Monday, December 29, 2008

Three Old Ladies from Texas

This is a detective story so Pay Close Attention!!! ..

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. ...

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park. ....

The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely...

mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. .....

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. ......

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think! Think some more!!

You're gonna love it (scroll down for the answer)
Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!

Dolly and Queen Elizabeth go to heaven

Dolly Parton and

Queen Elizabeth

die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The angel chuckles and says, 'Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the angel, but, even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

The Preacher's Son

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy;" the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

The Mom's Song

Check out this YouTube video.

It's hilarious and wise, and oh so true.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas Gift Wrapping

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men went to see the baby Jesus and according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh".

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary sayeth unto him, she sayeth, "Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!" And Joseph did rolleth his eyes. And verily, the baby Jesus was much more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were not wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.

I attempt to wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it in the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills - like having babies - that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting gift-wrapping tips for men:

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. I think they've had way too many Rum balls!

If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

1. Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
2. You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Recipe for Viagra

From my email:

I knew it.... I knew it! ....... I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra!

The Recipe:

* 3% Vitamin E
* 2% Aspirin
* 2% Ibuprofen
* 1% Vitamin C
* 5% Spray Starch
* 87% Fix-A-Flat.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The best Christmas card on the Web

Click on

You can click anywhere on the card and it changes to the next one.


Thursday, December 18, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 16

Week 15 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 9-7 in week 15 picking winners (129-72-5 on the year), while Las Vegas was 9-5-2 picking winners in week 15 (146-71-7 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 16 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):

THURSDAY, 18 December:

Indianapolis (10-4) (-6.5) at Jacksonville (5-9): Indianapolis by 10.5

SATURDAY, 20 December:

Baltimore (9-5) (+5) at Dallas (9-5): Dallas by 1

SUNDAY, 21 December:

San Diego (6-8) (+3) at Tampa Bay (9-5): Tampa Bay by 9
Pittsburgh (10-4) (+1) at Tennessee (12-2): Tennessee by 4.5
Miami (9-5) (-4) at Kansas City (2-12): Miami by 13.5
Arizona (8-6) (+8) at New England (9-5): New England by 5.5
Cincinnati (2-11-1) (+3) at Cleveland (4-10): Cleveland by 8
Philadelphia (8-5-1) (-5) at Washington (7-7): Philadelphia by 2.5
San Francisco (5-9) (-5.5) at St. Louis (2-12): San Francisco by 6.5
Carolina (11-3) (+3) at New York Giants (11-3): New York Giants by 4
Atlanta (9-5) (+3) at Minnesota (9-5): Minnesota by 3
New Orleans (7-7) (-6.5) at Detroit (0-14): New Orleans by 15
New York Jets (9-5) (-4.5) at Seattle (3-11): New York Jets by 13
Houston (7-7) (-7) at Oakland (3-11): Houston by 7
Buffalo (6-8) (+7) at Denver (8-6): Denver by 6.5

MONDAY, December 22:

Green Bay (5-9) (+4.5) at Chicago (8-6): Chicago by 9

I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are the Bengals over the Browns, the Chargers over the Bucs, and Pittsburgh over Tennessee. Teams in a must-win situation are San Diego, New England, Miami, NY Jets, Baltimore, Dallas, Philadelphia, Chicago, Minnesota, Tampa Bay, and Atlanta.

Here are my NFL power ratings after 15 weeks:

1. Tennessee Titans (12-2) -- 32.6
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-3) -- 31.0
3. New York Giants (11-3) -- 30.3
4. Carolina Panthers (11-3) -- 29.4
5. Indianapolis Colts (10-4) -- 26.9

6. Baltimore Ravens (9-5) -- 26.0
7. New York Jets (9-5) -- 25.2
8. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-5) -- 25.1
9. Atlanta Falcons (9-5) -- 25.0
10. Minnesota Vikings (9-5) -- 24.9

11. Dallas Cowboys (9-5) -- 24.8
12. New England Patriots (9-5) -- 24.8
13. Philadelphia Eagles (8-5-1) -- 24.7
14. Miami Dolphins (9-5) -- 24.2
15. Arizona Cardinals (8-6) -- 22.5

