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Friday, September 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
You are a Californian if ...
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan stories, somebody had to come up with this, to know you're from California.
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember .. . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember .. . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. Gas costs a $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember .. . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember .. . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember .. . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. Gas costs a $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember .. . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
Three Texas Blondes
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?' The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.'
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. 'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'
The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?' 'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.' The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.'
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. 'Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'
The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?' 'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.' The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'
Wisdom - from the manual
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." --U.S. Air Force Manual
---------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -- General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
---------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." -- U.S. Army Ordnance
---------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -- - Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....Once."
---------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -- Unknown Marine Recruit
---------------------------------------------
Clean it, if it's Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don't Mess with it, if it Works! -- USAF Electronic Technician
------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." -- USAF - Ammo Troop
---------------------------------------------
"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
---------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -- Paul F. Crickmore ( test pilot )
---------------------------------------------
A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude: Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! -- USAF Navi-guesser
---------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
---------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
However, it's probably unsafe in any case "
---------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, You always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
---------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot fowls up, the pilot dies; If ATC fowls up, .... The pilot dies."
---------------------------------------------
" Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
---------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation. We never left one up there!"
---------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
---------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
---------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
---------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
---------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked When it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
---------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don 't know, I just got here myself
---------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." --U.S. Air Force Manual
---------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -- General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
---------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." -- U.S. Army Ordnance
---------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -- - Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....Once."
---------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -- Unknown Marine Recruit
---------------------------------------------
Clean it, if it's Dirty. Oil it, if it Squeaks. But: Don't Mess with it, if it Works! -- USAF Electronic Technician
------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him." -- USAF - Ammo Troop
---------------------------------------------
"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
---------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." -- Paul F. Crickmore ( test pilot )
---------------------------------------------
A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude: Latitude is Where We are Lost, & Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There! -- USAF Navi-guesser
---------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
---------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
However, it's probably unsafe in any case "
---------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, You always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
---------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot fowls up, the pilot dies; If ATC fowls up, .... The pilot dies."
---------------------------------------------
" Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
---------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation. We never left one up there!"
---------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
---------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
---------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
---------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
---------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked When it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
---------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don 't know, I just got here myself
Who to blame?
From my email --
If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, Your family blames the Tobacco company..
If your neighbor crashes Into a tree while driving home drunk, He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are Brats without manners, You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a Deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks Into the cockpit and Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, And the passengers Kill him instead, The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to Understand the world As it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to Blame Bill Gates.
If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, Your family blames the Tobacco company..
If your neighbor crashes Into a tree while driving home drunk, He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are Brats without manners, You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a Deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks Into the cockpit and Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, And the passengers Kill him instead, The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to Understand the world As it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to Blame Bill Gates.
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