidays -- Perry Como

Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas -- Bing Crosby &The Andrew Sisters
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus -- Jimmy Boyd
Its a Most Wonderful Time Of The Year -- Johnny Mathis
Jingle Bell Rock -- Bobby Helms
Jingle Bells -- Roy Rogers

Jingle Bells -- Perry Como
Jingle Bells -- The Jingle Bell Piggie
Joy To The World --Nat King Cole
Leroy, the Redneck Reindeer -- Joe Diffie
Let It Snow -- Andy Williams

Lets Put Christ Back Into Christmas -- Tammy Wynette
Little Drummer Boy -- Neil Diamond
O Christmas Tree -- Nat King Cole
Please Come Home -- The Platters
Pretty Paper -- Roy Orbison

Rocking Around The Christmas Tree -- Brenda Lee
Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer -- Gene Autry
Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer -- Unknown Group
Santa Baby -- Cynthia Basinet
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town -- Bing Crosby

Santa Claus Is Watching You -- Ray Stevens
Silver Bells -- Bing Crosby/Peggy Lee
Silent Night -- Dean Martin
Sleigh Ride -- Johnny Mathis
The First Noel -- Andy Williams

Up On The Housetop -- Gene Autry
White Christmas -- Bing Crosby
White Christmas -- The Drifters (1954)
Winter Wonderland -- Brenda Lee
Christmas With Elvis -- Elvis Presley

Great Christmas House Decoration

The good news is that I truly out did myself this year. The bad news is that I had to take the dummy down after 2 days.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents, because they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house. She didn't realize it was dummy until she climbed to the top, and she was not amused. She was one of many who attempted a rescue -- I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up on my yard.

"Our Nightmare Before Christmas"

From my email - this commemorates the New England power outage of December 2008.

Our Nightmare Before Christmas

Twas two weeks before Christmas and all through the town
it rained and it froze and the trees all fell down.
The wires that were strung on utility poles
snapped like a twig and the houses all froze.

We got ourselves nestled all snug in our bed
while visions of warmer days danced in our head,
and me in my thermals and Pa in his cap
stayed huddled together for a bone chilling nap.

The moon on the ice made a crystalline glow
and we thought to ourselves, just how long can this go?
When what to our wondering eyes did appear
but our son with some coffee and donuts and cheer.

We could see our white breath in the darkness above
and deep under the covers I searched for my love.
His feet, they were frozen and so was his head ---
made me think to myself that he just might be dead.

The days passed so slowly, we must be insane
as we waited and wondered and called out by name
"On Thursday, on Friday, on Saturday (shit!)
on Sunday, on Monday, on Tuesday (please quit!)
on Wednesday, and Thursday and Friday (oh dread!)
the kerosene fumes must have gone to our head.

To add to the pleasure of winter's delight
two snowstorms came by - 18 inches of white.
The snowing and blowing made things bad to worse
and we prayed to the heavens our pipes wouldn't burst.

Pa's eyes now were sunken, his expression --- not merry,
his cheeks had a pallor, his nose like a cherry.
The odd little smile on his face wasn't fun
and he often was mumbling "go get my gun".

Then a rap on the door, and the fireman said,
"Are you sick, are you sane, and is anyone dead?
There's a shelter, there's warmth, you can come if you're able,
we have showers and kindness and food on the table"

--- and we looked at each other and thought ---
"what the heck?" yeah ... eleven days later you FINALLY check!
On night number twelve we heard the faint roar
of a convoy of trucks and we ran to the door.

To the top of the poles, to the stretch of the cable
--- please bring us your power just as fast as you' re able!
They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work
and the power came on with a hum and a jerk.

They heard us exclaim, as they drove out of sight
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!
WE HAVE HEAT!
WE HAVE LIGHT!

Christmas Gift Wrapping

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men went to see the baby Jesus and according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh".

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary sayeth unto him, she sayeth, "Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!" And Joseph did rolleth his eyes. And verily, the baby Jesus was much more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were not wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.

I attempt to wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it in the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills - like having babies - that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting gift-wrapping tips for men:

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. I think they've had way too many Rum balls!

If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

1. Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
2. You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

The best Christmas card on the Web

Click on http://www.jsmagic.net/emissarypage1a.

You can click anywhere on the card and it changes to the next one.

Enjoy.

