Thursday, March 05, 2009

Divorce Agreement?

Funny how I've been thinking hard about this too - I'm glad someone wrote it down:

Dear Liberal Friends:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that it's time to part. Yes, we need to Divorce. I know, we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but, sadly, our relationship has run its course. Our two ideologies have become too far apart to peacefully co-exist anymore. We just cannot, and will not ever agree on what is best for the country, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile, shake hands, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our own ways. Here is a Draft Proposal for our separation agreement:

We equitably divide up the country into two equal landmasses. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure we can come to a friendly agreement. In the spirit of cooperation, you can have California, NYC and Lower NY State, Eastern PA, DC, South FL and Miami, Chicago, Detroit and all of New England for starters. After that it should be relatively easy to divvy up the rest. You can set taxes just as high as you want---take it all in fact! We'll probably keep ours real low to encourage individual enterprise. You are welcome to keep all the liberal judges, ACORN, ACT UP, the NAACP, and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll be happy to keep our firearms, the NRA, and all of the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. We'll keep capitalism, corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved green ecofriendly nonsense schemes, the homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, non Ivy League graduates, and rednecks.

You can keep Pelosi, Reid, Frank, Dodd, Boxer, Waters, the Clintons, and all of the Kennedy tribe. You can also have ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and Hollywood .. You can make nice with Al Qaida, the Taliban, Hamas, Iran, North Korea, Hugo Chavez and all the other organizations, countries, and people who want to annihilate you. You can also have all the peaceniks, and war protesters. We'll retain the right to invade and hammer any country, organization or individual that threatens us. When our allies are under assault, we'll help provide them security. You can have the U.N.

You are also welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. We'll probably stick mostly with the same old Judeo-Christian beliefs.

Knowing your concerns about human impacts on the environment, in your part of the country you can overcome the problem of excess population by outlawing heterosexual marriages. We'll just go on letting men and women marry indiscriminately. We'll keep the pigs, chickens, goats and cattle since you don’t like meat anyway. You can have ALL the tofu, seaweed, algae, lentils, and soy messes you adore. We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon, Prius, and hybrid vehicle you can find-and your recumbent bicycles. You will be able to give everyone in your part of the country healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors who want to live there . We'll keep the Star Spangled Banner. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kumbaya, or We Are the World.

And since it often so offends you, we'll keep the flag. We'll practice "trickle down" economics, and you can give socialism and trickle up poverty your best shot. But remember: We will no longer be contributing toward paying your bills. If you will agree to this draft settlement please pass it along to other like-minded liberals, and let's get started on an amicable divorce ASAP!!!!!!!!!

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you 50 offshore drilling rigs which one of us will need whose help in 5 years.

P.S. Almost forgot, please take Woody Allen, Alec Baldwin, Barbara Streisand, Susan Sarandon & Jane Fonda.

1 comment:

Becky Jamison said...

My husband and I agree with you (this) 100%. Divorce time is way overdue! Thanks for sharing this Randy.