Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Senior cartoons

Shot in the Head

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while she was there she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and that she had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from the back of her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough stuck on the back of her head.

As it turns out, a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the warm dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

We need to ban Killer Biscuits.

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?Answer: 'bread.'

If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.Try not to hurt yourself. If you said ‘bread,' go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading this? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of' no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or ‘no man's land'?

Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question. 5.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon,two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off an d three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

35 Best TV Shows Ever

The New York Post newspaper listed the 35 best TV shows ever in an article here.

The list includes:

1 THE SOPRANOS (1999-2007, HBO)
2 ALL IN THE FAMILY (1971-79, CBS)
3 THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW (1986-present, syndication)
4 AMERICAN IDOL (2002- present, FOX)
5 THE WEST WING (1999-2006, NBC)

7 DALLAS (1978-91, CBS)
8 24 (2001- present, FOX)
9 TWIN PEAKS (1990-91, ABC)
10 SESAME STREET (1969-present, PBS)

12 60 MINUTES (1968-present, CBS)
14 I LOVE LUCY (1951-57, CBS)
15 LAW & ORDER (1990-present, NBC)

18 THE SIMPSONS (1989-present, FOX)
19 SEX AND THE CITY (1998-2004, HBO)
20 ER (1994-present, NBC)

22 MIAMI VICE (1984-89, NBC)
23 SEINFELD (1990-98, NBC)
24 GUNSMOKE (1955-75, CBS)

27 STAR TREK(1966-1969, NBC)
28 THE X-FILES (1993-2002, Fox)
30 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (1975-present, NBC)

31 JEOPARDY! (1964-75; 1978-79; 1984-present, NBC and syndication)
34The Cosby Show (1984-92, NBC)
35 GENERAL HOSPITAL (1963-present, ABC)

See the article for commentary. They're entitled to their opinion.

I didn't watch The Sopranos, Sex in the City, Dallas, Hill Street Blues, General Hospital, Moonlighting, Twin Peaks, Monty Python, or Oprah so I can't judge their merits.

I would have included M*A*S*H, NYPD Blue, CSI, Cheers, Desperate Housewives, $64,000 Question, Gilligan's Island, WKRP in Cincinnati, Bonanza, Benny Hill (sorry, I loved that show), Married ... With Children, Leave it to Beaver, The Munsters, Have Gun, Will Travel, and Lassie in my list.

What other shows make your top TV show list?

Friday, April 25, 2008

Senior Smiles

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. 'What happened, Mother?' the daughter asked. 'I had to slap his face three times!' 'You mean he got fresh?' 'No,' she answered, 'I thought he was dead.'
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, 'I want your ugliest woman and a burned grilled cheese sandwich!'

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.'

The trucker replies, 'Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick.'
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'I remember these.'

The Pet Shop

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, 'Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?'

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?'

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, 'I don't think my python weally gives a thit.'

Blame Bush or Congress?

DON'T BLAME BUSH ...Blame the Democrat Congress You Elected in 2006!

Pass this on to all your Democrat friends. ...they blame the President?????? ... We all have such short memories.

You might like to consider the following ... A little over one year ago:

1) Consumer confidence stood at a 2 1/2 year high;
2) Regular gasoline sold for $2.19 a gallon;
3) The unemployment rate was 4.5%.

In just one year. ...Remember the election in 2006? Since voting in a Democratic Congress in 2006 we have seen:

1) Consumer confidence plummet;
2) The cost of regular gasoline soar to over $3.50 a gallon;
3) Unemployment is up to 5% (a 10% increase);
4) American households have seen $2.3 trillion in equity value evaporate (stock and mutual fund losses);
5) Americans have seen their home equity drop by $1.2 trillion dollars;
6) 1% of American homes are in foreclosure.

"Change we can BELIEVE in"...??? ....America voted for change in 2006,
and we sure got it!

Padres 2008 - Games 21 to 30

Here is the history for each 10-game block:

* 10 games, 5-5 overall, 4-3 at home, 1-2 on the road, Runs 32-31, Homers 6-7, team BA 0.282, team ERA 2.97.

* 20 games, 9-11 overall, 5-5 at home, 4-6 on the road, Runs 65-92, Homers 11-14, team BA 0.239, opposition BA 0.241, team ERA 3.88, opposition ERA 2.65.

