Saturday, December 10, 2011

Why is Golf Better Than Sex?

From my email...

A top ten list...

10… A below par performance is considered damn good.

9…. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8…. It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.

7…. Foursomes are encouraged.

6…. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5…. Three times a day is possible.

4…. Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

3…. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

2…. You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..
1…. When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Thursday, December 08, 2011


This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is UP. It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP , and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. If you argue, you can kiss and make UP.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP . One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now . . . my time is UP !
Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

Friday, December 02, 2011

More English words that don't exist... but should!

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.