Thursday, May 31, 2007

Padres 2007 - Games 51 to 60

After 50 games, my Padres have won 29, lost 21 (home 17-9, road 12-12) and are tied for first place with the Dodgers, but the Diamondbacks are one game back (at 29-23).

Game 51, Tuesday, May 29, SD at Pittsburgh: Pirates win 4-1. This was a winnable game. David Wells (loser, 2-3) gave up 2 runs on 8 hits over 5 innings, pitching out of jams regularly. The Padres got only one run and 7 hits off Tom Gorzelanny in 7 innings - Josh Bard drove in Kevin Kouzmanoff in the 6th. The Pirates got a run in the 6th off Cla Meredith, and another in the 8th off Kevin Cameron (the first earned run he's given up in 18 innings). After 51 games: Won 29, lost 22 (home 17-9, road 12-13), Runs 211-171, homers 46-26. One game losing streak, Pads have on 7 out of last 10.

Game 52, Wednesday, May 30, SD at Pittsburgh: Pads win 9-0. Chris Young (won, now 6-3) was masterful again - no runs, 4 hits, 7 K's, 1 walk over 7 innings. The game was close for 7 innings - the Pads got runs in the 3rd and 5th, but in the 8th Mike Cameron drove in a run and Kahlil Greene hit a grand slam. Another 2 runs scored in the 9th off the Pirates bullpen. Doug Brocail and Justin Hampson pitched scoreless innings to finish up. Young's ERA is down to 2.42. After 52 games: Won 30, Lost 22 (home 17-9, road 13-13), Runs 220-171, homers 47-26, One game winning streak, won 4 of last 5, and 7 of last 10.

Game 53, Thursday, May 31, SD at Pittsburgh: Pads win 4-2 in 11 innings. The Pads were effectively shut down on 3 hits by Shawn Chacon through 7 innings. We got two runs in the 9th on RBIs by Gonzalez and Cameron to tie the game and send it into extra innings. In the 11th, Mike Cameron had a home run, Josh Bard doubled off the top of the RF fence, and charged the umpire after it was ruled a double. He was ejected as was Bud Black. Kahlil Greene drove in the run with a sacrifice fly. Greg Maddux went 6-2/3, giving up 2 runs on 9 hits. Cla Meredith pitched a scoreless 10th and won it (now 2-2), and Trevor Hoffman notched his 16th save. After 53 games: Won 31, Lost 22 (home 17-9, Road 14-13), Runs 224-173, Homers 48-26, Won 2 in a row, 5 of last 6, 7 out of last 10. Pads were 18-9 in May.

In roster moves, Clay Hensley came off the DL and was optioned to Portland. Oscar Robles was cut and may go to Portland. The Pads added OF Hiram Bocachica to the roster. So Justin Germano has earned a semi-permanent spot on the roster.

Game 54, Friday, June 1, Pads at Washington: Nats win 4-3 in 10 innings. This was a winnable game. Jake Peavy fell behind 3-1 after 3 innings, but held them through 7 innings, giving up 10 hits, 3 runs, 1 walk and 7 Ks. The Pads tied it in the 6th on RBIs by Josh Bard and Termel Sledge. In the 10th, Cla Meredith (lost, now 2-3) gave up 3 hits and the winning run. This game was NOT on TV - the only night game of the year not on. After 54 games: Won 31, Lost 23 (home 17-9, away 14-14), Runs 227-177, Homers 48-26, Lost 1 in a row, Won 5 of last 7 and 7 of last 10.

Game 55, Saturday, June 2, Pads at Washington: Pads win 11-3. This was a laugher after the first inning - the Pads got 6 runs off of Levale Steigner, who settled down and went 4 innings. The Nats got 3 runs in the 6th off Justin Germano (winner, now 4-0), 2 on a monster homer by Dmitri Young. Then the Pads scored 3 in the 7th and 2 in the 9th to close it out - Paul McAnulty's homer accounting for the last 2 runs. After 55 games: Won 32, lost 23 (home 17-9, away 15-14), Runs 238-180, Homers 49-27, Won 1 in a row, 6 of last 8, and 7 of last 10.

