Saturday, September 23, 2006

Lucas' Birthday Party

We celebrated Lucas' third birthday at the beach - there were 28 adults and 27 kids under age 5 at this party. Everyone had a great time. The kids had a treasure hunt in the sand. There was plenty to eat, including a great birthday cake. The weather was perfect - blue sky, calm winds, mild temperatures.

Here are some of the photos:

Mom and Lucas had only one quiet moment at the beach:

Lucas and his balloons at the beach - he even wore his wet suit.

Lucas and Grandpa try to get the kite up in the air.

Lucas and some of his friends:

Lucas with his friends admire the birthday cake just before everybody blew the candle out:

Logan enjoyed eating sand, not to mention his dinner.

We had a great time.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Lucas and Logan photos

We visited grandsons Lucas and Logan two weeks ago and had a wonderful time. Lucas just turned 3 and is really active - he jumps all over and off of the furniture and runs everywhere - we got him a tumbling mat for his birthday.

Logan is 7 months old and is almost crawling - he can't get his belly off the floor yet. He's a very happy and good-natured baby.

Here are some pictures:

Logan and Grandpa had a great time talking about genealogy:

Logan loves to play in his jump seat - he's building up his leg strength.

Logan loves to play with Grandma Linda. She sings to him and tickles him.

Lucas is hard to get to sit still - Grandma loves to read books and rub noses with him. Here they are trying to put a kite together.

Lucas took Grandpa on the steam engine train at Roaring Camp - we had a fun time.

Lucas loves his mommy, although it's hard to catch him. Here he's gone Hollywood.

Lucas and Grandpa enjoy "working" on the computer, building things and throwing rocks in the river.

Our New England Vacation

Linda and I went to New England on vacation, leaving on 22 August and returning on 3 September. We visited with my cousins in Salem NH and Westford MA, and with my Aunt Gerry and her husband in Augusta ME.

We visited Portsmouth NH Strawberry Banke Museum and America's Stonehenge in Salem NH, among other tourist sites. Linda went to Rockport MA with cousins one day, and I had a day of cemetery hopping in the rain. We even visited Hanover NH and White River Junction VT in our travels (my dad attended Dartmouth for a year or two).

Here are some of my pictures from the trip.

Bob and Virginia are doing well in Salem.

Here's Virginia with daughters Diana, Beth and Debbie on the swing in Virginia's back yard.

Over at Beth's house, with Bob, Virginia, Diana, Linda, Beth and David.

Virginia, Linda and I visited Portsmouth NH for lunch at the Oar House, then stopped at Strawbery Banke for a look-see.

Virginia and I visited America's Stonehenge in North Salem on afternoon - this purports to have astronomical stone placements, but it may be a hoax. We had a nice walk, anyway.

Linda and I spent a pleasant afternoon and evening dinner with Peter, Barbie and Judy in Westford, talking about the family and especially grandchildren.

We spent three days in Augusta ME with Gerry and Jim - had several nice meals and many good laughs and memories about the family.

Dinner with Gerry and Jim at the nicest hotel in Augusta.

I visited Leominster's Evergreen Cemetery to see the Seaver stones. Here is the Frank and Hattie Seaver stone - note the two stones in the ground in front of their stone.

Ed Seaver's stone in front of the Frank Seaver stone.

Janet Seaver's stone in front of the Frank Seaver stone.

We had an enjoyable New England trip. We got home just in time for brother Stanley's birthday party.

My Grand-hound is a Poet!

Who knew a basset hound had this much talent?

My grand-hound Walter usually has the front page article of The Basseteer quarterly newsletter, published by the Basset Hound Rescue of Southern California organization.

The September newsletter is here. Walter has written several haikus from a bassert hounds point of view. Hilarious!

That's my slobbering, licking, loving big boy!

First Place Padres 150 game report

Due to my extended vacations, I haven't produced a Padres update for a month.

After 150 games, the Padres are in first place in the NL West with a 79 win, 71 loss record (39-37 at home, 40-34 on road). The team ERA is #1 in the NL (3.93) but the team batting average (0.262), runs scored (678) and homers hit (151) are in the 11th to 14th place range.

Since my last report at 120 games, the Padres have won 19, lost 11 (11-3 at home, 8-8 on road). They have scored 146 runs in the last 30 games, and given up only 106.

