I love my email friends... best joke of the day:
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me.”
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”
Monday, March 22, 2010
Friday, March 05, 2010
Potentially and Realistically
From my email...
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’
The father thought for a moment, his son was a man of the modern world so he answered in a forthright way, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’
So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would You sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’
The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I Would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’
The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million bucks would buy?’
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’
The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a queer.’
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’
The father thought for a moment, his son was a man of the modern world so he answered in a forthright way, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’
So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would You sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’
The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I Would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’
The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’
‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million bucks would buy?’
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’
The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a queer.’
Thursday, March 04, 2010
The Horth Whithperer
From my email -- I did LOL!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’
‘That’s easy; he’s a midget with a speech impediment.’
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.
‘A female horth.’
So he shows him a prized filly.
‘Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth’?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
‘Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth’?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
‘Nith earzth, can I see her mouf’?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
‘Nice mouf, can I see her twat’?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
‘Perhapth I should rephrase that, ‘Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit’?
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’
‘That’s easy; he’s a midget with a speech impediment.’
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.
‘A female horth.’
So he shows him a prized filly.
‘Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth’?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
‘Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth’?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
‘Nith earzth, can I see her mouf’?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
‘Nice mouf, can I see her twat’?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
‘Perhapth I should rephrase that, ‘Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit’?
Monday, March 01, 2010
Four doctors
From my brother...
A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we took the kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'
A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we took the kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
A Chicago doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.'
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