Game 56, Sunday, June 3, Pads at Washington: Pads win 7-3. The Pads got off to a fast start with a 3-run homer by Josh Bard in the 1st. The Nats tied it up with 3 off David Wells in the 3rd on a Ryan Zimmerman homer. In the 5th, Hiram Bocachica got his first Padre hit - a solo homer - and scored two more on a Gonzalez double. Wells went 5 innings (3 ER, 5 hits, 0 BBs, 2 Ks) and is now 3-3. After 56 games: Won 33, Lost 23 (home 17-9, away 16-14), Runs 245-183, Homers 51-28, Won 2 in a row, 7 of last 9.

Game 57, Tuesday, June 5, LA Dodgers at Padres: Pads win 1-0. Another "best game of the year." Chris Young went 7 innings, with 0 runs, 3 hits, 4 BBs, 5Ks. Jason Schmidt matched him well - 6 innings, 0 runs, 1 hit, 3 BBs, 4Ks. Into the bullpen ... and Rudy Seanez gave up a run on a hit batsman - Russell Branyan, who stole 2nd base, and came home on Marcus Giles single in the 8th. Scott Linebrink pitched the 8th and got the win (now 2-1). Trevor Hoffman recorded his 17th save. After 57 Games: Won 34, Lost 23 (home 18-9, road 16-14), Runs 246-183, Homers 51-28, Won 3 in a row, 8 out of last 10.

Game 58, Wednesday, June 6, LA Dodgers at Padres: Pads win 5-2. Greg Maddux (winner, 5-2) put on a clinic for 4 innings, then gave up two runs on 5 hits with a walk through 6-2/3 innings. The Pads scored 2 in the 2nd and 3 in the 3rd off Randy Wolf, on timely hitting by Geoff Blum who had 4 RBIs. Jeff Kent homered in the 7th to get it closer, and Heath Bell, Scott Linebrink and Trevor Hoffman (save #18, and #500 lifetime) closed it out. After 58 games: Won 35, Lost 23 (home 19-9, road 16-14), Runs 251-185, Homers 51-29, Won 4 in a row, 9 out of last 11.

Game 59, Thursday, June 7, LA Dodgers at Padres: Pads win 6-5. A roller-coaster ride of a game - we deserved to lose, but luck was with us. It was a pitcher's battle for 6 innings - Jake Peavy vs. Hong-Chih Kuo with a AAA umpire behind the plate, who squeezed both pitchers. In the 7th, the Dodgers got 3 runs off Peavy on doubles by Rafael Furcal and Tony Abreu, knocking Peavy out of the game for Cla Meredith. Luis Gonzalez hit a long homer in the 8th off Meredith, making it 5 to 1. Then the Pads got lucky - scoring 5 runs on 5 hits, an error by Garciaparra and two walks off Jonathan Broxton. Two of the hits were infield hits that could have been outs - and the big hits were a ringing double by Adrian Gonzalez for 2 RBIs and a shot to center by Mike Cameron to tie the game. Russell Branyan drew a walk to drive in the winning run. Needless to say, Padres fans were ecstatic, and Dodgers fans were shell-shocked after innings of gloating. After 59 games: Won 36, Lost 23 (Home 20-9, Road 16-14), Runs 257-190, Homers 51-30, Won 5 in a row, Won 10 of last 12.

Game 60, Friday, June 8, Seattle at SD: M's win 6-5 in 11 innings. A winnable game, very frustrating! The M's jumped off to a 5-0 lead against Justin Germano (5 innings, 8 hits, 5 ER, 2 BB, 3 Ks), getting 4 in the 5th. Buddy probably waited too long to yank him. But then the Pads came back with 1 in the 5th and 4 in the 7th, with help from an error and a crushed double by Kevin Kouzmanoff. The bullpens took over, and the Raul Ibanez hit a homer in the 11th off Cla Meredith (loser, now 2-4). The Pads faced closer JJ Putz and went meekly in the 11th.

After 60 games: Won 36, Lost 24. (Home 20-10, road 16-14).

First place in NL West, 1 game ahead of Diamondbacks, 1-1/2 ahead of Dodgers.

Lost 1 in a row, won 5 of 6, won 8 of last 10.

Runs scored: 262 (11th in NL) - 196 (1st in NL).
Home runs: 51 (9th in NL) - 31 (1st in NL).

