December 1-- Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 -- Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 -- Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 -- Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 -- Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 -- Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 -- Debug WindowsNT.
December 10 -- Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 -- Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 -- Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 -- Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 -- Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 -- Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 -- Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 -- Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 -- Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 -- Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 -- Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 -- Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 -- Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 -- Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26 -- Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 -- Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31 -- New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
How Angels Came to be Atop the Tree
Santa Claus was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.
The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.
The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.
To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........
Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies.
The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys.
The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.
To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. “I can’t believe it! I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree!
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn’t even back yet! What am I going to do?”
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says “Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?”
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........
Thursday, December 04, 2008
NFL Picks - Week 14
Week 13 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 11-3-2 in week 13 picking winners (109-64-5 on the year), while Las Vegas was 11-5 picking winners in week 13 (125-62-5 on the year).
Here are my picks for Week 14 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):
THURSDAY, 4 December:
Oakland (3-9) (+9) at San Diego (4-8): San Diego by 7
SUNDAY, 7 December:
Cincinnati (1-10-1) (+13.5) at Indianapolis: Indianapolis by 19
Jacksonville (4-8) (+6.5) at Chicago (6-6): Chicago by 8
Houston (5-7) (+6) at Green Bay (5-7): Green Bay by 4
Cleveland (4-8) (+13.5) at Tennessee (11-1): Tennessee by 20
Minnesota (7-5) (-7) at Detroit (0-12): Minnesota by 14
Washington (7-5) (+5) at Baltimore (8-4): Baltimore by 7
Philadelphia (6-5-1) (+7) at New York Giants (11-1): New York Giants by 12.5
Atlanta (8-4) (+3) at New Orleans (6-6): Atlanta by 1.5
New York Jets (8-4) (-4) at San Francisco (4-8): New York Jets by 7.5
Miami (7-5) (+1) vs. Buffalo (6-6) at Toronto: Buffalo by 1.5
Kansas City (2-10) (+9) at Denver (7-5): Denver by 15
St. Louis (2-10) (+14) at Arizona (7-5): Arizona by 18
Dallas (8-4) (+3) at Pittsburgh (9-3): Pittsburgh by 6.5
New England (7-5) (-5.5) at Seattle (2-10): New England by 14
MONDAY, 8 December:
Tampa Bay (9-3) (+3) at Carolina (9-3): Carolina by 2.5
I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are Dallas over Pittsburgh, Miami over Buffalo, and Tampa Bay over Carolina. Teams in a must-win situation are Denver, San Diego, New England, Miami, Baltimore, Dallas, Philadelphia, Chicago, Minnesota, Atlanta, and Washington.
Here are my NFL power ratings after 13 weeks:
1. New York Giants (11-1) -- 33.0
2. Tennessee Titans (10-1) -- 32.8
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3) -- 28.1
4. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-3) -- 27.7
5. Carolina Panthers (9-3) -- 27.1
6. Baltimore Ravens (8-4) -- 26.1
7. New York Jets (8-4) -- 25.5
8. Atlanta Falcons (8-4) -- 25.0
9. Dallas Cowboys (8-4) -- 24.7
10. Indianapolis Colts (8-4) -- 24.1
11. Philadelphia Eagles (6-5-1) -- 23.5
12. Minnesota Vikings (7-5) -- 22.6
13. Arizona Cardinals (7-5) -- 22.5
14. New England Patriots (7-5) -- 22.3
15. Miami Dolphins (7-5) -- 21.9
16. Washington Redskins (7-5) -- 21.7
17. Denver Broncos (7-5) - 21.4
18. New Orleans Saints (6-6) -- 20.7
19. Buffalo Bills (6-6) -- 20.4
20. Chicago Bears (6-6) -- 20.3
21. Green Bay Packers (5-7) -- 18.8
22. Houston Texans (5-7) -- 17.2
23. San Diego Chargers (4-8) -- 16.3
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8) -- 15.4
25. Cleveland Browns (4-8) -- 15.3
26. San Francisco 49ers (4-8) -- 14.9
27. Oakland Raiders (3-9) -- 12.1
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-10) -- 11.1
29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-10) -- 9.4
30. St. Louis Rams (2-10) -- 7.8
31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-10-1) -- 7.7
32. Detroit Lions (0-12) -- 6.0
I predicted the Falcons win over the Chargers, even though my Power Ratings said the Chargers would win. My Chargers played terrible on offense, unable to run effectively, and unable to pass downfield. The defense couldn't stop the Falcons at critical times. One more loss and the Bolts probably don't make the playoffs (I said that the last two weeks too). Now the Raiders come to town, and this game concerns me. The Chargers beat them 28-18 in Oakland earlier, but had to come from 15-0 behind. My Power Ratings say Chargers by all 7, I think they will win 20-17, probably in the last minute.
