Tuesday, October 21, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 8

The seventh week of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 8-6 picking winners (60-42 on the year), while Las Vegas was 9-5 picking winners (69-32-1 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 8 (solely based on my Power Ratings - Las Vegas odds in () ):

SUNDAY, 26 October:

San Diego (3-4) (-3) and New Orleans (3-4) in London: Chargers by 1
Buffalo (5-1) (-1.5) at Miami (2-4): Buffalo by 6
Washington (5-2) (-7.5) at Detroit (0-6): Washington by 11
Tampa Bay (5-2) (off) at Dallas (4-3): Tampa Bay by 1
Oakland (2-4) (+7) at Baltimore (4-2): Baltimore by 10
Kansas City (1-5) (+12.5) at New York Jets (3-3): New York Jets by 12
St. Louis (2-4) (+off) at New England (4-2): New England by 11
Arizona (4-2) (+4.5) at Carolina (5-2): Carolina by 5
Atlanta (4-2) (+8.5) at Philadelphia (3-3): Philadelphia by 2
Cincinnati (0-7) (+10) at Houston (2-4): Houston by 11
Cleveland (2-4) (+6.5) at Jacksonville (3-3): Jacksonville by 6
New York Giants (5-1) (-2.5) at Pittsburgh (5-1): Pittsburgh by 1
Seattle (1-5) (+3) at San Francisco (2-5): San Francisco by 6

MONDAY, 27 October:

Indianapolis (3-3) (+4) at Tennessee (6-0): Tennessee by 14

BYES: Denver, Chicago, Green Bay, Minnesota.

The Chargers didn't score enough on offense, or get close to the QB in the 23-14 loss to the Bills. This week, the Chargers take on the Saints in London - it's a road trip for both teams. This is a crucial game for both teams - whoever loses is 3-5 and probably misses the playoffs. I see it Chargers 31, Saints 30.

t the risk of being laughed at, here are my NFL power ratings after seven weeks:

1. Tennessee Titans (6-0) -- 31
2. New York Giants (5-1) -- 30
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-1) -- 28
4. Buffalo Bills (5-1) -- 27
5. Tampa Bay Bucs (5-2) -- 26

6. Carolina Panthers (5-2) -- 25
7. Washington Redskins (5-2) -- 24
8. Arizona Cardinals (4-2) -- 23
9. Atlanta Falcons (4-2) -- 22
10. Dallas Cowboys (4-3) -- 22

11. Chicago Bears (4-3) -- 22
12. New England Patriots (4-2) -- 22
13. Green Bay Packers (4-3) -- 21
14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3) -- 21
15. Baltimore Ravens (3-3) -- 21

16. San Diego Chargers (3-4) -- 21
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3) -- 20
18. Indianapolis Colts (3-3) -- 20
19. New Orleans Saints (3-4) -- 20
20. Denver Broncos (4-3) - 20

21. New York Jets (3-3) -- 19
22. Minnesota Vikings (3-4) -- 18
23. Miami Dolphins (2-4) -- 18
24. Cleveland Browns (2-4) -- 17
25. Houston Texans (2-4) -- 17

26. Oakland Raiders (2-4) -- 14
27. St. Louis Rams (2-4) -- 14
28. San Francisco 49ers (2-5) -- 13
29. Seattle Seahawks (1-5) -- 10
30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5) -- 9

31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-6) -- 9
32. Detroit Lions (0-6) -- 8

10 Things Dogs Hate About humans

'1' Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!!


'2' Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG


'3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?


'4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!


'5' Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.


'6' The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.


'7' Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!


'8' Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.


'9' Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?


'10' How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?


Columbo wonders...