Hitting statistics - starters:
Adrian Gonzalez - BA 0.296, 15 2B, HR 12, 39 RBI, 24 BB, 49 K
Brian Giles - BA 0.276, 9 2B, 1 HR, 12 RBI, 16 BB, 16 K
Jose Cruz Jr - BA 0.273, 8 2B, 5 HR, 14 RBI, 18 BB, 37 K
Marcus Giles - BA 0.273, 13 2B, 3 HR, 22 RBI, 22 BB, 35 K
Josh Bard - BA 0.252, 8 2B, 2 HR, 18 RBI, 15 BB, 19 K
Mike Cameron - BA 0.236, 14 2B, 5 HR, 24 RBI, 19 BB, 57 K
Kahlil Greene - BA 0.221, 16 2B, 7 HR, 29 RBI, 11 BB, 36 K
Kevin Kouzmanoff - BA 0.212, 9 2B, 4 HR, 23 RBI, 14 BB, 41 K

TEAM BA 0.243, 120 2B, 51 HR, 238 RBI, 202 BB, 439 K
Opposition: BA 0.235, 86 2B, 29 HR, 181 RBI, 147 BB, 391 K

Pitching Statistics - Starters:
Jake Peavy - 7-1, 12 games, 80.1 IP, 58 hits, 21 BB, 92 K, 1.68 ERA
Justin Germano - 4-0, 5 games, 31.0 IP, 23 hits, 2 BB, 10 SO, 1.74 ERA
Chris Young - 6-3, 12 games, 74.0 IP, 54 hits, 30 BB, 65 K, 2.19 ERA
Greg Maddux - 5-3, 12 games, 73.0 IP, 80 hits, 10 BB, 41 K, 3.82 ERA
David Wells - 3-3, 11 games, 62 IP, 74 hits, 14 BB, 35 K, 4.79 ERA

TEAM Stats: 36-24, 2.88 ERA
Opposition: 24-36, 4.09 ERA

Friday, May 25, 2007

Hospital Chart Bloopers

These are actual writings from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures .

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Padres 2007 - Games 41-50

After 40 games, my Padres are 21-19, and in 2nd place in the NL West, three games behind the Dodgers.

Game 41, Wednesday, May 16, Cincinnati at SD: Pads win 3-2. Jake Peavy gave up two in the first, struggled a bit, but shut them out after that in 7 innings. The Pads got a run in the 2nd, another in the 7th and the winner in the 9th as Kevin Kouzmanoff finally is starting to hit. He had 2 RBIs (including the walkoff...walk in the 9th). Bronson Arroyo pitched well for the Reds but lost it while the bullpen was warm and ready. Trevor Hoffman pitched the 9th and won it (2-2). After 41 games: Won 22, Lost 19 (home 12-8, Road 10-11), Runs 171-144, Won one in a row.

Game 42, Friday, May 18, SD at Seattle: Pads win 8-1. Chris Young went 6-2/3, giving up 6 hits and 1 run. The Pads scored 3 in the 3rd and 4 in the 7th to break it open. Kevin Kouzmanoff and Mike Cameron had 2 RBI each and Russell Branyan hit a 3-run homer. Heath Bell and Doug Brocail finished up for Young (now 5-3). After 42 games: Won 23, Lost 19 (home 12-8, road 11-11), Runs 179-145, Won 2 in a row.

Game 43, Saturday, May 19, SD at Seattle: Mariners win 7-4. Greg Maddux had a bad day, giving up 7 runs in 3-2/3 innings on 12 hits (record now 3-3). Seattle teed off with homers by Guillen and Beltre. The Pads got runs in the 2nd, 5th, 6th and 7th, but couldn't come all the way back - Adrian Gonzalez lined into a double play with the bases loaded in the 7th. Kevin Kouzmanoff had 2 more hits and an RBI, raising his average to 0.183. Hampson and Cla Meredith shut them out after the 4th. After 43 games: Won 23, Lost 20 (home 12-8, road 11-12), Runs 183-152, Homers 36-21. Lost one in a row, 5-5 in the last 10 games.

