NFL Picks - Week 13

Week 12 was not a real good week for my picks - I was 11-5 in Week 12 picking winners (Las Vegas was 13-2-1), and I hit none of the 3 upsets I picked. I am 105-71 (59.7%) on the season.

My Chargers played well enough to beat Baltimore 32-14. I predicted Chargers 20-17 over the Ravens. The Bolts turned two turnovers into points and led at the half 22-7. The defense played better, and the passing game was excellent (no sacks, no turnovers, more completions), but the running game struggled against the Ravens defense. This week the Chargers go to Kansas City, who is 4-7 after being beaten by both Denver and Oakland in the last two weeks. They are like the Chargers - a decent defense with a suspect offense. The Chargers are favored by 5. My prediction is that it will be close game - I'll say Chargers 20-16 over the Chiefs.

Here are my week 13 picks (winners, home team denoted with an H):

Green Bay (10-1) over Dallas (10-1) (H)
San Diego (6-5) over Kansas City (H) (4-7)
St. Louis (2-9) (H) over Atlanta (3-8)
Washington (5-6) (H) over Buffalo (5-6)
Minnesota (5-6) (H) over Detroit (6-5)
Tennessee (H) (6-5) over Houston (5-6)
Jacksonville (8-3) over Indianapolis (9-2) (H)
Miami (0-11) (H) over NY Jets (2-9)
Seattle (7-4) over Philadelphia (5-6) (H)
San Francisco (3-8) over Carolina (4-7) (H)
Tampa Bay (7-4) over New Orleans (5-6) (H)
Cleveland (7-4) over Arizona (5-6) (H)
Denver (4-7) over Oakland (3-8) (H)
Chicago (5-6) (H) over NY Giants (7-4)
Pittsburgh (8-3) (H) over Cincinnati (4-7)
New England (11-0) over Baltimore (4-7) (H)

I've picked Green Bay (+7), Jacksonville (+7), Seattle (+3), San Francisco (+2.5), Tampa Bay (+3), and Chicago (+2.5) as upsets this week. I picked Miami and Cleveland in the pick-em games.

Here are my 32 team power ratings (my estimates based on won-lost record and point differential) after 12 weeks:

1. New England (11-0) .......... PR = 38
2. Green Bay (10-1) ................. PR = 31
3. Dallas (10-1) ........................ PR = 31
4. Indianapolis (9-2) ............ PR = 29
5. Jacksonville (8-3) ............. PR = 27

6. Pittsburgh (8-3) ................ PR = 26
7. Seattle (7-4) ..................... PR = 24
8. Tampa Bay (7-4) ............. PR = 24
9. Cleveland (7-4) ............... PR = 23
10. New York Giants (7-4) ..... PR = 22

11. Tennessee (6-5) ............. PR = 21
12. San Diego (6-5) .............. PR = 21
13. Philadelphia (5-6) ......... PR = 20
14. Washington (5-6) .......... PR = 20
15. Minnesota (5-6) ............ PR = 19

16. Arizona (5-6) ................. PR = 19
17. Chicago (5-6) ............... PR = 18
18. Denver (5-6) .................. PR = 18
19. New Orleans (5-6) ........ PR = 18
20. Buffalo (5-6) .................. PR = 18

21. Detroit (6-5) .................. PR = 18
22. Houston (5-6) ............... PR = 18
23. Baltimore (4-7) ............ PR = 17
24. Kansas City (4-7) ......... PR = 17
25. Carolina (4-7) .............. PR = 17

26. Cincinnati (4-7) ........... PR = 16
27. Atlanta (3-8) ................ PR = 13
28. Oakland (3-8) ............. PR = 13
29. San Francisco (3-8) .... PR = 12
30. St. Louis (2-9) ............. PR = 12

31. NY Jets (2-9) .............. PR = 11
32. Miami (0-11) .............. PR = 9

At Prison or Work?

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

@ PRISON You get three meals a day fully paid for
@ WORK You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON You get time off for good behavior
@ WORK You get more work for good behavior

@ PRISON The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

@ PRISON You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON You get your own toilet
@ WORK You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners, and welfare

@ PRISON You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK They are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

Can you Putt?

Here's a little time wasting game that is addictive, especially if you think you are the world's greatest putter.

Check it out at http://www.matchpractice.com:80/game/.

My high score was 6 straight putts made. It took awhile.

Tell me if you can beat my score.