Excuse me Mr. Obama, I mean Senator Obama, sir. Um . . . know you are busy and important and stuff. I mean running for president is very important and . . . ah . . . I hate to bother you. I will only take a minute ok, sir?
See, I have these missing pieces that are holding me up, and I was wondering sir, if you could take time out of your busy schedule and help me out. You know, no big deal, just some loose ends and things.
Hey, you have a nice place here! The wife sees houses like this on TV all the time and says boy she wishes she had digs like this you know? Is that painting real? Really? Wow. I saw something like that in a museum once!
Oh, sorry sir. I didn't mean to get off the track. So if you could just help me out a minute and give me some details, I will get right out of your way. I want to close this case and maybe take the wife to Coney Island or something. Ever been to Coney Island ? No, I didn't think so. .
Well, listen, anyways, I can't seem to get some information I need to wrap this up. These things seem to either be "locked" or "not available'. I'm sure it's just some oversight or glitch or something, so if you could you tell me where these things are . . . I . . I . . . have them written down here somewhere . . oh wait.
Sorry about the smears. It was raining out. I'll just read it to you.
Could you help me please find these things, sir?

1. Occidental College records -- Not released
2. Columbia College records -- Not released
3. Columbia Thesis paper -- "not available"
4. Harvard College records -- Not released
5. Selective Service Registration -- Not released
6. Medical records -- Not released
7. Illinois State Senate schedule -- "not available"
8. Law practice client list -- Not released
9. Certified Copy of original Birth certificate -- Not released
10. Embossed, signed paper Certification of Live Birth -- Not released
11. Harvard Law Review articles published -- None
12. University of Chicago scholarly articles -- None
13. Your Record of baptism-- Not released or "not available"
14. Your Illinois State Senate records--"not available"

Oh hey listen! I know you are busy! Is this too much for you now? I mean tell you what. I will come back tomorrow. Give you some time to get these things together, you know? I mean, I know you are busy, so I will just let myself out. I will be back tomorrow.
Who wants to know these things? asked Senator Obama.
Columbo answered: A, just me, Sir --and the rest of THE PEOPLE of America!

New Song Titles

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers: They include:

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip ?

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now!

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba --- Denture Queen

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want Too!

And my favorite: Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

How did the fight start?

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station..... And that's how the fight started....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started.


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt .' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'. And that's how the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat a lone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she 's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that 's how the fight started.....


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started.....


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started.....

More senior moments

'WHERE IS MY SUNDAY PAPER?' The irate customer loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

The newspaper employee answered, 'Ma'am, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper won't be delivered until tomorrow.'

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. Then she was heard to mutter, 'Well, shit ... that's why nobody was at church today.'

Share the Wealth!

From my email:

Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference -- just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $5 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.

At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 7

The sixth week of the NFL regular season was terrible for me -- I was 6-8 picking winners (52-36 on the year), while Las Vegas was 9-5 picking winners (60-27-1 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 7 (Las Vegas odds in () ):

SUNDAY, 19 October:

San Diego (3-3) (-1.5) at Buffalo (4-1): San Diego by 3
Tennessee (5-0) (-7) at Kansas City (1-4): Tennessee by 10
Pittsburgh (4-1) (-9.5) at Cincinnati (0-6): Pittsburgh by 13
Baltimore (2-3) (+3) at Miami (2-3): Miami by 7
Dallas (4-2) (-7) at St. Louis (1-4): Dallas by 7
Minnesota (3-3) (+3) at Chicago (3-3): Chicago by 3
New Orleans (3-3) (+3) at Carolina (4-2): New Orleans by 3
San Francisco (2-4) (+10.5) at New York Giants (4-1): New York Giants by 13
Detroit (0-5) (+8.5) at Houston (1-4): Houston by 7
New York Jets (3-2) (-3.5) at Oakland (1-4): New York Jets by 7
Cleveland (2-3) (+7) at Washington (4-2): Washington by 6
Indianapolis (3-2) (-1) at Green Bay (3-3): Indianapolis by 3
Seattle (1-4) (+10.5) at Tampa Bay (4-2): Tampa Bay by 13

MONDAY, 20 October:

Denver (4-2) (+3) at New England (3-2): New England by 3

BYES: Cincinnati (0-6), Jacksonville (3-3), Arizona (4-2) and Philadelphia (3-3)

The Chargers had an almost perfect game against the Patriots, winning 30-10 and it wasn't that close. This week, the 3-3 Chargers travel to 4-1 Buffalo. I think this will be a close game - I call it Chargers 27, Bills 20.