Game 21 - Tuesday, April 22, San Diego at Houston. Astros win 11-7. The Padres came back twice, from down 0-2 to lead 3-2, then down 3-7 to tie at 7-7. Jake Peavy started and pitched poorly for him (6 IP, 7 H, 4 ER, 2 BB, 2 SO) - perhaps it was the ballpark. The Pads offense was efficient - 7 runs on 8 hits with only 3 LOB. McAnulty and Gonzalez hit homers. The bullpen gave up 7 runs (Thatcher and Bell were ineffective) - with the Astros getting 4 runs in the 8th to win it. After 21 games, the Pads are 9-12 overall, 5-5 at home, 4-7 on the road, Runs 72-103, Homers 13-15. They've lost 2 straight, 6 out of 7 and 7 out of 10.

Game 22 - Wednesday, April 23, San Francisco at San Diego. Giants win 3-2 in 13 innings. A very well pitched game on both sides - Greg Maddux went 7 IP (0 R, 4 H, 0 BB, 5 SO) and Matt Cain was almost as good (7 IP, 1 R, 5 H, 3 BB, 7 SO), giving up a run in the 5th on three hits, Giles getting the RBI. Josh Bard led off the 5th with a hit but was out at 2nd trying to stretch it. Trevor Hoffman gave up a homer in the 9th to Bengie Molina to blow his second save in 8 tries. In the 13th, the Giants scored 2 runs off Glendon Rusch on RBI singles by Lewis and Rowand. The Pads got one back in the bottom of the 13th but Iguchi grounded out with runners on second and third. After 22 games, the Pads are 9-13 overall, 5-6 at home, 4-7 on the road, Runs 74-106, Homers 13-16. They've lost 3 straight, 7 out of 8 and 8 out of 10.

Game 23 - Thursday, April 24, San Francisco at San Diego. Giants win 1-0. The Padres can't hit fast balls, it seems. Chris Young pitched well (7 IP, 2 H, 1 R, 3 BB, 10 SO, lost, now 1-2) but gave up a homer to Rich Aurilia in the 7th for the only run in the game. The Pads managed 5 hits and 7 walks off Tim Lincecum (won, now 4-0) but left 11 on base as they couldn't come up with the timely hit, despite runners on third with one out three times. After 23 games, the Pads are 9-14 overall, 5-7 at home, 4-7 on the road, Runs 74-107, Homers 13-17. They've lost 4 straight, 8 out of 9 and 8 out of 10.

Game 24 - Friday, April 25, Arizona at San Diego. Snakes win 5-1. Randy Johnson pitched well (7 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 2 BB, 7 SO), Randy Wolf did not (4 IP, 5 ER, 7 H, BB, 3 SO, lost now 2-1). The Pads bunched all of their hits in the 4th inning, and had the bases loaded with one out but Bard and Clark struck out. The Snakes got 5 runs in the 3rd inning, the big hit being a 3-run homer by Mark Reynolds. After 24 games, the Pads are 9-15 overall, 5-8 at home, 4-7 on the road, Runs 75-112, Homers 13-18. They've lost 5 straight, and 9 out of 10.

Game 25 - Saturday, April 26, Arizona at San Diego. Pads win 8-7 in 13 innings. Justin Germano (5 IP, 6 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 5 SO) pitched poorly, but the back end of the bullpen (Bell, Hoffman and Rusch - who won it going 4 innings) pitched well. Tadahito Iguchi won the game with a solo walk-off homer in the 13th off of Petit. Brian Giles had a homer off Micah Owings (5 IP, 5 ER, 5 H, 3 BB, 5 SO). After 25 games, the Pads are 10-15 overall, 6-8 at home, 4-7 on the road, Runs 83-119, Homers 15-19. They've won 1 straight, lost 5 of 6, and lost 8 out of 10. They are now 1-3 in extra inning games.

Game 26 - Sunday, April 27, Arizona at San Diego. Snakes win, 2-1 in an excellent pitcher's battle. Brandon Webb (6 IP, 1 R, 0 ER, 5 H, 4 BB, 5 SO, won now 6-0) outdueled Jake Peavy (7 IP, 2 ER, 4 H, 3 BB, 9 SO, lost now 3-1) on a hot day. Both bullpens pitched hitless innings after the starters left. Peavy grooved a fastball to C Chris Snyder in the 2nd inning and he hit it 410 feet for the Snakes' 2 runs. The Pads scored in the 4th on a Sac Fly by Edmonds, but couldn't score with the bases loaded in the 5th and 6th. After 26 games, the Pads are 10-16 overall, 6-9 at home, 4-7 on the road, Runs 84-121, Homers 15-20. They've lost 1 straight, 6 out of 7, and 8 out of 10.