Here are my picks for Week 14 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):
THURSDAY, 4 December:
Oakland (3-9) (+9) at San Diego (4-8): San Diego by 7
SUNDAY, 7 December:
Cincinnati (1-10-1) (+13.5) at Indianapolis: Indianapolis by 19
Jacksonville (4-8) (+6.5) at Chicago (6-6): Chicago by 8
Houston (5-7) (+6) at Green Bay (5-7): Green Bay by 4
Cleveland (4-8) (+13.5) at Tennessee (11-1): Tennessee by 20
Minnesota (7-5) (-7) at Detroit (0-12): Minnesota by 14
Washington (7-5) (+5) at Baltimore (8-4): Baltimore by 7
Philadelphia (6-5-1) (+7) at New York Giants (11-1): New York Giants by 12.5
Atlanta (8-4) (+3) at New Orleans (6-6): Atlanta by 1.5
New York Jets (8-4) (-4) at San Francisco (4-8): New York Jets by 7.5
Miami (7-5) (+1) vs. Buffalo (6-6) at Toronto: Buffalo by 1.5
Kansas City (2-10) (+9) at Denver (7-5): Denver by 15
St. Louis (2-10) (+14) at Arizona (7-5): Arizona by 18
Dallas (8-4) (+3) at Pittsburgh (9-3): Pittsburgh by 6.5
New England (7-5) (-5.5) at Seattle (2-10): New England by 14
MONDAY, 8 December:
Tampa Bay (9-3) (+3) at Carolina (9-3): Carolina by 2.5
I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are Dallas over Pittsburgh, Miami over Buffalo, and Tampa Bay over Carolina. Teams in a must-win situation are Denver, San Diego, New England, Miami, Baltimore, Dallas, Philadelphia, Chicago, Minnesota, Atlanta, and Washington.
Here are my NFL power ratings after 13 weeks:
1. New York Giants (11-1) -- 33.0
2. Tennessee Titans (10-1) -- 32.8
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3) -- 28.1
4. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-3) -- 27.7
5. Carolina Panthers (9-3) -- 27.1
6. Baltimore Ravens (8-4) -- 26.1
7. New York Jets (8-4) -- 25.5
8. Atlanta Falcons (8-4) -- 25.0
9. Dallas Cowboys (8-4) -- 24.7
10. Indianapolis Colts (8-4) -- 24.1
11. Philadelphia Eagles (6-5-1) -- 23.5
12. Minnesota Vikings (7-5) -- 22.6
13. Arizona Cardinals (7-5) -- 22.5
14. New England Patriots (7-5) -- 22.3
15. Miami Dolphins (7-5) -- 21.9
16. Washington Redskins (7-5) -- 21.7
17. Denver Broncos (7-5) - 21.4
18. New Orleans Saints (6-6) -- 20.7
19. Buffalo Bills (6-6) -- 20.4
20. Chicago Bears (6-6) -- 20.3
21. Green Bay Packers (5-7) -- 18.8
22. Houston Texans (5-7) -- 17.2
23. San Diego Chargers (4-8) -- 16.3
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8) -- 15.4
25. Cleveland Browns (4-8) -- 15.3
26. San Francisco 49ers (4-8) -- 14.9
27. Oakland Raiders (3-9) -- 12.1
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-10) -- 11.1
29. Kansas City Chiefs (2-10) -- 9.4
30. St. Louis Rams (2-10) -- 7.8
31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-10-1) -- 7.7
32. Detroit Lions (0-12) -- 6.0
I predicted the Falcons win over the Chargers, even though my Power Ratings said the Chargers would win. My Chargers played terrible on offense, unable to run effectively, and unable to pass downfield. The defense couldn't stop the Falcons at critical times. One more loss and the Bolts probably don't make the playoffs (I said that the last two weeks too). Now the Raiders come to town, and this game concerns me. The Chargers beat them 28-18 in Oakland earlier, but had to come from 15-0 behind. My Power Ratings say Chargers by all 7, I think they will win 20-17, probably in the last minute.
The leather dress
When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker; and his throat gets dry; he goes weak in the knees; and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new truck.
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle --------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ----- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV - Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling - there ya Gogh. . . !
The brother who ate prunes------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle --------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ----- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV - Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling - there ya Gogh. . . !
Global Hawk
This is a photo of the Global Hawk UAV that returned from the war zone recently under its own power. ( Iraq to Edwards AFB in CA) - Not transported via C5 or C17..... Notice the mission paintings on the fuselage. It's actually over 250 missions.... (And I would suppose 25 air medals).
That's a long way for a remotely-piloted aircraft. Think of the technology (and the required quality of the data link to fly it remotely). Not only that but the pilot controlled it from a nice warm control panel at Edwards AFB. Really long legs- can stay up for almost 2 days at altitudes above 60k.
The Global Hawk was controlled via satellite; it flew missions during OT&E that went from Edwards AFB to upper Alaska and back non-stop. Basically, they come into the fight at a high Mach number in mil thrust, fire their AMRAAMS, and no one ever sees them or paints them with radar. There is practically no radio chatter because all the guys in the flight are tied together electronically, and can see who is targeting who, and they have AWACS direct input and 360 situational awareness from that and other sensors. The aggressors had a morale problem before it was all over.
It is to air superiority what the jet engine was to aviation. It can taxi, take off, fly a mission, return, land and taxi on it's own. No blackouts, no fatigue, no relief tubes, no ejection seats, and best of all, no dead pilots and no POWs.
Pretty cool, huh?