Santa Reorganizes

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (”thirteen lawyers-a-suing”) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

This Christmas is Coming!

Wrapping Presents 101 for Cat Owners

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don’t reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat’s enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver’s face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.

Thanks to Mary Campbell

A Dog's Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: - Don’t pee on the tree - Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree - Mind your tail when you are near the tree - If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open - Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: - Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - Don’t eat off the buffet table - Beg for goodies subtly - Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: - Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important) - Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - Tolerate children - Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON’T BITE HIM!!

A Cat's Favorite Christmas Carols

10. Up on the Mousetop

9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

8. Joy to the Curled

7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

6. The First Meow

5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

4. Silent Mice

3. Fluffy, the Snowman

2. Jingle Balls

1. Wreck the Halls!

Night Before Christmas (US Government Contractor version)

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - “Now Dasher, now Dancer...” et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion’s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: “Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.”

Martha Stewart's Holiday Planning List

December 1-- Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 -- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 -- Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 -- Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 -- Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 -- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 -- Debug WindowsNT.

December 10 -- Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 -- Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 -- Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 -- Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 -- Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 -- Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 -- Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 -- Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 -- Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 -- Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 -- Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 -- Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 -- Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 -- Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 -- Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 -- Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31 -- New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

How Angels Came to be Atop the Tree

Santa Claus was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.

The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.

The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.

To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

Our Christmas story

We celebrated Christmas at our house this year rather than visiting our daughters' families in Victorville and Santa Cruz, and Linda's brother's family in Sonoma County in the Bay area. It was much more hectic for us than if we had traveled around California! Here is a day-by-day rundown:

Wednesday, December 19: I flew to Santa Cruz (into San Jose, picked up by Lori, Lucas (age 4) and Logan (almost 2)) and spent the night at their house on the hide-a-bed. The boys have a lot of toys and are always playing with the airplanes and race cars, not so much the trains any longer. They also watch a lot of Disney Channel (Wiggles, Tigger and Pooh, Little Einsteins, etc.) and Nick Jr. (Diego and Dora) on TV and video. Lori had a board meeting in the evening, so I got to bathe the boys, read to them, and put them to bed. Lucas likes stories about dinosaurs, airplanes and my childhood. Lori's computers are on the fritz, so we will take them to Chula Vista and see if James can resurrect them.

Thursday, December 20: We packed the car in the morning, then visited Logan's school, Lori's friend's family , went shopping, and had lunch at home before we started the 500 mile drive to Chula Vista. We left at 1:30 PM and got to CV at 11:30 PM. We stopped in Paso Robles for a break and walk the dog (Annie), then in Santa Maria, and had dinner at a forgettable Chinese place in Santa Barbara. Then it was straight to Chula Vista, stopping for short breaks in Santa Monica and Long Beach. The boys watched videos most of the way, and slept after Long Beach. This was not a fun trip ... but necessary.

Friday, December 21: I came down with a cold overnight - fever, headache, cough, snuffy - so I started my Tylenol Cold regime augmented by Robitussin overnight and Hall's lozenges when needed. I don't remember much about this day except wrapping some gifts in the garage with Lori after the boys went to bed.

Saturday, December 22: Still sick, feel even worse. Stayed home. Watched TV with the boys and read a lot.

Sunday, December 23: Still sick, but getting better. The boys and I watched videos all morning, and went for a walk. Linda went to church. I watched football games and played with the boys in the afternoon - lots of chasing through the house, wrestling on the floor, race cars on the kitchen floor, etc. After the kids were down, Lori and I put Logan's trike together - she's good at mechanical things - I couldn't have done this by myself - no step-by-step directions, only pictures!

Monday, December 24: I'm feeling much better, but Linda has a stomach virus - can't keep anything down, so she's miserable in bed. Lori took the boys to Sea World for awhile. Tami, James and Lauren (age almost 3) arrived in the afternoon with Walter (a basset hound) and the kids had fun playing with each other. James looked at Lori's computers on the fritz, but couldn't fix them without more diagnostics. We watched most of the Chargers game - they won 23-3 - no stress! Lori cooked a pot roast for dinner - and it was timed for halftime. We had to house Tami and her family on short notice at a friend's house due to Linda's sickness, so I escorted them over there at Lauren's bedtime and they spent the night there. Lori and Lucas wrote the letter to Santa and set out cookies and milk. She got the boys to bed while I got the stuff into the back yard. Lori and I put up the Blow-up Jump House in the back yard ready to plug in on Christmas morning. Then we brought all of the gifts around the tree and in stockings. Lastly, Lori wrote the Santa letter back to Lucas and Logan, and we ate the cookies.