16. Chicago Bears (8-6) -- 22.5
17. Denver Broncos (8-6) - 21.3
18. New Orleans Saints (7-7) -- 20.7
19. Houston Texans (7-7) -- 19.6
20. Washington Redskins (7-7) -- 19.4

21. San Diego Chargers (6-8) -- 18.8
22. Buffalo Bills (6-8) -- 18.0
23. Green Bay Packers (5-9) -- 16.6
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9) -- 15.3
25. San Francisco 49ers (5-9) -- 15.2

26. Cleveland Browns (4-10) -- 12.7
27. Seattle Seahawks (3-11) -- 10.3
28. Oakland Raiders (3-11) -- 9.4
29. Cincinnati Bengals (2-11-1) -- 7.7
30. Kansas City Chiefs (2-12) -- 7.6

31. St. Louis Rams (2-12) -- 5.9
32. Detroit Lions (0-14) -- 2.4

I predicted the Chargers would barely beat the Chiefs 27-21, and the Bolts won 22-21, after playing a poor first half (behind 14-3 at the half, and 21-3 in the 3rd quarter). The running game was terrible because the line just cannot run block effectively, and the pass blocking is suspect too. Dielman got kicked out, and Hardwick got a concussion. One more loss and the Bolts won't make the playoffs (I said that the last four weeks too). Now the Bolts go on the road to Tampa Bay to play the Bucs. This is a must-win game for the Chargers and the Bucs. My Power Ratings say Tampa Bay by 9.5, but I think the Bolts will win 20-17 (hope springs eternal...).

Go Chargers!!

The California Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading towards the city of San Diego. For the first offense, they give you two Chargers tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q. What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Chargers.

Q. What do the Chargers and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ.'

Q. How do you keep a Charger out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do you call a Charger with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief.

Q. What's the difference between the Chargers and a dollar Bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. How many Chargers does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the Chargers and a possum have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q Did you hear that the Chargers are moving to the Philippine islands?
A they’ll be called the Manila Folders.

The diminishing monkey supply

This is so true I wish I had written it.

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK !!!!

In Wine there is wisdom

From my email:

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop every year in the water.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?

From my email ...

If a packet has a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable on your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
So your icons in your window are as wavy as a zouse,
Then you may as well reboot and go without a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the thing is gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you hafta flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Auto Air Conditioner Settings

From my email...

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

2008 Presidential Election Facts

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul , Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning the 2008 Presidential election:

* Number of States won by: Democrats: 20; Republicans: 30
* Square miles of land won by: Democrats: 580,000; Republicans: 2,427,000
* Population of counties won by: Democrats: 127 million; Republicans: 143 million
* Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Democrats: 13.2; Republicans: 2.1
Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Republican won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens. Democrat territory mostly
encompassed those citizens living in rented or government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency
and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty
percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental
dependency" phase.
Of course there are exceptions, but generally the government welfare dependent and under-informed have voted Democrat for years, yet they are still government welfare dependent and under-informed.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Take this civics Quiz

Are you more knowledgeable than the average citizen? The average score for all 2,508 Americans taking the following test was 49%; college educators scored 55%. Can you do better? Questions were drawn from past ISI surveys, as well as other nationally recognized exams.

Take the quiz at

I got 31 out of 33 - missed #4 and #29.

Monday, December 15, 2008

A Nun in the Taxi

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says.. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned.. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Sunday, December 14, 2008

In the nursing home

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this .)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Thursday, December 11, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 15

Week 14 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 11-5 in week 14 picking winners (120-65-5 on the year), while Las Vegas was 12-4 picking winners in week 14 (137-66-5 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 14 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):

THURSDAY, 11 December:

New Orleans (7-6) (+3) at Chicago (7-6): Chicago by 2.5

SUNDAY, 14 December:

