Thursday, January 18, 2007

Aeronautical Humor

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ..I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan). ________________________________________

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.(Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. ________________________________________

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)________________________________________

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe ________________________________________

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. ________________________________________

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up,...the pilot dies. ________________________________________

Never trade luck for skill. ________________________________________

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Sh**!" ________________________________________

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. ________________________________________

Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. ________________________________________

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. ________________________________________

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is a prevarication. ________________________________________

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous. ________________________________________

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there! ________________________________________

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries ________________________________________

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it. ________________________________________

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible. ________________________________________

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot) ________________________________________

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut) ________________________________________

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot) ________________________________________

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)________________________________________

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. ________________________________________

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970). ________________________________________

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but surely someone who's been there) ________________________________________

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to. ________________________________________

Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

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