Game 44, Sunday, May 20, SD at Seattle: Pads win 2-1. A really close game - both sides had plenty of chances. Justin Germano went 6 innings (record now 2-0), giving up 6 hits, 1 unearned run. The Pads got runs in the 2nd and 3rd with RBIs from Josh Bard and Adrian Gonzalez. The Pads stranded 15 runners, Seattle 6. Felix Hernandez pitched out of a lot of jams over 5 innings. The bullpen (Bell, Linebrink, Hoffman save 11) closed it out, although Seattle had two runners on with none out in the 9th. After 44 games: Won 24, Lost 20 (home 12-8, road 12-12), Runs 185-153, Homers 36-21. Won one in a row, 6 out of last 10.

Game 45, Tuesday, May 22, Chicago Cubs at SD: Pads win 5-1. Jake Peavy goes 6, wins again (now 6-1) - gave up a run in the first inning. The bullpen closed it out, but needed Trevor Hoffman's 12th save in the 9th. Adrian Gonzalez drove in the first run in the first inning, then 4 solo homers built the lead - Mike Cameron had 2, Kevin Kouzmanoff 1 and Gonzalez 1. The Pads had only 6 hits. After 45 games: Won 25, Lost 20 (home 13-8, road 12-12), Runs 190-154, Homers 40-21. Won 2 in a row, 7 out of last 10 games.

Game 46, Wednesday, May 23, ChiCubs at SD: Pads win 2-1. David Wells pitched well again - gave up a run in the second, went 7 innings - great command of the curveball and placement of the fastball. Sean Marshall was even better for the Cubs - until the 7th when Josh Bard singled at Kevin Kouzmanoff hit one 438 into the 2nd deck in left field on a hanging curve ball. Linebrink and Hoffman (save #13) closed it out and Wells won it (now 2-2).
After 46 games: Won 26, Lost 20 (Home 14-8, road 12-12), Runs 192-155, Homers 41-21. Won 3 in a row, 7 out of last 10 games.

Game 47, Thursday, May 24, ChiCubs at SD: Cubs win 3-1. Chris Young was perfect through 4 innings, and gave up only one run on 3 hits in 7 innings - with 10 K's. The Cubs got 2 runs in the 9th off Cla Meredith (loser, 2-2). The Pads got a run in the 2nd off Jason Marquis, who went 7 innings and gave up only 5 hits. The bullpen shut out the Pads. This was a winnable game. After 47 games: Won 26, Lost 21 (home 14-9, away 12-12), Runs 193-158, Homers 41-21. Lost 1 in a row, won 7 out of last 10.

Game 48, Friday, May 25, Milwaukee at SD: Pads win 8-6. The Pads got off to a 7-0 lead on timely hitting, including Kevin Kouzmanoff's grand slam in the 5th inning. Greg Maddux (winner, now 4-3) shut them out through 5, then gave up 3 in the 6th, and Doug Brocail gave up 3 in the 7th to make it close. Marcus Giles hit a solo homer in the 6th. Heath Bell and Scott Linebrink (save #1) finished up. After 48 games: Won 27, Lost 21 (home 15-9, away 12-12), Runs 201-164, Homers 43-23, Won 1 in a row, won 7 out of last 10.

Game 49, Saturday, May 26, Milwaukee at SD: Pads win 6-3. This was a well-pitched game by both Justin Germano (6 innings, 2 runs, 5 hits, 0 walks, 4 Ks) and Claudio Vargas (7 innings, 4 runs, 10 hits, 0 walks, 5 K's). The Pads got 2 in the first on a Mike Cameron homer, and 1 in the 3rd on a Jose Cruz homer. The Brewers had solo homers by Braun and Jenkins. The Pads got 1 in the 6th and 2 in the 8th to put some distance between the teams, and the Brewers got a run of Doug Brocail in the 9th, forcing Trevor Hoffman to come in for his 14th save. After 49 games: Won 28, Lost 21 (home 16-9, away 12-12), Runs 207-167, Homers 45-25, Won 2 in a row, won 7 out of last 10.

Game 50, Sunday, May 27, Milwaukee at SD: Pads win 3-0. Another masterpiece by Jake Peavy (now 7-1; 7 innings, 0 runs, 2 hits, 1 walk, 8 K's), and Bell and Hoffman (15th save) closed it out. Adrian Gonzalez homered in the 4th, and Peavy and Marcus Giles drove in runs in the 6th.

