Saturday, July 21, 2012

Seven Dollar Sex!!

From my email...

A  sweet old couple, both well into their 70′s, go to a sex therapist’s office.

The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’

The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual  intercourse?’

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.  When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..’

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,  ‘I’m sorry, but I  have to ask.  Just what are you trying to find out?’

The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.   She’s married; so we can’t go to her house.  I’m  married; and we can’t go to my house.   The Holiday Inn  charges $98.  The Hilton charges $139.  We do  it here for $50, and  Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net  cost of $7. 

Don’t  you just love those Government Entitlement programs!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

My dog

From my email...

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.  
He can eat whenever he wants.  His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again 
during the year if any medical needs arise.  For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.  
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.  He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.  All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.  I think my dog is a member of Congress!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Shot in the head...

 Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and  while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.  Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with  the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.  He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

Monday, July 09, 2012

At the marriage counselor

 After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for marriage counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet Needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf."

Saturday, July 07, 2012

Who knew Viagra was a pain killer?

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give me a shot of Novocain.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles!" I said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and I object. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks me if have any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," I said. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

I said, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth.”

Friday, July 06, 2012

"Let him dig..."

 An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they didn't like each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that  he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Frozen windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"Computer completely f*cked now."

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Driving the Bus

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the  years. 

 A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and a few shots. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. 

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

Sunday, July 01, 2012

The jumper and the biker

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting.  You could be  famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

The authorities think she may have been pushed.