Ten Years Ago I Was a Regular Person ...

I WAS A REGULAR PERSON

 I used to think I was just a regular person, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist & responsible for slavery.

I am a fiscal & moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist because I plan and support myself.

I went to HS, worked through college, got a degree and have held a job, & am here not because I earned it but because I was advantaged.

I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and ally of big business.

I am not a Muslim, which labels me as an infidel.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which makes me a member of the vast NRA gun lobby.

I am older than 65 and retired, making me a useless old man who doesn't understand Facebook.

I think and I reason, so I doubt what the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, making me a xenophobe.

I value my safety & that of my family, and I appreciate the police and the legal system, making me a right-wing, cop loving extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort - not freedom of outcome or subsidies which must make me a borderline sociopath.

I believe in the defense and protection of America for and by all citizens, now making me a militant.

I am proud of our flag, what it stands for, and the many who died to let it fly so I stand and salute during our National Anthem, taking me back where I started - I must be a racist.

Please help me come to terms with the new me because I'm just not sure who  I am anymore!

I thank my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new-found changes to my thinking!

I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly!

Funny - it all took place over the last 9 or 10 years!

If all this nonsense wasn't enough to deal with, now I don't even know which restroom to use, and I gotta go...........FREQUENTLY !!!!!!!!

On top of that  now I find out it is immoral  to be rich and someone in authority  needs to determine just how much you  should have.

Getting Old is Great...

GETTING OLD

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now. 
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 
Old age is coming at a really bad time. 
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation. 
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it." 
I don’t have gray hair; the very few hairs I have are "wisdom highlights"! 
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees. 
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet. 
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? 
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. 
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for. 
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and   my own car The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. 
Life is great. 
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names. 
Now, I’m wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

A Snowman's Ethnicity Estimate

Heh...

Offensive Christmas Songs?

Some persons are offended by the Christmas season song Baby it’s Cold Outside.

What about these Christmas songs?  Anyone else offended?

1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn.

2. The Christmas Song: Open fire?  Pollution. Folks dressed up like Eskimos? Cultural appropriation.

3. Holly Jolly Christmas: Kiss her once for me? Unwanted advances.

4. White Christmas: Racist.

5. Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom/stalker.

6. Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Everyone telling you be of good cheer? Forced to hide depression.

7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Bullying.

8. It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas: Forced gender-specific gifts: dolls for Janice and Jen and boots and pistols (GUNS!) for Barney and Ben.

9. Santa Baby: Gold digger, blackmail.

10. Frosty the Snowman: Sexist; not a snow woman.

11. Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired.

12. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas: Make the yuletide GAY? Wow, just wow.

13. Jingle Bell Rock: Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet: animal abuse.

14. Mistletoe and Holly: Overeating, folks stealing a kiss or two? How did this song ever see the light of day?

15. Winter Wonderland: Parson Brown demanding they get married: forced partnership.

16. Grandma got run over by a reindeer: elder abuse.

I'm not offended.  These are all my favorites!!!  Rock on...

Genealogical Command Center

From Twisted Twigs:

When did she come visit my genea-cave?

Best Thanksgiving TV Show Ever

Who can forget this WKRP episode?



Always makes me laugh!

Longest Password Ever?

Another one would be Snow White and the seven dwarfs plus another state capital.

The Prize Winner!

Helen has the best jokes - thank you Helen!

============================================

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so
she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report just by listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a fine specimen but, this morning, she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk
on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted
awards on the planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election: You can't always hear the bells.

(If you don’t send this on, you're chicken   ......   no yolk!)

Pumpkin Pi

A Cure for Global Swirling?

The Warren Family Tree

This pedigree chart puts Elizabeth Warren's native ancestry into perspective:

It could be one generation closer, of course, or one generation further. 

Bullies

Need a Better Mouse Trap...

Girl's Night Out

My friend Helen sends the best emails...I don't think this was a personal experience:

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out    Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.  

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.  

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded home.

The next day one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.   My wife came home with no panties!!' 

'That's nothing' said the other husband.  'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you.“

Two Americas in 2018

Best comic of the week:

Heh.

The Cynical Philosopher Thinks About These Things

From THE CYNICAL PHILOSOPHER

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?  
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 

 ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.    
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I  saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?” 
♦ I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named,  "Sag Harbor."
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos. 
♦Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
 ♦I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 ♦If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. 
 ♦A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
♦The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass,Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis and he stayed drunk.