After 50 games: Won 29 Lost 21 (home 17-9, away 12-12).
Won 3 in a row, 5 of 6 on homestand, and 8 of last 10.
Tied for 1st place in NL West with LA Dodgers.

Runs 210-167, Homers 46-23.
Team BA = 0.241, opponents 0.233.
Team ERA: 3.00, opponents 3.82.


Marcus Giles: BA 0.287, 3 HR, 19 RBI
Jose Cruz: Ba 0.275, 5 HRs, 14 RBI
Mike Cameron: BA 0.223, 34 HRs, 19 RBI
Adrian Gonzalez: BA 0.302, 12 HRs, 36 RBI
Kevin Kouzmanoff: BA 0.205, 4 HRs, 22 RBI
Kahlil Greene: BA 0.217, 6 HRs, 23 RBI
Josh Bard: BA 0.224, 1 HR, 12 RBI
Russell Branyan: BA 0.235, 4 HR, 12 RBI
Brian Giles: BA 0.276, 1 HR, 12 RBI.
Termel Sledge: BA 0.215, 4 HR, 9 RBI
Geoff Blum: BA 0.186, 1 HR, 4 RBI
Rob Bowen: BA 0.234, 1 HR, 6 RBI


Jake Peavy: 7-1, ERA 1.47, 73 innings, 48 hits, 20 walks, 85 K's
Chris Young: 5-3, ERA 2.90, 60 innings, 47 hits, 25 walks, 53 K's
Greg Maddux: 4-3, ERA 4.20, 60 innings, 66 hits, 8 walks, 37 K's
David Wells: 2-2, ERA 4.85, 52 innings, 61 hits, 13 walks, 29 K's
Justin Germano: 3-0, ERA 1.08, 25 innings, 17 hits, 2 walks, 9 K's.

Heath Bell: 0-2, ERA 1.20, 30 innings, 17 hits, 6 walks, 34 K's
Doug Brocail: 2-0, ERA 2.08, 21.2 innings, 13 hits, 8 walks, 13 K's
Scott Linebrink: 1-1, ERA 2.28, 23.2 innings, 15 hits, 6 walks, 15 K's
Trevor Hoffman: 2-2, ERA 2.70, 20 innings, 13 hits, 5 walks, 15 K's.
Cla Meredith: 1-2, ERA 3.38, 24 innings, 27 hits, 4 walks, 16 K's.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

20 ways to keep your sanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It“In.”

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Smuggling Diamonds”

7. Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days InAdvance , Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won!, IWon!”

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

19.Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

Origin of liberals and conservatives

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and 2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Padres 2007 - Games 31-40

After 30 games, my Padres are 16-14, and in 3rd place in the NL West, but only two games behind the Dodgers.

Game 31, Sunday, May 6, SD at Florida: Pads win 3-1. Another gem by Jake Peavy (now 4-1) - 1 unearned run in 7 innings, 10 K's, dominates. Meredith and Trevor Hoffman (save #8) finished them off. The Pads scored 3 runs against the Fish - good enough for Jake. After 31 games: Won 17, Lost 14 (home 8-6, away 9-8), Runs 139 - 121. Won 4 of 5.

Game 32, Monday, May 7, SD at Atlanta: Pads win 4-2. Chris Young pitched well - 2 hits over 6 innings, 8 K's (now 4-2). Adrian Gonzalez homered in the 2nd off James, and the Pads scratched 3 more off James and the relievers. Bell, Linebrink and Hoffman (Save #9) closed it out. After 32 games: Won 18, Lost 14 (home 8-6, Away 10-8), Runs 143-123. Won 5 of 6.

Game 33, Tuesday, May 8, SD at Atlanta: Braves win 3-2. A well pitched game. Newcomer Justin Germano went 6 innings for the Pads, giving up 1 run on 3 hits. Heath Bell gave up 2 runs in the 8th for the loss. The Pads managed only 3 hits, including homers by Sledge and Cameron. This was a winnable game. After 33 games: Won 18, Lost 15 (home 8-6, away 10-9), Runs 145-126. Won 5 of 7.

Game 34, Wednesday, May 9, SD at Atlanta: Braves win 3-2. Another well-pitched game - Maddux vs. Smoltz. Smoltz won, but Maddux went 5+ innings, gave up only 1 run, and was ahead when he left. In a replay of the night before, Cla Meredith gave up 2 runs in the 7th to take the loss. Gonzalez and Blum homered. Another winnable game - bullpen failure. After 34 games:
Won 18, Lost 16 (home 8-6, away 10-10), Runs 147-129, Lost 2 straight, 5-5 in last 10.

Game 35, Thursday, May 10, SD at Atlanta: Braves win 5-3. Tim Hudson outpitched David Wells. Wells went 5+ innings, giving up 5 runs (now 1-2). Brian Giles misplayed a fly ball that led to 3 runs. The Pads got 11 hits, but only 3 runs, and no walks. A winnable game - defensive and starting pitcher failures. After 35 games: Won 18, Lost 17 (8-6 at home, 10-11 away), Runs 150-134, Lost 3 straight, 5-5 in last 10.

Game 36, Friday, May 11, St. Louis at SD: Pads win 7-0. Jake Peavy (now 5-1) dominates again, 7 innings, 3 hits, 10 Ks. Branyan had 2 homers (4 RBI), Greene had a homer (2 RBI). Kevin Cameron pitched 2 hitless innings in relief - still has an ERA of 0.00. Why don't they use him more? After 36 games: Won 19, Lost 17 (9-6 home, 10-11 away), Runs 157-134, Won 1, 6-4 in last 10.

Game 37, Saturday, May 12, St. Louis at SD, Cards win 5-0. Braden Looper went 7 innings, gave up only 3 hits with 7 Ks. Chris Young started and lost (now 4-3) for the Pads. He had some bad luck in the 3rd inning - Sledge dropped a fly for an error, then dove for and missed a bases-loaded clearing double. The Pads bats died tonight. After 37 games: Won 19, Lost 18 (home 9-7, away 10-11), Runs 157-139, Lost 1, 5-5 in last 10.

Game 38, Sunday, May 13, St. Louis at SD: Pads win 3-0. Justin Germano went 7 innings, gave up only 3 hits, a great effort (now 1-0). Linebrink and Hoffman (Save #10) closed it out. The Pads scored 2 in the first off Anthony Reyes, and got another in the 5th. Brian Giles made a nice running catch at the RF scoreboard screen in the 1st inning. After 38 games: Won 20, Lost 18 (home 10-7, away 10-11), Runs 160-139, Won 1, 5-5 in last 10.

Game 39, Monday, May 14, Cincinnati at SD: Pads win 7-1. We were there. Greg Maddux was perfect through 16 batters, and pitched a complete game, giving up a run on 5 hits with no walks in 2 hours, 8 minutes. The Pads scored 3 in the first and never looked back. Cameron, Bard and Kouzmanoff had 2 hits each. After 39 games: Won 21, Lost 18 (home 11-7, away 10-11), Runs 167-140, Won 2, 6-4 in last 10.

Game 40, Tuesday, May 15, Cincinnati at SD: Reds win 2-1 in 12 innings. David Wells pitched well - one run in 8 innings. The bullpen did OK until Heath Bell gave up a homer to Ken Griffey in the 12th. Aaron Harang handcuffed the Padres, giving up only 2 hits in 9 innings. The Pads offense was two doubles (Cameron and Blum) and scored the run in the 8th on a balk. 5-5 in last 10 games.

After 40 games:
Won 21, Lost 19 (home 11-8, away 10/11).
Runs 168-142.
Homers 34-19.
Team batting average 0.236, opponents 0.225
Team ERA 3.16, opponents 3.74

All 10 of these games had decent to excellent starting pitching, but the relievers gave up runs and took the loss in 3 of the 5 losses.

5 minutes of nostalgia

My friend Ed sent me this link to a Billy Joel song "We Didn't Start the Fire" - it is a summary of history of the second half of the 20th century.

The link is at (it needs Flash player, of course).


Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The Great Chili Cookoff

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. You probably will be crying with laughter by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


* Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
* Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
* Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Judge # 1 -- Excellent fire-house chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA - I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? !



Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili with shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.



Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped in my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.



Judge # 1-- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili pepper at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report