At the risk of being laughed at, here are my NFL power ratings after six weeks:

1. Tennessee Titans (5-0) -- 31
2. New York Giants (4-1) -- 29
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1) -- 27
4. Dallas Cowboys (4-2) -- 26
5. Buffalo Bills (4-1) -- 26

6. Tampa Bay Bucs (4-2) -- 25
7. Denver Broncos (4-2) - 24
8. Carolina Panthers (4-2) -- 24
9. Washington Redskins (4-2) -- 23
10. Arizona Cardinals (4-2) -- 23

11. Atlanta Falcons (4-2) -- 22
12. San Diego Chargers (3-3) -- 22
13. Indianapolis Colts (3-2) -- 22
14. New Orleans Saints (3-3) -- 21
15. New York Jets (3-2) -- 21

16. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3) -- 21
17. Chicago Bears (3-3) -- 21
18. New England Patriots (3-2) -- 21
19. Baltimore Ravens (2-3) -- 20
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3) -- 20

21. Green Bay Packers (3-3) -- 20
22. Minnesota Vikings (3-3) -- 19
23. Miami Dolphins (2-3) -- 19
24. San Francisco 49ers (2-4) -- 17
25. Cleveland Browns (2-3) -- 17

26. Houston Texans (1-4) -- 15
27. Oakland Raiders (1-4) -- 13
28. Seattle Seahawks (1-4) -- 12
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4) -- 10
30. St. Louis Rams (1-4) -- 10

31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-5) -- 10
32. Detroit Lions (0-5) -- 8

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

You have to try this , it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon............

This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't.

It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Send it to your friends to frustrate them too!

Cartoons of the week

Catching Wild Pigs?

A chemistry professor in a large college had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab, the Professor noticed one young man (an exchange student) who kept rubbing his back, and stretching as if his back hurt.

The professor asked the young man what the trouble was. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government.

In the midst of relating his story, he looked at the professor and asked a strange question: "Do you know how to catch wild pigs?"

The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punchline. The young man said it was no joke. "You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and come every day to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They will get used to that and start to eat once again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, now used to the free corn, will come through the gate to eat; then you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.

"Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are now so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves anyway, so they simply accept their captivity."

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America. The government keeps pushing us into socialism and keeps spreading the free corn in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc...all the while we continue to lose our freedoms...just a little at a time.

One should always remember: There is no such thing as a free lunch! Also, a politician will never provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.

So...if you see that all of this wonderful government "help" is a problem confronting the future of our democracy in America, you might want to send this on to your friends. On the other hand, if you think the free ride is essential to your way of life, you can simply delete this - but God help you when the gate slams shut!

This is a vitally important election year, listen to what the candidates are promising you...just maybe you'll be able to tell which of them is about to slam the gate on America.

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have." -- Thomas Jefferson

Husband of the Year pictures

So which of these guys should get the Husband of the Year award?

Ad for Single Black Female

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please scroll down ..

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Beer and Taxes

From my email -- this IS the USA tax system:


Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

I guess the bartender ate the remaining dollar but it is not really germane to the outcome. Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

'I only got a dollar out of the $20 declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, 'but he got $10!'

'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'

'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008


Do you know what happened back in 1850, 158 years ago?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

I Have some Questions...

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?


If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?


If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?


Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?


If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?


Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"


What hair colo r do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?


Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?


If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

Roping a Deer

From my email ( Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! )

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home. I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work.

