Why is Golf Better Than Sex?

From my email...

A top ten list...

10… A below par performance is considered damn good.

9…. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.

8…. It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.

7…. Foursomes are encouraged.

6…. You can still make money doing it as a senior.

5…. Three times a day is possible.

4…. Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

3…. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

2…. You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..
1…. When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

UP

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP‘. It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It’s easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP , and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. If you argue, you can kiss and make UP.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP . One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP , for now . . . my time is UP !
Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
U
P !

More English words that don't exist... but should!

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

The Crabby Old Man

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in Grass Valley CA. It was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. 

The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

The Crabby Old Man...

What do you see nurses? . . ... . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . When you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . .. . . . Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .... . . . . With faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . .. . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice .. .. . .... . The things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . .. . .. . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . .... . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . .. . You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . .... . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . .. . As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . .. . . .. With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . .. ... .. Who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. With wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . ... A lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . .. My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . That I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . .... . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other .. . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . ... . . Have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . To see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children .. . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . Shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . .... . . . Young of their own.
And I think of the years .. . . .. . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . ..... And nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . . Look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . Grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . My battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . ... . Life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . ... Gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . .. . . That nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . ... . Open and see.
Not a crabby old man . ... . . Look closer . .. . See ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Some Great Truths

From my email (thanks, Helen!):

1.  In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress.

-- John Adams

2.  If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.

-- Mark Twain

3.  Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

-- Mark Twain

4.  I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

-- Winston Churchill

5.  A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

-- George Bernard Shaw

6.  A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

-- G. Gordon Liddy

7.  Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

-- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8.  Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

-- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9.  Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10.  Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

-- Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

11.  Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

-- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12.  I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-- Will Rogers

13.  If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!

-- P.J. O'Rourke

14.  In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

-- Voltaire (1764)

15.  Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!

-- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16.  No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

-- Mark Twain (1866)

17.  Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.

-- Anonymous

18.  The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

-- Ronald Reagan

19.  The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

-- Winston Churchill

20.  The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

-- Mark Twain

21.  The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22.  There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.

-- Mark Twain

23.  What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

-- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24.  A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

-- Thomas Jefferson

25.  We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

-- Aesop

FIVE BEST SENTENCES

1.  You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity, by legislating the wealth out of prosperity.

2.  What one person receives without working for...another person must work for without receiving.

3.  The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4.  You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5.  When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

 

Older women are great!

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ....... "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

"Now ... I have a $500,000 home, a $35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.                    

Grandparent's Answering Machine

from my email, thanks, Ruth!

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep.. beeeeeppp ...

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 7 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here  tonight, press 5

If you  want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

An Easy-peasy Quiz

From my email:

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President’s Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in second place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

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Answers:

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name? 

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera (or a cell phone) to take pictures.

8. What was the President’s Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come on ....]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in second place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in second.. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

=====================

How many did you get right before you saw the answers?

It Could Happen to any of us...

From my email...

 

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

Helping the Homeless

...
From my email...

A man was walking down the street when he was stopped by a particularly dirty, shabby looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for some dinner.

The man took out his wallet, removed ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money will you buy beer with it, instead of dinner:”

”No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

”Will you use it go go fishing instead of buying food?”, the man asked.
 ”No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said, “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

”Will you spend this on green fees at a Golf course, instead of food?’, the man asked.

”Are you nuts!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

”Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district, instead of food?”, once again the man asked.

”What and get a disease for ten lousy bucks?”, exclaimed the homeless man.

”Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded.

”Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?. I know I’m dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The man replied, “That’s okay, it’s important for her to see what a man looks like, after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex!”

Cucumbers!

From my Email...

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few cucumber slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.

5.  Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the photochemical in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!

6.. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber will react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown to reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the photochemical will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel? Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but it won't leave streaks and won't harm your fingers or fingernails while you clean.                                

13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!

Obama Bingo Game

The Obama Bingo Game. Try it the next time you hear the President speak... it will keep you awake. 