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
NFL Picks - Week 13
Week 12 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 9-6-1 in week 12 picking winners (98-61 -3 on the year), while Las Vegas was 10-6 picking winners in week 12 (114-57-5 on the year).
Here are my picks for Week 13 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):
THURSDAY, 27 November:
Tennessee (10-1) (-11) at Detroit (0-11): Tennessee by 22
Seattle (2-9) (+12.5) at Dallas (7-4): Dallas by 15
Arizona (7-4) (+3) at Philadelphia (5-5-1): even
SUNDAY, 30 November:
Denver (6-5) (+7.5) at New York Jets (8-3): New York Jets by 10
San Francisco (3-8) (+7) at Buffalo (6-5): Buffalo by 10
New Orleans (6-5) (+3.5) at Tampa Bay (8-3): Tampa Bay by 8
Carolina (7-4) (+3) at Green Bay (5-6): Carolina by 3
New York Giants (10-1) (-3.5) at Washington (7-4): New York Giants by 6
Miami (6-5) (-6) at St. Louis (2-9): Miami by 10
Baltimore (7-4) (-7) at Cincinnati (1-9-1): Baltimore by 13
Indianapolis (7-4) (-4.5) at Cleveland (4-7): Indianapolis by 4
Pittsburgh (8-3) (+1) at New England (7-4): even
Kansas City (1-10) (+3) at Oakland (3-8): Oakland by 8
Atlanta (7-4) (+5) at San Diego (4-7): Atlanta by 3
Chicago (6-5) (+3) at Minnesota (6-5): Minnesota by 3
MONDAY, 1 December:
Jacksonville (4-7) (+3.5) at Houston (4-7): Houston by 2
I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are New Orleans over Tampa Bay, Chicago over Minnesota, and Pittsburgh over New England. Teams in a must-win situation are San Diego, Green Bay, Philadelphia, Buffalo and Miami.
Here are my NFL power ratings after 12 weeks:
1. New York Giants (10-1) -- 32
2. Tennessee Titans (10-1) -- 31
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3) -- 27
4. Tampa Bay Bucs (8-3) -- 27
5. New York Jets (8-3) -- 27
6. Carolina Panthers (8-3) -- 26
7. Baltimore Ravens (7-4) -- 25
8. Arizona Cardinals (7-4) -- 24
9. Atlanta Falcons (7-4) -- 24
10. New England Patriots (7-4) -- 24
11. Washington Redskins (7-4) -- 23
12. Dallas Cowboys (7-4) -- 23
13. Indianapolis Colts (7-4) -- 23
14. New Orleans Saints (6-5) -- 22
15. Miami Dolphins (6-5) -- 21
16. Minnesota Vikings (6-5) -- 21
17. Philadelphia Eagles (5-5-1) -- 21
18. Buffalo Bills (6-5) -- 21
19. Chicago Bears (6-5) -- 21
20. Green Bay Packers (5-6) -- 20
21. Denver Broncos (6-5) - 20
22. San Diego Chargers (4-7) -- 18
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7) -- 17
24. Cleveland Browns (4-7) -- 16
25. Houston Texans (4-7) -- 16
26. San Francisco 49ers (3-8) -- 14
27. Oakland Raiders (3-8) -- 13
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-9) -- 11
29. Cincinnati Bengals (1-9-1) -- 9
30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-10) -- 8
31. St. Louis Rams (2-9) -- 8
32. Detroit Lions (0-11) -- 6
I predicted the Colts win over the Chargers exactly, 23-20. My Chargers played better on offense, but made critical mistakes. The defense couldn't stop the last Colts drive. The coach made a game management error too. One more loss and the Bolts probably don't make the playoffs (I said that last week too). Now the Falcons come to town with ex-Charger Michael Turner. I call it Falcons 27, Chargers 24.
Here are my picks for Week 13 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):
THURSDAY, 27 November:
Tennessee (10-1) (-11) at Detroit (0-11): Tennessee by 22
Seattle (2-9) (+12.5) at Dallas (7-4): Dallas by 15
Arizona (7-4) (+3) at Philadelphia (5-5-1): even
SUNDAY, 30 November:
Denver (6-5) (+7.5) at New York Jets (8-3): New York Jets by 10
San Francisco (3-8) (+7) at Buffalo (6-5): Buffalo by 10
New Orleans (6-5) (+3.5) at Tampa Bay (8-3): Tampa Bay by 8
Carolina (7-4) (+3) at Green Bay (5-6): Carolina by 3
New York Giants (10-1) (-3.5) at Washington (7-4): New York Giants by 6
Miami (6-5) (-6) at St. Louis (2-9): Miami by 10
Baltimore (7-4) (-7) at Cincinnati (1-9-1): Baltimore by 13
Indianapolis (7-4) (-4.5) at Cleveland (4-7): Indianapolis by 4
Pittsburgh (8-3) (+1) at New England (7-4): even
Kansas City (1-10) (+3) at Oakland (3-8): Oakland by 8
Atlanta (7-4) (+5) at San Diego (4-7): Atlanta by 3
Chicago (6-5) (+3) at Minnesota (6-5): Minnesota by 3
MONDAY, 1 December:
Jacksonville (4-7) (+3.5) at Houston (4-7): Houston by 2
I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are New Orleans over Tampa Bay, Chicago over Minnesota, and Pittsburgh over New England. Teams in a must-win situation are San Diego, Green Bay, Philadelphia, Buffalo and Miami.
