Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Parent's Want-Ad


* Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma,
* Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop


* Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.

* Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

* Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

* Travel expenses not reimbursed.

* Extensive courier duties also required.


* The rest of your life.

* Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

* Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

* Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat

* Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

* Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

* Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

* Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

* Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

* Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

* Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

* Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.


* None.

* Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.


* None required, unfortunately.

* On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.


* Get this! You pay them!

* Offering frequent raises and bonuses

* A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

* When you die, you give them whatever is left.

* The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.


* While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered;

* Limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life, if you play your cards right.


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