Three things

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -

1. Time
2. Words
3. Opportunity

Three things in life that can destroy a person -

1. Anger
2. Pride
3. Unforgiveness

Three things in life that you should never lose-

1. Hope
2. Peace
3. Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable -

1. Love
2. Family & Friends
3. Kindness

Three things in life that are never certain -

1. Fortune
2. Success
3. Dreams

Three things that make a person -
1. Commitment
2. Sincerity
3. Hard work

Three things that are truly constant -

Father - Son - Holy Spirit

Don't talk to the parrot!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!

NFL Picks - Week 12

Week 11 was not a real good week for my picks - I was 10-6 in Week 11 picking winners (Las Vegas was 11-4-1), and I hit only 1 of the 3 upsets I picked. I am 94-66 (58.8%) on the season.

My Chargers played well enough to lose against Jacksonville. I predicted Jaguars 23-20 over the Chargers - it was 24-17. Jacksonville got up 17-3 in the first half and the Chargers outscored them in the second half 14-7. The Chargers offense was better, but had to play from behind and two Philip Rivers interceptions in the 4th quarter killed their chances. The Jaguars offense was able to move the ball on the ground and in the air.

This week the Chargers are home to Baltimore, a 4-6 team that has lost 4 straight and is a lot like the Chargers - a strong defense with a suspect offense. The Chargers are favored by 9. My prediction is that it will be close game - I'll say Chargers 20-17 over the Ravens.

Here are my week 12 picks (winners, home team denoted with an H):

Green Bay (9-1) over Detroit (6-4) (H)
Dallas (9-1) (H) over NY Jets (2-8)
Indianapolis (8-2) over Atlanta (3-7) (H)
Denver (5-5) over Chicago (4-6) (H)
Tennessee (6-4) over Cincinnati (3-7) (H)
Jacksonville (7-3) (H) over Buffalo (5-5)
Kansas City (4-6) (H) over Oakland (2-8)
Cleveland (6-4) (H) over Houston (5-5)
Seattle (6-4) over St. Louis (2-8) (H)
NY Giants (7-3) (H) over Minnesota (4-6)
New Orleans (4-6) over Carolina (4-6) (H)
Washington (5-5) over Tampa Bay (6-4) (H)
Arizona (5-5) (H) over San Francisco (2-8)
San Diego (5-5) (H) over Baltimore (4-6)
New England (10-0) (H) over Philadelphia (5-5)
Pittsburgh (7-3) (H) over Miami (0-10)

I've picked Denver (+2.5), Tennessee (pick) and Washington (+3.5) as upsets this week. I picked 9 home teams (Las Vegas picked 10 home teams with 1 pick-ems). The odds this week are pretty close to what I think will happen.

Here are my 32 team power ratings (my estimates based on won-lost record and point differential) after 10 weeks:

1. New England (10-0) .......... PR = 37
2. Green Bay (9-1) ................. PR = 31
3. Dallas (9-1) ........................ PR = 30
4. Indianapolis (8-2) ............ PR = 28
5. Pittsburgh (7-3) ................ PR = 26

6. Jacksonville (7-3) ............. PR = 25
7. New York Giants (7-3) ..... PR = 24
8. Seattle (6-4) ..................... PR = 23
9. Tampa Bay (6-4) ............. PR = 23
10. Tennessee (6-4) ............. PR = 22

11. Cleveland (6-4) ............... PR = 22
12. Philadelphia (5-5) ......... PR = 20
13. Washington (5-5) .......... PR = 20
14. San Diego (5-5) .............. PR = 20
15. Detroit (6-4) .................. PR = 20

16. Denver (5-5) .................. PR = 19
17. Arizona (5-5) ................. PR = 19
18. Buffalo (5-5) .................. PR = 18
19. Minnesota (4-6) ............ PR = 18
20. Houston (5-5) ............... PR = 18

21. New Orleans (4-6) ........ PR = 18
22. Baltimore (4-6) ............ PR = 17
23. Kansas City (4-6) ......... PR = 17
24. Chicago (4-6) ............... PR = 17
25. Carolina (4-6) .............. PR = 17

26. Cincinnati (3-7) ........... PR = 15
27. Atlanta (3-7) ................ PR = 14
28. St. Louis (2-8) ............. PR = 12
29. NY Jets (2-8) .............. PR = 12
30. Oakland (2-8) ............. PR = 12

31. San Francisco (2-8) .... PR = 10
32. Miami (0-10) .............. PR = 9

Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe

A recipe for a good time on Thanksgiving -

1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.

2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully. (see attached picture for details)

3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.

4. Watch your guests' faces...

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Have never a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Ronald Reagan's Last Words

I don't know whether or not you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you probably noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.


President Ronald Reagan, who never missed a chance for a good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said...



"I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together."

If you lived like a dog, you would...

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Being always grateful for each new day and for the blessing of you.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY

2,397,207,667,966,701

Cosmos Magazine has a fascinating story about a "mathlete" named Alexis Lemaire who can do extremely complex math problems in his head. For instance:

"NEW YORK: French "mathlete" Alexis Lemaire showed off his rare mental agility Thursday, claiming a new world record after working out in his head the 13th root of a random 200-digit number in just 72.4 seconds.

Lemaire, a 27-year-old doctoral student in artificial intelligence from Reims, near Paris, sat at a laptop computer that randomly selected the figure and displayed it on the screen. The number was so long it ran over 17 lines.

"Lemaire, who says he doesn't consider himself a nerd or a geek, then took just over a minute to identify two quadrillion, 397 trillion, 207 billion, 667 million, 966 thousand, 701 as the 13th root. In other words, the number multiplied by itself 13 times produces the 200 digit number originally generated by the computer."

Read the whole article.

Well now, how can you check this without knowing the 200-digit number? Even if you knew the 200-digit number, what computer would be able to do this mathematical feat in less than 72.4 seconds?

The comments on the forum where I saw this said:

* Wow. I use to tutor this kid...glad he FINALLY caught on.

* Lucky guess!

* the very same thing i do....only i just don’t blab it around a lot because see i don’t like to brag at all...

* See? He's got everybody fooled. Since most people don't have the means to check the answer, even if they knew the original 200-digit number. The correct answer is 2,397,207,667,966,747

* Chances of him using this trick to get a woman? 1 over 2,397,207,667,966,701

* How did he know how much is in my bank account???

* It’s the number of times your heart will beat in 60 million years.

* I thought it was 42.

NFL Picks - Week 11

Week 10 was a really poor week for my picks - I was 5-9 in Week 10 picking winners (Las Vegas was 7-4-3), and I hit only 2 of the 6 upsets I picked. I am 84-60 (58%) on the season.

My Chargers really lucked out against Indianapolis last week - I predicted Colts 37-27, and it ended Chargers 23-21. The Chargers special teams scored two TDs and the defense held the Colts ground game down and picked Manning 6 times. The Chargers offense was pathetic again - poor run blocking and pass protection resulted in too many punts, plus 3 turnovers including an end zone fumble. The Colts offense outscored the Chargers offense 15-10, but it's a team game. This week the Chargers travel to Jacksonville. The Jaguars have their QB back and a decent offense and defense. My prediction is a Jaguars win - 23-20.

Here are my week 11 picks (winners, home team denoted with an H):

Jacksonville (6-3) (H) over San Diego (5-4)
Indianapolis (7-2) (H) over Kansas City (4-5)
Minnesota (3-6) (H) over Oakland (2-7)
Baltimore (4-5) (H) over Cleveland (5-4)
Pittsburgh (7-2) over NY Jets (1-8) (H)
Tampa Bay (5-4) over Atlanta (3-6) (H)
Cincinnati (3-6) (H) over Arizona (4-5)
Philadelphia (4-5) (H) over Miami (0-9)
New England (9-0) over Buffalo (5-4) (H)
Dallas (8-1) (H) over Washington (5-4)
New Orleans (4-5) over Houston (4-5) (H)
Green Bay (8-1) (H) over Carolina (4-5)
Detroit (6-3) (H) over NY Giants (6-3)
St. Louis (1-8) over San Francisco (2-7) (H)
Seattle (5-4) (H) over Chicago (4-5)
Tennessee (6-3) over Denver (4-5) (H)

I've picked Baltimore (+2.5), St. Louis (+0) and Tennessee (+2) as upsets this week. I picked 10 home teams (Las Vegas picked 9 home teams with 3 pick-ems). The odds this week are pretty close to what I think will happen.

Here are my 32 team power ratings (my estimates) after 10 weeks:

1. New England (9-0) ........... PR = 36
2. Dallas (8-1) ....................... PR = 29
3. Indianapolis (7-2) ............ PR = 29
4. Green Bay (8-1) ................ PR = 28
5. Pittsburgh (7-2) ............... PR = 26

6. New York Giants (6-3) ..... PR = 23
7. Tennessee (6-3) ................. PR = 23
8. Jacksonville (6-3) ............. PR = 22
9. Detroit (6-3) ..................... PR = 22
10. Washington (5-4) ........... PR = 21

11. Seattle (5-4) ................... PR = 21
12. Tampa Bay (5-4) ............ PR = 21
13. Cleveland (5-4) ............... PR = 21
14. San Diego (5-4) ............. PR = 21
15. New Orleans (4-5) ......... PR = 20

16. Philadelphia (4-5) ......... PR = 19
17. Buffalo (5-4) .................. PR = 19
18. Minnesota (3-6) ............ PR = 19
19. Kansas City (4-5) .......... PR = 19
20. Baltimore (4-5) ............ PR = 19

21. Chicago (4-5) ................ PR = 18
22. Carolina (4-5) ............... PR = 17
23. Arizona (4-5) ................ PR = 17
24. Cincinnati (3-6) ........... PR = 17
25. Denver (4-5) ................. PR = 17

26. Houston (4-5) .............. PR = 16
27. Atlanta (3-6) ................ PR = 14
28. St. Louis (1-8) .............. PR = 12
29. Oakland (2-7) .............. PR = 12
30. San Francisco (2-7) .... PR = 10

31. NY Jets (1-8) ................ PR = 10
32. Miami (0-9) ................ PR = 10

What do you think? Who should be ranked higher or lower? Should I make my picks based on my subjective power ratings?

Bill Gates' Rules

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Grandkids

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
-------------------------
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
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I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
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When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm four to six."
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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
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Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when the "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. (Paul Lynde) If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. (Charley Weaver) Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. (George Gobel) Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. (Don Knotts) That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. (Rose Marie) No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. (Charley Weaver) My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. (Vincent Price) No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. (George Gobel) I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. (Rose Marie) You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. (Paul Lynde) Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. (Charley Weaver) Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. (Rose Marie) Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. (Paul Lynde) Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. (Rose Marie) Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. (Marty Allen) Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. (Paul Lynde) Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. (Paul Lynde) Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. (Charley Weaver) It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. (Paul Lynde) Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. (George Gobel) Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. (Paul Lynde) Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. (Charley Weaver) I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. (Charley Weaver) His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. (Paul Lynde) Point and laugh.

Reflections on Life

I got this from an email correspondent, and wanted to share it:

REFLECTIONS
Author unknown (but insightful!)
(played with "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?" music in the email):

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing of years.

It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate.

And yet, in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went.

I know that I lived them all..... and I have glimpses of how it was back then, and of all my hopes and dreams.....but, here it is.....the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise.... how did I get here so fast?

Where did the years go and where did my babies go? And, where did my youth go? I remember well...... seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it, or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is.....the wife retired and she's really getting gray..... she moves slower and I see an older woman now. She's in better shape than me..... but, I see the great change. Not the one I married who was young and vibrant... but, like me, her age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore.....it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will..... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things. I know that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last, and when it's over.....it's over!

Yes, I have regrets.There are things I wish I hadn't done..... things I wish I had done.

But, indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.... So, if you're not in your winter yet...... let me remind you.....it will be here faster than you think! So........ whatever you would like to accomplish in your life..... please do it quickly! Life goes by quickly.

So.....so do what you can today, because you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life....live for good today and, say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember.......

"Life is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who came after. Make it a fantastic one!"

LIVE IT WELL!!

NFL Picks - Week 10

Week 9 was another average week for my picks - I was 8-6 in Week 9 picking winners (Las Vegas was 9-5), and hit only 2 of the 6 upsets I picked. I am 79-51 (61%) on the season.

My Chargers flopped against Minnesota last week - I predicted Chargers 27-13. It was Chargers leading 14-7 at the half. Then the Vikings outscored the Bolts 28-3 in the second half, with Adrian Peterson gaining 296 yards in the game. Ouch.

This week, the Bolts are home at 5:15 PM on NBC to the Indianapolis Colts who are 7-1 on the season. The Colts lost in the last minute to the Patriots and have played well the last five games. They run well, they pass well, they play defense well. That's the Colts, not the Bolts. My prediction is a Colts win - 37-27.

Here are my week 10 picks (winners, home team denoted with an H):

Indianapolis (7-1) over San Diego (4-4) (H)
Tennessee (6-2) (H) over Jacksonville (5-3)
Kansas City (4-4) (H) over Denver (3-5)
Miami (0-8) (H) over Buffalo (4-4)
Pittsburgh (6-2) (H) over Cleveland (5-3) (H)

New Orleans (4-4) (H) over St. Louis (0-8)
Atlanta (2-6) over Carolina (4-4) (H)
Washington (5-3) (H) over Philadelphia (3-5)
Minnesota (3-5) over Green Bay (7-1) (H)
Cincinnati (2-6) over Baltimore (4-4) (H)

Chicago (3-5) over Oakland (2-6) (H)
New York Giants (6-2) (H) over Dallas (6-2)
Detroit (6-2) over Arizona (3-5) (H)
Seattle (4-4) (H) over San Francisco (2-6)

I picked Miami (+3), Atlanta (+4.5), Minnesota (+6.5), Cincinnati (+4.5), NY Giants (+1.5) and Detroit (+1) as upsets. I picked 7 home teams (Las Vegas picked 7 home teams with 3 pick-ems). Why is Arizona favored over Detroit? Why is KC (H) and Denver a pick-em game? Why is Washington (H) and Philly a pick-em game? Why is Tennessee (H) and Jacksonville a pick-em game?

Here are my 32 team power ratings (my estimates) after 9 weeks:

1. New England (9-0) ............ PR = 36
2. Indianapolis (7-1) .............. PR = 30
3. Dallas (7-1) ......................... PR = 29
4. Green Bay (7-1) ................. PR = 27
5. Pittsburgh (6-2) ............... PR = 26

6. New York Giants (6-2) .... PR = 25
7. Detroit (6-2) .................... PR = 24
8. Tennessee (6-2) ................ PR = 24
9. Washington (5-3) ............. PR = 23
10. New Orleans (4-4) .......... PR = 22

11. Tampa Bay (5-4) .............. PR = 21
12. Cleveland (5-3) ................ PR = 21
13. Minnesota (3-5) ............. PR = 20
14. Jacksonville (5-3) ............ PR = 20
15. Kansas City (4-4) ............ PR = 20

16. San Diego (4-4) .............. PR = 20
17. Baltimore (4-4) .............. PR = 20
18. Seattle (4-4) ................... PR = 20
19. Buffalo (4-4) .................. PR = 19
20. Carolina (4-4) ................ PR = 18

21. Philadelphia (3-5) .......... PR = 17
22. Chicago (3-5) ................. PR = 17
23. Arizona (3-5) .................. PR = 16
24. Houston (4-5) ................ PR = 16
25. Cincinnati (2-6) ............. PR = 15

26. Denver (3-5) ................... PR = 15
27. Atlanta (2-6) .................. PR = 13
28. Oakland (2-6) ................ PR = 13
29. San Francisco (2-6) ...... PR = 11
30. NY Jets (1-8) ................. PR = 10

31. St. Louis (0-8) ................ PR = 10
32. Miami (0-8) ................... PR = 9

What do you think? Who should be ranked higher or lower? Should I make my picks based on my subjective power ratings?

Is Microsoft Vista for you?

I'm still using Microsoft Windows XP - not Windows Vista, or Linux.

Here is a funny (if you're not using Vista, or are not a Microsoft fan) video about using Microsoft Vista - http://blip.tv:80/file/340692.

Warning - don't click if you're offended by the 7 words not used on broadcast media.

If you are a Vista user, I'm interested in how accurate this is!

Ridiculous Laws

Neal Boortz has a nice list today of ridiculous laws passed by governments. They include:

Here's a look at Britain's most ridiculous laws:

** It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
** It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down
** It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
** Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned
** If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and asks to use your toilet, you are required to let them enter
** In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet
** The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
** It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing
** It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armor
** It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

And the British also took the time to vote on their favorite asinine laws from other countries. I am proud to say that the US had 4 out of the 9 laws.

** In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
** In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation. (Which head?)
** A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror
** In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm. I think this has something to do with leaving the seat up.
** It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama
** In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed
** Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
** In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits
** In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon

Perks of being over age 50

There are benefits to being over the age of 50, like:

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses or chocolate.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Forward this to everyone you can remember.

Dogs Just Know!

Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even twenty miles away?

Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia, dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

Do you know that dogs can detect cancer and other serious illnesses and danger of fire?

Somehow they always know when they can "go for a ride" before you even ask and how do those dogs and cats get home from hundreds of miles away?

I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance. Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right.. when impending doom is upon us..

Need a laugh? Check out Elwin's Humor

My genea-blogging friend Janice on her Cow Hampshire blog posted an article by J. Elwin Sherman and I checked out his web site. This guy is a great humor writer.

His web site is at http://www.elwinshumor.com/. There are links to 10 columns there, many of them excellent.

He also has columns posted at http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/viewByAuthor.asp?authorID=585.

My favorite articles so far are:

* The Puppy Bath - How To Shampoo a New Dog

* A Woman's Sleight of Handyman - The Magic Sex

* If YouTube on MySpace, You'll Find Their Internet

Go ahead - laugh. It feels good. Now where was I?