                 

Please follow the rules before watching.  I used to avoid listening to his speeches.  Now, I look forward to the next one.

Here is something to help make Obama's speeches almost tolerable. Just print out this page, distribute it to friends, and listen (be sure to read directions at the bottom)

Rules for Bullshit Bingo:

1. Before Barack Obama's next televised speech, print your "Bullshit Bingo"

2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Ice Cream is good for the soul...

From my email...

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is great and God is Good. Let us thank Him for the food, and I would even thank you more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!”

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!”

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? is God mad at me?” As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.” “Really?” my son asked. “Cross my heart.”

Then in theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes and my soul is good already.” ~Author Unknown

Mrs. Geezer loves this story. After reading it she told me that I should learn to 'chill out' and eat a little more ice cream. I wonder what she meant by that? Oh well... I think I'll take a break and go have a bowl of ice cream. My favorite flavor is chocolate chip. What yours?

The green thing

From my email (thanks, Helen):

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”

The clerk responded, ” That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment.”

He was right — our generation didn’t have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn’t have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because we didn’t have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right; we didn’t have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she’s right; we didn’t have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 20,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn’t it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn’t have the green thing back then?

How the Internet Began

From my email...

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load - but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures: Hebrew To The People (HTTP). But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

Lo, Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others!" And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known, he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything(GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

Trivia

From my email, thanks Helen:

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!
 
People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.
 
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
 
Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.
 
Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
  
The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!
 
Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.
 
The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.
  
Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros
 
It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years
 
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
 
Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.
  
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
 
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
 
The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
 
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent
 
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F
  
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
 
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man
 
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density
   
The University of Alaska spans four time zones
 
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
 
In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.  Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
 
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
 
A comet's tail always points away from the sun
 
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent
 
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers - that is why it is found in some medicines.
 
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
 
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
 
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight

  
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed
 
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside
 
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year
 
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust
 
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters
 
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy
 
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down
    
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator
 
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off
 
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

And last but  not least: In 2011,  July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years! 

Paraprosdakians

Cousin Bonnie contributed this:

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."  "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy! 

 1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom:  "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."  ~ Jon Hammond

Fire the Cattle Guards?

From my email (thanks, Stan!):

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.  

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado. The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that... before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining for Arizona border guards. 'Times are hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!'   

And these two guys are running our country, OMG!

Snopes says that this is false - the joke has been around for many years.

Wal-Mart

 1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour of every day.
  
 2.  This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
  
 3.  Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
  
 4.  Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart  combined.
 
 5.  Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world's largest private employer, and most speak English.
  
 6.  Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.
  
 7.  Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.
  
 8.  During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

  9.  Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
  
 10.  Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of  which 2,906 are Super Centers; this is  1,000 more than it had five years ago.
  
 11.  This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will    occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)
  
 12.  90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart.
  
 13.  Wal-Mart has gross sales that total more than the total revenue of all the countries in the world, except 6.
  
You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy. 

The Merits of a Mistress

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress.   My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”

Some useful conversions...

From  my email, thanks Lee!

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric system, including all its Newton’s, Joules and Watts, here are some other useful conversions:

• Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to it diameter: Eskimo Pi
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won Ton
• 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: 1 Knot-furlong
• 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year
• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
• Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
• 1 million aches: 1 megahurts
• Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
• Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
• 454 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
• 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
• 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
• 2000 mockingbirds: Two kilomockingbirds
• 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
• 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
• 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
• 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
• 100 rations: 1 c-ration
• 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
• 10 rations: 1 decoration
• 365.25 days: 1 unicycle
• 10 cards: 1 decacards
• 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yal University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
• 100 Senators: Not 1 decision

STC - Senior Texting Codes

From my email - thanks, Bob:

Because more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code.)

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Fell

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL!: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor  
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder--
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?

GGLKI !!! : Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In !!!