Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from
here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead . Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No,honey, don 't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .... I know 'em all'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Walking can add minutes to your life.This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing....
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there....
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Monday, December 21, 2009
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, 'What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?' He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: 'Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.'
To emphasize his point he said to another guest; 'You're a teacher, Ned. Be honest. What do you make?'
Ned, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, 'You want to know what I make? (He paused for a second, then began...)
'Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
'I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.
'I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod,Game Cube or movie rental.
'You want to know what I make?' (he paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)
''I make kids wonder..
'I make them question.
' make them apologize and mean it.
'I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
'I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't everything.
'I make them read, read, read.
'I make them show all their work in math. They use their God-given brain, not the man-made calculator.
'I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English
while preserving their unique cultural identity.
'I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.
'I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in the United States of America.
'I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.'
(He paused one last time, then continued.)
'Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant...
'You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
'What do you make, Mr. CEO?'
His jaw dropped - he went silent.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Saturday, December 19, 2009
One of the civilian email participants posed the following question, "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"
Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humor replied:
"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we do most of our harassing.
The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. And at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.
When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.
Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass.
The tools available to us are as follows:
PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment.
Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.
CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.
Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.
STATUTES: When we don't have PHONES or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Codes, etc... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.
After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well.
We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they actually pay us to "harass" some people.
Next time you are in my town, give me the old "single finger wave." That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can't harass me."
It's one of our favorites.
Friday, December 18, 2009
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Fabulous 50s Christmas Songs
A Holly Jolly Christmas -- Burl Ives
Away In A Manger -- Loretta Lynn
Christmas Alphabet -- The McGuire Sisters
Christmas Country Christmas -- The Statler Brothers
Christmas In My Hometown -- Sonny James
Christmas Song -- Alvin & The Chipmunks
Christmas Times A Coming -- Bill Monroe And The Bluegrass Boys
Christmas Waltz -- Frank Sinatra
Christmas Without You -- Kenny Rogersand Dolly Parton
Frosty The Snowman -- Gene Autry
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer -- Elmo & Patsy
Hard Rock Candy Christmas -- Dolly Parton
Hark The Herald Angels Sing -- Nat King Cole
Have Yourself A Very Merry Christmas -- Rosemary Clooney
Home For The Holidays -- Perry Como
Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas -- Bing Crosby &The Andrew Sisters
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus -- Jimmy Boyd
Its a Most Wonderful Time Of The Year -- Johnny Mathis
Jingle Bell Rock -- Bobby Helms
Jingle Bells -- Roy Rogers
Jingle Bells -- Perry Como
Jingle Bells -- The Jingle Bell Piggie
Joy To The World --Nat King Cole
Leroy, the Redneck Reindeer -- Joe Diffie
Let It Snow -- Andy Williams
Lets Put Christ Back Into Christmas -- Tammy Wynette
Little Drummer Boy -- Neil Diamond
O Christmas Tree -- Nat King Cole
Please Come Home -- The Platters
Pretty Paper -- Roy Orbison
Rocking Around The Christmas Tree -- Brenda Lee
Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer -- Gene Autry
Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer -- Unknown Group
Santa Baby -- Cynthia Basinet
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town -- Bing Crosby
Santa Claus Is Watching You -- Ray Stevens
Silver Bells -- Bing Crosby/Peggy Lee
Silent Night -- Dean Martin
Sleigh Ride -- Johnny Mathis
The First Noel -- Andy Williams
Up On The Housetop -- Gene Autry
White Christmas -- Bing Crosby
White Christmas -- The Drifters (1954)
Winter Wonderland -- Brenda Lee
Christmas With Elvis -- Elvis Presley
Sunday, December 13, 2009
If George W. Bush had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to take Laura Bush to a play in NYC, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had reduced your retirement plan's holdings of GM stock by 90% and given the unions a majority stake in GM, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had made a joke at the expense of the Special Olympics, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had given Gordon Brown a set of inexpensive and incorrectly formatted DVD's, when Gordon Brown had given him a thoughtful and historically significant gift, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had given the Queen of England an iPod containing videos of his speeches, would you have thought this embarrassingly narcissistic and tacky?