Here are my NFL power ratings after 12 weeks:
1. New York Giants (10-1) -- 32
2. Tennessee Titans (10-1) -- 31
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3) -- 27
4. Tampa Bay Bucs (8-3) -- 27
5. New York Jets (8-3) -- 27
6. Carolina Panthers (8-3) -- 26
7. Baltimore Ravens (7-4) -- 25
8. Arizona Cardinals (7-4) -- 24
9. Atlanta Falcons (7-4) -- 24
10. New England Patriots (7-4) -- 24
11. Washington Redskins (7-4) -- 23
12. Dallas Cowboys (7-4) -- 23
13. Indianapolis Colts (7-4) -- 23
14. New Orleans Saints (6-5) -- 22
15. Miami Dolphins (6-5) -- 21
16. Minnesota Vikings (6-5) -- 21
17. Philadelphia Eagles (5-5-1) -- 21
18. Buffalo Bills (6-5) -- 21
19. Chicago Bears (6-5) -- 21
20. Green Bay Packers (5-6) -- 20
21. Denver Broncos (6-5) - 20
22. San Diego Chargers (4-7) -- 18
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-7) -- 17
24. Cleveland Browns (4-7) -- 16
25. Houston Texans (4-7) -- 16
26. San Francisco 49ers (3-8) -- 14
27. Oakland Raiders (3-8) -- 13
28. Seattle Seahawks (2-9) -- 11
29. Cincinnati Bengals (1-9-1) -- 9
30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-10) -- 8
31. St. Louis Rams (2-9) -- 8
32. Detroit Lions (0-11) -- 6
I predicted the Colts win over the Chargers exactly, 23-20. My Chargers played better on offense, but made critical mistakes. The defense couldn't stop the last Colts drive. The coach made a game management error too. One more loss and the Bolts probably don't make the playoffs (I said that last week too). Now the Falcons come to town with ex-Charger Michael Turner. I call it Falcons 27, Chargers 24.
Good laugh - for women only
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
The biker and the lion
A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really; the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really; the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"
The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
Underwear Dust
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your Butt!'
His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Talcum Powder in my Underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder, It's 'Miracle Grow ! '
His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Talcum Powder in my Underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder, It's 'Miracle Grow ! '
Kids are really smart
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... ;'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
__________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... ;'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
__________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Happy Thanksgiving
'TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP.
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE.
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
TOSSING AND TURNING IN ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR.
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TILL ALL OF A SUDDEN I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES
HAPPY EATING TO ALL, PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP;
MAY YOUR POTATOES AND GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS, MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE -
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS!
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE.
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
TOSSING AND TURNING IN ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR.
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TILL ALL OF A SUDDEN I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES
HAPPY EATING TO ALL, PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP;
MAY YOUR POTATOES AND GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS, MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE -
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS!
That's where it came from!
Where did the phrase "you gotta be shittin' me!" come from?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin' me.'
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin' me.'
Monday, November 24, 2008
Who Am I?
I was born in one country, raised in another.
My father was born in another country.
I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women.
I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me.
My mother died at an early age from cancer.
Later in life, questions arose over my real name.
My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.
I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs & didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.
I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.
That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career.
I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.
I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything. That reinforced my conceit.
I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.
I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego.
At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy. I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every opportunity to bash my country.
But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed & housed for free.
I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks & corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate them & if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.
I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.
I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics & was able to gain widespread popular support.
I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope' , together we could change our country and the world. So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities" like the Jews. My true views were not widely known & I needed to keep them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.
I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with. I'm glad they didn't.
Then I became the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.
Who am I?
I'll post the answer in comments later.
My father was born in another country.
I was not his only child. He fathered several children with numerous women.
I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me.
My mother died at an early age from cancer.
Later in life, questions arose over my real name.
My birth records were sketchy and no one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.
I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs & didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.
I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.
That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and I embarked on a new career.
I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. It was clear to those who read my memoirs that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.
I became active in local politics in my 30's then with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s. They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything. That reinforced my conceit.
I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.
I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego.
At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy. I was very critical of my country in the last war and seized every opportunity to bash my country.
But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy. I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better and every poor person would be fed & housed for free.
I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess. It was the free market, banks & corporations. I decided to start making citizens hate them & if they were envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.
I called mine "A People's Campaign" and that sounded good to all people.
I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics & was able to gain widespread popular support.
I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope' , together we could change our country and the world. So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities" like the Jews. My true views were not widely known & I needed to keep them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.
I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with. I'm glad they didn't.
Then I became the most powerful man in the world. And the world learned the truth.
Who am I?
I'll post the answer in comments later.
"24" Redemption - Dave Barry's summary
Jack Bauer is back. You can read Dave Barry's take on it here.