Tuesday, Christmas day: The boys were up by 7 AM, and Tami and her family came by 8 AM. We turned the tree on, got the stockings down and distributed and the kids tore through the gifts in a frenzy. Then we distributed the gifts from under the tree. In the mean time, Logan played his new drum, then discovered his tricycle and rode it around a little, while Lucas played with his new airplanes from the aircraft carrier box and put on his astronaut suit and helmet. Lauren was happy playing with her gifts - we gave her a scooter and helmet, Disney princess boombox and microphone, and lots of goodies. After the opening frenzy was over, we turned on the Jump House and the kids were surprised again, and ran out and jumped away for awhile.

I was exhausted and took a nap at 11 AM, then went into the Jump House with the kids after lunch. The moms tried to have the kids take naps - they had short ones. Tami and her family decided to go home early - they left at about 3 PM.

Linda and Lori started the turkey at 2 PM, and worked on the other dishes for a 6 PM feast. We had turkey, green beans, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie and ice cream for dessert. Linda ate dinner but took it easy. The boys ate pretty well, but really scarfed the dessert. They went to bed fairly easily, having had an exciting day. The house looked like a tornado hit it - we tried to gather toys and gifts in boxes for each of them, and put the trash in bags. The cartons and boxes and plastic wrap were stacked for recycling. Whew. It was a long day.

Wednesday, December 26: No rest for the weary. Linda felt sick again and stayed in bed. I took down the jump house, packed it in the car, and packed everything else - the van was very full! We had lunch, then left at 12:30 PM hoping to get to Santa Cruz at a reasonable hour. The traffic through LA was OK, only one or two stop-and-goes, and we stopped in Thousand Oaks for a break. Lori bought some new videos at Target, while I walked the dog. Then we went to the Foster's Freeze for ice cream (the boys loved it) and gassed up for the next trip segment. Traffic through Santa Barbara was terrible - a 10 mile backup, and we got to Buellton at about 6:30 PM. We ate at a pancake house across from Pea Soup Andersens. We got the boys in PJs, then took off again, stopped in Paso Robles for gas and a break, and finally got to their house by 11:45 PM. It was 1 AM by the time everyone got to bed.

Thursday, December 27: Logan was up by 7 AM, so I got up and let Lori and Lucas sleep until about 9:30. We ate cereal and played in his room and watched Disney channel shows. After everyone was up, I unpacked the car (put all the toys into the garage) for Lori and put my bag in the car. We left for the airport at 11 AM, and they dropped me off at noon. The lines were long but I was at the gate by 12:45 for a 1:20 departure, but the plane wasn't. When I got to San Diego, I hitched a ride home with Linda's friend Barbara who came in from Sacramento about 30 minutes after I arrived. We had an early dinner (leftover turkey) , watched a bit of the Holiday Bowl, and talked about the week a bit before I adjourned to the computer room to retrieve two days of messages.

Looking back, most of my time and energy was spent with Lucas and Logan. I feel like I neglected Lauren when she was here, although we sat in my chair cuddling, played on the floor with blocks and puzzles, and bounced in the Jump House together. She played most of Monday afternoon with the boys, and all of Tuesday morning was devoted to opening gifts.

The boys require a lot of patience and attention - they are very "busy" - always playing, talking, testing and trying. They whine a lot, and often tussle with each other. In the mornings, I usually watched them for an hour or two while Disney Channel played - we have waffles and pancakes (Lucas eats them frozen, Logan eats them toasted with me), and cereal (Honeycomb and Rice Krispies with milk) until they got dressed and went out and played or went somewhere. At bedtime, I put Logan down several nights - we rock, lie down together and I sing to him - then I recite his genealogy and he passes out quickly!

The most fun is talking to the boys - listening to them talk and think out loud, asking them questions, and playing games with them. Lucas talks a lot about his feelings and about what is happening around him - he really enjoys life. He is very bossy - he tells people what to do and wants to lead his brother and any body else in what to play and do. Logan has some words and is directive too - he says the word for "yes" a lot. Their grandpa is just a big kid at heart, and they know it.

I'll put some pictures up when I have had time to upload them. We didn't take very many pictures this week because of the sickness and the hecticity of the days.