San Diego (5-8) (-5.5) at Kansas City (2-11): San Diego by 6
Green Bay (5-8) (-2.5) at Jacksonville (4-9): Green Bay by 0.5
Detroit (0-13) (+17) at Indianapolis (9-4): Indianapolis by 25
Washington (7-6) (-7) at Cincinnati (1-11-1): Washington by 11
Tampa Bay (9-4) (+3) at Atlanta (8-5): Atlanta by 1
San Francisco (5-8) (+7.5) at Miami (8-5): Miami by 10
Seattle (2-11) (+3) at St. Louis (2-11): St. Louis by 1
Buffalo (6-7) (+8) at New York Jets (8-5): New York Jets by 8
Tennessee (12-1) (-3) at Houston (6-7): Tennessee by 12
Pittsburgh (10-3) (+2) at Baltimore (9-4): Baltimore by 1
Denver (8-5) (+7.5) at Carolina (10-3): Carolina by 8.5
Minnesota (8-5) (off) at Arizona (8-5): Arizona by 3.5
New England (8-5) (off) at Oakland (3-10): New England by 10
New York Giants (11-2) (+3) at Dallas (8-5): New York Giants by 5

MONDAY, 15 December:

Cleveland (4-9) (+14) at Philadelphia (7-5-1): Philadelphia by 12.5

I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are the Giants over Dallas, Pittsburgh over Baltimore, and Tampa Bay over Atlanta. Teams in a must-win situation are San Diego, New England, Miami, NY Jets, Baltimore, Dallas, Philadelphia, Chicago, Minnesota, Tampa Bay, Atlanta, New Orleans, and Washington.

Here are my NFL power ratings after 14 weeks:

1. Tennessee Titans (11-1) -- 33.8
2. New York Giants (11-2) -- 31.7
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3) -- 29.0
4. Carolina Panthers (10-3) -- 28.3
5. Baltimore Ravens (9-4) -- 27.2

6. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-4) -- 26.2
7. Indianapolis Colts (9-4) -- 25.9
8. New York Jets (8-5) -- 24.2
9. Atlanta Falcons (8-5) -- 24.0
10. Arizona Cardinals (8-5) -- 23.9

11. Dallas Cowboys (8-5) -- 23.6
12. Minnesota Vikings (8-5) -- 23.6
13. Philadelphia Eagles (7-5-1) -- 23.5
14. New England Patriots (8-5) -- 23.5
15. Miami Dolphins (8-5) -- 23.2

16. Denver Broncos (8-5) - 22.6
17. New Orleans Saints (7-6) -- 21.8
18. Chicago Bears (7-6) -- 21.5
19. Washington Redskins (7-6) -- 20.5
20. Buffalo Bills (6-7) -- 19.1

21. Houston Texans (6-7) -- 18.5
22. San Diego Chargers (5-8) -- 17.8
23. Green Bay Packers (5-8) -- 17.7
24. San Francisco 49ers (5-8) -- 16.2
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9) -- 14.2

26. Cleveland Browns (4-9) -- 14.0
27. Oakland Raiders (3-10) -- 10.7
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-11) -- 8.9
29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-11) -- 8.5
30. St. Louis Rams (2-11) -- 6.7

31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-11-1) -- 6.7
32. Detroit Lions (0-13) -- 3.6

I predicted the Chargers would barely beat the Raiders, 20-17, and the Bolts won 34-7 - not allowing a defensive touchdown and hitting on several big offensive plays. The running game was better, but the line is not run blocking or pass blocking well. One more loss and the Bolts won't make the playoffs (I said that the last three weeks too). Now the Bolts go on the road to Arrowhead to play the Kansas City Chiefs. This game concerns me because the Bolts don't play well in KC. However, this is a must-win game for the Chargers. My Power Ratings say Chargers by 6, I think they will win 27-21.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Santa Reorganizes

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (”thirteen lawyers-a-suing”) action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

This Christmas is Coming!

Wrapping Presents 101 for Cat Owners

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don’t reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat’s enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver’s face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.

Thanks to Mary Campbell

A Dog's Rules for Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: - Don’t pee on the tree - Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree - Mind your tail when you are near the tree - If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open - Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: - Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - Don’t eat off the buffet table - Beg for goodies subtly - Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: - Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. (4a is particularly important) - Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - Tolerate children - Turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON’T BITE HIM!!

A Cat's Favorite Christmas Carols

10. Up on the Mousetop

9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

8. Joy to the Curled

7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

6. The First Meow

5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

4. Silent Mice

3. Fluffy, the Snowman

2. Jingle Balls

1. Wreck the Halls!

Night Before Christmas (US Government Contractor version)

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.

Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - “Now Dasher, now Dancer...” et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion’s floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: “Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.”

Martha Stewart's Holiday Planning List

December 1-- Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 -- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 -- Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 -- Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 -- Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 -- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7 -- Debug WindowsNT.