The comments are hilarious as devotees settled in for a virtual party.
Steve provided a great summary about 3/4 of the way down the comments. It's long, you can't miss it.
I tuned in at about 8:40 after the Chargers-Colts game -- didn't miss many gunshots, knife fights or explosions, I see.
The comments are hilarious as devotees settled in for a virtual party.
Steve provided a great summary about 3/4 of the way down the comments. It's long, you can't miss it.
I tuned in at about 8:40 after the Chargers-Colts game -- didn't miss many gunshots, knife fights or explosions, I see.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
NFL Picks - Week 12
Week 11 of the NFL regular season is history -- I was 10-4-2 in week 11 picking winners (89-55 -2 on the year), while Las Vegas was 11-4-1 picking winners in week 10 (104-51-5 on the year).
Here are my picks for Week 12 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):
THURSDAY, 13 November
Cincinnati (1-8-1) (+11.5) at Pittsburgh (7-3): Pittsburgh by 22
SUNDAY, 16 November:
Houston (3-7) (+3) at Cleveland (4-6): Cleveland by 6
Buffalo (5-5) (-3) at Kansas City (1-9): Buffalo by 10
New York Jets (7-3) (+5) at Tennessee (10-0): Tennessee by 11
New England (6-4) (+2) at Miami (6-4): Miami by 2
San Francisco (3-7) (+10.5) at Dallas (6-4): Dallas by 11
Tampa Bay (7-3) (-8.5) at Detroit (0-10): Tampa Bay by 20
Philadelphia (5-4-1) (+2) at Baltimore (6-4): Baltimore by 3
Chicago (5-5) (-8.5) at St. Louis (2-8): Chicago by 11
Minnesota (5-5) (+2.5) at Jacksonville (4-6): Jacksonville by 1
Carolina (8-2) (+1) at Atlanta (6-4): Carolina by 2
Oakland (2-8) (+10) at Denver (6-4): Denver by 9
Washington (6-4) (-3.5) at Seattle (2-8): Washington by 8
New York Giants (9-1) (-3.5) at Arizona (7-3): New York Giants by 3
Indianapolis (6-4) (+2.5) at San Diego (4-6): even
MONDAY, 17 November:
Green Bay (5-5) (+2.5) at New Orleans (5-5): New Orleans by 2
I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are Indianapolis over San Diego, Carolina over Atlanta, and Kansas City over Buffalo.
Here are my NFL power ratings after eleven weeks:
1. Tennessee Titans (10-0) -- 35
2. New York Giants (9-1) -- 33
3. Carolina Panthers (8-2) -- 29
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3) -- 27
5. Tampa Bay Bucs (7-3) -- 27
6. New York Jets (7-3) -- 27
7. Arizona Cardinals (7-3) -- 27
8. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4-1) -- 24
9. Atlanta Falcons (6-4) -- 24
10. Baltimore Ravens (6-4) -- 24
11. New England Patriots (6-4) -- 23
12. Washington Redskins (6-4) -- 22
13. Dallas Cowboys (6-4) -- 22
14. Indianapolis Colts (6-4) -- 22
15. Miami Dolphins (6-4) -- 22
16. Green Bay Packers (5-5) -- 22
17. New Orleans Saints (5-5) -- 21
18. Denver Broncos (6-4) - 21
19. Minnesota Vikings (5-5) -- 20
20. Buffalo Bills (5-5) -- 20
21. Chicago Bears (5-5) -- 20
22. San Diego Chargers (4-6) -- 19
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-6) -- 18
24. Cleveland Browns (4-6) -- 17
25. Houston Texans (3-7) -- 14
26. San Francisco 49ers (3-7) -- 14
27. Seattle Seahawks (2-8) -- 11
28. Oakland Raiders (2-8) -- 9
29. Cincinnati Bengals (1-8-1) -- 8
30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-9) -- 7
31. St. Louis Rams (2-8) -- 6
32. Detroit Lions (0-10) -- 4
My Chargers played better on defense, but the offense played poorly in the 11-10 loss to Pittsburgh (note it would have been 18-10 except for an official's error). One more loss and the Bolts probably don't make the playoffs. Now the Colts come to town - they've won two in a row while the Chargers have struggled to even win at home. I call it Colts 23, Chargers 20.
