Only the Irish Have Jokes Like These!

From my email - thanks, Helen:

1)  Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,  Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.  His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,  His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp  

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.  " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.  "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,  "He couldn't do that to you,  He must have had something in his hand."  

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,  And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."  " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,  Didn't you have something in your hand?"  

That I did," said Paddy.  "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of 
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight"

 

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2)  An Irishman who had a little too much to drink 
Is driving home from the city one night and,  Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.  "So," says the cop to the driver,  Where have ya been?" 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"  Slurs the drunk.  

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite 
A few to drink this evening."  "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.  "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and  Folding his arms across his chest,  "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.  "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

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3)  Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,  When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.  "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.  "I've somethin' to tell ya".  

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."  "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." 

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus 
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.  Finally, she looked up at Tim.  "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat 
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.  Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,  He got out three times to pee"

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4)  Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after  His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.  He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"  She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.  My husband passed away last night."  

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "That he did, Father."  The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "  

She says, He said,  'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

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5)  ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,  Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.  The Priest coughs a few times to get his  Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.  

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.  The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,  there's no paper on this side either!"

Zen Teachings

From my email, thanks, Helen:

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.

Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.

Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.

In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.  No one is listening until you fart.

4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12.  Some days you are the dog,  some days you are the tree.

13.  Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14.  Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16.  There are two excellent theories for arguing with women.   Neither one works.

17.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19.  We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass.  Then things just keep getting worse.

20.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Worst Day of His Life

My friend Bill has the best jokes on Facebook:

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me." 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! 

"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Exam for Memory Loss

This test will keep that dreaded disease that affects your memory at bay!

New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

 Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below (in comments) ....