December 10 -- Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 -- Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 -- Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 -- Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 -- Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 -- Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 -- Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 -- Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 -- Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 -- Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 -- Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 -- Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 -- Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 -- Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 -- Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 -- Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31 -- New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

How Angels Came to be Atop the Tree

Santa Claus was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.

Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.

The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.

The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.

To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

Thursday, December 04, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 14

Week 13 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 11-3-2 in week 13 picking winners (109-64-5 on the year), while Las Vegas was 11-5 picking winners in week 13 (125-62-5 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 14 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):

THURSDAY, 4 December:

Oakland (3-9) (+9) at San Diego (4-8): San Diego by 7

SUNDAY, 7 December:

Cincinnati (1-10-1) (+13.5) at Indianapolis: Indianapolis by 19
Jacksonville (4-8) (+6.5) at Chicago (6-6): Chicago by 8
Houston (5-7) (+6) at Green Bay (5-7): Green Bay by 4
Cleveland (4-8) (+13.5) at Tennessee (11-1): Tennessee by 20
Minnesota (7-5) (-7) at Detroit (0-12): Minnesota by 14
Washington (7-5) (+5) at Baltimore (8-4): Baltimore by 7
Philadelphia (6-5-1) (+7) at New York Giants (11-1): New York Giants by 12.5
Atlanta (8-4) (+3) at New Orleans (6-6): Atlanta by 1.5
New York Jets (8-4) (-4) at San Francisco (4-8): New York Jets by 7.5
Miami (7-5) (+1) vs. Buffalo (6-6) at Toronto: Buffalo by 1.5
Kansas City (2-10) (+9) at Denver (7-5): Denver by 15
St. Louis (2-10) (+14) at Arizona (7-5): Arizona by 18
Dallas (8-4) (+3) at Pittsburgh (9-3): Pittsburgh by 6.5
New England (7-5) (-5.5) at Seattle (2-10): New England by 14

MONDAY, 8 December:

Tampa Bay (9-3) (+3) at Carolina (9-3): Carolina by 2.5

I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are Dallas over Pittsburgh, Miami over Buffalo, and Tampa Bay over Carolina. Teams in a must-win situation are Denver, San Diego, New England, Miami, Baltimore, Dallas, Philadelphia, Chicago, Minnesota, Atlanta, and Washington.

Here are my NFL power ratings after 13 weeks:

1. New York Giants (11-1) -- 33.0
2. Tennessee Titans (10-1) -- 32.8
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3) -- 28.1
4. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-3) -- 27.7
5. Carolina Panthers (9-3) -- 27.1

6. Baltimore Ravens (8-4) -- 26.1
7. New York Jets (8-4) -- 25.5
8. Atlanta Falcons (8-4) -- 25.0
9. Dallas Cowboys (8-4) -- 24.7
10. Indianapolis Colts (8-4) -- 24.1

11. Philadelphia Eagles (6-5-1) -- 23.5
12. Minnesota Vikings (7-5) -- 22.6
13. Arizona Cardinals (7-5) -- 22.5
14. New England Patriots (7-5) -- 22.3
15. Miami Dolphins (7-5) -- 21.9

16. Washington Redskins (7-5) -- 21.7
17. Denver Broncos (7-5) - 21.4
18. New Orleans Saints (6-6) -- 20.7
19. Buffalo Bills (6-6) -- 20.4
20. Chicago Bears (6-6) -- 20.3

21. Green Bay Packers (5-7) -- 18.8
22. Houston Texans (5-7) -- 17.2
23. San Diego Chargers (4-8) -- 16.3
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8) -- 15.4
25. Cleveland Browns (4-8) -- 15.3

26. San Francisco 49ers (4-8) -- 14.9
27. Oakland Raiders (3-9) -- 12.1
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-10) -- 11.1
29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-10) -- 9.4
30. St. Louis Rams (2-10) -- 7.8

31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-10-1) -- 7.7
32. Detroit Lions (0-12) -- 6.0

I predicted the Falcons win over the Chargers, even though my Power Ratings said the Chargers would win. My Chargers played terrible on offense, unable to run effectively, and unable to pass downfield. The defense couldn't stop the Falcons at critical times. One more loss and the Bolts probably don't make the playoffs (I said that the last two weeks too). Now the Raiders come to town, and this game concerns me. The Chargers beat them 28-18 in Oakland earlier, but had to come from 15-0 behind. My Power Ratings say Chargers by all 7, I think they will win 20-17, probably in the last minute.