Here are my picks for Week 12 (solely based on my Power Ratings with a 3-point edge for home field - Las Vegas odds in () ):
THURSDAY, 13 November
Cincinnati (1-8-1) (+11.5) at Pittsburgh (7-3): Pittsburgh by 22
SUNDAY, 16 November:
Houston (3-7) (+3) at Cleveland (4-6): Cleveland by 6
Buffalo (5-5) (-3) at Kansas City (1-9): Buffalo by 10
New York Jets (7-3) (+5) at Tennessee (10-0): Tennessee by 11
New England (6-4) (+2) at Miami (6-4): Miami by 2
San Francisco (3-7) (+10.5) at Dallas (6-4): Dallas by 11
Tampa Bay (7-3) (-8.5) at Detroit (0-10): Tampa Bay by 20
Philadelphia (5-4-1) (+2) at Baltimore (6-4): Baltimore by 3
Chicago (5-5) (-8.5) at St. Louis (2-8): Chicago by 11
Minnesota (5-5) (+2.5) at Jacksonville (4-6): Jacksonville by 1
Carolina (8-2) (+1) at Atlanta (6-4): Carolina by 2
Oakland (2-8) (+10) at Denver (6-4): Denver by 9
Washington (6-4) (-3.5) at Seattle (2-8): Washington by 8
New York Giants (9-1) (-3.5) at Arizona (7-3): New York Giants by 3
Indianapolis (6-4) (+2.5) at San Diego (4-6): even
MONDAY, 17 November:
Green Bay (5-5) (+2.5) at New Orleans (5-5): New Orleans by 2
I think the highest potential for upsets (versus Las Vegas) are Indianapolis over San Diego, Carolina over Atlanta, and Kansas City over Buffalo.
Here are my NFL power ratings after eleven weeks:
1. Tennessee Titans (10-0) -- 35
2. New York Giants (9-1) -- 33
3. Carolina Panthers (8-2) -- 29
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3) -- 27
5. Tampa Bay Bucs (7-3) -- 27
6. New York Jets (7-3) -- 27
7. Arizona Cardinals (7-3) -- 27
8. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4-1) -- 24
9. Atlanta Falcons (6-4) -- 24
10. Baltimore Ravens (6-4) -- 24
11. New England Patriots (6-4) -- 23
12. Washington Redskins (6-4) -- 22
13. Dallas Cowboys (6-4) -- 22
14. Indianapolis Colts (6-4) -- 22
15. Miami Dolphins (6-4) -- 22
16. Green Bay Packers (5-5) -- 22
17. New Orleans Saints (5-5) -- 21
18. Denver Broncos (6-4) - 21
19. Minnesota Vikings (5-5) -- 20
20. Buffalo Bills (5-5) -- 20
21. Chicago Bears (5-5) -- 20
22. San Diego Chargers (4-6) -- 19
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-6) -- 18
24. Cleveland Browns (4-6) -- 17
25. Houston Texans (3-7) -- 14
26. San Francisco 49ers (3-7) -- 14
27. Seattle Seahawks (2-8) -- 11
28. Oakland Raiders (2-8) -- 9
29. Cincinnati Bengals (1-8-1) -- 8
30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-9) -- 7
31. St. Louis Rams (2-8) -- 6
32. Detroit Lions (0-10) -- 4
My Chargers played better on defense, but the offense played poorly in the 11-10 loss to Pittsburgh (note it would have been 18-10 except for an official's error). One more loss and the Bolts probably don't make the playoffs. Now the Colts come to town - they've won two in a row while the Chargers have struggled to even win at home. I call it Colts 23, Chargers 20.
I'm Brownies!
If all of the eight desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one)!
Trust me...this is very accurate. Pick your Dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.
REMEMBER - No Cheating. Make your choice before you check the meaning. After taking this dessert personality test, send this on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.
Here are your choices:
1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate Cake With Chocolate Icing
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake
No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully about what your choice will be.
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what the researchers say about you... SCROLL DOWN---
No Cheating
1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and area champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your Hands, you are an excellent caregiver and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, you set your own style because you do your own thing. You shine when it comes to helping others and have many friends.
4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lacking motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE --Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. You can be very emotional at times but a true person in every way. You like to do things for yourself and help others learn about themselves.
6. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hangout with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach others. A wonderful role model.
Trust me...this is very accurate. Pick your Dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.
REMEMBER - No Cheating. Make your choice before you check the meaning. After taking this dessert personality test, send this on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.
Here are your choices:
1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate Cake With Chocolate Icing
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake
No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully about what your choice will be.
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what the researchers say about you... SCROLL DOWN---
No Cheating
1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and area champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your Hands, you are an excellent caregiver and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, you set your own style because you do your own thing. You shine when it comes to helping others and have many friends.
4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lacking motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE --Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. You can be very emotional at times but a true person in every way. You like to do things for yourself and help others learn about themselves.
6. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious,and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hangout with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach others. A wonderful role model.
You Know your are from San diego IF...
1. You can correctly pronounce Tierrasanta, La Jolla, Rancho Penesquitos, San Ysidro, Otay Mesa, Jamul, and El Cajon, and know where they are.
2. There are four distinct seasons: Summer, Not Quite Summer, Almost Summer, and oh, Hey look it's summer again.
3. Your high school had a surf team.
4. Chula-juana is a real town, as well as San Yskidrow, Spun Alley, and Nasty City.
5. Your house is worth more than some small countries.
6. You know what MB, OB, and PB st and for.
7. Every street name is either in Spanish or Spanish related, and you're surprised when other areas don't have this.
8. You can determine the accuracy of someone's "I'm ghetto" claim by knowing their high school. for example: El Camino H.S., or Crawford H.S.