In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

NFL Picks - Week 6

The fifth week of the NFL regular season was better for me than the fourth, but not by much. I was 10-4 picking winners (46-28 on the year), while Las Vegas was 9-5 picking winners (51-22-1 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 6 (Las Vegas odds in () ):

SUNDAY, 12 October:

New England (3-1) (+6.5) at San Diego (2-3): New England by 4
Oakland (1-3) (+7.5) at New Orleans (2-3): New Orleans by 9
Baltimore (2-2) (+5.5) at Indianapolis (2-2): Baltimore by 1
Cincinnati (0-5) (+6) at New York Jets (2-2): NY Jets by 7
Carolina (4-1) (+2) at Tampa Bay (3-2): Carolina by 3
Detroit (0-4) (+13.5) at Minnesota (2-3): Minnesota by 16
Chicago (3-2) (+2.5) at Atlanta (3-2): Chicago by 3
Miami (2-2) (+3) at Houston (0-4): Miami by 7
St. Louis (0-5) (+13.5) at Washington (4-1): Washington by 14
Jacksonville (2-3) (+3.5) at Denver (4-1): Jacksonville by 3
Philadelphia (2-3) (-5) at San Francisco (2-3): Philadelphia by 3
Dallas (4-1) (-5.5) at Arizona (3-2): Dallas by 7
Green Bay (2-3) (+3) at Seattle (1-3): Green Bay by 3

MONDAY, 13 October:

New York Giants (4-0) (-7.5) at Cleveland (1-3): NY Giants by 13

BYES: Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Tennessee.

The Chargers had another one of those games where the offense was impotent in the first half, behind 17-3 at half time. It didn't get much better as the Dolphins staged a goal line stand, and ran out the clock, to upset the Chargers 17-10. The defense got dominated by Miami's running game, which allowed Pennington to pass efficiently. The Chargers offensive line was dominated by the Dolphins line and backers, and the receivers couldn't get open. It was a terribly frustrating game to watch.

This week the New England Patriots come to town for a Sunday night game on NBC. Unless the Chargers heal fast (Chambers, Goff, Hardwick, Rivers, Gates, etc.), I don't see the Chargers offense being able to score more than 20 points. I don't think the Chargers' defense is that good - I call it New England 24, San Diego 20.

At the risk of being laughed at, here are my NFL power ratings after five weeks:

1. New York Giants (4-0) -- 31
2. Tennessee Titans (5-0) -- 31
3. Dallas Cowboys (4-1) -- 28
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1) -- 27
5. Buffalo Bills (4-1) -- 26

6. Denver Broncos (4-1) - 26
7. Carolina Panthers (4-1) -- 26
8. Washington Redskins (4-1) -- 25
9. Tampa Bay Bucs (3-2) -- 24
10. Chicago Bears (3-2) -- 23

11. New England Patriots (3-1) -- 23
12. Baltimore Ravens (2-2) -- 22
13. Arizona Cardinals (3-2) -- 21
14. Atlanta Falcons (3-2) -- 21
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3) -- 20

16. San Diego Chargers (2-3) -- 20
17. New Orleans Saints (2-3) -- 20
18. New York Jets (2-2) -- 20

19. Indianapolis Colts (2-2) -- 20
20. Miami Dolphins (2-2) -- 19

21. Green Bay Packers (2-3) -- 19
22. Minnesota Vikings (2-3) -- 19
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-3) -- 18
24. San Francisco 49ers (2-3) -- 18
25. Cleveland Browns (1-3) -- 15

26. Oakland Raiders (1-3) -- 14
27. Seattle Seahawks (1-3) -- 13
28. Houston Texans (0-4) -- 12
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4) -- 10
30. Cincinnati Bengals (0-5) -- 10

31. Detroit Lions (0-4) -- 9
32. St. Louis Rams (0-4) -- 8

The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a thank-you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank-you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a thank-you card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

New discovery - heaviest element yet

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay, but undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes, not to mention multiple oxymorons.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. That hypothetical quantity might normally be called "critical mass" but, in this unique case it is known as "critical mess".

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Am), another just-discovered element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

My hat's off the the author, he or she is a genius.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Bill Ayers doesn't like America

So does Barack Obama agree with what Ayres says about America? Someone should ask him.

Is this the 3 a.m. phone call?