The leather dress

When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker; and his throat gets dry; he goes weak in the knees; and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck.

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------ Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle --------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit loving cousin -------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ----- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV - Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling - there ya Gogh. . . !

Global Hawk

This is a photo of the Global Hawk UAV that returned from the war zone recently under its own power. ( Iraq to Edwards AFB in CA) - Not transported via C5 or C17..... Notice the mission paintings on the fuselage. It's actually over 250 missions.... (And I would suppose 25 air medals).

That's a long way for a remotely-piloted aircraft. Think of the technology (and the required quality of the data link to fly it remotely). Not only that but the pilot controlled it from a nice warm control panel at Edwards AFB. Really long legs- can stay up for almost 2 days at altitudes above 60k.

The Global Hawk was controlled via satellite; it flew missions during OT&E that went from Edwards AFB to upper Alaska and back non-stop. Basically, they come into the fight at a high Mach number in mil thrust, fire their AMRAAMS, and no one ever sees them or paints them with radar. There is practically no radio chatter because all the guys in the flight are tied together electronically, and can see who is targeting who, and they have AWACS direct input and 360 situational awareness from that and other sensors. The aggressors had a morale problem before it was all over.

It is to air superiority what the jet engine was to aviation. It can taxi, take off, fly a mission, return, land and taxi on it's own. No blackouts, no fatigue, no relief tubes, no ejection seats, and best of all, no dead pilots and no POWs.

Pretty cool, huh?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 13

Week 12 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 9-6-1 in week 12 picking winners (98-61 -3 on the year), while Las Vegas was 10-6 picking winners in week 12 (114-57-5 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 13 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):

THURSDAY, 27 November:

Tennessee (10-1) (-11) at Detroit (0-11): Tennessee by 22
Seattle (2-9) (+12.5) at Dallas (7-4): Dallas by 15
Arizona (7-4) (+3) at Philadelphia (5-5-1): even

SUNDAY, 30 November:

Denver (6-5) (+7.5) at New York Jets (8-3): New York Jets by 10
San Francisco (3-8) (+7) at Buffalo (6-5): Buffalo by 10
New Orleans (6-5) (+3.5) at Tampa Bay (8-3): Tampa Bay by 8
Carolina (7-4) (+3) at Green Bay (5-6): Carolina by 3
New York Giants (10-1) (-3.5) at Washington (7-4): New York Giants by 6
Miami (6-5) (-6) at St. Louis (2-9): Miami by 10
Baltimore (7-4) (-7) at Cincinnati (1-9-1): Baltimore by 13
Indianapolis (7-4) (-4.5) at Cleveland (4-7): Indianapolis by 4
Pittsburgh (8-3) (+1) at New England (7-4): even
Kansas City (1-10) (+3) at Oakland (3-8): Oakland by 8
Atlanta (7-4) (+5) at San Diego (4-7): Atlanta by 3
Chicago (6-5) (+3) at Minnesota (6-5): Minnesota by 3

MONDAY, 1 December:

Jacksonville (4-7) (+3.5) at Houston (4-7): Houston by 2

I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are New Orleans over Tampa Bay, Chicago over Minnesota, and Pittsburgh over New England. Teams in a must-win situation are San Diego, Green Bay, Philadelphia, Buffalo and Miami.

Here are my NFL power ratings after 12 weeks:

1. New York Giants (10-1) -- 32
2. Tennessee Titans (10-1) -- 31
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3) -- 27
4. Tampa Bay Bucs (8-3) -- 27
5. New York Jets (8-3) -- 27

6. Carolina Panthers (8-3) -- 26
7. Baltimore Ravens (7-4) -- 25
8. Arizona Cardinals (7-4) -- 24
9. Atlanta Falcons (7-4) -- 24
10. New England Patriots (7-4) -- 24

11. Washington Redskins (7-4) -- 23
12. Dallas Cowboys (7-4) -- 23
13. Indianapolis Colts (7-4) -- 23
14. New Orleans Saints (6-5) -- 22
15. Miami Dolphins (6-5) -- 21