9. You see weather forecasts for four different climate zones in the same county, and aren't remotely surprised.
10. You've gone to Mt. Helix in July and know you still need a jacket.
11. You remember going to "The Cross" on Mt. Helix for Easter services. 60 degrees is COLD!
12. You've tailgated at Qualcomm Stadium, and for bonus points, also tailgated when it was Jack Murphy Stadium, and San diego Stadium.
13. You know that "Charge!" doesn't refer to a credit card.
14. You remember going downtown via Federal Blvd. before Hwy. 94 was built.
15. You remember when Hwy. 94 was 2 lanes in each direction.
16. You've been on a field trip to see an Imax movie at the Reuben H. Fleet Space Center.
17. You still call it the Del Mar Fair.
18. You say "I'm going to the track" and people know what your talking about.
19. You say "I'm going to the park" and people know what you mean.
20. You remember when 'Lemon Grove', 'La Mesa', and 'Spring Valley' were "in the sticks"
21. You understand what May-gray and June-gloom means .
22. A famous skateboarder/surfer lives in your town,
23. There's a North County, South County, and an East County but no Central County.
24. You know what it means when a girl in a short skirt is walking on El Cajon Blvd.
25. You've gotten stuck in the Horton Plaza parking structure traffic after a Padres game.
26. You know what "the merge" is, and will plan your entire day around not being on it during rush hour.
27. You know the difference between Clairmont Mesa, Kearny Mesa, and Mira Mesa.
28. You've stayed home from school or work, because "It's Raining!".
29. You've gone to Sea World on a warm day and sat in the first few rows at the Shamu show to get cooled off.
30. You've been delayed at the Border Checkpoints on the 5, the 8 and the 15. (Where's the one on 8?)
31. Your house doesn't have or need air conditioning unless you live in the East County.
32. No matter what the weather is, there is always someone walking around in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops.
33. You've been to the desert, the mountains, and the beach all in one day.
34. You know that Santee, and Lakeside is where the 'cowboys' live.
35. You know why Hillcrest is known as 'the swish alps'.
36. You hate tourists and their bad driving. (But you don't know how to drive in the rain.)
37. You've gone to the Zoo just to hang out.
38. You have family or friends that have moved to Arizona, Nevada, Utah or Colorado.
39. You know someone who doesn't own pants.
40. You know what the 'Santa Anas' are, and that they have nothing to do with the city of Santa Ana.
41. You know what 'real Mexican food' tastes like.
42. You remember when 'Mission Valley' was cow pastures (Oh...to have bought land then!) and the cows went thru a tunnel under Highway 8.
43. You remember when Lemon Grove had "the cows" at Millers Ranch & you could get milk at their drive-thru.
44. You remember riding the ferry as a passenger for .25 cents for as many trips back & forth as you wanted, all night long.
45. You remember where the National City Airport was and what kind of landing surface it had.
46. You remember where the Naval Amphibious Airport was and remember seeing large Naval Seaplanes practice landing and taking off there.
47. You remember the dredge in Mission Bay that created Fiesta Island.
48. You know exactly where the PSA jet crashed.
49. You went to a ball game at Westgate Park.
50. You know what the Sea Dart was, where it was built and where it was flown.
51. You know what park the Albino Deer lived in and how it died.
52. You knew what street bus #7 operated on.
53. You knew where "Costa Bells St." was in Lemon Grove and what famous feed store was on it.
54. You skated at "Palisade Gardens" and ate at the indoor-outdoor snack bar.
55. You took the "Quince St." offramp from 395 North in Balboa Park.
56. You know what hotel had the glass elevator on its outside.
57. You watched them repair fishing nets at the foot of Grape St.
58. You remember the Ivy growing on the walls at San Diego HS.
59. You watched the jalopies race on the dirt track and later years you watched Y.A. Tittle, as the Chargers QB, at Balboa Stadium.
60. You got a parking ticket from a San Diego Policeman driving a Harley Davidson Servi-Car, which had the box w/ 2 wheels in the back.
61. You watched races at "Hour Glass Field" and know exactly what has been built at that location now.
62. You've seen with your own eyes the Little League Baseball fields in Mission Valley flooded.
63. You know what building "The Brass Rail" was in at downtown San Diego before it was moved to Hillcrest.
64. You watched Bob Dale get pissed on by the monkey during his San Diego Zoorama program on KFMB Channel 8.
65. You know what large reservoir has an island in the middle of it.
66. You know what Jerry Coleman's job was in WWII.
67. You saw the five "skywriters" planes flying in a row writing their messages over San Diego skies.
68. You watched them unload the elephants off of the train and walk them to the Sports Arena for the circus.
69. You ate a hamburger and fries with your high school friends at the A&W drive-in on El Cajon Boulvard.
70. You remember the parades that are no more: Fiesta De La Luna in Chula Vista; Mayday Parade in National City.
Have a beautiful, sunny San Diego Day!!!!
2. There are four distinct seasons: Summer, Not Quite Summer, Almost Summer, and oh, Hey look it's summer again.
3. Your high school had a surf team.
4. Chula-juana is a real town, as well as San Yskidrow, Spun Alley, and Nasty City.
5. Your house is worth more than some small countries.
6. You know what MB, OB, and PB st and for.
7. Every street name is either in Spanish or Spanish related, and you're surprised when other areas don't have this.
8. You can determine the accuracy of someone's "I'm ghetto" claim by knowing their high school. for example: El Camino H.S., or Crawford H.S.