Game 27 - Tuesday, April 29, San Diego at Philadelphia. Phillies win 7-4. Greg Maddux pitched well enough to lose (6.1 IP, 3 R, 8 H, 1 BB, 2 SO, lost now 2-2) while Cole Hamels pitched good enough to win (7.1 IP, 2 R, 5 H, 2 BB, 6 SO). The bullpen gave up 4 runs in the 8th to seal the win for the Phils. Scott Hairston had 2 homers plus a double to lead the offense. After 27 games, the Pads are 10-17 overall, 6-9 at home, 4-8 on the road, Runs 88-128, Homers 17-20. They've lost 2 straight, 7 out of 8, and 11 out of 13.

Game 28 - Wednesday, April 30, San Diego at Philadelphia. Pads win, 4-2. Chris Young pitched well (6 IP, 2 R, 5 H, 3 BB, 6 SO, won, now 2-2) as the Pads got homers from Adrian Gonzalez and Kevin Kouzmanoff, and 4 hits from Iguchi. The bullpen held the Phils scoreless for 3 innings. After 28 games, the Pads are 11-17 overall, 6-9 at home, 5-8 on the road, Runs 92-130, Homers 19-21. They've won 1 straight, lost 7 out of 9, and lost 11 out of 14.

Game 29 - Thursday, May 1, San Diego at Philadelphia. Phillies win 3-2. Adam Eaton outdueled Randy Wolf (6 IP, 2 R, 6 H, 3 BB, 9 SO) but Ryan Howard hit a homer off Joe Thatcher (now 0-3) in the 8th to ice it for the Phils. Gonzalez had a homer for the Pads for the only two runs off Jamie Moyer. After 29 games, the Pads are 11-18 overall, 6-9 at home, 5-9 on the road, Runs 94-133, Homers 20-23. They've lost 1 straight, lost 8 out of 10, and lost 12 out of 15.

Game 30 - Friday, May 2, San Diego at Florida. Fish win 6-4. Justin Germano (5.2 IP, 5 ER, 9 H, 0 BB, 3 SO, lost, now 0-3) pitched well until the 6th when he gave up 4 runs. The Pads got only 6 hits off Steve Hendrickson and two relievers, including Kahlil Greene's first homer of the season. After 30 games, the Pads are 11-19 overall, 6-9 at home, 5-10 on the road, Runs 98-139, Homers 21-26. They've lost 2 straight, lost 9 out of 11, and lost 13 out of 16.

In these 10 games, the Pads were 2-8, 1-4 at home, 1-4 on the road, Runs 33-48, Homers 10-12. They were not blown out in any of the losses.

Hitting statistics (Avg, H-AB, HR-RBI, BB-SO) through 29 games (the U-T didn't print the 30-game stats):

Brian Giles - 0.260, 27-104, 3-15, 17-12
Tadahito Iguchi - 0.252, 28-111, 1-6, 14-21
Adrian Gonzalez - 0.283, 32-113, 6-21, 10-26
Kevin Kouzmanoff - 0.256, 32-125, 2-8, 3-25
Jim Edmonds - 0.160, 12-70, 1-6, 8-22
Kahlil Greene - 0.216, 24-111, 0-8, 8-23
Scott Hairston - 0.205, 18-88, 4-9, 7-24
Josh Bard - 0.209, 19-91, 0-3, 11-12

TEAM HITTING: 0.226, 231-1024, 20-92, 101-230
OPPO HITTING: 0.244, 252-1034, 23-125, 102-207

Pitching Statistics (W-L, ERA, G-IP, H-ER, BB-SO) - after 29 games

Justin Germano -- 0-2, 6.04, 5-28.1, 31-19, 10-12
Jake Peavy -- 3-1, 2.09, 6-43.0, 29-10, 145-38
Chris Young -- 2-2, 3.63, 6-34.2, 27-14, 21-33
Randy Wolf -- 2-1, 3.57, 6-35.1, 29-14, 11-37
Greg Maddux -- 2-2, 3.76, 6-38.1, 36-16, 7-21
Heath Bell - 0-2, 2.70, 15-16.2, 15-5, 5-11
Cla Meredith -- 0-1, 4.05, 15-13.1, 11-6, 3-5
Joe Thatcher -- 0-3, 7.20, 13-15.0, 20-12, 5-12
Trevor Hoffman -- 0-2, 6.52, 10-9.2, 11-7, 4-9 (5 saves)
Wil Ledezma -- 0-0, 1.15, 5-15.2, 11-2, 8-13

TEAM PITCHING: 11-18, 4.01, 29-276.0, 252-123, 102-207
OPPO PITCHING: 18-11, 2.79, 29-277.0, 231-85, 101-230.