Maybe that was the infamous "Three in the morning" phone call that Hillary was talking about. He was too tired to pick it up the right way. You did notice the time on the back wall, right? I don't think that 3:00 was coincidental, do you? And what about the Dufus sitting on the floor to his right (the viewers left). You would think he could get his left hand out of the way long enough to shoot the photo op. And what was he doing on the floor anyway?

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The Bailout

What are these people laughing at?

They are part of the problem, not part of the solution.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 5

The fourth week of the NFL regular season was not a good one for me, except for the Chargers win. I was 7-6 picking winners (36-24 on the year), while Las Vegas was 10-3 picking winners (42-17-1 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 4 (Las Vegas odds in () ):

Sunday, 5 October:

San Diego (2-2) (-7.5) at Miami (1-2): San Diego by 10
Indianapolis (1-2) (-3) at Houston (0-3): Indianapolis by 7
Tennessee (4-0) (-3) at Baltimore (2-1): Baltimore by 3
Kansas City (1-3) (+9.5) at Carolina (3-1): Carolina by 6
Washington (3-1) (+5.5) at Philadelphia (2-2): Washington by 3
Chicago (2-2) (-3) at Detroit (0-3): Chicago by 10
Atlanta (2-2) (+7) at Green Bay (2-2): Green Bay by 3
Seattle (1-2) (+7) at New York Giants (3-0): New York Giants by 17
Tampa Bay (3-1) (+3) at Denver (3-1): Denver by 7
New England (2-1) (-3) at San Francisco (2-2): New England by 7
Buffalo (4-0) (+1) at Arizona (2-2): Buffalo by 9
Cincinnati (0-4) (+13) at Dallas (3-1): Dallas by 24
Pittsburgh (3-1) (+4) at Jacksonville (2-2): Pittsburgh by 3

MONDAY, 6 October:

Minnesota (1-3) (+3) at New Orleans (2-2): Minnesota by 3

BYES: Oakland, Cleveland, New York Jets, St. Louis

The Chargers had another one of those games where the offense was impotent in the first half, behind 15-0 at half time. We scored a field goal in the 3rd quarter to make it 15-3, went ahead 18-5 but were tied by the Raiders at 18-18, then scored 10 points to make the final score 28-18 Bolts. The defense played the run much better in this game, had 6 sacks and a decent pass rush, and defended the long pass well.

This week, the Chargers are in Miami, which had a bye last week after beating the Patriots badly at New England. I think the Chargers are on a roll - I call it 34-24 Chargers.

At the risk of being laughed at, here are my NFL power ratings after four weeks:

1. New York Giants (3-0) -- 30
2. Tennessee Titans (4-0) -- 30
3. Buffalo Bills (4-0) -- 29
4. Dallas Cowboys (3-1) -- 26
5. Denver Broncos (3-1) - 24

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) -- 24
7. Tampa Bay Bucs (3-1) -- 24
8. Washington Redskins (3-1) -- 23
9. Carolina Panthers (3-1) -- 23
10. San Diego Chargers (2-2) -- 23

11. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2) -- 23
12. Baltimore Ravens (2-1) -- 23
13. Green Bay Packers (2-2) -- 21
14. New Orleans Saints (2-2) -- 21
15. Chicago Bears (2-2) -- 21

16. New York Jets (2-2) -- 20
17. New England Patriots (2-1) -- 19
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2) -- 19
19. Arizona Cardinals (2-2) -- 19
20. San Francisco 49ers (2-2) -- 19

21. Atlanta Falcons (2-2) -- 19
22. Seattle Seahawks (1-2) -- 19
23. Indianapolis Colts (1-2) -- 18
24. Miami Dolphins (1-2) -- 17
25. Cleveland Browns (1-3) -- 16

26. Minnesota Vikings (1-3) -- 16
27. Oakland Raiders (1-3) -- 15
28. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3) -- 14
29. Houston Texans (0-3) -- 12
30. Cincinnati Bengals (0-4) -- 12

31. Detroit Lions (0-3) -- 9
32. St. Louis Rams (0-4) -- 8