16. Minnesota Vikings (6-5) -- 21
17. Philadelphia Eagles (5-5-1) -- 21
18. Buffalo Bills (6-5) -- 21
19. Chicago Bears (6-5) -- 21
20. Green Bay Packers (5-6) -- 20

21. Denver Broncos (6-5) - 20
22. San Diego Chargers (4-7) -- 18
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7) -- 17
24. Cleveland Browns (4-7) -- 16
25. Houston Texans (4-7) -- 16

26. San Francisco 49ers (3-8) -- 14
27. Oakland Raiders (3-8) -- 13
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-9) -- 11
29. Cincinnati Bengals (1-9-1) -- 9
30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-10) -- 8

31. St. Louis Rams (2-9) -- 8
32. Detroit Lions (0-11) -- 6

I predicted the Colts win over the Chargers exactly, 23-20. My Chargers played better on offense, but made critical mistakes. The defense couldn't stop the last Colts drive. The coach made a game management error too. One more loss and the Bolts probably don't make the playoffs (I said that last week too). Now the Falcons come to town with ex-Charger Michael Turner. I call it Falcons 27, Chargers 24.

Good laugh - for women only


She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

The biker and the lion

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really; the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


Thanksgiving cartoons

Underwear Dust

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your Butt!'

His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Talcum Powder in my Underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder, It's 'Miracle Grow ! '

Kids are really smart

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... ;'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Happy Thanksgiving










That's where it came from!

Where did the phrase "you gotta be shittin' me!" come from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin' me.'

Monday, November 24, 2008

Who Am I?

I was born in one country, raised in another.

My father was born in another country.

I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women.

I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me.

My mother died at an early age from cancer.

Later in life, questions arose over my real name.

My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.

I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs & didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.

I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.

That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career.

I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.

I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything. That reinforced my conceit.

I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.

I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego.

At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy. I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every opportunity to bash my country.

But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed & housed for free.

I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks & corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate them & if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.

I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.

I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics & was able to gain widespread popular support.

I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope' , together we could change our country and the world. So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities" like the Jews. My true views were not widely known & I needed to keep them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.

I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with. I'm glad they didn't.

Then I became the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.

Who am I?

I'll post the answer in comments later.

"24" Redemption - Dave Barry's summary

Jack Bauer is back. You can read Dave Barry's take on it here.

The comments are hilarious as devotees settled in for a virtual party.

Steve provided a great summary about 3/4 of the way down the comments. It's long, you can't miss it.

I tuned in at about 8:40 after the Chargers-Colts game -- didn't miss many gunshots, knife fights or explosions, I see.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

NFL Picks - Week 12

Week 11 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 10-4-2 in week 11 picking winners (89-55 -2 on the year), while Las Vegas was 11-4-1 picking winners in week 10 (104-51-5 on the year).

Here are my picks for Week 12 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):

THURSDAY, 13 November

Cincinnati (1-8-1) (+11.5) at Pittsburgh (7-3): Pittsburgh by 22

SUNDAY, 16 November:

Houston (3-7) (+3) at Cleveland (4-6): Cleveland by 6
Buffalo (5-5) (-3) at Kansas City (1-9): Buffalo by 10
New York Jets (7-3) (+5) at Tennessee (10-0): Tennessee by 11
New England (6-4) (+2) at Miami (6-4): Miami by 2
San Francisco (3-7) (+10.5) at Dallas (6-4): Dallas by 11
Tampa Bay (7-3) (-8.5) at Detroit (0-10): Tampa Bay by 20
Philadelphia (5-4-1) (+2) at Baltimore (6-4): Baltimore by 3
Chicago (5-5) (-8.5) at St. Louis (2-8): Chicago by 11
Minnesota (5-5) (+2.5) at Jacksonville (4-6): Jacksonville by 1
Carolina (8-2) (+1) at Atlanta (6-4): Carolina by 2
Oakland (2-8) (+10) at Denver (6-4): Denver by 9
Washington (6-4) (-3.5) at Seattle (2-8): Washington by 8
New York Giants (9-1) (-3.5) at Arizona (7-3): New York Giants by 3
Indianapolis (6-4) (+2.5) at San Diego (4-6): even

MONDAY, 17 November:

Green Bay (5-5) (+2.5) at New Orleans (5-5): New Orleans by 2

I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are Indianapolis over San Diego, Carolina over Atlanta, and Kansas City over Buffalo.

