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Political Cartoon of the Week

This Never Works Out Well

From my email...

How to save the airlines

From my email...

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see near naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would not get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues and profits.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to think of all the good ideas, and do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Smartest woman?

From my email...

An airplane was about to crash. There were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U.S. president, a former US Senator and am now Secretary of State. I’m also the smartest woman in American history and the American people don't want me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Ted Kennedy, said I am a US Senator, the Democratic Party needs me, and my liver still has some good years left. So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, Billy Graham, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Christian I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my school bag."

Letter to Hillary

From my email...

July 16, 2008
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton
United States Senate
476 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, D.C. 20510

Dear Mrs. Clinton:

I recently read where you have incurred substantial debt with your unsuccessful campaign for the Democratic Presidential nomination. Your plight concerns me and I would like to help as much as I can. I would certainly hate for you to feel pressured, due to the size of your debt, to support a candidate that you do not truly believe is ready to be 'Commander in Chief on Day One.'

I have always believed that our form of government, while less than perfect, is the best the world has to offer. I've also always believed that Congress with 535 elected members has more power to do good for this country than only one person or even nine people. Congress has the power and ability to guide and direct this country like no other group.

I vividly remember in 2006 how the Democrats gained control of both houses of Congress trumpeting 'Change' and a better America. Let's review how that has worked out for us.

* Mortgage companies have declared bankruptcy costing thousands of people their jobs
* Home values have nose-dived
* Millions of Americans have lost their homes
* World oil prices have risen astronomically
* The Democrats continue to block drilling in oil rich reserves to continue and even increase our dependence on foreign oil
* Gasoline prices have increased to over $4 a gallon and there appears to be no end in sight even though Americans have reduced their driving over one billion miles a month.
* The stock market, where most Americans' retirement hopes are invested, has dropped by more than 15%.
* Food prices are increasing at an alarming rate fueled mostly by rising energy costs

All in all I'd have to say that the Democrats fulfilled their promise and have brought change to our country. It isn't good change, but it is change.

Nevertheless, and because of all this change, change is all I have to give you to help you retire your debt.

I am enclosing one penny for you to add to your campaign 'war chest.' I think that's a fair trade. Everything you've done for me is worth about a penny and because of the success of the Democrats, that's all I have. Just so you know that you really aren't alone in this, I had to borrow the penny from a friend.

I do have one simple request in return. I would really appreciate it if you could teach me how I can get the American people to pay off my debts that I knowingly and willingly incurred. Isn't this a great country?Good luck in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,An American citizen, patriot, veteran, taxpayer and voter
Col C Baxter Alexander
USAF ret

Dear Abby

Dear Abby...

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed, Worried in NY.

Suffering from ED?

Hilary's resume

Hillary Clinton has been telling America that she is the most qualified candidate for president based on her "record," which she says includes her eight years in the White House as First Lady - or "co-president" - and her seven years in the Senate.

Here is a reminder of what that record includes:

- As First Lady, Hillary assumed authority over Health Care Reform, a process that cost the taxpayers over $13 million. She told both Bill Bradley and Pat Moynihan, key votes needed to pass her legislation, that she would "demonize" anyone who opposed it. But it was opposed; she couldn't even get it to a vote in a Congress controlled by her own party. (And in the next election, her party lost control of both the House and Senate.)

- Hillary assumed authority over selecting a female Attorney General. Her first two recommendations (Zoe Baird and Kimba Wood) were forced to withdraw their names from consideration, and then she chose Janet Reno. Janet Reno has since been described by Bill himself as "my worst mistake."

- Hillary recommended Lani Guanier for head of the Civil Rights Commission. When Guanier's radical views became known, her name had to be withdrawn.

- Hillary recommended her former law partners, Web Hubbell, Vince Foster, and William Kennedy for positions in the Justice Department, White House staff, and the Treasury, respectively. Hubbell was later imprisoned, Foster committed suicide (?) and Kennedy was forced to resign.

- Hillary also recommended a close friend of the Clinton's, Craig Livingstone, for the position of director of White House security. When Livingstone was investigated for the improper access of up to 900 FBI files of Clinton enemies (Filegate) and the widespread use of drugs by White House staff, both Hillary and her husband denied knowing him. FBI agent Dennis Sculimbrene confirmed in a Senate Judiciary Committee in 1996 both the drug use and Hillary's involvement in hiring Livingstone. After that, the FBI closed its White House Liaison Office, after serving seven presidents for over thirty years.