This was a dismal 10-game stretch, with several games lost because of a single pitch or lack of a key hit. The team BA fell from 0.239 to 0.226, and the team ERA rose from 3.88 to 4.01. At least no game was a blowout. The guys just can't hit consistently, they strike out too often (6 of them may top 120 strikeouts), the starters do OK except for Germano, and the relievers aren't consistent. Other than that - they deserve to be 11-19 with the worst record in the National League. It's time to scrap Jim Edmonds and find a left fielder and a catcher who can hit with power.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The anniversary present

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Playing Church

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.

She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said,"He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Teenagers - act now!

Suffering from ED?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Smile ...

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

40 Tips for an exceptional life

These are really very powerful, Implement whenever you can.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. Record your late night shows and get more sleep.

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My purpose is to____ today."

5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.

6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books than you did in 2007.

7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, tai chi, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.

9. Dream more while you are awake.

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.

14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid.

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

22. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

23. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

24. Burn the candles, use the nice bed sheets, Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. So stop complaining about the weather, the job, the rents etc etc.

31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

34. The best is yet to come.

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

36. Do the right thing!

37. Call your family often.

38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: "I am thankful for ___." Today I accomplished ____.

39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.

A Cowboy named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .

Now give me back my dog!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Padres 2008 - Games 11-20

After 10 games, the Pads are 5-5 overall, 4-3 at home, 1-2 on the road, Runs 32-31, Homers 6-7. The team is hitting 0.282, and has a team ERA of 2.97.

Game 11, Friday, April 11, San Diego at LA Dodgers. Padres win, 7-5. The Pads scored 4 runs in the 4th inning on singles to help Jake Peavy notch the win (now 3-0). Peavy went 6 innings (9 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 4 SO), and the bullpen was shaky - Thatcher gave up a run and Hoffman gave up a run but struck out Jeff Kent with the bases loaded to notch his 3rd save. The Pads had 16 hits, all but one singles. After 11 games, the Pads are 6-5 overall, 4-3 at home, 2-2 on the road, Runs 39-36, Homers 6-8.

Game 12, Saturday, April 12, San Diego at LA Dodgers. Dodgers win 11-1. Chris Young gave up 7 runs in 3 innings, walking 4. The Pads were baffled by Derek Lowe in a blowout game, getting only 4 hits and no walks. The Dodgers had 3 homers. After 11 games, the Pads are 6-6 overall, 4-3 at home, 2-3 on the road, Runs 40-47, Homers 6-11.

Game 13, Sunday, April 13, San Diego at Los Angeles. Pads win, 1-0. On a hot day, Greg Maddux went 5 innings to win his second game, giving up 2 hits with 1 BB and 2 SO. The Pads scored a run in the 4th off of Chad Billingsley - on a walk to Edmunds, a double by Greene, and a Sac Fly by Paul McAnulty. The bullpen pitched 4 scoreless innings, Hoffman got his 4th save. After 13 games, the Pads are 7-6 overall, 4-3 at home, 3-3 on the road, Runs 41-47, Homers 6-11.
Game 14, Tuesday, April 15, Colorado at San Diego. Pads win, 6-0. Randy Wolf (now 1-0) pitched a masterpiece, taking a no-hitter into the 7th inning. Kevin Cameron pitched two scoreless innings to close it out. The Pads scored 6 runs in the 5th inning off Ubaldo Jiminez on three walks, an error and three doubles (by Giles, Kouzmanoff and Edmonds, each driving in two runs). After 14 games, the Pads are 8-6 overall, 5-3 at home, 3-3 on the road, Runs 47-47, Homers 6-11.

Game 15, Wednesday, April 16, Colorado at San Diego. Rocks win 10-2, but it was only 3-2 after 8 innings. Justin Germano (now 0-1) went 7 innings, pitching well enough to win (3 ER, 8 H, 2 BB, 0 K), but the Rocks scored 7 in the 9th off Cla Meredith and Glendon Rusch. Brian Giles had two of the Padres 3 hits, and both RBIs, as Mark Redman and four relievers shut the Padres offense down. After 15 games, the Pads are 8-7 overall, 5-4 at home, 3-3 on the road, Runs 49-57, Homers 6-11.