The scores over the last 30 games were:

4-8 SF Peavy started
8-2 Ariz Williams started
3-5 Ariz Thompson started
2-1 Ariz Young started
4-2 LA Stauffer started
1-0 LA Peavy started
7-2 LA Williams started
5-13 @Colo Thompson started
5-2 @Colo Young started
3-6 @Colo Peavy started

4-7 @Ariz Williams started
8-3 @Ariz Thompson started
4-1 @Ariz Young started
2-6 Cin Hensley started
7-1 Cin Peavy started
2-1 Cin Wells started
7-5 Colo Williams started
5-4 Colo Young started
2-0 Colo Peavy started
0-4 @SF Hensley started

4-5 @SF Wells started
10-2 @SF Williams started
4-5 @Cin Young started
10-0 @Cin Peavy started
4-2 @Cin Hensley started
1-3 @LA Wells started
11-2 @LA Williams started
2-1 @LA Young started
10-11 (10) @LA Peavy started
5-2 Ariz Hensley started

That's the past - now for the future. My Pads are well placed to go to the NL playoffs - either as the NL West champ or as the wild card (lead Philly by 1-1/2 games). I still think that it will take 87 wins to ensure a playoff spot. That is attainable - in the last 12 games, we need 8 wins against Snakes (6 games), Pirates (3 games) and Cards (3 games). We just need to win each series to get there.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. So she said to him, "Tomorrow morning, I Expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds...AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Checks in the Mail

All last year Grandpa and Grandma Johnson have been receiving $500.00 checks in the mail every month and cashing them.

It turns out the insurance company made a mistake with the address. The checks were intended for another Edwin P. Johnson, and now Grandpa receives notice he has to pay back $6,000.00.

Visibly upset, he complains to his grandson, an accountant. His grandson asks, "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa answered, "I just figured the Democrats were back in power."

The Bartender

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"???

The man thought a moment then replied "A martini please"?

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel' 'the latest medical break through' etc........

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat.

Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have??

"A Martini please".

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?'

This time the man answered "Oh about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool....

Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh.. bout 50"..

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"

Anger Management Works!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an
asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a
yellow Rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Lauren came to visit

Lauren and her mom and dad came to visit us two weeks ago. Here are some pictures of her:

Lauren loves to read books with Grandma.

Lauren meets the character "Red Ruff" at the Padres game at Petco Park.

Lauren loves to go to the Padres game with Grandpa.

Lauren loves ice cream too. I think dad, mom and grandma are jealous - look at their tongues!

Questions that need to be answered

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
were buried in for eternity???

Why does pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham have anyway?

How is it that we put man on the moon, before we figured out that luggage needed wheels?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, it is still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi and work in the Coke factory will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV.?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change and they are going to see you naked anyway?

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who do they call?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze those dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the refrigerator, and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license why do they tell you to smile, like you are going to smile if you get pulled over for a ticket?

If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, how come he can't fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They are both dogs.

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see in their dream?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil from vegetables, what is baby oil made of???

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and twinkle little star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, and a hemorrhoid when its in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad, but when you take him for a ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address in the first place?

Important Info for Retired Men

Important info for retired men - women, don't read this! Clarence has some personal testimony here:


It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Clarence. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Marie.

When I took "early retirement", it became necessary for Marie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Grill at the club so eating out is not a reasonable option. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my experience as a manager helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points.

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps.I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of her aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys...., we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think that is another one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.

I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Marie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


[ EDITOR'S NOTE: Clarence passed away suddenly Thursday May 26th. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Marie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it, and died!]

Test for Old Kids

This is a test for us old kids! The answers are in the comments below, but don't you cheat.

READY????? Here we go!

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?____________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ___________________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best _______________."

08. Satchmo was America's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ____________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________

The answers are in the Comments section.

Who needs to be able to spell?

I guess this is the case for "whole word" reading in schools that I've heard about...but the student needs to know what the letters sound like, don't they?


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thuohgt spleling was ipmorantt !


The point here is that you can make out what the message is by scrambling the letters within the word, but not the first and last letters of each word.

I wonder if the CIA can decipher this method?

I Got 54

Here is a game for those horndogs who care to try it...

Guess the celebrity's bra size:

Of course, they make you guess based on hiding the assets.


Raising Boys

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4" deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much J ell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of them approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, Ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice.

"I hope not, its only 2130 now"

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The greatest club of all

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~ Gene Perret

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~ Author Unknown

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~ Ogden Nash

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now her day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~ Author unknown

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her GRANDmother. ~Author Unknown

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents move to Florida. ~Dave Barry

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown

If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie

Why I don't work out much...

Dear Diary.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress .


Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.


Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

They're Big in Texas

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 15 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 15 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So... How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "11 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15 pounds the day he was born!"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."