Saturday, December 29, 2018

Saturday, December 08, 2018

Offensive Christmas Songs?

Some persons are offended by the Christmas season song Baby it’s Cold Outside.
What about these Christmas songs?  Anyone else offended?
1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn.
2The Christmas Song: Open fire?  Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation.
3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances.
4. White Christmas: Racist.
5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom/stalker.
6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you be of good cheer? Forced to hide depression.
7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying.
8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Forced gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols (GUNS!) for Barney and Ben.
9. Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail.
10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow woman.
11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired.
12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow.
13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse.
14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day?
15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married: forced partnership.
16. Grandma got run over by a reindeer: elder abuse.
I'm not offended.  These are all my favorites!!!  Rock on...

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Genealogical Command Center

From Twisted Twigs:


When did she come visit my genea-cave?

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Best Thanksgiving TV Show Ever

Who can forget this WKRP episode?



Always makes me laugh!

Sunday, November 04, 2018

Longest Password Ever?


Another one would be Snow White and the seven dwarfs plus another state capital.


Friday, November 02, 2018

The Prize Winner!

Helen has the best jokes - thank you Helen!

============================================

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so
she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a fine specimen but, this morning, she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk
on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted
awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election: You can't always hear the bells.

(If you don’t send this on, you're chicken   ......   no yolk!)

Saturday, October 20, 2018

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

The Warren Family Tree

This pedigree chart puts Elizabeth Warren's native ancestry into perspective:


It could be one generation closer, of course, or one generation further. 

Friday, August 31, 2018

Bullies



Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Girl's Night Out

My friend Helen sends the best emails...I don't think this was a personal experience:

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out    Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.  

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.  

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded home.

The next day one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.   My wife came home with no panties!!' 

'That's nothing' said the other husband.  'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.


Saturday, August 04, 2018

Two Americas in 2018

Best comic of the week:


Heh.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

The Cynical Philosopher Thinks About These Things

From THE CYNICAL PHILOSOPHER

 I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?  
 I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
 When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
 Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.
 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 

 
 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.    
 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I  saw it through my telescope last night.
 Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
 You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
 I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?” 
 I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named,  "Sag Harbor."
 My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
 My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
 The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. 
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. 
 
A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass,Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.   
 

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

You Know When You're From San Diego If:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SAN DIEGO IF...
1. You can correctly pronounce Tierrasanta, La Jolla, Rancho Penesquitos, San Ysidro, Otay Mesa, Jamul, and El Cajon, and know where they are.
2. There are four distinct seasons: Summer, Not Quite Summer, Almost Summer, and oh, Hey look its summer again.
3. Your house is worth more than some small countries.
4. You know what MB, OB, and PB stand for.
5. Every street name is either in Spanish or Spanish related, and you're surprised when other areas don't have this.

6. You see weather forecasts for four different climate zones in the same county and aren't remotely surprised.
7. You remember going to "The Cross" on Mt. Helix for Easter services. 60 degrees is COLD!
8. You've tailgated at Qualcomm Stadium, and for bonus points, also tailgated when it was Jack Murphy Stadium.
9. You know that "charge!" doesn't refer to a credit card.
10. You remember going downtown via Federal Blvd. before Hwy 94 was built.

11. You remember when Hwy 94 was 2 lanes in each direction.
12. You still call it the Del Mar Fair.
13. You say "I'm going to the track" and people know what you're talking about.
14. You remember when Lemon Grove, La Mesa, and Spring Valley were "in the sticks."
15. You understand what May-gray and June-gloom means.

16. There's a North County, South County, and an East County but no Central County.
17. You know what "the merge" is and will plan your entire day around not being on it during rush hour.
18. You know the difference between Clairemont Mesa, Kearny Mesa, and Mira Mesa.
19. You've gone to Sea World on a warm day and sat in the first few rows at the Shamu Show to get cooled off.
20. You've been delayed at the Border Checkpoints on the 5, the 8 and the 15.
(*Bonus* You say "the" before freeway names)

21. Your house doesn't have or need air conditioning unless you live in the East County.
22. No matter what the weather is, there is always someone walking around in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops.
23. You've been to the desert, the mountains, and the beach all in one day.
24. You know that Ramona, Santee and Lakeside are where the "cowboys" live.
25. You hate tourists and their bad driving. (But you don't know how to drive in the rain.)

26. You've gone to the Zoo just to hang out.
27. You have family or friends that have moved to Texas, Arizona, Nevada, Utah or Colorado.
28. You know what the "Santa Anas" are and that they have nothing to do with the city of Santa Ana.
29. You know what "real Mexican food" tastes like.
30. You remember when "Mission Valley" was cow pastures (Oh . . to have bought land then!)

31. You remember when Lemon Grove had "the cows."
32. You know that you have to leave at the crack of dawn to find parking at the beach, or risk parking in front of someone's million dollar bungalow and waking a mile or more.
33. You still call it "The Wild Animal Park"
34. You've watched fireworks over the bay while enjoying a bonfire.
35. You dated, are related, or are married to a Marine or Navy guy/gal.

36. You avoid the Gaslamp Quarter during ComicCon.
37. Fish tacos are a weekly requirement.
38. If you've moved away, and you miss it everyday.
Have a beautiful, sunny San Diego Day!

Saturday, January 06, 2018

The Receptionist

From my email, thank you Helen:

The Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.  I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.The waiting room was full.

The receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said:

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE.  YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted with applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD GUYS!