Game 16, Thursday, April 17, Colorado at San Diego. Rocks win 2-1 in 22 innings. Yep, 22 innings. We were there through 15, but I watched/listened to all of itYawn. Jake Peavy (8 IP, 0 R, 4 H, 3 BB, 11 SO) and Jeff Francis (7 IP, 0 R, 3 H, 1 BB, 7 K) started but weren't around at the end at 1:21 a.m. The Rocks scored 1 in the 14th off of Kevin Cameron, and the Pads answered with 1 run off closer Manny Corpas. In the 22nd, Kahlil Greene threw high on a Willy Taveras grounder, he stole 2nd and went to third on Bard's error, and scored on Tulowitzki's double off Glendon Rusch (0-1). Both bullpens pitched very well. Both offenses sucked. After 16 games, the Pads are 8-8 overall, 5-5 at home, 3-3 on the road, Runs 50-59, Homers 6-11.

Game 17, Friday, April 18, San Diego at Arizona. Snakes win 9-0 and it wasn't that close. Greg Maddux was rocked for 6 runs in the first inning, and 9 runs in 7 innings as he took one for the team. Dan Haren pitched 7 innings for the D-backs to win his third game. Conor Jackson had 4 hits (homer, two triples, single) off Maddux. After 17 games, the Pads are 8-9 overall, 5-5 at home, 3-4 on the road, Runs 50-68, Homers 6-12. They've lost 3 in a row for the first time this year.

Game 18, Saturday, April 19, San Diego at Arizona. Snakes win 10-3. Chris Young started for the Pads and went 6 innings (3 H, 2 R) and left with the Pads ahead 3-2 on homers by McAnulty and Giles. Joe Thatcher gave up 2 runs in the 7th to take the loss, and Kevin Cameron pitched poorly in the 8th, giving up 6 more runs. This was a winnable game - but Buddy didn't pull the relievers when he should have - perhaps a hangover from the 22 inning game - he doesn't have everybody ready yet. If Thatcher had held them in the 7th, we would have seen Bell and Hoffman finish up. After 18 games, the Pads are 8-10 overall, 5-5 at home, 3-5 on the road, Runs 53-78, Homers 8-12. They've lost 4 in a row for the first time this year.

Game 19, Sunday, April 20, San Diego at Arizona. Padres win 9-4. Randy Wolf (now 2-0) pitched into the 7th (6.1 IP, 4 R, 6 H, 1 BB, 7 SO) and the Pads scored 6 runs off Randy Johnson, the key hit being Justin Huber's 3-run homer in the 6th. The Pads had only 10 hits, but 6 were for extra-bases. After 19 games, the Pads are 9-10 overall, 5-5 at home, 4-5 on the road, Runs 62-82, Homers 9-12. They've won 1 in a row, but lost 4 out of 5 and 6 out of 10.

Game 20, Monday, April 21, San Diego at Houston. Astros win 10-3 and it wasn't close. Justin Germano gave up 5 runs in the first, and 10 in the first 4 to take the loss. The 'Stros got two early homers, and the Pads had solo homers from Gonzalez and Edmonds in their 8-hit "attack." Roy Oswalt was more than adequate given a big lead. After 20 games, the Pads are 9-11 overall, 5-5 at home, 4-6 on the road, Runs 65-92, Homers 11-14. They've lost 5 out of 6 and 6 out of 10.

In these 10 games, the Pads were 4-6, 1-2 at home, 3-4 on the road, Runs 33-61, Homers 5-7. They were blown out in 5 of the losses, and the 6th was the 22-inning marathon that depleted the pitching staff for a weekend.

Hitting statistics (Avg, H-AB, HR-RBI, BB-SO)

Brian Giles - 0.304, 21-69, 2-12, 8-7
Tadahito Iguchi - 0.218, 17-78, 0-3, 10-16
Adrian Gonzalez - 0.280, 21-75, 3-11, 7-17
Kevin Kouzmanoff - 0.291, 25-86, 1-7, 3-17
Jim Edmonds - 0.212, 11-52, 1-5, 4-17
Kahlil Greene - 0.237, 18-76, 0-7, 4-16
Scott Hairston - 0.200, 13-65, 2-6, 7-18
Josh Bard - 0.246, 15-61, 0-3, 7-6

TEAM HITTING: 0.239, 169-706, 11-63, 62-156
OPPO HITTING: 0.241, 171-709, 14-84, 75-131

Pitching Statistics (W-L, ERA, G-IP, H-ER, BB-SO)