- In order to open "slots" in the White House for her friends the Harry Thomasons (to whom millions of dollars in travel contracts could be awarded), Hillary had the entire staff of the White House Travel Office fired; they were reported to the FBI for "gross mismanagement" and their reputations ruined. After a thirty-month investigation, only one, Billy Dale, was charged with a crime - mixing personal money with White House funds when he cashed checks. The jury acquitted him in less than two hours.

- Another of Hillary's assumed duties was directing the "bimbo eruption squad" and scandal defense:

--- She urged her husband not to settle the Paula Jones lawsuit.

--- She refused to release the Whitewater documents, which led to the appointment of Ken Starr as Special Prosecutor. After $80 million dollars of taxpayer money was spent, Starr's investigation led to Monica Lewinsky, which led to Bill lying about and later admitting his affairs.

--- Then they had to settle with Paula Jones after all.

--- And Bill lost his law license for lying to the grand jury.

--- And Bill was impeached by the House.

--- And Hillary almost got herself indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice (she avoided it mostly because she repeated, "I do not recall," "I have no recollection," and "I don't know" 56 times under oath).

- Hillary wrote, "It Takes a Village," demonstrating her Socialist viewpoint.

- Hillary decided to seek election to the Senate in a state she had never lived in. Her husband pardoned FALN terrorists in order to get Latino support and the New Square Hassidim to get Jewish support. Hillary also had Bill pardon her brother's clients, for a small fee, to get financial support.

- Then Hillary left the White House, but later had to return $200,000 in White House furniture, china, and artwork she had stolen.

- In the campaign for the Senate, Hillary played the "woman card" by portraying her opponent (Lazio) as a bully picking on her.

- Hillary's husband further protected her by asking the National Archives to withhold from the public until 2012 many records of their time in the White House, including much of Hillary's correspondence and her calendars. (There are ongoing lawsuits to force the release of those records.)

As the junior Senator from New York, Hillary has passed no major legislation. She has deferred to the senior Senator Schumer to tend to the needs of New Yorkers, even on the hot issue of medical problems of workers involved in the cleanup of Ground Zero after 9/11.

Hillary's one notable vote, supporting the plan to invade Iraq, she has since disavowed.

Quite a resume, isn't it?

You can't believe a word that either Clinton says. They are the ultimate grifters.

Kenneth and Larry

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand.

The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," the boy replies.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions:

First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
Fifth - Where's Kenneth?"

The Old Priest

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."

Bill agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Bill Clinton spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Bill.

"Amen" said Hillary.

The old priest continued...

"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Ronald Reagan's Last Words

I don't know whether or not you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you probably noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.


President Ronald Reagan, who never missed a chance for a good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said...



"I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together."

Dogs Just Know!

Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even twenty miles away?

Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?

Somehow they always know when they can "go for a ride" before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?

I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance. Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right.. when impending doom is upon us..

Doctors and work

A Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work.'

Bubba meets the Queen

On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States, Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting he asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"

"That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?", asked Bill.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now."

Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child ?"

Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?"

"Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the former President. As Hillary was leaving her meeting she ran into her most formidable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama.

So she said, "Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother.Who was the child?"

"That's seems pretty easy," said Obama, "I think the child would be me."

"Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination for the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States !"

So Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your riddle.The child was Barack Obama.!"

"No, you Dummie!" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair"

Great Minds on Hillary!

"Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else."
Jay Leno

"Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed."
Jay Leno

"Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it."
Conan O'Brien

"In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan . Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk."
Jay Leno

"Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank."
Jay Leno

"A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.'"
Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton's former business partners can vote for her in 2008."
Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." Craig Kilborn

"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
Jay Leno

"In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said "I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air." No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said.
David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States . Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."
David Letterman

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."
Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."
Craig Kilborn

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America . Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York . When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. . . the one with only seven commandments."
David Letterman

Survivor - Southern Style

Because of the popularity of the Survivor shows, several Southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled:

SURVIVOR SOUTHERN STYLE

Contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi, to Louisiana, and finally end up back in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New York license plates and large bumper stickers that read:

• I'm Gay,
• I'm a Vegetarian,
• NASCAR Sucks,
• Go Yankees,
• Hillary in 2008, and
• Deer Hunting is Murder!

The first one to make it back to Montgomery alive wins.

How to Save the Airlines

Dear Editor,

How can we save the airlines? I have a suggestion or two:

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton