I want one of these ...

You've got to love our older Veterans.

This man, 73, wears a protective flap over his ear while Senator Ted Kennedy, Barack O'Bama, and Hilary Clinton address the Veterans of Foreign Wars…….

I wish I could shake this man's hand.

I just want to know where he got it....

Sven and Olaf get Unemployment Benefits

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory.... and both were laid off.

So...dey went to the Unemployment Office together. Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment compensation.

Sven, when asked his occupation replied,"Diesel fitter." The clerk looked up diesel fitter...and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.

When Olaf found this out, he was furious ! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"Vat skill?" yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says, "Yah...... DIESEL FITTER."

Five riddles

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out> together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph:

"I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!"

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE OF THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
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1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English> language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

How did you do?

Will I Live to be 80?

I recently turned 60 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my healthcare insurance.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, Dr. T said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I will live to be 80?'

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'

'Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?'

'I said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.

'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun.

'No, I don't,' I said.

'Do you gamble, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'

He looked at me and said, 'Then why do you give a shit?

School in 1957 and 2007

1. Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

2. Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

3. Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

4. Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

5. Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

6. Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

7. Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Bush sees Moses

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you.

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

Computer Virus Warning

I received this in email from a friend - do you think it's true? Snopes had nothing on it.

----------------------------

If you receive an email entitled 'Bedtimes'
Delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the 'Bedtimes' message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you - you're on the computer

Computer Problem

I was having trouble with my computer.

So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ...

I used to like the little shit.............

Explaining the Oil Fiasco

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~ Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~ Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~ We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~ The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~ Alaska
~~~ California
~~~ Coastal Florida
~~~ Coastal Louisiana
~~~ Kansas
~~~ Oklahoma
~~~ Pennsylvania And Texas

~~~ Our DIPSTICKS Are located in Washington, DC !!! Any Questions ???

NO? I didn't Think So.

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

From my email ---

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

" When you have a lot of things to do, it's best to get your nap out of the way first."

Space Shuttles and Horse's Asses

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a space shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major space shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

When Insults had Class

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, 'If you were my husband I'd give you poison,' and he said, 'If you were my wife, I'd drink it.'

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: 'Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.' 'That depends, Sir,' said Disraeli, 'whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.'

'He had delusions of adequacy.' - Walter Kerr

'He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.' - Winston Churchill


'A modest little person, with much to be modest about.' - Winston Churchill

'I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.' Clarence Darrow

'He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.' - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

'Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.' - Moses Hadas

'He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I w.' - Abraham Lincoln

'I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.' - Mark Twain

'He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.' - Oscar Wilde

'I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one.' - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

'Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.' - Winston Churchill, in response.

'I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.' - Stephen Bishop

'He is a self-made man and worships his creator.' - John Bright

'I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.' - Irvin S. Cobb

'He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.' - Samuel Johnson

'He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.' - Paul Keating

'There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.' Jack E. Leonard

'He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.' - Robert Redford

'They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.' - Thomas Brackett Reed

'In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.' - Charles, Count Talleyrand

'He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.' - Forrest Tucker

'Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?' - Mark Twain

'His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.' - Mae West

'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.' - Oscar Wilde

'He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.' - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

'He has Van Gogh's ear for music.' - Billy Wilder

'I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.' - Groucho Marx

Padres 2008 - Games 51-60

Here is the Padres' history for each 10-game block of the 2008 season so far:

* 10 games, 5-5 overall, 4-3 at home, 1-2 on the road, Runs 32-31, Homers 6-7, team BA 0.282, team ERA 2.97.

* 20 games, 9-11 overall, 5-5 at home, 4-6 on the road, Runs 65-92, Homers 11-14, team BA 0.239, opposition BA 0.241, team ERA 3.88, opposition ERA 2.65.

* 30 games, 11-19 overall, 6-9 at home, 5-10 on the road, Runs 98-139, Homers 21-26, team BA 0.226, opposition BA 0.244, team ERA 4.01, opposition ERA 2.79.

* 40 games, 15-25 overall, 8-10 at home, 7-15 on the road, Runs 135-188, Homers 29-33, team BA 0.234, opposition BA 0.253, team ERA 4.14, opposition ERA 3.35.

* 50 games, 18-32 overall, 10-13 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 168-237, Homers 38-44, team BA 0.237, opposition BA 0.261, team ERA 4.33, opposition ERA 3.44.

Games 51 to 60 summaries:

* Game 51, Saturday, 24 May, Cincinnati at San Diego: Reds win 7-2. We were there. A poorly pitched game - Wil Ledezma (3 IP, 5 ER, 5 H, 2 BB, 2 SO) started and Sean Henn gave up 2 runs in the 9th to put it out of reach. The Pads pitchers gave up 11 hits and walked 11. The Pads only 2 runs came on McAnulty's triple in the 5th inning. After 51 games, the Pads are 18-33 overall, 10-14 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 170-244, Homers 38-45. They've lost 2 in a row, lost 7 out of the last 10, and lost 26 out of 36.

* Game 52, Sunday, 25 May, Cincinnati at San Diego: Pads win 12-9 in 18 innings. The Pads broke out with 3 in the 2nd inning, the Reds tied it with 3 in the 5th, went ahead with 2 in the 6th, the Pads tied it in the 8th, the Reds got 1 in the 9th, Hairston tied it in the bottom of the 9th, the Reds got 2 in the 11th, and the Pads matched it in the bottom of the 11th, and Adrian Gonzalez won it with a 3-run homer in the 18th off the 10th Reds pitcher, Edinson Volquez. Whew. Kouzmanoff had 2 homers, McAnulty 1, and Gonzalez had 4 RBIs. Greg Maddux started (5.1 IP, 1 ER, 4 R, 6 H, 3 BB, 4 SO), Meredith, Hoffman and Wells gave up runs in relief, but Josh Banks saved the day with 6 innings of shutout relief to get the win. After 52 games, the Pads are 19-33 overall, 11-14 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 182-253, Homers 42-46. They've won 1 in a row, lost 6 out of the last 10, and lost 26 out of 37.

* Game 53: Tuesday, 27 May, Washington at San Diego: Pads win 4-2. Adrian Gonzalez and Kevin Kouzmanoff hit back-to-back homers in the 7th inning to break up a 2-2 tie game. Randy wolf pitched well (6 IP, 2 R, 7 H, 0 BB, 5 SO) and Corey, Bell and Hoffman pitched three scoreless relief innings (Bell won it, now 1-3, Hoffman got his 10th save). After 53 games, the Pads are 20-33 overall, 12-14 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 186-255, Homers 44-47. They've won 2 in a row, lost 6 out of the last 10, and lost 26 out of 38.

* Game 54: Wednesday, 28 May, Washington at San Diego: Nats win 6-4. Catcher Jesus Flores hit a grand slam in the 4th off Shawn Estes (5 IP, 4 R, 4 H, 2 BB, 3 SO), lost, now 1-1 and Mike Adams gave up 2 runs in relief. The Pads battled back to 6-4 with Hairston's homer in the 7th. After 54 games, the Pads are 20-34 overall, 12-15 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 190-261, Homers 45-49. They've lost 1 in a row, lost 6 out of the last 10, and lost 27 out of 39.

* Game 55: Thursday, 29 May, Washington at San Diego: Pads win 5-2. Jody Gerut hit a 3-run homer in the 8th inning to break a 2-2 tie game. Wil Ledezma pitched well (5 IP, 1 R, 2 H, 3 BB, 7 SO) but Cla Meredith gave up a tying run in the 7th. Heath Bell got the win (now 2-3) and Trevor Hoffman got his 11th save. Edgar Gonzalez drove in the first two runs in the 4th with a bases-loaded single. After 55 games, the Pads are 21-34 overall, 13-15 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 195-263, Homers 46-49. They've won 1 in a row, won 3 out of the last 4, won 5 out of the last 10, and lost 27 out of the last 40.

* Game 56: Friday, 30 May, San Diego at San Francisco: Pads win 7-3. Greg Maddux and Matt Cain engaged in a pitching duel, but the Pads bullpen won it for the Pads (bell got the win, now 2-3). After 56 games, the Pads are 22-34 overall, 13-15 at home, 9-19 on the road, Runs 202-266, Homers 47-50. They've won 2 in a row, won 4 out of the last 5, and won 6 out of the last 10.

* Game 57: Saturday, 31 May, San Diego at San Francisco: Pads win 5-1. Josh Banks pitched a great game (9 IP, 0 ER, 6 H, 0 BB, 5 SO, won, now 2-0). The Pads scored 4 in the first inning, on error-single-walk-single-single-strikeout-double. Adrian Gonzalez had 3 RBI. After 57 games, the Pads are 23-34 overall, 13-15 at home, 10-19 on the road, Runs 207-267, Homers 47-50. They've won 3 in a row, won 5 out of the last 6, and won 6 out of the last 10.

* Game 58: Sunday, 1 June, San Diego at San Francisco: Giants win 4-3. Randy Wolf pitched really well (6 IP, 1 R, 4 H, 1 BB, 5 SO) but Trevor Hoffman blew the save and got the loss (3 BS, 0-4) in the 10th inning after Adrian Gonzalez hit a 2-run homer off Alex Hinshaw. After 58 games, the Pads are 23-35 overall, 13-15 at home, 10-20 on the road, Runs 210-271, Homers 48-51. They've lost 1 in a row, won 5 out of the last 7, and won 6 out of the last 10.

* Game 59: Monday, 2 June, Chicago Cubs at San Diego: Cubbies win 7-6. This was a really frustrating game ... the Pads scored 3 in the first inning off Carlos Zambrano. The Cubs pecked away and were ahead 4-3 when Cha Seung Baek left (4.1 IP, 4 R, 9 H, 1 BB, 2 SO, lost, now 1-1). Justin Hampson gave up 2 more runs in the 6th, and Mike Adams another in the 7th, and the Cubs sailed into the bottom of the 9th with a 7-3 lead. Adrian Gonzalez hit a 3-run homer in the 9th with one out, but Kerry Wood got Tony Clark to strike out, and Michael Barrett flied out. After 59 games, the Pads are 23-36 overall, 13-16 at home, 10-20 on the road, Runs 216-278, Homers 49-51. They've lost 2 in a row, won 5 out of the last 8, and won 5 out of the last 10.

* Game 60: Tuesday, 3 June, Chicago Cubs at San Diego: Cubs win 9-6. Wil Ledezma (4.2 IP), Brian corey (1.1 IP) and Carlos Guevara (2 IP) each gave up 3 runs as the Cubs blasted 3 home runs. The Pads lead 2-0 and 3-1 before the Cubs went up 9-3. The Pads scored 3 in the 8th to make it closer. After 60 games, the Pads are 23-37 overall, 13-17 at home, 10-20 on the road, Runs 222-287, Homers 49-54. They've lost 3 in a row, and won 5 out of the last 10.

In these 10 games, the Pads were 5-5, 3-4 at home, 2-1 on the road, Runs 54-50, Homers 11-10. They were blown out in only one of the losses.

Hitting statistics (Avg, H-AB, HR-RBI, BB-SO) through 59 games (the U-T didn't publish stats through 60 games):

Jody Gerut -- 0.250, 22-88, 2-6, 12-15
Tadahito Iguchi - 0.257, 59-230, 2-18, 23-53
Brian Giles - 0.295, 64-217, 3-23, 39-24
Adrian Gonzalez - 0.298, 70-235, 17-54, 20-52
Kevin Kouzmanoff - 0.273, 66-242, 8-25, 8-48
Kahlil Greene - 0.207, 45-217, 5-23, 14-58
Scott Hairston - 0.220, 38-173, 7-15, 12-48
Josh Bard - 0.200, 26-130, 0-7, 14-18
Paul McAnulty - 0.211, 20-95, 3-9, 20-25
Michael Barrett - 0.182, 6-33, 0-4, 3-6
Tony Clark - 0.245, 12-49, 0-2, 11-18

TEAM HITTING: 0.237, 491-2079, 49-208, 208-473
OPPO HITTING: 0.260, 543-2088, 51-261, 203-419

Pitching Statistics (W-L, ERA, G-IP, H-ER, BB-SO) through 59 games:

Jake Peavy -- 4-3, 2.91, 9-58.2, 48-19, 20-60
Chris Young -- 4-4, 4.50, 10-54.0, 50-27, 30-51
Randy Wolf -- 3-4, 4.33, 12-70.2, 67-34, 23-64
Greg Maddux -- 3-4, 3.69, 12-70.2, 77-29, 12-38
Shawn Estes -- 1-1, 3.33, 5-24.1, 18-9, 10-14
Josh Banks -- 2-0, 0.00, 3-17.0, 14-00, 5-10
Heath Bell - 2-3, 2.23, 29-32.1, 24-8, 10-25
Cla Meredith -- 0-1, 4.03, 30-29.0, 28-13, 8-19
Trevor Hoffman -- 0-4, 5.68, 20-19.0, 21-12, 6-23 (11 saves)
Wil Ledezma -- 0-2, 4.25, 12-36.0, 34-17, 21-31

TEAM PITCHING: 23-36, 4.19, 59-549.2, 543-256, 203-419
OPPO PITCHING: 36-23, 3.22, 59-550.0, 491-197, 208-473.

The injury bug bit again during this ten game stretch, with Shawn Estes breaking his thumb in the dugout and going on the DL.

The team batting average stayed the same, but with Jody Gerut (10 for 31) and Adrian Gonzalez (16 for 38, 4 HR, 15 RBI) improved a bit, and Kahlil Greene really slumped (3 for 34, 14 SO). There are way too many strikeouts (84 in these 9 games) but there were more hits (84 in these 9 games) and RBIs (47 in these 9 games) and walks (45 in these 9 games).

The hitters are averaging 8.32 hits, 3.66 runs, 0.83 homers, 3.52 walks and 8.02 strikeouts per game. The opposition stats are 9.20 hits, 4.71 runs, 0.86 homers, 3.44 walks and 7.10 strikeouts per game.

Cool art

Do you see four faces in the picture above?

Where does the middle column end?

How many horses do you see in this picture? You should find 7.

Do you see a face, or the word Liar?

So you think the price of gas is high?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

* Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ..... $10.32 per gallon

* Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ........ $9.52 per gallon

* Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ............ $10.17 per gallon

* Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ....... $10.00 per gallon

* Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ........ $33.60 per gallon

* Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ..... $178.13 per gallon

* Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .... $123.20 per gallon

* Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ $25.42 per gallon

* Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ........... $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...Evian water 9 oz $1.49... $21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at............... (you won't believe it....but it is true........)$5,200 a gal. (yep, five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!

Potential 7.8 Southern California Earthquake

The following was posted on Science Daily today:

ScienceDaily (May 23, 2008) — Scientists have unveiled a hypothetical Scenario describing how a magnitude 7.8 Southern California earthquake -similar to the recent earthquake in China- would impact the region, causing loss of lives and massive damage to infrastructure, including critical transportation, power, and water systems.

In the Scenario, the earthquake would kill 1800 people, injure 50,000, cause $200 billion in damage, and have long-lasting social and economic consequences. This is the most comprehensive analysis ever of what a major Southern California earthquake would mean, and is the scientific framework for what will be the largest earthquake preparedness drill in California history, scheduled for November 13, 2008.

The November preparedness exercise, "Golden Guardian '08," will test the ability of emergency responders to deal with the impact of a magnitude 7.8 earthquake on the San Andreas Fault in Southern California, and is being jointly organized by the Governor's Office of Emergency Services and the California Office of Homeland Security. The Golden Guardian exercise will occur during a week-long series of public events planned for the "Great Southern California ShakeOut." A June 4th kick-off event is planned for the "ShakeOut" to help communities plan to respond to the risks highlighted in the Scenario.

The scientific report describing the ShakeOut Scenario, jointly published by the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) and the California Geological Survey (CGS), will be released May 21 during a Congressional hearing in Washington, D.C. The House Committee on Natural Resources, Subcommittee on Energy and Mineral Resources, led by Chairman Jim Costa (D-CA), will hold an oversight hearing on USGS efforts to prepare for future earthquakes.

Although imaginary, the Shakeout Scenario is based on scientists' best predictions of what would actually occur during and after a major earthquake on the San Andreas Fault.

The Scenario outlines a hypothetical earthquake in which:

* The strongest shaking and greatest damage is near the stretch of the San Andreas Fault that extends through the fastest growing areas of Southern California, including the Coachella Valley, Inland Empire and Antelope Valley.
At least 10 million people will be exposed to heavy shaking. California's efforts at mitigation have concentrated on life safety and have been largely successful. Thus, in spite of the large numbers of people in highly shaken areas, deaths are estimated at only 1,800.

* Building types known to be vulnerable to damage and collapse, do indeed sustain major damage. All un-reinforced masonry buildings within 15 miles of the San Andreas Fault are completely destroyed. Those that are not retrofitted kill many occupants. Many other older building types without retrofitting contribute to over $33 billion in damage to buildings.

* The fault offsets all lifelines crossing into Southern California at Cajon Pass (Interstate 15), San Gorgonio Pass (Interstate 10) and along Route 14, including pipelines, power lines, roads, railways, telecommunications and aqueducts.
Strong shaking continues in downtown Los Angeles for 55 seconds - nearly 8 times longer than in the Northridge Earthquake

* The prolonged, strong shaking heavily damages and sometimes collapses hundreds of old brick buildings, thousands of older commercial and industrial concrete buildings, many wood-frame buildings, and even a few, high-rise steel buildings. Over 600,000 buildings suffer at least some damage that causes tens of thousands of injuries and hundreds of deaths, and leaves many thousands of people without homes or jobs.

* Fire doubles the fatalities and economic losses. Around Southern California, there will be 1,600 fires started large enough to warrant a 911 call, and some fires merge into conflagrations that burn hundreds of city blocks. Assuming no Santa Ana winds, the models still indicate a further $65 billion in direct losses and $22 billion in indirect losses from the fires.

* Nearly two thirds of the hospital beds are non-functional in Los Angeles, Orange, Riverside, and San Bernardino counties. At the same time, 50,000 people will seek treatment at emergency rooms.

* Thanks to a $6 billion investment in seismic safety, the State highway system fares well. However, although collapse is avoided, some bridges are non-functional so that much of the highway is not passable on the day of the event. The long duration of shaking takes a greater toll on bridges and overpasses under the jurisdiction of cities and counties where the retrofitting processes are not complete or have not begun.

* The largest long-term economic disruption comes from damage to the water distribution system. Damage to this system will be so extensive that some areas will have to replace the whole system, and some buildings will be without water for as long as 6 months. The direct and indirect business interruption costs attributed to the lack of water will be $50 billion.

Most of the damage is predictable and much is preventable. Individuals can protect themselves and help their community by:

* Storing more water than they already have
* Keeping a fire extinguisher and knowing how to use it.
* Securing their space. This means securing building contents from flying around and reinforcing a building they own to the most current standards.

"The planned emergency drill is underpinned by the most comprehensive analysis ever of what a major Southern California earthquake would mean on the ground," said Dr. Lucile Jones, chief scientist for U.S. Geological Survey's Southern California Multi-Hazards Demonstration Project. "We know this science will help state and local agencies develop comprehensive emergency-response plans that will help us avoid the worst impacts of a major quake."

The ShakeOut Scenario is the product of an interdisciplinary collaboration of over 300 scientists, engineers, and other experts from several agencies, including the USGS, the California Geological Survey, Southern California Earthquake Center, California Office of Emergency Services and Seismic Safety Commission.

To create the Scenario, geologists determined the amount of potential motion on the part of the San Andreas Fault with the greatest risk of imminent rupture, a 200-mile long section from the Salton Sea in the Coachella Valley to just south of Gorman. From this, seismologists and computer scientists modeled the ground shaking. Engineers and building professionals used the models of ground shaking to estimate damage to the built environment. And from these damages, social scientists evaluated emergency response, casualties, and the impact on our economy and society.

A copy of the full technical report, The ShakeOut Scenario, is available online at http://pubs.usgs.gov/of/2008/1150.

Men in training pix

More holy humor

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES & THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.

Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

Church Smiles:

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

AMISH SIGN:

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.Caution: Do not step in exhaust.

More Audrey pix

Linda was at Tami's this week helping with Lolo and Audrey. I couldn't go because I was sick from my time in Santa Cruz with Lucas and Logan.

Here's Linda with Lolo and Audrey...


And here's Tami with Lolo and Audrey ...

And here's Audrey at 2+ weeks with her eyes open and arms up ...

Padres 2008 - Games 41-50

Here is the Padres' history for each 10-game block of the 2008 season so far:

* 10 games, 5-5 overall, 4-3 at home, 1-2 on the road, Runs 32-31, Homers 6-7, team BA 0.282, team ERA 2.97.

* 20 games, 9-11 overall, 5-5 at home, 4-6 on the road, Runs 65-92, Homers 11-14, team BA 0.239, opposition BA 0.241, team ERA 3.88, opposition ERA 2.65.

* 30 games, 11-19 overall, 6-9 at home, 5-10 on the road, Runs 98-139, Homers 21-26, team BA 0.226, opposition BA 0.244, team ERA 4.01, opposition ERA 2.79.

* 40 games, 15-25 overall, 8-10 at home, 7-15 on the road, Runs 135-188, Homers 29-33, team BA 0.234, opposition BA 0.253, team ERA 4.14, opposition ERA 3.35.

Games 41 to 50 summaries:

Game 41, Wednesday, May 14, San Diego at Chicago Cubs: Cubs win 4-0. Ryan Dempster struck out 12 (8.1 IP, 0 R, 6 H, 1 BB, 12 SO) while Greg Maddux was mediocre (4.1 IP, 4 R, 11 H, 0 BB, 1 SO). The Cubs got all four runs in the 5th inning. After 41 games, the Pads are 15-26 overall, 8-10 at home, 7-16 on the road, Runs 135-192, Homers 29-33. They've lost 1 straight won 3 out of 5, lost 7 out of the last 10, and lost 19 out of 27.

Game 42: Thursday, May 15, San Diego at Chicago Cubs: Cubs win 8-5. Jake Peavy pitched poorly (4 IP, 4 ER, 7 H, 2 BB, 8 SO, lost, now 4-3), falling behind 4-0. The Pads made it 4-3 in the 5th and 6-4 in the 5th, but ther bullpen failed again - 4 runs in 4 innings. After 42 games, the Pads are 15-27 overall, 8-10 at home, 7-17 on the road, Runs 140-200, Homers 29-35. They've lost 2 straight 3 out of 4, lost 7 out of the last 10, and lost 20 out of 27.

Game 43: Friday, May 16, San Diego at Seattle (AL): Pads win 6-4. Chris Young did not pitch well (6 IP, 4 R, 5 H, 4 BB, 5 SO, won now 4-3) but it was good enough to beat Miguel Batista and the Mariners. The Pads scored 5 runs in the first 3 innings, but the M's got 3 in the 2nd and 1 in the 3rd. The Pads got an insurance run in the 6th and the bullpen (Meredith, Bell, Hoffman - 8th save) pitched 3 scoreless innings. After 43 games, the Pads are 16-27 overall, 8-10 at home, 8-17 on the road, Runs 146-204, Homers 30-36. They've won 1 in a row, lost 3 out of the last 5, lost 6 out of the last 10, and lost 20 out of 28.

Game 44: Saturday, May 17, San Diego at Seattle (AL): Mariners win 4-2. Randy Wold (6.1 IP, 3 R, 7 H, 1 BB, 5 SO) pitched well enough to win, but Cla Meredith gave up a 2-run homer in the 7th to Adrian Beltre. The Pads only runs were a 2-run homer by Adrian Gonzalez off Eric Bedard in the 4th. Bedard struck out 10 Pads. This was a winnable game - the bullpen failed. After 44 games, the Pads are 16-28 overall, 8-10 at home, 8-18 on the road, Runs 148-208, Homers 31-37. They've lost 1 in a row, lost 4 out of the last 6, lost 6 out of the last 10, and lost 21 out of 29.

Game 45: Sunday, May 18, San Diego at Seattle (AL): M's win 3-2. Shawn Estes pitched well into the 7th, giving up 1 R on 4 H. Heath Bell gave up 2 runs in the 8th to take the loss. The only Padres runs were another 2-run homer by Adrian Gonzalez off Felix Hernandez. This was another winnable game - the bullpen failed again. After 45 games, the Pads are 16-29 overall, 8-10 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 150-211, Homers 32-37. They've lost 2 in a row, lost 5 out of the last 7, lost 6 out of the last 10, and lost 22 out of 30.

Game 46: Monday, May 19, St. Louis at San Diego: Cards win 8-2. Wil Ledezma and Justin Germano couldn't stifle the Cards hitting (7 runs on 11 hits in 6 innings) and the Pads mustered all of 6 hits off Wellemeyer. Albert Pujols hit two homers, Izturis and Ludwick hit one as we sat through a pummeling. After 46 games, the Pads are 16-30 overall, 8-11 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 152-219, Homers 32-41. They've lost 3 in a row, lost 6 out of the last 8, and lost 23 out of 30.

Game 47: Tuesday, May 20, St. Louis at San Diego: Pads win 3-2, on a well pitched game by Greg Maddux and the bullpen, with Brian Corey picking up the win (now 1-0), Heath Bell the hold and Trevor Hoffman the save (#9). Kevin Kouzmanoff provided all of the offense with a 3-run homer in the 6th off Joel Pineiro. After 47 games, the Pads are 17-30 overall, 9-11 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 155-221, Homers 33-41. They've won 1 in a row, lost 6 out of the last 9, and lost 23 out of 31.

Game 48: Wednesday, May 21, St. Louis at San Diego: Cards win 11-3, and Chris Young (broken nose) and Josh Bard (ankle sprain) were lost for two weeks or more. The Pads jumped ahead on Adrian Gonzalez home run in the first, but in the 3rd with two on, Pujols lined a ball off Young's face. The Cards scored 3 in the 3rd, 3 in the 4th, 3 in the 6th and 2 in the 8th off the bullpen. After 48 games, the Pads are 17-31 overall, 9-12 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 158-232, Homers 34-42. They've lost 1 in a row, lost 7 out of the last 10, and lost 24 out of 33.

The Pads optioned Joe Thatcher back to Portland, put Young and Bard on the DL, and released Justin Germano after the game. They called up C Colt Morton, and pitchers Mike Adams, Josh Banks and Jared Wells from Portland.

Game 49: Thursday, May 22, Cincinnati at San Diego: Pads win 8-2. Randy wolf pitched well (7 IP, 2 R, 4 H, 1 BB, 9 SO, won, now 3-4) and the Pads bashed 4 homers after falling behind 2-0 in the first inning on Ken Griffey Jr.'s homer. Adrian Gonzalez pout the Pads ahead in the 5th with a 2-run homer, Kahlil Greene had two solo homers and Kevin Kouzmanoff had a 2-run homer also. Callup Mike Adams pitched two scoreless innings. After 49 games, the Pads are 18-31 overall, 10-12 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 166-234, Homers 38-43. They've won 1 in a row, lost 6 out of the last 10, and lost 24 out of 34.

Game 50: Friday, May 23, Cincinnati at San Diego: Reds win 3-2. Shawn Estes pitched well enough to win, but the Pads scored only two runs on 5 hits off Edinson Volquez (6 IP, 1 R, 2 H, 2 BB, 12 SO) and four Reds relievers - with 17 strikeouts. Adam Dunn hit a solo homer in the 9th off Trevor Hoffman (lost, now 0-3).

After 50 games, the Pads are 18-32 overall, 10-13 at home, 8-19 on the road, Runs 168-237, Homers 38-44. They've lost 1 in a row, lost 7 out of the last 10, and lost 25 out of 35.

In these 10 games, the Pads were 3-7, 2-3 at home, 1-4 on the road, Runs 33-49, Homers 9-11. They were blown out in two of the losses.

Hitting statistics (Avg, H-AB, HR-RBI, BB-SO) through 50 games:

Jody Gerut -- 0.211, 12-57, 1-3, 8-7
Tadahito Iguchi - 0.258, 49-190, 2-16, 20-40
Brian Giles - 0.306, 55-180, 3-20, 31-21
Adrian Gonzalez - 0.274, 54-197, 13-39, 13-47
Kevin Kouzmanoff - 0.270, 55-204, 5-19, 5-40
Kahlil Greene - 0.230, 42-183, 5-21, 10-44
Scott Hairston - 0.236, 34-144, 5-12, 10-38
Josh Bard - 0.200, 26-130, 0-7, 14-18
Paul McAnulty - 0.195, 15-77, 2-6, 15-19

TEAM HITTING: 0.237, 409-1704, 38-161, 163-389
OPPO HITTING: 0.261, 453-1739, 44-222, 173-338

Pitching Statistics (W-L, ERA, G-IP, H-ER, BB-SO) through 50 games -

Jake Peavy -- 4-3, 2.91, 9-58.2, 48-19, 20-60
Chris Young -- 4-4, 4.50, 10-54.0, 50-27, 30-51
Randy Wolf -- 3-4, 4.76, 10-58.2, 56-31, 22-54
Greg Maddux -- 3-4, 3.94, 10-59.1, 66-26, 9-29
Shawn Estes -- 1-0, 2.33, 4-19.1, 14-5, 8-11
Heath Bell - 0-3, 2.67, 24-27.0, 22-8, 9-23
Cla Meredith -- 0-1, 3.91, 25-23.0, 22-10, 6-13
Trevor Hoffman -- 0-3, 4.91, 15-14.2, 14-8, 5-16 (9 saves)
Wil Ledezma -- 0-1, 3.54, 10-28.0, 27-11, 16-22

TEAM PITCHING: 18-32, 4.33, 50-455.1, 453-219, 173-338
OPPO PITCHING: 32-18, 3.44, 50-460.0, 407-158, 163-389.

The injury bug bit during this ten game stretch, with Peavy, Young and Bard going on the DL.

The team batting average improved a bit, with Brian Giles the main contributor (17 for 37). While Adrian Gonzalez slumped (7 for 38, but 4 HR and 10 RBI), Kahlil Greene raised his average a bit. There are way too many strikeouts (96 in these 10 games) and not enough hits (74 in these 10 games), RBIs (32 in these 10 games) or walks (26 in these 10 games).

The key to this team is still pitching - the team will win when the ERA is 3.0, not 4.4, and not before. The starters are getting roughed up - the only consistent starter now is Estes. Ledezma took over for Peavy and got bashed twice, and Mewredith and Henn have not pitched well recently. The new relievers - Corey and Adams, have done well so far.

The hitters need to improve tremendously and average better than 8.2 hits, 3.4 runs, 0.8 homers, 3.3 walks and 7.9 strikeouts per game.

Realistically, we're looking at a 58-104 season at the present rate the team is going. How long will they keep Hairston, Clark, Bard, McAnulty, Gerut, Huber, Maddux, Meredith and Henn if they don't improve? Chase Headley might make a difference if he can hit major league pitching. They've called up all the pitching they can. There are still free agents out there who haven't played since 2007...but that's probably not the answer. We may have to wait until late July to see if someone is willing to give us prospects for the non-performers. Fat chance!

Don't mess with old dogs!

A wealthy old man decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the old poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with the old dogs...age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Dear Abby

Dear Abby...

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed, Worried in NY.

Holy humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country."Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

========

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Vote carefully this year ...

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible.

Things my mother taught me ...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

The Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle

Money spent: Oil Change: $20.00Coffee: $1.00Total: $21.00

==========

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of bee r, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:Parts: $50.00; DUI: $2500.00; Impound fee: $75.00; Bail: $1500.00; Beer: $20.00. Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!