Justin Germano -- 0-2, 5.01, 4-23.1, 25-13, 8-7
Jake Peavy -- 3-0, 1.20, 4-30.0, 18-4, 9-27
Chris Young -- 1-1, 4.57, 4-21.2, 20-11, 15-17
Randy Wolf -- 2-0, 2.49, 4-25.1, 16-7, 8-25
Greg Maddux -- 2-1, 4.68, 4-25.0, 24-13, 6-14
Heath Bell - 0-1, 0.77, 10-11.2, 10-1, 2-5
Cla Meredith -- 0-1, 5.00, 10-9.0, 8-5, 1-4
Joe Thatcher -- 0-2, 8.00, 8-9.0, 11-8, 5-8
Trevor Hoffman -- 0-2, 8.10, 7-6.2, 8-6, 4-7 (4 saves)
Wil Ledezma -- 0-0, 1.42, 4-12.2, 10-2, 7-8

TEAM PITCHING: 9-11, 3.88, 20-190.0, 171-82, 75-131
OPPO PITCHING: 11-9, 2.65, 20-190.0, 169-56, 62-156.

In the last 10 games, the Pads hit 0.198, with only Giles and Kouzmanoff holding up their averages. The team ERA for the last 10 games was 4.82, with only Jake Peavy, Heath Bell and Wil Ledezma pitching consistently.

It's going to be a long season unless the starting pitching stops giving up big early innings, the relievers start getting more outs than hits/walks, and the batters hit for a much higher average with more power. There is no "big bat" in this lineup and there needs to be.

Science Exam Answers

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Ageless wisdom

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -Thomas Jefferson

'If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.' - Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man; a debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it; If it keeps moving, regulate it...and if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts. -Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -Ronald Reagan

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

The Rambo Granny of Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle , 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp.

Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.

'When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them,' recalled the retired library worker. 'And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shooting' all my life.

And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one' So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

'I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.'

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.


Bad luck?


Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.

You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry

Ole and Sven

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said:


As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"

Hilary's resume

Hillary Clinton has been telling America that she is the most qualified candidate for president based on her "record," which she says includes her eight years in the White House as First Lady - or "co-president" - and her seven years in the Senate.

Here is a reminder of what that record includes:

- As First Lady, Hillary assumed authority over Health Care Reform, a process that cost the taxpayers over $13 million. She told both Bill Bradley and Pat Moynihan, key votes needed to pass her legislation, that she would "demonize" anyone who opposed it. But it was opposed; she couldn't even get it to a vote in a Congress controlled by her own party. (And in the next election, her party lost control of both the House and Senate.)

- Hillary assumed authority over selecting a female Attorney General. Her first two recommendations (Zoe Baird and Kimba Wood) were forced to withdraw their names from consideration, and then she chose Janet Reno. Janet Reno has since been described by Bill himself as "my worst mistake."

- Hillary recommended Lani Guanier for head of the Civil Rights Commission. When Guanier's radical views became known, her name had to be withdrawn.

- Hillary recommended her former law partners, Web Hubbell, Vince Foster, and William Kennedy for positions in the Justice Department, White House staff, and the Treasury, respectively. Hubbell was later imprisoned, Foster committed suicide (?) and Kennedy was forced to resign.

- Hillary also recommended a close friend of the Clinton's, Craig Livingstone, for the position of director of White House security. When Livingstone was investigated for the improper access of up to 900 FBI files of Clinton enemies (Filegate) and the widespread use of drugs by White House staff, both Hillary and her husband denied knowing him. FBI agent Dennis Sculimbrene confirmed in a Senate Judiciary Committee in 1996 both the drug use and Hillary's involvement in hiring Livingstone. After that, the FBI closed its White House Liaison Office, after serving seven presidents for over thirty years.

- In order to open "slots" in the White House for her friends the Harry Thomasons (to whom millions of dollars in travel contracts could be awarded), Hillary had the entire staff of the White House Travel Office fired; they were reported to the FBI for "gross mismanagement" and their reputations ruined. After a thirty-month investigation, only one, Billy Dale, was charged with a crime - mixing personal money with White House funds when he cashed checks. The jury acquitted him in less than two hours.

- Another of Hillary's assumed duties was directing the "bimbo eruption squad" and scandal defense:

--- She urged her husband not to settle the Paula Jones lawsuit.

--- She refused to release the Whitewater documents, which led to the appointment of Ken Starr as Special Prosecutor. After $80 million dollars of taxpayer money was spent, Starr's investigation led to Monica Lewinsky, which led to Bill lying about and later admitting his affairs.

--- Then they had to settle with Paula Jones after all.

--- And Bill lost his law license for lying to the grand jury.

--- And Bill was impeached by the House.

--- And Hillary almost got herself indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice (she avoided it mostly because she repeated, "I do not recall," "I have no recollection," and "I don't know" 56 times under oath).