9. You see weather forecasts for four different climate zones in the same county, and aren't remotely surprised.
10. You've gone to Mt. Helix in July and know you still need a jacket.
11. You remember going to "The Cross" on Mt. Helix for Easter services. 60 degrees is COLD!
12. You've tailgated at Qualcomm Stadium, and for bonus points, also tailgated when it was Jack Murphy Stadium, and San diego Stadium.
13. You know that "Charge!" doesn't refer to a credit card.
14. You remember going downtown via Federal Blvd. before Hwy. 94 was built.
15. You remember when Hwy. 94 was 2 lanes in each direction.
16. You've been on a field trip to see an Imax movie at the Reuben H. Fleet Space Center.
17. You still call it the Del Mar Fair.
18. You say "I'm going to the track" and people know what your talking about.
19. You say "I'm going to the park" and people know what you mean.
20. You remember when 'Lemon Grove', 'La Mesa', and 'Spring Valley' were "in the sticks"
21. You understand what May-gray and June-gloom means .
22. A famous skateboarder/surfer lives in your town,
23. There's a North County, South County, and an East County but no Central County.
24. You know what it means when a girl in a short skirt is walking on El Cajon Blvd.
25. You've gotten stuck in the Horton Plaza parking structure traffic after a Padres game.
26. You know what "the merge" is, and will plan your entire day around not being on it during rush hour.
27. You know the difference between Clairmont Mesa, Kearny Mesa, and Mira Mesa.
28. You've stayed home from school or work, because "It's Raining!".
29. You've gone to Sea World on a warm day and sat in the first few rows at the Shamu show to get cooled off.
30. You've been delayed at the Border Checkpoints on the 5, the 8 and the 15. (Where's the one on 8?)
31. Your house doesn't have or need air conditioning unless you live in the East County.
32. No matter what the weather is, there is always someone walking around in a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops.
33. You've been to the desert, the mountains, and the beach all in one day.
34. You know that Santee, and Lakeside is where the 'cowboys' live.
35. You know why Hillcrest is known as 'the swish alps'.
36. You hate tourists and their bad driving. (But you don't know how to drive in the rain.)
37. You've gone to the Zoo just to hang out.
38. You have family or friends that have moved to Arizona, Nevada, Utah or Colorado.
39. You know someone who doesn't own pants.
40. You know what the 'Santa Anas' are, and that they have nothing to do with the city of Santa Ana.
41. You know what 'real Mexican food' tastes like.
42. You remember when 'Mission Valley' was cow pastures (Oh...to have bought land then!) and the cows went thru a tunnel under Highway 8.
43. You remember when Lemon Grove had "the cows" at Millers Ranch & you could get milk at their drive-thru.
44. You remember riding the ferry as a passenger for .25 cents for as many trips back & forth as you wanted, all night long.
45. You remember where the National City Airport was and what kind of landing surface it had.
46. You remember where the Naval Amphibious Airport was and remember seeing large Naval Seaplanes practice landing and taking off there.
47. You remember the dredge in Mission Bay that created Fiesta Island.
48. You know exactly where the PSA jet crashed.
49. You went to a ball game at Westgate Park.
50. You know what the Sea Dart was, where it was built and where it was flown.
51. You know what park the Albino Deer lived in and how it died.
52. You knew what street bus #7 operated on.
53. You knew where "Costa Bells St." was in Lemon Grove and what famous feed store was on it.
54. You skated at "Palisade Gardens" and ate at the indoor-outdoor snack bar.
55. You took the "Quince St." offramp from 395 North in Balboa Park.
56. You know what hotel had the glass elevator on its outside.
57. You watched them repair fishing nets at the foot of Grape St.
58. You remember the Ivy growing on the walls at San Diego HS.
59. You watched the jalopies race on the dirt track and later years you watched Y.A. Tittle, as the Chargers QB, at Balboa Stadium.
60. You got a parking ticket from a San Diego Policeman driving a Harley Davidson Servi-Car, which had the box w/ 2 wheels in the back.
61. You watched races at "Hour Glass Field" and know exactly what has been built at that location now.
62. You've seen with your own eyes the Little League Baseball fields in Mission Valley flooded.
63. You know what building "The Brass Rail" was in at downtown San Diego before it was moved to Hillcrest.
64. You watched Bob Dale get pissed on by the monkey during his San Diego Zoorama program on KFMB Channel 8.
65. You know what large reservoir has an island in the middle of it.
66. You know what Jerry Coleman's job was in WWII.
67. You saw the five "skywriters" planes flying in a row writing their messages over San Diego skies.
68. You watched them unload the elephants off of the train and walk them to the Sports Arena for the circus.
69. You ate a hamburger and fries with your high school friends at the A&W drive-in on El Cajon Boulvard.
70. You remember the parades that are no more: Fiesta De La Luna in Chula Vista; Mayday Parade in National City.
Have a beautiful, sunny San Diego Day!!!!
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