From THE CYNICAL PHILOSOPHER
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?”
♦ I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
♦I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
♦If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
♦A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
♦The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass,Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.