- Hillary wrote, "It Takes a Village," demonstrating her Socialist viewpoint.

- Hillary decided to seek election to the Senate in a state she had never lived in. Her husband pardoned FALN terrorists in order to get Latino support and the New Square Hassidim to get Jewish support. Hillary also had Bill pardon her brother's clients, for a small fee, to get financial support.

- Then Hillary left the White House, but later had to return $200,000 in White House furniture, china, and artwork she had stolen.

- In the campaign for the Senate, Hillary played the "woman card" by portraying her opponent (Lazio) as a bully picking on her.

- Hillary's husband further protected her by asking the National Archives to withhold from the public until 2012 many records of their time in the White House, including much of Hillary's correspondence and her calendars. (There are ongoing lawsuits to force the release of those records.)

As the junior Senator from New York, Hillary has passed no major legislation. She has deferred to the senior Senator Schumer to tend to the needs of New Yorkers, even on the hot issue of medical problems of workers involved in the cleanup of Ground Zero after 9/11.

Hillary's one notable vote, supporting the plan to invade Iraq, she has since disavowed.

Quite a resume, isn't it?

You can't believe a word that either Clinton says. They are the ultimate grifters.

Democratic National Convention schedule




7:20 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST

7:25 pm NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton

7:45 pm CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - Darryl Hannah

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST


8:15 pm GAY WEDDING PLANNING - Rosie O'Donnell

8:35 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST


9.00 pm MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon


11:00 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST



11:30 pm OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST


12:15 am TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore

12:25 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST

12:30 am SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


1:00 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST


1:30 am Ted Kennedy PROPOSES A TOAST

1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hilary home

A fascinating picture

This picture was done with one pen stroke. It starts on the tip of the nose and ends on the bottom of the picture. Check out the copyright date.

Shirley and Marcy

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week.

Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'

The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodnest,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?'

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'Every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace. May Shirley Goodnest and Marcy be with you today and always.

Use your tax rebate wisely!

The federal government is sending each and everyone of us approximately between a $300 - $1,200 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India .

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala .

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan .

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan ...

and none of it will help the American economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA .

Housekeeping tips

1. Reheat Pizza Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza. I saw this on the cooking channel and it really works.

2. Easy Deviled Eggs Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Ad! d remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.

3. Expanding Frosting When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.

4. Reheating refrigerated bread To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster. !

5. Newspaper weeds away Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers.

6. Broken Glass Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip to pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.

7. No More Mosquitoes Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away

8. Squirrel Away! To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.

9. Flexible vacuum To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

10. Reducing Static Cling Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and * ta da! -- static is gone.

11. Measuring Cups Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

12. Foggy Windshield? Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!

13. Reopening envelope If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside , just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily

14. Conditioner Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...

15. Goodbye Fruit Flies To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

16. Get Rid of Ants Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it "home", can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Padres 2008 - Games 1-10

The Padres start the season with hopes of a playoff position at the end. It's spring, after all. We'll see.

Game 1, Monday, 31 March, Houston at San Diego, Pads win 4-0 as Jake Peavy and two relievers shut out the Astros. The Pads had 14 hits, no homers. After 1 game: 1-0 overall, 1-0 at home, 0-0 on the road. We were there in 312-4-16.

Game 2, Tuesday, 1 April, Houston at San Diego, Pads win 2-1 as Chris Young and 4 relievers limit the Astros again, Hoffman saves. Scott Hairston hit a two-run homer off Brandon Backe in the 4th for the only runs. After 2 games: 2-0 overall, 2-0 at home, 0-0 on the road, Runs 6-1, Homers 1-0.

Game 3, Wednesday, 2 April, Houston at San Diego. Astros win 9-6 as Trevor Hoffman gives up 4 runs in the 9th, blows the save and loses the game. Maddux gave up three solo homers also. Hairston and Gonzalez homered for the Pads in a see-saw game. After 3 games: 2-1 overall, 2-1 at home, 0-0 on the road, Runs 12-10, Homers 3-4.

Game 4, Thursday, 3 April, Houston at San Diego. Pads win 3-2 as Randy Wolf goes 6 innings, but doesn't get the win because the Astros tied it 2-2 in the 7th. Kevin Kouzmanoff hit a 2-run homer in the 1st, and Tadahito Iguchi drove in Scott Hairston in the 7th. Trevor Hoffman pitched a perfect 9th for his 2nd save. After 4 games: 3-1 overall, 3-1 at home, 0-0 on the road, Runs 15-12, Homers 4-4.

Game 5, Friday, 4 April, LA Dodgers at San Diego. Dodgers win 7-1. This was a good game for 6 innings. Hiroki Kuroda shut the Pads down until Brian Giles tied it with a HR in the 6th. Justin Germano went 6, giving up one unearned run. Joe Thatcher walked the bases loaded in the 7th, and by the time Glendon Rusch got the third out, 6 runs had scored. After 5 games: 3-2 overall, 3-2 at home, 0-0 on the road, Runs 16-19, Homers 5-4.

Game 6, Saturday, 5 April, LA Dodgers at San Diego. Pads win 4-1. Jake Peavy (2-0) pitched a complete game two-hitter, striking out 8. The Pads roughed up Brad Penny for 4 runs on 6 hits in the first inning. After 6 games, the Pads are 4-2 overall, 4-2 at home, 0-0 on the road, Runs 20-20, Homers 5-4.

Game 7, Sunday, 6 April, LA Dodgers at San Diego. Dodgers win 3-2. Chris Young and Derek Lowe both pitched well enough to win. Trevor Hoffman got his 2nd loss of the season after giving up a run in the 9th to break the tie. After 7 games, the Pads are 4-3 overall, 4-3 at home, -.0 on the road, Runs 22-23, Homers 5-5.

Game 8, Monday, 7 April, San Diego at San Francisco. Pads win, 8-4. Greg Maddux (1-0)pitched 6 innings and gave up only one run. The Pads scored 4 runs in the first on Matt Cain, with Adrian Gonzalez homer the big blow. After 8 games, the Pads are 5-3 overall, 4-3 at home, 1-0 on the road, Runs 30-27, Homers 6-5.

Game 9, Tuesday, April 8, San Diego at San Francisco. Giants win 3-2 in 11 innings. Randy Wolf pitched well, giving up only 2 runs in 7 innings. The Pads got a single run in the 6th on Hairston's homer and scored the typing run in the 8th on Brian Giles Sac Fly. In the 11th, Benjie Molina hit his second homer of the game to win it off of Cla Meredith. After 9 games, the Pads are 5-4 overall, 4-3 at home, 1-1 on the road, Runs 32-30, Homers 6-7.

Game 10, Wednesday, April 9, San Diego at San Francisco. Giants win, 1-0. Daniel Ortmeier doubled home a run in the bottom of the inth off Heath Bell to win the second walk-off game in a row. Justin Germano and Padres relievers pitcvhed well, but the offense couldn't solve Jonathan Sanchez or Giants relievers.

After 10 games, the Pads are 5-5 overall, 4-3 at home, 1-2 on the road, Runs 32-31, Homers 6-7.

Hitting statistics (Avg, H-AB, HR-RBI, BB-SO)

Brian Giles - 0.297, 11-37, 1-5, 4-2
Tadahito Iguchi - 0.302, 13-43, 0-1, 2-8
Adrian Gonzalez - 0.310, 13-42, 2-6, 2-9
Kevin Kouzmanoff - 0.300, 12-40, 1-4, 2-8
Jim Edmonds - 0.286, 6-21, 0-2, 0-8
Kahlil Greene - 0.282, 11-39, 0-5, 1-11
Scott Hairston - 0.235, 8-34, 2-4, 5-11
Josh Bard - 0.292, 7-24, 0-1, 4-3

TEAM: 0.282, 96-340, 6-31, 28-78

Pitching Statistics (W-L, ERA, G-IP, H-ER, BB-SO)

Justin Germano -- 0-0, 0.00, 2-13.0, 7-0, 3-6
Jake Peavy -- 2-0, 0.56, 2-16.0, 5-1, 4-12
Chris Young -- 1-0, 2.13, 2-12.2, 10-3, 8-11
Randy Wolf -- 0-0, 2.25, 2-12.0, 9-3, 3-9
Greg Maddux -- 1-0, 2.77, 2-13.0, 9-4, 2-8

Heath Bell - 0-1, 1.35, 6-6.2, 6-1, 2-2
Cla Meredith -- 0-1, 1.80, 5-5.0, 3-1, 0-3
Joe Thatcher -- 0-1, 11.25, 4-4.0, 4-5, 4-4
Trevor Hoffman -- 0-2, 12.27, 4-3.2, 5-5, 2-3
Enrique Gonzalez -- 1-0, 15.43, 3-2.1, 4-4, 2-1

TEAM PITCHING: 5-5, 2.97, 10-91.0, 86-29, 32-63