Here are my NFL power ratings after eleven weeks:

1. Tennessee Titans (10-0) -- 35
2. New York Giants (9-1) -- 33
3. Carolina Panthers (8-2) -- 29
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3) -- 27
5. Tampa Bay Bucs (7-3) -- 27

6. New York Jets (7-3) -- 27
7. Arizona Cardinals (7-3) -- 27
8. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4-1) -- 24
9. Atlanta Falcons (6-4) -- 24
10. Baltimore Ravens (6-4) -- 24

11. New England Patriots (6-4) -- 23
12. Washington Redskins (6-4) -- 22
13. Dallas Cowboys (6-4) -- 22
14. Indianapolis Colts (6-4) -- 22
15. Miami Dolphins (6-4) -- 22

16. Green Bay Packers (5-5) -- 22
17. New Orleans Saints (5-5) -- 21
18. Denver Broncos (6-4) - 21
19. Minnesota Vikings (5-5) -- 20
20. Buffalo Bills (5-5) -- 20

21. Chicago Bears (5-5) -- 20
22. San Diego Chargers (4-6) -- 19
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-6) -- 18
24. Cleveland Browns (4-6) -- 17
25. Houston Texans (3-7) -- 14

26. San Francisco 49ers (3-7) -- 14
27. Seattle Seahawks (2-8) -- 11
28. Oakland Raiders (2-8) -- 9
29. Cincinnati Bengals (1-8-1) -- 8
30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-9) -- 7

31. St. Louis Rams (2-8) -- 6
32. Detroit Lions (0-10) -- 4

My Chargers played better on defense, but the offense played poorly in the 11-10 loss to Pittsburgh (note it would have been 18-10 except for an official's error). One more loss and the Bolts probably don't make the playoffs. Now the Colts come to town - they've won two in a row while the Chargers have struggled to even win at home. I call it Colts 23, Chargers 20.

The wizard gets it

I'm Brownies!

If all of the eight desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one)!

Trust me...this is very accurate. Pick your Dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.

REMEMBER - No Cheating. Make your choice before you check the meaning. After taking this dessert personality test, send this on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.

Here are your choices:

1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate Cake With Chocolate Icing
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake

No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully about what your choice will be.

OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what the researchers say about you... SCROLL DOWN---

No Cheating

1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and area champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your Hands, you are an excellent caregiver and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, you set your own style because you do your own thing. You shine when it comes to helping others and have many friends.

4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lacking motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE --Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. You can be very emotional at times but a true person in every way. You like to do things for yourself and help others learn about themselves.

6. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hangout with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach others. A wonderful role model.

You Know your are from San diego IF...

1. You can correctly pronounce Tierrasanta, La Jolla, Rancho Penesquitos, San Ysidro, Otay Mesa, Jamul, and El Cajon, and know where they are.

2. There are four distinct seasons: Summer, Not Quite Summer, Almost Summer, and oh, Hey look it's summer again.

3. Your high school had a surf team.

4. Chula-juana is a real town, as well as San Yskidrow, Spun Alley, and Nasty City.

5. Your house is worth more than some small countries.

6. You know what MB, OB, and PB st and for.

7. Every street name is either in Spanish or Spanish related, and you're surprised when other areas don't have this.

8. You can determine the accuracy of someone's "I'm ghetto" claim by knowing their high school. for example: El Camino H.S., or Crawford H.S.

9. You see weather forecasts for four different climate zones in the same county, and aren't remotely surprised.

10. You've gone to Mt. Helix in July and know you still need a jacket.

11. You remember going to "The Cross" on Mt. Helix for Easter services. 60 degrees is COLD!

12. You've tailgated at Qualcomm Stadium, and for bonus points, also tailgated when it was Jack Murphy Stadium, and San diego Stadium.