If George W. Bush had bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had visited Austria and made reference to the non-existent "Austrian language," would you have brushed it off as a minor slip?
If George W. Bush had filled his cabinet and circle of advisers with people who cannot seem to keep current in their income taxes, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had been so Spanish illiterate as to refer to "Cinco de Cuatro" in front of the Mexican ambassador when it was the 5th of May (Cinco de Mayo), and continued to flub it when he tried again, would you have winced in embarrassment?
If George W. Bush had misspelled the word advice would you have hammered him for it for years like Dan Quayle and potato as proof of what a dunce he is?
If George W. Bush had burned 9,000 gallons of jet fuel to go plant a single tree on Earth Day, would you have concluded he's a hypocrite?
If George W. Bush's administration had Okayed Air Force One flying low over millions of people followed by a jet fighter in downtown Manhattan causing widespread panic, would you have wondered whether they actually get what happened on 9-11.?
If George W. Bush had failed to send relief aid to flood victims throughout the Midwest with more people killed or made homeless than in New Orleans , would you want it made into a major ongoing political issue with claims of racism and incompetence?
If George W. Bush had ordered the firing of the CEO of a major corporation, even though he had no constitutional authority to do so, would you have approved?
If George W Bush had proposed to double the national debt, which had taken more than two centuries to accumulate, in one year, would you have approved?
If George W. Bush had then proposed to double the debt again within 10 years, would you have approved?
So, tell me again, what is it about Obama that makes him so brilliant and impressive? Can't think of anything? Don't worry. He's done all this in 10 months -- so you'll have three years and two months to come up with an answer.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids'
That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The good news is that I truly out did myself this year. The bad news is that I had to take the dummy down after 2 days.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents, because they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house. She didn't realize it was dummy until she climbed to the top, and she was not amused. She was one of many who attempted a rescue -- I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up on my yard.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
1 . Kumquat
Definition: A small, round or oblong citrus fruit, native to China.
Funny Sentence Usage: “My Grandmother had the largest kumquat I’d ever seen in real life.”
Definition: Any tropical tree or shrub that grows in marshes or tidal shores.
Funny Sentence Usage: “I lost my wristwatch somewhere in the mangrove near his backdoor.”
Definition: Small songbird of the genus Parus. Known for it’s short conical bill.
Funny Sentence Usage: “I’m not the one that whistled at you, it was the titmouse!”
Definition: A puffed-out woman’s hair do, popular in the 1950’s.
Funny Sentence Usage: “She had a great body and a warm personality but her bouffant was just too damn big for a guy my size!”
Definition: A dark, sour rye bread.
Funny Sentence Usage: “The prostitute slammed her fist on the deli counter and demanded hot beef and pumpernickel.”
Definition: An umbrella.
Funny Sentence Usage: “Rhianna won a Grammy for singing about her bumbershoot.”
Definition: A self-important little man.
Funny Sentence Usage: “That bouncer was a real cockalorum.”
Definition: Underhanded dealings.
Funny Sentence Usage: ” In addition to being a necrophiliac, Peter was also guilty of skullduggery.”
Definition: To apply face paint or make-up.
Funny Sentence Usage: “She looks good but I’m going to fard some more brown on her cheeks for good measure.”
Definition: A deep stretch of the entire body.
Funny Sentence Usage: “While I was in the act of pandiculation, my mother walked into the room and reminded me to breathe.”
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
...passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it,
...to be signed by a president that also hasn't read it and who smokes, with
...funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, all to be
...overseen by a surgeon general who is obese,
and financed by a country that's nearly broke.
What could possibly go wrong?
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming or universal health care." and he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'"
The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know s--t?"