From my email, thanks, Stan:
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sex and Good Grammar
From my email...
On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ’1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ’1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure
for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ’1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ’1-2-3-4,’” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Some lesser known Murphy's Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable…except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, 5-6 at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. Definition: The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable…except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, 5-6 at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. Definition: The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Understanding Derivatives
I was always confused by the talk of Derivatives and such during the financial crisis. Here's a way to understand them that everybody can understand:
========================
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.
She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.
To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.
Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).
Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.
These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.
Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.
They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.
Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.
The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.
Now do you understand?
========================
Yep, and they actually did this with our home mortgages, didn't they?
========================
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.
She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.
To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.
Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).
Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit .
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.
These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.
Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.
They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.
Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.
The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.
Now do you understand?
========================
Yep, and they actually did this with our home mortgages, didn't they?
I Was Confused, now I'm clear
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
* Internal Revenue 'Service'
* U.S. Postal 'Service'
* Telephone 'Service'
* Cable TV 'Service'
* Civil 'Service'
* State, City, County & Public 'Service'
* Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service'a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
I would hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
* Internal Revenue 'Service'
* U.S. Postal 'Service'
* Telephone 'Service'
* Cable TV 'Service'
* Civil 'Service'
* State, City, County & Public 'Service'
* Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service'a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
I would hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
He was just driving down the road...
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye…..It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought…. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you my son?’
He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business…..’
‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN
SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT
YOU SINNER
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought…. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, ‘What may we do for you my son?’
He answers, ‘I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business…..’
‘Very well my son. Please follow me.’ He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, ‘Please knock on this door.’
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, ‘Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.’
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN
SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT
YOU SINNER
Friday, February 11, 2011
3 Men and a Genie in a Bottle
Three men (Farmer, Arab and Biker) are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Are You Demented?
Here's a dementia test -- let’s see how you do:
1. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
2. If you overtake the last person, then you are…? (scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
You’re not very good at this, are you?
3. Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 … Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Did you get 5000 ? The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you’ll get the last question right… Maybe.
4. Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course ! It isn’t . Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
5. A deaf-mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He just has to open his mouth and ask…It’s really very simple.
So… Are you demented?
1. You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don’t take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
2. If you overtake the last person, then you are…? (scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
You’re not very good at this, are you?
3. Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 … Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Did you get 5000 ? The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don’t believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you’ll get the last question right… Maybe.
4. Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course ! It isn’t . Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
5. A deaf-mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He just has to open his mouth and ask…It’s really very simple.
So… Are you demented?
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