13. You know that "Charge!" doesn't refer to a credit card.

14. You remember going downtown via Federal Blvd. before Hwy. 94 was built.

15. You remember when Hwy. 94 was 2 lanes in each direction.

16. You've been on a field trip to see an Imax movie at the Reuben H. Fleet Space Center.

17. You still call it the Del Mar Fair.

18. You say "I'm going to the track" and people know what your talking about.

19. You say "I'm going to the park" and people know what you mean.

20. You remember when 'Lemon Grove', 'La Mesa', and 'Spring Valley' were "in the sticks"

21. You understand what May-gray and June-gloom means .

22. A famous skateboarder/surfer lives in your town,

23. There's a North County, South County, and an East County but no Central County.

24. You know what it means when a girl in a short skirt is walking on El Cajon Blvd.

25. You've gotten stuck in the Horton Plaza parking structure traffic after a Padres game.

26. You know what "the merge" is, and will plan your entire day around not being on it during rush hour.

27. You know the difference between Clairmont Mesa, Kearny Mesa, and Mira Mesa.

28. You've stayed home from school or work, because "It's Raining!".

29. You've gone to Sea World on a warm day and sat in the first few rows at the Shamu show to get cooled off.

30. You've been delayed at the Border Checkpoints on the 5, the 8 and the 15. (Where's the one on 8?)

31. Your house doesn't have or need air conditioning unless you live in the East County.

32. No matter what the weather is, there is always someone walking around in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops.

33. You've been to the desert, the mountains, and the beach all in one day.

34. You know that Santee, and Lakeside is where the 'cowboys' live.

35. You know why Hillcrest is known as 'the swish alps'.

36. You hate tourists and their bad driving. (But you don't know how to drive in the rain.)

37. You've gone to the Zoo just to hang out.

38. You have family or friends that have moved to Arizona, Nevada, Utah or Colorado.

39. You know someone who doesn't own pants.

40. You know what the 'Santa Anas' are, and that they have nothing to do with the city of Santa Ana.

41. You know what 'real Mexican food' tastes like.

42. You remember when 'Mission Valley' was cow pastures ( have bought land then!) and the cows went thru a tunnel under Highway 8.

43. You remember when Lemon Grove had "the cows" at Millers Ranch & you could get milk at their drive-thru.

44. You remember riding the ferry as a passenger for .25 cents for as many trips back & forth as you wanted, all night long.

45. You remember where the National City Airport was and what kind of landing surface it had.

46. You remember where the Naval Amphibious Airport was and remember seeing large Naval Seaplanes practice landing and taking off there.

47. You remember the dredge in Mission Bay that created Fiesta Island.

48. You know exactly where the PSA jet crashed.

49. You went to a ball game at Westgate Park.

50. You know what the Sea Dart was, where it was built and where it was flown.

51. You know what park the Albino Deer lived in and how it died.

52. You knew what street bus #7 operated on.

53. You knew where "Costa Bells St." was in Lemon Grove and what famous feed store was on it.

54. You skated at "Palisade Gardens" and ate at the indoor-outdoor snack bar.

55. You took the "Quince St." offramp from 395 North in Balboa Park.

56. You know what hotel had the glass elevator on its outside.

57. You watched them repair fishing nets at the foot of Grape St.

58. You remember the Ivy growing on the walls at San Diego HS.

59. You watched the jalopies race on the dirt track and later years you watched Y.A. Tittle, as the Chargers QB, at Balboa Stadium.

60. You got a parking ticket from a San Diego Policeman driving a Harley Davidson Servi-Car, which had the box w/ 2 wheels in the back.

61. You watched races at "Hour Glass Field" and know exactly what has been built at that location now.

62. You've seen with your own eyes the Little League Baseball fields in Mission Valley flooded.

63. You know what building "The Brass Rail" was in at downtown San Diego before it was moved to Hillcrest.

64. You watched Bob Dale get pissed on by the monkey during his San Diego Zoorama program on KFMB Channel 8.

65. You know what large reservoir has an island in the middle of it.

66. You know what Jerry Coleman's job was in WWII.

67. You saw the five "skywriters" planes flying in a row writing their messages over San Diego skies.

68. You watched them unload the elephants off of the train and walk them to the Sports Arena for the circus.

69. You ate a hamburger and fries with your high school friends at the A&W drive-in on El Cajon Boulvard.

70. You remember the parades that are no more: Fiesta De La Luna in Chula Vista; Mayday Parade in National City.

Have a beautiful, sunny San Diego Day!!!!

Coming to dinner?

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,' She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.'

Is it a big number?

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving and there is that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'